Influenced Choices

Hi. Remember me? I kinda do. I'm that weird guy who has become a bit of a turtle... actually, more like a rare unicorn groundhog who comes out of his cave/hole every so often in a rare moment of socializing. 

Where have I been? Working. Doing two jobs; the one that is reliable for income (part time after school untrained teacher) and the one that isn't reliable for income, Content Creator.

Quick run down on what exactly I do, and how my week is spent as a content creator. The bulk of my time is spent online, in front of a camera, at my desk, playing video games, that are live streamed to specific streaming platform/service, where people can interact with me via a chat room. I've got a mic, camera, and some consoles setup through my PC to stream LIVE a game I'm playing. Why would people watch this? For a few reasons: maybe because they want to see how the game-play is on a game before they buy it? Maybe because they are hoping to make more friends who play said game so they can play with those people later? Maybe they just want a community of like minded gamers who they can hang out with and chat, because social anxiety is a REAL THING. Maybe they want to be entertained, plain and simple. Imagine watching a sporting event, or TV show, but being able to chat with people online about the show/movie/sporting event, in real time as it was happening. Pretty cool, right? Sure.
So how many hours do I spend JUST streaming? Bare minimum, only counting the actual scheduled hours, we're looking at 35 hrs. How many do I normally stream per week? 40-60 hrs. This doesn't include social media (twitter/discord (community chat room)) which can take another 4-5 hrs a week, AND it doesn't include email responses to game offers, promo opportunities, etc. AND it also doesn't include graphics (which I make myself) to update my stream channel. It also doesn't include networking with fellow streamers to grow my brand, nor does it include researching new games and the potential for those. Grand total estimated time spent? 55-70 hrs a week.

Originally I started this idea out as a simple goal, without realizing the amount of work involved. I wanted to act. I wanted to entertain. Recently I realized what I really want, and that's to make people laugh. My thought was, "I don't have money for acting classes, or to drive up to LA for auditions all the time. so why not do what I love, play games and record/stream it to make money" Sounded simple at first, and I thought it would be. Turns out I was wrong. But this isn't a bad thing. All of the work I've put in, all the time spent, the anxiety and late nights I've gotten. The frustrations and anger I've endured, it's been worth it so far. I love video games, and I do generally love streaming. But this goal was only to be successful after 5 years. It's been about 3.5 now and lately, I don't feel like it's really becoming worth it as much.

 This could be my depression, which has taken a very odd turn as of late. Normally my confidence is fine and healthy, I'm just down and sad and feel crappy. But this time it's made me feel doubt. LOTS of doubt. I'm unsure if I've made a good choice here. I watch as other communities and streamers get donations semi regularly, or even gain subscribers (paying viewers) who support the channel. Some of them have less follows than I do, others have a tremendous amount. Regardless, they are financially succeeding, whereas I am actually not... not even close.

I want to say that it's not about the money, it's about the fun of the game and entertaining people, which it is, but I'd be an idiot and bad businessperson if I didn't say that I'm concerned about the financial aspect of this choice. I'm not even making minimum wage per hour doing this, as far as I can tell. There are few months a year where things are great with money donations and subscribers (subs), but there is a good chunk of that where I don't make any money. I mean, I do, but it's NOT enough to cover my basic needs or bills.
On top of this, I've seen a lot of my regulars and moderators for my chat disappear. Right after I said "Hey, this is what I need" and gave a rundown of stuff, I barely see anyone except for 3 of the 16+ I have. Which can be very difficult for me when I can get a chat of 100+ people. Oh, and let's talk about that 100+ people. Those are MOSTLY children. Ya. Children. Do children have money? Maybe, but not to donate. Do they have a parent that's monitoring their behavior online? NOPE! This is an extreme sore spot for me. The follows I get from them are empty. Kids just like to click buttons, and that's exactly what they do.
I've switched stuff up recently, playing more adult rated games (story driven with language and some violence) but I don't know who it's bringing in. I'm getting new regulars showing up, which is great and all, but I'm still struggling. All the work I've put in so far and I feel like nobody cares. I'm not going to ask for donations, cause that's bad form, but I'm definitely not happy about my situation. Over the past 2 weeks, I've honestly considered just quitting and looking for a real job, maybe something as a Social Media analyst or some crap.

I'm just tired of trying so hard and feeling like a failure. I don't know what I'm doing wrong and I don't know how to fix that. 15k follows, and regularly 30-50+ concurrent viewers and I'll go weeks with no donations or subs. Others get 10s-100s and I have NO idea.

I just... I love it, but that isn't enough anymore. Do I keep going the last 1.5 years? Is that really worth it? Or should I just stop now and just let it become a hobby?

Outside of this? Everything is wonderfully perfect. My wife is amazing. I just can't figure out what I'm doing with my professional life choices.

sigh.

Incoming Long Post: TL;DR - Married, Love you, Thnx

What a crazy whirlwind of a few days. Originally this post was going to be on facebook, but decided nope, this needs to be on a blog post, where almost nobody will read the whole thing and only read the title and then like/heart/emoji the facebook link. But honestly, I'm still too excited (I have a wife) about everything that happened this last weekend (I have a wife).

You see, since I was just a wee little lad (I have a wife), I always said "I'm not getting married" (I have a wife), or "I'm gonna live on top of a mountain" (I have a wife) or something similar to all of those things. And the truth of it is, I honestly believed that (I have a wife). (okay, I'm done with the "(I have a wife)" thing, I'm just still excited.

I really thought I'd never find someone, or for that matter, never really wanted to. Sure, loneliness was a real thing for me, and little did I know that depression was a problem for me. But I continued to be me, the stubborn, independent, sarcastic, jerk, fun seeking, laughter inducing guy I am today. Here's the thing though, you all changed me. It's your fault. I grew as a person. I was taught lessons, life lessons. I learned what to do, not to do, how to look out for myself, and to be more accepting of who I am, AND be more confident in myself when in a relationship.

So, me... getting marrried is really a culmination of all the teachings from my family and friends and those who have imparted loads of wisdom on me. Sure I may have been too stubborn to listen and admit that you were right, but what you said was planted into my sub-conscience, and no matter what, it stuck with me.

