So I've had a lot of time to myself recently due to the fact that I'm not working right now (my contract went up so I'm just enjoying time off). And I've had a lot of time to think. My mind wanders considerably and most of the time it's really nothing worth writing down in my "memoirs". But lately I've been thinking about the word love.
That's a pretty strong word ya know? I mean. Lots of people tend to throw it around and I'd like to think they know what it means. But that's a really really strong word. Sure, you got variant degrees of the word love. I love ice cream and dark chocolate. But I'm not a freak who likes to, you know, do stuff with it. That's called a "fetish" kids, not love (or just overly obessive, and in which case requires a psychatric evaluation).
There's love for your friends, family love, love for your pets, love of your hobbies, love in the admiration of someone else. But what about the love of a spouse, or a romantic partner. I think it's possible to love a few people in your life, and even to fall into love even fewer than that. But what about true love. Nah. I don't think that exists. I think that when you are in love with someone, that that would be the truest form of love. Making it a true love, yes, but not a true love in the definition of fairy tales. True love is that ever deeping love you have for someone. The kind that makes you do stupid things without thought. The kind that is so hard to resist that it's nearly impossible to let go of the person. It's the kind where you can't think of anyone else but them. It's a great and evil love all at the same time. I'm pretty positive that it's not easy to fall out of "true love" as it is to just fall out of regular love. If you love someone you can start to dislike them and get annoyed by them and eventually just not want to be with them anymore. But if you are "in" love, which would be my definition of true love, then you take the good with the bad.... sortaspeak. Sure there's things that annoy you and things you don't like, but you accept it because thats who they are and thats what they do. There's just too many positives to view any of the negatives.
Now I don't think any of this makes me a romantic by any means, but it's just a thought that goes through my head. When people say I love you, what do they mean by that? Obviously I can cross off family and friends on the list, cause I know how they mean it. But what about the romantic relationship? What about afterwards? When all is over and it didn't work but they still say it? What's the point at that time for saying those words? It's not like it has the same meaning, right? It's lost its depth. It's like firing your best cook and telling him that you'll miss his cooking. What's the point in firing the guy in the first place?!?! Seems kinda futile and stupid if you ask me. I mean if there was still potential in a possibility of random circumstances sporadically changing to maybe have a spark again, then sure, why not I guess. But isn't that just leading the poor sap on? Is "sap" a gender specific term? I don't think it is, I use it as a non-gender specific term here.
So I guess I'm actually contradicting myself here. I do believe in true love, but only if "true love" means to be "in love".
I've been on that road. Unfortunatly that particular road has come to a dead end a couple of times and I've had to go back and try a different path, but I'm hopeful that eventually I'll find a road that doesn't have a dead end.
You know what the worst part about being me is? Is that I can actually argue this whole thing and convince myself that I'm wrong. This paragraph started concieted, I realize that, and it wasn't intentional. I was just mearly trying to make the point that everything I said above I could easily argue and most likely convince myself that I'm wrong... and somehow get me to buy myself a coke. I suppose now that I've said all this you, being the reader, feel like you've just wasted your time, grasping the reality that Matt has no idea what he's talking about. Yep. That's right. Most of the nonsense I write doesn't make any sense.... no different from when I actually try and have a conversation. HAHA. So... uh... congratulations on wasting your time! I win.
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