As most of you know (whoever that is in the internet world) I've been drawing. I've been drawing a lot. A lot more than I'm used to. Which is awesome. And it's slowly opened my brain up more and more as I continue to draw. But at the same time I've noticed myself become more and more introverted because of it. Now bare with me here as my A.D.D. seems to be pretty close to it's peak at this time of night (3 am is the worst if you're taking notes). I just finished watching the movie "Cashback". It's a foreign film that has easily been pushed to the 20 at least, on my list. It's a story about an insomniac artist who had a bad break up, and is now working the night shift at a grocery store. Eventually he learns that he can litterally stop time. Now there is a LOT of nudity, some british humor, and some amazing art work. Now I'm not typically one for a love story, as I find it unrealisitic and slightly boring, not to mention (depending on my state of mood) depressing. But this story was amazing. The characters are endearing; each one with their own quirky personality. I was drawn into the story line. The artist in me came out multiple times and I almost wanted to pause the movie just so I could draw some of the scenes I saw. I would say it was inspiring, but I honestly don't feel inspiried. But at the same time, I felt that I hadn't wasted time watching it and would gladly watch it again, or try and buy it outright. If you don't mind the foriegn flicks, and a love story, with some crude humor, and a lot of nudity in the way of artistic models posing, then this is a great movie for you. That's a lot of prerequists for a movie, isn't it?
Now on to one the main reasons I started writing. And the only reason I post this blog on a public forum then opposed to my own personal collection of hand writings in a journal or computer text file (cause I don't already have hundreds of those) or my own personal online blog for my eyes only... the only reason I post this hear is that maybe the people that know me best, or have at least read these blogs and have a small inkling of who I am, might be able to offer some insight into my personal dilema. How many times did I jsut say personal? Too many, I know. (focus matt, focus)
Tonight... no... actually, all day today I've been outa sorts. Just... not spacing out as I've done in the past, just not with it. Listless, lifeless, but not lazy. I feel a bit discouraged. I feel a bit impatient. I take that back, I'm growing more impatient. Impatient with people, impatient with my situation, impatient at my own learning speed. I've been having a difficult time pushing forward. There's so many things I want to do, and I want to do them all a week ago, yesterday, or today. I don't want to wait for tomorrow. I know what I want and I want to do it now. But certain restrictions have occured that hold me back from accomplishing such things. I'm tired of people doubting me. I'm going to accomplish everything I set out to do. I'm going to prove that I can do it, and that you "nay-sayers" were wrong. And yes I just said "nay-sayers", so what?
It's not just the impatience though. I'm tired of being where I am. I'm tired of the stagnation that happens around me. I want more change, more excitement. I'm being careful not to get confused with want or need. I remember growing up, I think I went to my dad once or twice and would say the oh-so-famous-words "I NEED it Dad!!". His reply was simple, "You don't need it, you want it. There's a difference, and you need to learn that." Hence the reason I'm being careful for my word choice. I'm not sure what I need anymore. I'm more than positive of what I want. I'm more than aware of my impatienceness. I'm also completely aware of some deepseeded issues that I've previously thought I had delt with, that apparently haven't completely diluted into my subconscious. Maybe it's all those reasons that I'm out of it. I've been trying to focus on the positive of course, as I always try and do. I got a new camera. I've been drawing and quite proud of the word I've done so far. I even got plane tickets to go see my sister in New York with my friend George. I've slowly gotten a tiny bit better at swing dancing. I'm healthy, alive and breathing well. Could I just be discouraged and... not sad... more like bummed out (the term "bummed-out" is one level above sad, so after being bummed-out, then it would sadness, then it would be depression, just a small fyi)... where was I? oh right, blah blah blah, discouraged, bummed-out... because... uh... because... hmmm... well I got nothing. I don't exactly know why. Some things kinda get me down a little bit, but not one thing completely really bums me out. Sure I know things could be worse, and I'm almost positive I'll hear from somebody about how crappy life is for them. But honestly, does that make anyone feel better?? Not to sound selfish here or anything, I mean it is my blog and all, but honestly. When you are talking to someone and just kinda whining and complaining about how crappy things are, do you REALLY wanta hear about the crappiness that someone else is having?? I don't think so. You complain and "bitch" because you want them to just listen, nod and smile and maybe give some positive feedback to help you unfocus on the crap that you feel might be your life. Sure things could be worse. Hell, things could be a LOT worse. You could have no legs, or no arms, or have to use a computer to talk for you. You could be severely mangeled in a car accident and no even reconizable by your own family. Ya, that would suck. You could lose your hands... YOUR HANDS! Do you have ANY idea how much that would SUCK!? You could grab anything. Ya, I've thought of that. But you know what, that's not my problem right now, and there's no point in thinking about that.
Did I just rant? hahaha. I think did. I honestly have no idea what I've just writen. Hopefully it wasn't too much of a "bitch fest". I've been pretty good about not doing that. I suppose just needed to rant some stuff. I have no idea who actually reads this, not to mention that I really don't care. It's more or less just something I can put out there to prove that I have nothing to hide. My stomach hurts... did I eat today? eh.
I'm never good at ending these things. Well at least not today... so how about a picture to go along with this? I drew it on the computer, not bad huh? I added my own personal watermark to it, hopefully nobody steals it. 2:40am. I've almost been writing for a full hour. Is that good?
P.S. I hit my two blogs for the month, should I stop while I'm ahead?
No comments:
Post a Comment