I never thought that I would find someone who understood me, most of the time better than myself. Who truly accepted me. Now let me iterate this for you a bit more, this "accept me" thing. A lot of people say that, and that's nice. But me? Come on, I'm kind of an acquired taste in personality. You either like me, or you don't. And my inability to remain in contact, or be the bestestest friend and go to all the events has proven to be a difficulty for me, because my lack of attention and my supreme focus on my own selfish wants has/can cause some irritation. Weird, I sound like I'm putting a warning on my friendship as if I'm an early morning drug commercial; "Being friends with him may cause irritable bowls, constant diarrhea, headaches, nausea, vomiting, and crankiness".

So to say that you are my friend is quite an achievement; to say someone loves me is a bigger achievement. But, BUT, to say that someone loves me unequivocally, and in all senses of the word, accepts me for who I am, which includes the aforementioned faults, as well as all my positives (which is a lot, and includes my greatest trait, humbleness) is extraordinary.

And honestly? She even improves me... forcing me to be a better person. Wait, let me explain the "forcing" part. I don't mean, forcing me like a gun to the head "You best be a great person and do what I say, or Ima gonna fill you full of lead" because apparently she's a western gunslinger? No. Her want to do good by people, and intense levels of empathy that she has being trying to teach me, have forced me to actually try to see things more from other people's eyes. I've gotten better at asking for help, even if it's just a little. Also, my work ethic? Let me just say I've never been so focused on goals before, which has also developed into a problem at times.

Saying my mind is blown is not enough to illustrate how truly mind blowing her level of support and love is... for me.... ME!? Blowing up the sun, and all the other shiny suns in the entirety of space would really be the only proper way to show the craziness of that statement.

I'm thankful. I'm grateful. You all have shown patience with me, especially my family, as my last minute needs, my constant "I do what I want" "Don't tell me what to do" and "It's my wedding" statements only helped to distant them from a celebration I wish could have lasted longer than 5 minutes. Seriously, biggest, most expensive, fastest event I've ever been apart of. I've seen commercials that lasted longer!

I digress. I'd be lying if there weren't some hiccups to the wedding, I've been told that no wedding is perfect, and no wedding doesn't go by super fast for the bride and groom. But to me, the most important part, the ceremony, was perfect. I married my best friend in front of those individuals who I felt most had an influence in my life and made me the boy who couldn't stand still from the unhealthy levels of adrenaline coursing through his entire body causing him to bounce like a ball of flubber on speed. I really never thought I'd have a wife. And now that I do, I couldn't be any happier. This is a landmark for me, like landing on the moon is for humanity; it sounded impossible at first, but now that it's happened, pretty dang impressive.

I love you all. Also, if you made it to the end of this whole dang thing. Just say "You have a wife" in the comments (here or facebook), because it's still shocking to say and hear (shocking in a MASSIVE SMILE I HAVE A WIFE! kind of way).

Hello.

Hi. It's been awhile. Hello. I've missed the sweet aroma of the keyboard keys slapping down ferociously while my brain mumbles out the words way to fast for my poor little fingers to keep up. It's late. Okay, not that late. But late enough for most people. I'm not tired. My brain is awake and active as if it had never needed sleep to begin with. Most likely running on the massive amount of chocolate sugar stored in various parts of my skull parts.

So why now? Why now of all times on a random Sunday night, in the middle of August, do I decide to write. I'm glad you asked that, and the political response would be to say "Why do any of us write?" But I'm not a magician of words who will manipulate the question for misdirection and philosophical questions.
Oh no, not I. I am hear to begin a story.
A short story, depending on how you read it, but a story nonetheless.
And before I begin, can I just say that 'nonetheless' is cheating the other words from being together like them? I mean, they get to be all super close, the none and the the and the less. So unfair to the rest of the language.

But I digress.

I've found a passion. For me. A drive. A goal. Not a purpose, no. But definitely a goal. Lofty ones, maybe. I've never had a goal. Nope. Not like this. I've done things, tried stuff and moved on. I've had whiffs of "I'm gonna be the best at..." or "I'm gonna win all the ..." but fleeting would be a kind way of saying "I gave up" or "I got bored".

Ha, bored. Always bored. I'd move on from things quite quickly. My attention was obviously difficult to obtain as it was always distracted by so many things. Maybe it was my brain unable to control itself from thinking of possibilities, or maybe it was just that I suddenly became uninterested.

Nope. Not anymore.
It doesn't matter what it is that I have found that forces me to work hard. It doesn't. The truth is that I've discovered a passion for it. That I struggle, that I learn, and grow from mistakes. So many stupid dang mistakes. I live in a cave with all the words and things and stuffs to force myself to get to that next level. If I could just, if I could only, if if if if and IF.

But here I am, to say that I'm not just saying IF and not doing it, I'm doing it.

Nothing great happens without hardwork. Nothing.

Flukes happen without hardwork. Gifts, presents, natural talent, those be not the hardwork I speak of... and suddenly I was a pirate? Sure. Why not. I'm sailing the ship of hope to the island of success!
Storms happen, waves crash, the ship gets rocked and damaged, but I swear I'll captain the crap out of this ship and get to that stupid awesome island, even if I have to kick while holding onto some drift wood.
I've been away from friends, from family, and mainly anything that could possibly take me away from my focus. Can't say that that is sacrifice as all of those people that are part of the things, places, and events, are proud of me. They're counting on me. Hmm... counting is too much. They're hopeful for me. They're excited and anxious and realistically expecting me to succeed in my own personal mission.
And why not? I can do it.

I could honestly talk for hours upon days, for weeks, with months added, about the things I'm working on. I could talk both ears off, a nose, and one eye, as I drag you out of bed to continue to talk for a billion seconds about the incredible that I have been doing. Sadly, it goes over MOST, not all, but MOST peoples heads.
People. sigh.

Does it really matter if you understand what it is I'm actually doing? Does it? I'm not murderising people. Or selling drugs to kids. I'm doing something that utilizes my skills as an individual, and learning how to be successful for me. It's a fascinating journey.

I love every minute of it. I am happy. I am blessed, lucky, and filled with hope.

Oh sure, I still have the depression. I still have the chemical inbalance of the brain nodes. And ya, it can affect and effect me randomly. But it won't stop me. It can't stop me. This has become more than a game. More than a goal. A dream? A future? I shrug. But I know that I'll get there. I don't care how sick I get. I got the best support I could ask for. And, honestly; I'm happy.
Despite some hardships, some low points, and some random difficulties in my struggles with my cranium pudding, as well as my battle for the ongoing uphill success of my forever future, I'm really geinuinely happy.

Not just content. Happy.

I know, for a fact, at this very moment, who my friends are. Who is there for me. Who is supporting me. Who has my back every step of the way. Understanding isn't required. That's what real love is.

