Over the past several weeks, many things have been abundantly clear to me, or at least made clear through many various things. My own personal validation and humbling experiences and how important it is to hold on to and not forget about. Secondly, a lot of my thought patterns in regards to relationships, my past, and romance in general, as well as my view on sex, or sexual content in a relationship. Lastly, it's SO important to have balance. I mean,... seriously. Important. So where do I start?
Personal Validation
I believe I've already talked about this. But the value of having accomplishments and goals and motivation has always fallen short with me. I always belittled myself and anything I've done. I've never owned anything as my own, and quite honestly any confidence you saw as a friend or lover or whatever you were, well, that was fake confidence. I never truly had it. Sure, I came across cocky, arrogant and sometimes just way to full of hot air, but that should only be proof of my incredible acting skills, no? Just start at the beginning of this blog! Or heck, look at some of my old writings on my old blog ( ). Sometimes it was genuine I'm sure, but all in all, it wasn't there. It was pathetic and sad. And really, whereas I might have tried to get some kind of self-confidence security from a friend, a family member, or most of the time from a girlfriend, it all came down to myself and my own inabilities to recognize my "potential?" I don't know if that's the right word for it, but it fits, so I'll go with it. As I've gone on this journey of depression and self-actualization, I've most definitely grown and gained my own source of strength through various small goals and medium sized goals on my way to becoming a fully grown confident mentally and emotionally healthy adult. Not really mature 100% of course (I still have way more boxes of toys than dishes and clothes, but I'm close at least)
The final piece, I think, was the job. I had been missing that for quite some time. As I came into my own self-awareness and learned about my faults, my insecurities, and fears and whathaveyou, I felt this increasing feeling of a work ethic. It became more and more important to me to work and to strive for something. It's most definitely new ground for me. Wait, don't get me wrong. I've worked before, and when I do, and I'm on the job, I really do work hard and want to get it done as fast and effeceintly as possible. Problem is, I get bored after I finish a job, or I might finish it WAY too quickly in which case I've put myself out of a job. Regardless, the point is that I've had a work ethic that was strong, just not the motivation to go find a place to use it. The past several months have helped to strengthen that drive and to teach me just how important it is to have money, friends and family in my life. How those connections can help in so many various ways.
Oh, and I know I'm missing out a HUGE part of all of this. Many friends might not be of a christian belief, and that's cool. For me though, I gotta say that all of this, the very roof over my head, to the awesome little dog sitting on my lap right now (my friend's dog) is a total gift from God. The job, the family, the friends, the experiences, all of it. I mean, wow, really? I can't tell you how many times I have told God thank you and how many more times I'll keep doing it. I can recall various moments in my past where I had been so overjoyed with happiness and thankfulness. I mean, it's a little old news now, but when I had met my last x, there were so many times driving home that I had just laughed and screamed out of happiness and thankfulness for her. But I digress. The main thing to take away from this is that a job is quite important, but doesn't make you who you are. What makes you important is how you feel about yourself. Sure, a job does help, but what it comes down to is being able to accept yourself for your faults and issues and problems and fixing those emotional, mental, or spiritual blockades in a healthy permanent fashion. I'd add physical blockades, but if you fix the other problems first, that one goes with it. It's truly and eye opening experiences.
Relational Catastrophic Metamorphosis
So many things have added a new perspective to my almost permanently and slightly jaded view on relationships as a whole. I can start from my 3rd party view of how couples should be interacting and the honesty and integrity that is involved in it. I could also add in the importance of how a man should treat his woman, and how he should respond to certain situations, as well as how he should handle himself as an individual and as a spouse. I could go into how a female should do the same as well, or the subject matter of how she would handle herself and interact with the husband. I could go into great lengths on the importance of understanding and compassion and communication needed between two people. Maybe I would start with many of personal opinions about what I might want or do want, or feel I deserve and need. I could write a novel on it actually. I've been hanging out with a lot of female friends and married couples lately. To be completely honest, it's added so much insight and perspective that I feel my brain might implode on itself. I'm gonna start there.
The thing is, sometimes we need a reminder as to why a relationship is even important. I've been super incredibly stubborn about dating as a whole, and even still, after all of this thinking and pondering and analyzing, I really still don't want to date at all. However, as many people will be happy to hear, I'm not completely prone to being turned off by the possibility. Let me get back to my point. Getting the compliments, hearing the love from others, and really just feeling the love and affection coming from, well, another female... well it reminded me of something. Keep in mind it's all been platonic and just being awesome friends, but feeling that warmth, it reminded me of something I actually missed that I had forgotten about. When you don't date, don't go out and don't get any kind of... ANY kind of physical affection or love from another person, you forget what you are missing. I mean, ya... sometimes you'll see a couple kiss, or hug or whatever, but it's not quite the same as having that particular hug that says thanks, or just kinda hits that emotional level at your core...... sigh.... can I sound cheesy or what? I'm sure I could add more sap to that sappiness, but let's just stop there ya? I'm hoping you get what I'm talking about. It's absolutely not a sexual thing mind you, it's a deeper feeling than some purely physical interaction between a man and a woman. Its been moments like that; moments that have reminded me and defined the reasons for wanting a relationship. I'm sure I still have some baggage and issues to move past before I can overcome my total stubbornness and lack of "want", but it's a start for those who are cheering for me, so just take what you can get.
Watching and observing female friends, couples and their interactions with each other, it's been inspiring. I almost want to write a list of things I want. But I'm afraid that by writing that list I might be dooming myself to a life of complete singularity as it would be pretty specific and might only add to my level of stubbornness. All in all, it's been a very interesting 2 weeks. I'm sure I'll add more to this subject later, but for now, I think that's a big thing.
There's one last subject I want to talk about, but I'm still processing it and feel it'll be best suited to be written near the end of the week
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