So, I originally had something else written here, but my personal walls got in the way of sharing too much with an outside internet world. So I've decided to re-write something in a more calm fashion.
Sometimes we make choices that we weren't 100% sure at the time. I tend to live my best by no regrets. Sure I've made a TON of mistakes and been lazy A LOT, but I've learned from it and grown from it. It hurts initially, but it's over quickly and you realize it was for the best. No doubts. But lately choices I've made tend to come back and haunt me and I have to continuously remind myself why I made that choice, what my ultimate goal was, what my hope was and why... why why why I did it in the first place. Am I learning? Am I growing? On top of these questions is the constant struggle for survival, for happiness in a spiraling downward motion. It's stupid really how difficult it is for me to keep this stupid grin on the whole time. Hey there's some information that most people don't know. I've always fought against the sadness. It burns my brain sometimes, but I refuse to use any kind of drug or so called "vitamin". I push it to the side, to the back, out of the way. Keep the high energy, keep the smiles, keep the laughter. I thought I heard once that the most depressing people are comedians. The heartache the pain the torture.
I find it interesting that some of the choices we make can change your life and others' lives. I don't regret what I did. But it still pains me. Logically it would make sense that if I made the choice I wouldn't feel the pain. Of course that's not the case. Many times people make choices that still hurt, for years sometimes. I am very attached and have difficulty sometimes just letting it go. It doesn't take much for me to fall back into an old pattern and climbing back out of that hole is very very draining. I thrive on positive energy and do my best to surround myself with positive people. But in a situation where my very own personal world seems to crumble around me, all I can do is hope and pray. Seriously, what else is there to do? Of course of course, I do my best to push past it, make things right and fix problems that have risen and make the best of my situation. That's an instinctual behavior passed down through the ages. The struggle of humanity I suppose. You make due with what you have and hope for the best while still trying to make the best of what you got. With the instincts work, and all that aside, I say the best you can do is pray and hope. If you ain't got hope, you won't push forward. You only push forward because you THINK and HOPE things will get better. If I can just get here, I know things will get better. If I can just do this, I hope that will happen. But here's the thing, hope, thinking.... different than knowing. I suppose I just have to KNOW it'll get better. I hope I know someday that it will absolutely get better.
Doesn't change how I feel now unfortunately.
poop.
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