And if you made it to this part, I appreciate you. Someday, when I make it to my mountain, the top of my glorious mountain, I will laugh so hard with water streamin' from my eye holes.

2013: It's your fault

2013 was a pretty good year. This is the year that my heart grew like the Grinch's heart. It can't be helped I suppose. Half way through the year, and a bucket full of disgust for "the datings" I finally met someone who my innocent flirting behavior had actually turned into flirting on purpose. It was definitely a great surprise. 

I had to get that out of the way first. So, as per the usual, I'm posting the last blog of the year for myself. I'm a little sad that I didn't write more this year, but that was explained in the last blog entry. I did happen to go through and re-read the old NYE posts for 2009, 2011, and 2012. Apparently, 2010 didn't exist, so we'll just move on from that one. As mentioned (last blog), I'm on a 5 year plan. The plan is semi-unbeknownst to myself in details; only in the fact that I know there's one. 

So, before I continue to my prediction for 2014, I'd like to say how grateful I am for this year. There has been a lot of positive energy and positive events that have come to fruition in the last half of this year and it's been pretty incredible; girlfriend, nephew, acting, trips. Now the pessimist in me wants to say that it's just a matter of time. But I'm not concerned about that anymore. I've lived through Hell for a year and came out stronger and more awesome; I can handle anything now. 

So, let's talk about what I think about 2014; unbelievable. This next year is going to be absolutely unbelievable. Things are going to change, a lot, and there's going to be some big incredible unbelievable things happening. I can't say good or bad. But I know, I've know this for a very very long time. I've said too much already. Now, keep in mind that this prediction is really only centered around my little universe, and those who are inside the bubble of me, which in no way is meant to be dirty. But ya, there is something very very grand happening this year and it's going to change the outcome of many years to come. I have the most extreme excited nervousness about it. 

Again, another massive thanks to everyone who made this year incredible. Close friends, far away friends, friends who I don't talk to as much cause of life and my inability to remain in constant contact, friends who have always been there and I don't need to remain in constant contact with but always have my back (and I theirs) family who is friends, and friends who are family; all of you are incredible and amazing and keep me strong and awesome just in knowing you. Thank you. 

May this next year be one of blessings, positive energy, and growth. 

Learn from even the smallest of mistakes and become stronger in character and emotional muscle. 

Smile more, be generous with your laughter, and always give hugs and high fives as often as possible; you never know who could use them.

Be safe-

Me

A dream

Look at me, doing the breathing and living of life stuff. Yep, yep, still alive. I've found that most of my usual blog conversations with myself, take place on my drive home from work or to/from a friends house/event. But here I am, writing, in my blog, dictating myself for everyone to see and understand, or documenting things I feel and think in case I completely lose my mind later in life.

Where to begin. Well, like I said, last year, this year is going to be a good year. I suppose it's part of a 5 year plan for my own personality; the first year was growth, the second year was stability, and the third year is push. I've taken some very large baby steps this year. Many of my friends don't realize it. Few of my close friends do.
Sigh. I have so much to say, my brain is exploding with words.

Okay. Quick speed through. I met someone. A woman. Shocking, I know. But this one, somehow, demolished my protective layers.
Everyone does it. You get emotionally hurt, you build walls. I, of course, built so many landmines I was scared to take a step outside of my own walls, which of course were layered with spikes and barb wire. Let's not forget the solid 5 foot thick iron gates and the moat with man eating piranha, a small hedge outlining that with every type of dangerous spider, and... well... let's just say I did my best to make it nearly impossible to get involved with me.
Then she happened. Not sure how she did it. But she did. It was as if she had an indestructible tank with flamethrowers coming off every side and armor piercing weaponry. Actually, it was pretty impressive. I know there's a lot of people who know how adamant I had been about not ever dating, finding someone, or wanting a relationship... and yet... here we are. I can't be upset by this, even if I wanted to. If I was, I wouldn't be in the relationship to begin with. This one is definitely pretty amazing.

So, ya... that's been happening. And as most people would assume, "you haven't been writing cause you've been busy with the new girlfriend, happens every time". Actually... that's incorrect. My weekends are pretty tied up, sure. But to be honest, I just haven't had much to say. There are a few things that come to mind now.
For instance, communication in a relationship is way different in theory as opposed to in action. Duh. Yes. I know. But when all I have to go off is theory, it's interesting to finally see it and use it in practice. Of course, everyone is wired differently and learning how to communicate properly to the certain people is always a new task. But when both people are trying to communicate and are willing to do so, then it makes everything SOOOO much easier. HOLY CRAP. I mean, really?! No offence to my past experiences, but let's be honest here, having the right communication wave length makes things soooooooooooooo much easier.

I could go for days, months, years talking about it, but I'd rather NOT make people sick with all the ridiculousness that is my emotional excitement (a different entry would be needed for that).

So instead, I bring us to Thanksgiving. Well, what WAS Thanksgiving, and is now the prior Thanksgiving of 2013.

I'd like to say thanks. I've been incredibly blessed with very good friends and family. This isn't me bragging, this is me saying thank you. I know I'm a big pain in the butt, and I tend to forget easily, and frequently. But I appreciate those of you who have made strong attempts to keep in contact with me. And those who still respond to me, despite my disappearing tricks and lack of returning calls. Trust me when I say, I honestly just forget or become busy. I'm not on the internets that is Facebook much anymore (Google chat and text is the easiest way of communication it would appear now). But I digress.
This year has been an interesting one (as predicted). I appreciate those of my friends who have been there for that much needed hug, those ears to listen to my complaints and questions, and those high fives to boost my confidence. I finally feel like I'm winning at life, and I'm feeling more prepared and ready to exact my doomsday devi... I mean...er... exact my love and appreciation for life onto the world.
I've got a solid job that challenges me and allows me the utmost freedom to continue to follow my dream of acting, wherever that may take me.
I've got a family that is supportive and also growing, with a new nephew now who has blessed me with the title of Uncle.
I've got friends who support me, look out for me, always with love and laughter.
And I've got a relationship that gives me strength, confidence, love and support. Someone who inspires me, and shows me what a good person truly is. Someone who is my biggest supporter in world domina.... er... succeeding in my career, dreams, and aspirations, no matter what they are.

I'm only awesome by way of the awesome that I surround myself with. So thank you for lending me some of your awesome and continuing to help me become stronger, better, wiser.

