Something personal....

The following is from my own personal private blog. I'm not sure why I'm doing this, but I know that this posting (in its whole unedited form) needs to be posted. It's just something I felt that everyone should know. And on top of that, I'm not supposed to make an announcement about it on myspace or facebook. Again, not sure why...

"Sometimes I find myself lurking around...
And sometimes I wish I wasn't. I know it's not wrong to every so often check on the woman you once loved and make sure she is doing alright. But I do know that it's wrong to wish for the old times back. We've both grown and gone our own ways now. I've realized today just how much I've changed. Standing there, playing pool with an old friend whom I haven't seen in years. It was odd. Maybe I've been by myself too long. Maybe I've been getting into a routine. Maybe I just don't want to be around people that much at this point. But standing there, watching time move so slowly around him, and witnessing time... just... tick. It was odd. I could feel the changes that had happened. Not a rushing sense of wonder, but a gradual awareness of my own personal evolution. And it wasn't the kind of evolution that is exaggerated in fairy tales and fantasy. No. This was a kind that made me realize just who I've become and what I've lost in the process. It was almost depressing. There was a slight feeling of loss as to the thought of what had happened. Of course, this was all in the instance of an eye blink. But to me, it happened much longer than that. My friend was still pulling the cue stick back a milimeter at a time. And I, I was just sitting there, watching, remembering, realizing the differences that had occured. I had actually become an adult. I still have no idea exactly when it happened. I can recall all the events and people that had caused... no, wait... effected this outcome. Nobody caused it. It was a case of survival. My own human instinct took over and my personality, my very soul, changed to allow me to survive the various crisises that had occured to me. I'm thankful for it of course. But once again, I had seen deep into myself at that moment. My friend has finished lining up the shot is now moving forward with a slow momentum towards the cue ball. Something clicked. I was fully aware now. Finally, after so many months of heavy fog, i can start to see again. But now what? Sure this may all sound over dramatized, and over exaggerated, but I'm only trying to paint a picture of what I truly felt. It was not quite eurphoric, but i nice feeling of calmness. It was a complete contradictory to itself. So I had to ask myself. Now what? Am I happy with this person that I've become? Can I be more? Can I improve? Can I gain back what I've lost and loved most... my free spirted insanity? *shrugs* Sure, why not? Anything is possible still right? Weeks of solidarity has led me to this thought process. I'm thankful for it. I'm excited for knowing it and anxious to see what's next. It's inspiring and all thought consuming. How can I mix the best of everything into one? If there's one thing I realized before the cue ball was hit, it was that there is always a time and place for responsiblity and there is always time for fun and laughter. I think I've finally learned. Time is my weakness, it causes me to be impatient.
*insert my big goofy grin here*"