Pooping on Memories

(snicker) Poop (snicker). That's my favorite word. I know it's immature and completely childish. But YOU try saying the word poop and not smiling a little bit. Such a funny stupid little word, but I love it. 

Now I usually, typically, try my hardest to not post anything too extremely personal. I do fairly well to avoid names, and such while writing. I feel it's the best I can do out of respect for those who would like to remain anonymous; which I get, because I too would like the anonymity. 

Recently my life has taken some random roller-coaster, and been very exciting, headed straight up, and then suddenly dropped with a big loop and twist right in the center. Normally this kind of thing would cause me to hurl all over the place and possibly crap myself, but alas, it did not. I feel definitely stronger than I did in the past, with a much clearer head on my shoulders. 

I know quite a few friends read this, and I'll spare the gory details. But one thing has become apparent; some friends are no longer friends, and some memories aren't quite remembered as clearly as they once were. You never realize how possible it is for someone to poop all over your memories. Those are supposed to be some sacred things, untouchable even. But as I've realized, it can happen. Details are not required here, but things that I thought I had held on to dearly, were really not the way I had remembered it. 

It's bittersweet really. I've learned a lot from my past relationships. All of them. And sure, they all had their issues. Every woman I've had a relationship with, all 5 if you can believe that, have changed me in positive ways. Most of them have apologized. A few of them still hold me as one of the more amazing men to have appeared in their lives. All quite flattering. One thing I've noticed is that they are all bittersweet. And, after each one, the breakup and moving on has become more difficult. Pain happens, it's a passage of life. Without pain, we wouldn't value the pleasures of life as much. I've found that I really pour myself full into each relationship, the last one being no different.

This all seems like it ended recently. But the funny thing about relationships, is that they always stick with you. They're always there. I've had many things lately trigger memories. The scratch of my palm while holding hands, the smell of perfume, the arms around my waist, the places I've been, the deja vu I've experienced; all of these have triggered multiple memories. Great memories. 

Then of course there's those moments that remind you of the hurt. It really only takes one, as all of the hurtful moments flood to the forefront for me, like an avalanche of film clips. Mainly just the pain of the breakup, or the pain of the healing process. I suppose I might be a sensitive guy, but it's these moments I have to realize where I came from, who I am today, and how strong I've become. 

It's not a matter of ignoring these, but of realizing that I'm better for it. It's still difficult when a wound is still very fresh. Or better yet, when you think it's already healed and you're just waiting for that pink skin after the scab is gone, to finally heal over, only to realize, that it's still a raw sore and bumping it on the wall or what-have-you, only causes you to flinch and remember how it happened. 

I find it sad that my go to answer for these moments of sadness and hurt, is to turn into a turtle. To hide in my shell and become the hermit I've always dreamed of becoming. Unfortunately, the ear full I'd hear from all the females in my life (mom, sisters, friends), would only drive me mad. My stubbornness doesn't outweigh my annoyance. But there are a few things I've found that I feel properly depict my current thought process.

Cue the picture to the right. I love this comic strip, and if you ever get a chance, read sinfest.net. It's an incredible comic that deals with a ton of topics. The main character here is Slick. Aside from the sun glasses, I feel very much in tune with his character. His act of hiding his heart in a safe, seems like the most just and honest way of protecting it, not to mention the most logical. 

Sure sure, everyone says that's dumb, and I should at least have the safe door open. But I've still yet to hear a valid reason as to why. I have friends and family, so what could I possibly be missing? I don't need anything else. Keep in mind I said need. Is it possible that this guy, as awesome and kind as I am, might honestly just want to be alone? Sure, I enjoy the company of a warm blooded beautiful woman by side, just like any straight guy. But do I need it? Nope. I can be open to meeting people. But being open to any kind of future? I feel very bad and sad towards which ever woman decides to hop through that land mine.

This video on my left, I feel properly depicts the future possibilities at this point for me. This all has to deal with matters of the heart. Handing the most valuable sense of self over to someone is a risky business. In this video, two people are breaking up. The guy hands over, litterally, his heart and says it's hers. My favorite part I've transcribed for your reading pleasure:

Female: "Well maybe I can just keep it for a little while, and use it for small things..."

Male: Unfortunately, it won't work that way.

Female: Why not?

Male: Well, now that you have my heart, I'm pretty much an empty cavity inside. For lack of a better term, "heartless". I will now treat each woman I meet with a passive aggressive contentiousness that will ruin relationship after relationship for many years to come.

I'd like to remind you that, this won't be on purpose. My distance from such words as "relationship" and "future" or any "definition" would come across as fear, and most reasonably so. 

I find that many of today's singles and individuals that used to be a "huge catch" and a "put together" person with a "good head on their shoulders", not to mention the "emotionally mature and secure" have all been wrecked and beaten into possibly a bitter, angry person, who has embraced fear and the lack of hope. 

That last paragraph, and probably the few before it, added a very big glass of bitterness party of 1 to the table. Not my intention. I'm merely pointing out the huge potential for such dramatic increases due to the emptiness and hollowness of a person. 

I will still stand by my previous arguments that I am not looking for a relationship, but I am willing to get to know you. I will not pursue you, as I've done that before and it does not work in my favor. Getting to know me will be difficult and exhausting, not because I don't want anyone close, but because I need to be protective. I'm well aware of my flaws, and my personal issues. Fortunately, my trust hasn't become jeopardized, which is odd, since I've been lied to more times than I'd like to count in multiple facets of my life. I do have a bitterness to me though, which I believe is justifiable once my stories are brought to the surface. 

I feel that in the past I've felt anger and frustration. Now I only feel sadness and compassion. Sure, I was the one hurt, and hurt badly if you knew the real story behind it all. That's most definitely not saying the other person was hurting. I am, in no way, shape or form, saying that they weren't in a dramatic level of pain, after the breakup. But for which ever relationship I've experienced, it all finally accumulates to my own personal wisdom: compassion. It's truly sad that this woman who got hurt, or is hurting, isn't aware of their actions, words, or choices, until well after the fact. I've seen it for almost every single relationship. I now wish I could only help more to bring to light the errors. I've had to learn a lot and grow in directions that my heart and brain really were resistant to. But the only way to grow stronger or faster is after pain. Pain is a horrible motivator in the greatest way possible. 

2:45 am. My insomnia is back. I would love to hear opinions and anything else anyone would love to share with me. I will say this, I'm glad it's all over. I finally have my answers. My choices are clear. I can be happy and rest assured that I now have new skills and a stronger sense of self. My confidence is higher, my health is greater. My strength is currently weak, but I know it'll come back in full soon. I'm skeptic of a lot of things, but my brain is always running, and sharp. My awareness has grown. My understanding of the human heart and condition, I feel, has been limitless. 

I'm just experiencing a flat tire (or three). I'll be back on the freeway after a pit-stop and a nap.