Parental Video Game Violence

This is a subject that I am very very VERY passionate about, and I feel it branches off onto a variety of multiple subjects.
Let me start this off strong with one sentence, keep in mind this is my opinion. You don't like it, too bad, it's my opinion. My blog = my rules = my opinion. Bam, you just been learned.

The violence from teenagers/kids in schools, is a direct result of bad parenting, not violent video games.

Think about that for a little bit. Many people have a hard time swallowing that fact. The truth is that, just like movies and television, video games have a rating system as well. Actually, the Video Game Industry created it because no one else was doing it. They were just trying to protect everyone else. Those violent video games are being played by children who are totally underage to begin with.

I've been witness to this lots of times. I've seen kids with their parents in a GameStop, buying some super shoot 'em up game and such. I've been playing a Zombie killing game for a few years now. It's pretty gorey with some very adult language. This game is an online multiplayer game, and I absolutely enjoy playing it with my adult friends. The key word here is ADULT. The game was made with ADULTS in mind. I also typically play the game at the wee hours of the morning, 1am or later. So when I hear a child's voice, who is 9 year's old, playing one of the most violent games I've ever played, at 12am or 1 am, then yes... YES, I will be very concerned and worried. Because WHO ON EARTH IS LETTING THEIR CHILD PLAY THAT GAME?!

So you wanna argue a point about that? Okay.
1) Those video games shouldn't be created in the first place. It's a video game, Video games are for children.
Right. Well, the average age of people playing video games is 19 to 34. That's a HUGE demographic of ADULTS! Video games are made primarily for Adults. Not children. It's a misconception because we started playing video games AS children when they were first created. THOSE games are not NEARLY as violent and graphic. But due to the increase in technology, games are becoming more life like and have a deeper storyline than before. The "children" who grew up playing the games, are now the ones making them.
Oh, and since the games are made violent, I'm pretty sure that the age range that they are made for, are intelligent enough to know the difference between what is REAL and NOT REAL.

2) It's not the responsibility of the Adults to have to monitor the industry that is making the games.
You're right. It isn't. It's the responsibility of the adult to monitor their children. The desensitization of children can only cause more harm than good. If a child isn't explained to that the game isn't real, and isn't technically allowed in a normal society, than ya, it's going to be an issue.

Also, don't buy games for your child to be distracted by because you're too busy to manage your own kid. If you're that busy, maybe you shouldn't have had the kid in the first place, jackass. And if it was something that you didn't plan for, then manage your time better. AND when the kid decides to go on a rampage at school because he was being picked on. Don't blame video games. Blame the fact that you didn't pay enough attention to know he/she was upset, was struggling in school, was depressed, etc etc etc.

There are so many factors here, and most of them all point to the house in which the kid was living in. Comeon, seriously people. I'm nearly positive that if anyone was to start paying attention, none of this would have happened. Selfish, self-centered, self-righteous a-hole parenting. It's a fail.

Headlines shouldn't read: "Video Games cause child to strike out in violence at school". It should read, "America fails to properly be a Parent to children"

Seriously. Screw you people for having kids and not taking care of them. I'd kick you in the groin hard enough to prevent any more offspring, because it's morons like you who are going to screw me over royally when I (somehow) retire in my old age. You're children are going to be a drain on my soul.

Sigh. Well, that's my rant. And again, this is just my opinion. I know LOTS of people who grew up playing the violent games and turned out fine. But that doesn't excuse parents from not taking a more noticeable role in their child's life and what they are putting into the brain holes. 

Time wasting.

An interesting turn of events tonight. And, being that it is 2:15 AM, I figured what better time to start writing and blogging about my night. My night started off as any other night, go out with friends to a bar. Typically, as habit, I tend to have only a few drinks and feel pretty good, not blitzed like most of the people there. Tonight. like any other, was just like that; have a few drinks and relax with a good atmosphere and feed off of the energy. That's another thing that I do; feed off the energy. I'm an extroverted introvert, which I feel I may have stated before, which basically means that I enjoy being outgoing and friendly, as long as I have the energy off of the atmosphere to considerably enhance that feeling. Tonight being no different.

Now, another thing I feel I must state. I read people. I don't call it judging, because I believe in the science of non-verbal behavior. And I've tried to train myself in the ways of (lack of a better term) the force. And if there's something else people don't know, it's that I don't like to waste my time. Sure, I'm interested in a lot of different people, but if I don't feel something immediatly, then I'm not pursuing. The biggest problem with this logic is that it only insists itself upon bar patrons. Because, well, let's be honest... it's a FRIGGIN' BAR! Seriously? Look at these people. It's not much further than the outrageousness that Hollywood or "The Media" paints. It's a bunch of incoherant, mentally challenged, intoxicated morons, just trying to get their jollys off. Jollys is an old term meaning, sexual feelings, for those of you who can't understand what I meant (why are you reading my blog?)

Sure, I might sound jaded. But when is the last time you were at the bar. Yes, I love the energy a bar can give me. It's positive and typically very happy (everyone is drunk off their butt). But it's also a sesspool for retardation and low standards.
Anyways, before I go completely off the rails, tonight was interesting. I had a great conversation with a female friend of mine tonight after the bar. Instead of looking and reading various people and immediately deciding I didn't want to waste my time, I should try and make friends. More friends. More and more and more and more; because maybe one of them will get the clue and realized how awesome I truly am.

Plus, as I've started to reazlie, maybe it's good practice for me, since I want to go into the acting business, and any kind of training would be great.

Okay, I'm sleepy, finally. Good night world.

*hours later*
Aaaaannndddd.... I'm up.
So, the last month or so has given me a plethora of dreams, good and nightmarish. Not that great, quite honestly. Typically, I can have a dream, and figure out why I was having it, based off of some emotional turmoil or struggle going on in my waking life. Of course, I'm not like other people who might make up something: "Oh, so the tree burning must represent my passion for the camping, so I have to be a feeling that way about it!" No. That's dumb. I do a proper analyzation of exactly what I'm going through in my life and try and figure out what has be rocked enough that my brain has to talk to me in my sleep.

Unfortunately, the last two months, I couldn't figure it out. But I think I'm finally starting to get it.

