Taking a Chance...

So, in keeping with the title of my blog, "Personal Chaos", I'm going to be very open about some very personal information. As I don't quite feel anyone actually reads this anyways, and the people close to me who want to know what's going on already know, I'll just talk about it here. What the hell right?

Well, my non-existent readers, turns out I have a problem with depression, or emotional instability. How did I come to this conclusion? Well, after making a half-semi-poor judgement call and breaking up with someone I love, I then continued to spiral out of control to a dark place that I was once at before. No, no, not a dark room, or a cave. I'm talking about a taboo word for people with depression... ya know... suicide? Ya, that place. I was there. I looked it right in the bottle. No dice. Instead I did what every depressed lunatic wouldn't do, reach out for help. After 3 months of extreme analyzing, I've come to many conclusions. 1) I've been like this since I was a kid. 2) I've completely separated my intellect from my feelings, so I have no communication between the two. 3) I've always put on the face of a happy guy because that's what people expect to see from me.

Those are just a few examples. I was on watch by some friends, and family. There's lots of love surrounding me, and lots of prayer. I've been seeing a therapist now for a couple weeks. It's been very interesting and eye opening. I'm learning so much each week and my brain is killing me. I mean seriously, it's killing me. I have to re-wire 31 years of habits and thoughts. That's like... well, like a lot of things that involve wires, or knots... or both. My sporadic mood swings (from very sad to a random par level) usually happen at night, or briefly when I first wake up. I've done real well to keep most of my feelings and such from outside sources and won't let anyone see them. I've always bottled up my emotions and set it aside to be dealt with later. Unfortunately that's one of the major problems; procrastination. I've been doing it since I was a kid, and now I'm still doing it. Not only did I do it with projects, but with my own emotions. I've been thinking in every direction now and I'm not even getting warmed up. It's mind boggling how bad my situation really is. I also discovered my lack of communication in a relationship in regards to my feelings is all due to the same procrastination feeling. Today I learned that I belittle my "alleged" achievements and tear myself down, as well not understanding why someone would be proud of me. It's a mess in the attic. Nice cage, crazy birdy. So ya, how's all that information for ya? That's been my last few months, and it's been hell, how has yours been? And this whole time, even though family and friends are there, I've still felt alone. Prayer only works so much. I've tried more distractions and attempts at reaching out to others, even as far as my lost love. But alas, my attempts have failed, and apparently I will be forced to go it alone. Into the darkness I go, to fight and hopefully slay these demons. I just wish I could be home before dawn, but I fear this may take WAY longer that I'm expecting. I'm sure there's a ton of other stuff to say, but this might still be a bit too much to comprehend all at once. Just know that I'm still breathing, and that the regular blogs will continue... or the kinda regular blogs will... that is if you read this crap.

PS. Keep in mind that I have been getting my exercise, my sunlight, and eating correctly to try and stop the poison from eating me whole. So far... not much of an improvement.