Everyone goes through ups and downs in life; jobs, relationships, money, health. I've done my part in partaking in those ups and downs. Granted, it's not as bad as some, and I recognize that. But let's keep in mind that this is MY blog. So for the sake of being selfish and self-centered, we'll talk about me now. K? (they were all out of sarcastic font at the store)

I believe, that most people, healthy minded people, after a relationship, take a break from the dating scene/world and figure out their own crap. Which, I have done. But never has it occured to me, that you can actually continue to learn once you make the choice to start dating again. Wait, wait, that didn't come out right. I know people are always learning. Life is just a giant school for learning, and it never stops. What I'm getting at is that there are things that I didn't think I would still need to learn after taking that break. I imagine that once you get to a point of confidence in being by yourself, you might choose to start dating. Because, heck, if I'm this awesome by myself, I should be totally awesome with someone too.
But after a few failed attempts at dating, that confidence gets rocked a bit, and the emotion of lonliness can sink in. Which, I think is something I haven't felt in a while, and I didn't think I would again. I suppose everyone does, but it's still odd to me. I still have confidence, but yet, I'm.... damn it brain, keep up.

New Insight on the Horizons

I swear, sometimes my ADD gets the better of me and I never seem to finish writing a thought. The other problem I have is when I'm driving home late at night, and all the thoughts that I would normally write down, I end up processing on a long drive home, so I never end up writing the thoughts down. Annoying, I know.

But here I am, finally, trying to push the other distractions out of the way to make room for a new blog entry. I'm way past due, I know. Here's the subject matter in case you want to skip to the end for some random life update: I saw the movie "Crazy, Stupid, Love".

So, in the past, I've written some what, possibly, maybe, kinda, jaded views on "true love" and all of that crap. Well, it's not really crap, I take that back. But you get what I mean. First off, this movie, well... more like the special features of the movie, interviews and commentary and such with the actors, inspire me to go for the acting roles I want. It makes me excited. I get all jacked up after watching actors be normal people and go back into performing; because I KNOW I can do that. Of course, the flipside of that is the incredible amount of hard work and time and patience and such that go into it that become a discouragement. But regardless of the outcome, I'll at least know that I made a valiant effort towards a direction that I feel strongly about.

Secondly, I've got the body frame, that if I carbo-loaded and worked out like a madman, I could be totally ripped like good-lookin'-what's-his-face, Ryan Gosling. I already got the body tone... I'm just saying, it's good to know there's a version of me out there so I could see what I might look like. What? Don't look at me like that. Bah, you know I'm right.

Thirdly, this love thing. To do a quick summary of the movie title alone, I think it sums up the movie. First third is "Crazy". Then it gets pretty stupid. And it ends with a nice little box of "love". It's interesting. The first part of the movie you watch, and slightly learn, how to pick up on women at a bar. Which has always been fascinating to me. To be honest, I've never hit on a woman at a bar; not intentionally at least. I'm the type of person who feeds off of the energy of others. A good, high level of positivity can get keep my batteries running for awhile. Plus, certain places are fantastic for people watching and studying human behavior. I feel that the more I witness and watch and study, the more understanding I'll end up being towards others. It's a little odd to me, now that I think about it. I typically learn best by doing, but in this situation (being at a bar), I learn better by watching.
So why go to a bar if I'm not going to hit on women? Like I said, I'm there for the atmosphere, the energy, and sometimes you don't know who'll you meet. I've met some interesting people, randomly of course, but still enjoyable.

I really feel like there's a lot more I want to say, but I'm not quite sure I have the words corrected yet. Case in point, that sentence makes more sense in my head.

Lastly, life is grand. I've gotten a bit bored, since I'm not swing dancing anymore. I've been taking some great acting classes. I've been running and exercising regularly. Since I was gone a lot during the week/months, last year, I've taken more time to be at home and enjoy my place and home theater. Movies aren't the same anywhere else now.

That's all I got for now.

From another place

So I have a few other blogs. One of them is 100% private, another one is semi-private (ask and you shall receive) and then there's this one. The reason I bring this up, is cause I wrote something that I found very poignant and somewhat personal, and I'd like to share a piece of it with the world:

The men in my family, going back to my dad, my dad's dad, my dad's uncle, my dad's cousin, all of us have this in common: we love deeply and won't quit or stop. I've noticed this trait in every one of the guys. The relationships they've had, or are in, the love they have for their spouse, is undeniably strong and infinite. This causes me to look back at my past.
Since 2011, I've been trying to learn and grow as much as possible. I've been trying to discover my faults, and my weaknesses, and really just improve on me, as much as possible. So many things have happened since then; I've actually been told I'm a different person now by some close friends and family members. All for the better, of course.
This new realization shines so much light onto myself, that I feel way more aware now of some of the why's and how's and what's. To be completely honest here, I always felt devastated and hurt by a break-up, regardless of who's idea it was (usually mine). But the truth is, that when I love, I love so deeply and wholeheartedly, that I can't just turn it off and rip it out. Fascinating really. To think that someone like me, who appreciates his solidarity more so than others, would actually feel such an intense level of love for someone when in a relationship; so much so that it continues even beyond the end of that relationship. Am I the only one who finds that interesting and intriguing?
Good news is, that I could never cheat on anyone, it's not even relatively close to being in my blood.
Bad news is, that unless I've filled that love with someone, or something else, it can cause pain when discovering the other person has indeed moved on. Not a wonderful feeling to be honest.
Sure, I know it happens. It happens with everyone who is looking for "love" and sappiness. I've always felt it takes me longer to get past these barriers than others. Cause, to be completely honest, there will always be some small fragment of me that will love that person. The further time goes, the less it is, and the more it becomes a love of the memory, I suppose. What I can say with a 100% certainty is that We, (insert my last name)'s men, love forever and then some. Trying to pry that love away from them is futile. I can't believe this is a learned experience, or an even subconscious one, but a complete genealogy embedded personality trait. Which, I imagine, for the right woman, would be a priceless gem.

I just hate it when it hurts is all. At least I can say that when I feel love (or heartache), it's not just a little bit, but all of it. 

So there's that. And, as a side note, for anyone keeping notes, my Christmas was great in New York. My New Year's Eve was stuck on my death bed with the worst possible flu I have EVER had (I'll be waiting till NEXT New Year's Eve for that kiss apparently), and my birthday has been totally rocking.
Oh and I bought a new suit. Going to the bars and clubs this weekend in my Birthday Suit!.... wait... wait... ya... that's right. 

My Stability Year of 2012

Ah, 2012, what can I say? Every year, on this date, I like to look back at what the year brought me, what it taught me, and where I've been. 2011 was a year of growth; incredible mental, emotional, and spiritual growth. This year, has been a year of stability.

But I believe that you don't accomplish a full year without growing and learning about yourself. Sure, you can't turn back time, and you can't stop the clock at midnight to learn something, but it's for that exact reason I sit here tonight and write this final blog entry.

I find this ironic. Well, maybe not ironic, as it's not really a definition of irony, but more of an unfortunate way of learning. You see, for the better part of a year, let's say 10 months, I've wanted nothing to do with relationships. Yes, I'm diving right into this conversation, so buckle-up. I was turned off completely by the idea of relationships, so much so, that I tried to make it apparent in my outside behavior and mannerisms. The concept of having a relationship astounded me. Why would anyone willing put themselves in a situation that left them completely vulnerable. It sounded WAY too dangerous to me. But of course, based on my past, that would make sense to me.

I'm going to deviate from this for a minute and bring up something that I will attempt to use as an example.
I'm not typically one to watch new TV shows. I'm a little picky about what I watch, and I have to be intrigued enough to jump into a new a series. With many friends and family talking about it, I've jumped onto the "How I Met Your Mother" band wagon. I'll refer to it from now on as HIMYM.
For those who haven't ever watched this show, let me explain a couple of the characters and my take on them as individuals.
First there's the Marshal; an all around good guy. He's that goofy, lovable guy. He's just the right amount of super nice and sweet, with a splash of backbone and sticking up for what he believes in. He stays with the woman he first falls in love with and knows exactly how to provide for her. He represents how a real, easy, loving relationship should be; marrying his best friend. (sorry for the spoiler, but it's super predictable in the show).
Secondly, there's Barney; a selfish, prideful, vanity stricken, womanizer, who believes in one night stands and money. He's always wearing a suit and believes in having epic, sorry, LEGENDARY nights with drinking, women, his "wingman" and the occasional bout of Laser Tag. He constantly speaks his mind, and isn't afraid to prove his point, even if it requires him to be the a-hole of the group and "win". He's typically a pretty big douche, but in the end, he still cares about his friends and their well being.
Thirdly, there's Ted. Ted is an interesting fellow. A combination of both of these characters, Ted has the super nice guy thing down pat, but his over analyzing brain, and his obsession with romance and romantic moments and gestures is pretty extreme. (Analyzing and Romantic? Sound familiar?). He's overly picky about who he wants to marry, he has his life planned out to a "T", and has difficulty letting go of, well... almost anything.


Now, the reason I've explained this, is because I found that the last month has been a plethora of new information and changes in myself. Like I said, I didn't want a relationship. I was of course open to having fun and enjoying time with someone, but I didn't want the drag down of a relationship. As the year progressed, so did the concept. It changed from not wanting to do anything, to maybe going out once or twice. It changed again from going out once or twice, to maybe hanging out more often with someone of the opposite sex. It changed AGAIN to being open to the idea of someone coming around and actually asking me on a date.
The progression of this has been an odd sort of symbolism. I use the word "odd" on purpose, but I find it exactly that. Various conversations with people have triggered different thoughts in my head. Watching couples, watching singles, being single, people watching in general, the RIDICULOUS amount of engagements (seriously, 5 in one week? 3 on one day? Comeon people!!!), the INCREDIBLE amount of baby pictures; all of which put various thoughts in my head. It got my thinking. and for awhile, I was opposed to all of it, but slowly but surely a little seed began to grow. It started with a brand new home theater. Yes, I'm bragging about it again because I couldn't be more proud of myself for finally accomplishing a dream I've had since I was a kid. But really, it made me more aware of something.
My own place is amazing. My couch is super comfortable (I'm sleeping here tonight). And my home theater is a total dream. But it's not as awesome as it could be. This is where HIMYM comes in.
As horrible as it may sound, I thought I would want to be Barney. He's clever, witty, and the suits... good lord, THE SUITS! Seriously, if I could wear a suit everyday, I so totally would in a heart beat. I do love a good suit. The High Fives he's always asking for? I do that. The "Legend - wait for it - ary" that he always says, well, I always say Epic. There are a small similarities between us in that regards. The honesty and straight forwardness of his personality, I hope, would be me as well. The concept of never having a relationship, well, that was something I pretended and strongly tried to believe in.
Being Marshal? That waved bye bye a long time ago. I, unfortunately, identify with Ted. I don't like Ted that much for exact reason he's much like me. Over analyzing, overly romantic, and way too picky. He brings my major traits to the surface and makes me see them for how ridiculous they might be. But as ridiculous and crazy as it is, I still won't change that.

I know I'm all over the place here, but please try and stay with me. I got the home theater and realized, that I can invite friends or family over now and we can all watch a movie and such. But after a few weeks, it occurred to me, they can't be here all the time, they can't fill that weird empty void of watching a movie on my couch with me. If they did, it would be super creepy and weird, and kinda gross. I believe you know what I'm talking about.
So let's fast forward to my trip to New York for Christmas. Which was INCREDIBLE! I love being able to see my whole family. I love my sister and brother-in-law. And like I've said before, they are an inspiration to me. They are friends, best-friends, and lovers, and it completely shows in everything they do. Individuals that share life together. A wondrous fairy tale relationship. Two things that I realized on my trip; I love what they have and I can't be around people for longer than a few days. I definitely need some quiet down time to myself occasionally and, personally, I don't find that wrong.
Wanting what they had was a weird experience. It was envy or jealousy, it was just a romantic hope for myself.
So, here we are, right now. I'm sick. Not just sick mind you, but I feel the worst I've ever felt in a very very long time. Let me make the list for you, yes? Good. Numbness of toes and fingers, intense headaches that feel like my eyes will explode out of my head at any minute, night sweats, total shivering during the day, labored breathing, uncontrollable bouts of hacking, running nose, back pains, joint pains, scratchy throat, dizziness, and that's just a good day.
I'm a total baby when it comes to being sick. I'm not good at it, not that anyone is, but most people still know how to function  as a human being. So being home, by myself, with no one to take care of me, and barely able to move out of bed, well, it kinda makes you yearn for someone to be there to help you, ya' know? I know, I know, it may sound pathetic, but screw you, I don't like being sick and I wanna be spoiled dang it!

I've listed a lot of things here, being sick, being alone, going to NY, getting a home theater, watching HIMYM. Like I said, this year has been about stability. I got my own place, I have a great job, I've got friends and family, and experienced a whole new side of being single and alone that I never thought I'd have before. I'm truly blessed, and if you believe in him or not, I thank God for all of it. I could have been dead, I could have had a no family, or friends, and I could have been living on the streets right now. My ideals of not having a relationship, I feel, have been proven to be absurd. I still like the concept, no doubt about it, but being sick, watching episodes of HIMYM in marathon form, and witnessing parts of my life flash before my eyes, well, being alone on NYE isn't very romantic. Being sick on NYE isn't any better. But if anything, it's made me realize that the "for sickness and in health" part of a relationship, is pretty damn important. Because when you are alone, there really isn't anyone to do anything for you. You have to do it yourself, and sometimes doing things yourself, on your own, solo, single, etc etc, well.... that kinda sucks.


Lastly, I'd like to end with this. 2012, you were a gift. A wonderful, magnificent gift. You allowed me to finally become comfortable and stable in who I am, and what I do. Finally gaining my own individuality in my own place (and bachelor life) has given me new hope for an incredible future. I've made a lot of great friends, and lost a few as well I'm sure. Next year is a year of change. I have big hopes for you 2013. It's gonna be a crazy awesome year. Now, if I could just kick this stupid cough that would be great.
Thanks to everyone who inspired me and helped me out this year. Those of you who listened to me drone on about possible bad choices, complain about mistakes made, or just give me a hug when I didn't even know I needed one. Thanks for all your patience with me, as I know I have an incredible habit of just disappearing. Please note, that probably won't change, so I apologize in advance. I just appreciate all of you, and I hope you're all safe tonight, and ready for a year that will be epic. 

The writings in my head

I've found that most of my blog entries should be recorded while I'm driving somewhere, because that's when I talk to myself... out loud. Oh come on, don't look at me like that! You do it too!! Everyone does it. Okay, maybe not full conversations, but it's my way of processing, so shut up!
I'm just saying, if I had a tape recorder going that auto-dictated my every word while I spoke, I'd have an interesting blog entry. Unfortunately, most of those "in car convos" are soon forgotten after I leave the car. I have had some great thoughts during those excursions.

********************************* (subject change, that's why I made this line)

I think that at a certain point it becomes pointless to go back and re-read what I wrote, because most likely I wouldn't write anymore. I have a horrible habit of repeating myself, and I'd rather live in the "ig-nant bliss" space and not think about it. Even though, I'm sure I've already stated the following.

This time of year really eats me alive. Not the shopping, not the people, but the atmosphere is what does it. The nice crisp chill in the air. The smell of happiness and romance (yes, that has a smell). There's an odd sense of wonder that happens to cross my face, as I people watch. People watching at a bar is one thing. Those people are only there for one thing, typically. But people watching at night out front of a movie theater. You notice things. Like the couple who were in a warm hug embrace going up the escalator. After smiling at each other, they leaned in for a simple loving kiss. I had never actually witnessed it before, but a simple kiss turned into a way more passionate kiss. It was, inspiring, and for lack of a better term, romantic. I actually felt like the escalator slowed down to give them more time. Couples holding hands, arm in arm, arm around shoulder; all examples of people in relationships, and the varying degrees of their seriousness.

I attribute the weather to this atmospheric condition. The colder it gets, the more people want to be with another person. Obviously. It's friggin' cold! I live in a mobile home. Don't get me wrong, I love it. But the truth is, these tin cans add another 10 degrees to the weather if it's hot, or another -10 if it's cold. I typically run pretty hot. I've been called a furnace by my ex. But even in this weather, I'm gettin' chilly.

***********************************(this will all tie in together, trust me)

So I got my home theater setup. It's amazing. 55 inch TV, surround sound, the whole thing. Just incredible. I almost cried when I got it all setup. It really was a dream since I was a kid to have my own high end system. I always thought it would just be so awesome to play video games with my friends on a big screen, watch movies with family and friends and just enjoy the TV to it's full extent.
Then, after sitting down and watching a movie, I realized something. This was not what I had expected. (here's where I tie it together people)

I'm alone. Granted, it's by choice of course. But to be honest, I haven't been in a relationship in almost 2 years now. I believe that's a decent amount of time to figure myself out, sure. I've dated, sortaspeak, but nothing really panned out. Mostly due in part to my own dis-interest in the subject, and my want for just some friendly company without any expectations. Now though, well... now the whole thing is upside down.

Here I am, sitting, looking at everything I've gained and worked for and been completely and utterly blessed with, and who can I share it with? Sure, sure, I have friends. But really, most of them are busy leading their lives with their respective families, and loved ones. I know they'll always be there for me, and that's not the point I'm trying to make. My point is, that this road I'm on, well, it's not as enjoyable as I had once imagined it would be.
I really do love my alone time, and God knows I have plenty of it. But what good is going on an adventure if you can't share it with someone close to you? Ya know? Sure, I'm looking forward to my trip to Holland next year. I'm looking forward to a lot of things I'll be doing on my own. But that doesn't change the fact that it would be nice to enjoy the company of a love interest.

Again, I'm going to contribute this state of mind to the aforementioned weather.... kind of.

Movivated Inspiration

Two words tend to escape my vocabulary quite frequently; motivation and inspiration. Sure, I've used the word "inspiring" or some variation thereof, but it's typically just in passing or as a "space filler" in a sentence to convey the point I'm trying to make. Really, though, it's rare for me to be truly inspired. Of course, there was this one time a song really hit me at my core and I drew for hours listening to that song on repeat the whole time. And no, I wasn't high... or drunk. Unfortunately, that song doesn't have the same effect it did back then.
A few other times I had been inspired artistically by the romantical relationships I had been in, triggering the romantic artist in me. Always a nice moment to be able to reflect upon and tap into when needed (or wanted).

But honestly, not much inspires me. It's a definite rarity. I absolutely feel that the inspiration begets motivation. If I'm inspired by something, I become energized and motivated to accomplish whatever I'm inspired to do.

A few weeks ago I wrote about passion, or my lack of for that matter, and my quest to figure it out. I may have figured it out tonight. If I'm passionate about something, then when someone, or something, does the thing that I'm passionate about with such amazingness, then I'll become inspired and motivated to move towards that level of amazingness, right? I mean, in theory that makes total sense, "passion = inspiration + motivation".
My answer? Movies. Okay, okay, wait. Let me explain. "Devil's Advocates" might go on to say things like, "Many people are inspired by music, that doesn't mean they should make music". No. It most definitely shouldn't, because most of those people suck at singing and shouldn't be anywhere outside of the car or the shower when attempting. But when I see, watch, hear, a performance of such incredible caliber that just entraps me into a world of unimaginable wonder curiosity; when I'm brought into my own bubble and forget the reality that exists; then I know I've discovered something raw and total "truth".

I'm not going to go any further. I feel that this is a good lead in to my next blog which I think might be my wrap up for the year. Which, if you haven't noticed, is a yearly thing. Actually, I'll probably write again before the 31st, as I've got more ideas floating around in my head that need emptying. Some very interesting thoughts and new directions are coming soon. 

Givethanksing: Best Holiday

So, my favorite holiday ever is Thanksgiving. My least favorite would have to be Christmas. Don't misinterpret that in thinking that I don't like the "meaning" of Christmas. I do. But corporate America has ruined that holiday. This year they even tried to ruin mine. But instead, made it better. Thanks Corporate America!

I have had some bad Thanksgivings in the past; various relationships preventing me being able to truly enjoy that day with my family. If there's one thing in this world I've learned over the last couple of years, it's that I need my family. Before I go into that tangent, I should explain why this holiday is my favorite.

It's the one day of the whole year designated to be THANKFUL for what we have; food, bed, family and friends. The corporations typically only advertise for Christmas, and the few commercials out there for Thanksgiving is to buy food and celebrate with your family, albeit friends or blood related. I love it. Sure, I can see my family most any day of the year if I wanted to. And I'm constantly always thankful for everything I've learned, gained and even lost. But it's a day I can actually use to reflect back on the lessons I've had to learn. The chaotic life obstacles that I had to figure out how to hurdle, climb, struggle, and grow through. It's a time that I can really appreciate where I came from, how I got here, and who was there for me along the way. I've got some amazing friends who have always been by my side despite my crazy, overly thinking, and sometimes outrageous thought processing. My family who loves me regardless of the horrible life choices I make, and will support me and help me stand back up after I completely fail and fall flat on my face.
I will never forget the family of friends I have that kept their hands out to me and welcomed me into their life, teaching me indirectly through their love for their spouse, for their hobbies, or just for me. For people who don't believe in God, that's fine. But when I look at the people I have in my life, and the situations I have incurred here on this planet; whereas it may not have been as bad for me compared to some; I can only, logically, come to the rightful conclusion that I am blessed. Whatever you want to believe, God, the universe, etc, I know I have been blessed.
I can't completely get behind the idea that "positive people" gravitate to other "positive people" because when we are down and out, people will still show up and help. Gives me hope for humanity in this crazy selfish greedy world.

Now when I say I need my family, I mean it. I've grown to the idea that I don't need anyone, that I only need myself and to be able to rely on just my own abilities. But unfortunately that can only go so far. It's true, I should be able to rely on my own instincts and skills to survive this world. I need to remain an individual and be able to be self-reliant. But when I trip, when I stumble, when I get clumsy and start to slip, it's nice to know that that invisible safety net is there for me; my family. Seeing them this weekend and hanging out with them, spending time with them, laughing, eating, drinking; it's just a gift. I didn't realize how much I feed off of the energy of others, because this has just been a really nice recharge for me. Dinner, games, shopping, movies, laughing, and being lazy with some of the greatest people I know. Just awesome.

Not really sure what else to say but Thank you. Thank you to every person who knows me personally.
Thank you to those who take the time to listen to me. Thank you to those who randomly smile and wave.
Thank you to those friends who laugh at my stupid jokes when they really aren't that funny. Thanks for listening to my stories that I'm sure I've already told you before, yet you listen anyways like it's the first time you heard it. Thanks for dancing with me, even though I may step on your feet, pull your arm too hard, go off beat, and occasionally bump you into someone else on the dance floor. Thank you the hugs. Seriously, thank you for the hugs. I don't care who you are, sometimes you just need a hug and to be told "Hey, you're pretty awesome" (self-confidence only goes so far people). Thanks for the high fives. Thanks for dealing with my crap, hearing me whine, and having a drink with me. Thanks for watching me make mistakes, but not disowning me, completely. Thanks for being a mistake, hahaha. Thanks for helping me learn. Thanks for being an example of love. Thanks for being an example of what not to be; stupid.

But really, thanks for the hugs.

Oh, and thanks for reading.

-Mr. J

Weirdtobe Passions

My Octobers are always so weird and filled with so many odd random crazy memories. I'm not about to get into the gorey details, but I can say that I've met most of my relationships in October, I've had major life experiences in that month, and pretty much anything revolving around romance or the like, has happened in that month. Overall, it's always filled with changes, and learning.  Good times this last month though, that's for  sure. Life is always a wild ride, low points allow you to enjoy the high points even more.
And... that's about all I gotta say about that. What I really wanted to talk about was passion.

I've been thinking about this a lot lately, passion. I have a lot of friends that are driven and have some serious life passions. For instance, I have plenty of friends who are incredibly passionate about their dancing. They constantly go out, improve, learn, compete, and listen to all things related to their particular dance style and genre. They are constantly striving to better themselves and their skills and will constantly pursue that arena for the sheer fact that they feel so strongly about it. It's admirable and inspiring.

I feel like everyone has something that they are crazy about; their kids, their wife, their job, their hobbies, tons of things. But I think there's something important here. Whereas this is all great and fine, I think that as soon as someone defines themselves by that passion, they risk some serious insanity.
Think about it, if that person defines themselves as "I am, because of [job] or [hobby] or [person]" and then that object/skill is suddenly stripped from them, then they would completely lose all sense of self and fall into some chaotic form of depression or self loathing. Defining yourself by your passions is potential for self destruction.

On the flip side of this, I've tried to figure out what I'm passionate about. And I couldn't think of anything. There isn't one thing that I could live without. I'd rather not include family and friends on this subject, as I love them dearly and obviously wouldn't want to lose any of them. But to have something that I enjoy thoroughly and have become driven to succeed at, or passionate about, I can't think of any one thing in particular. Sure, I love doing a lot of things; dancing, artwork, writing, running, hiking, video games, etc etc. But I'm not dependant about that stuff. And luckily, I've never defined myself by what I do, wear, or who/what I know. I know who I am, I don't need something or someone to define who I am to other people. I let my personality and words/actions do that for me.

I suppose if I'm going to have to pick something I'm passionate about, it's that I'm passionate about having fun. Sure, that might be a completely weak and go-to lame excuse, but it's the only thing that makes sense to me. I love making people laugh. I love having fun, being witty and sarcastic, and being able to lighten the mood, even if it's uncalled for. But even still, to say I'm passionate about any of that, doesn't really fit the definition that I've already set prior in this entry.

Personally, I feel like I should have SOMETHING that motivates me and gets me excited, but the truth is, I'm excited to do anything fun and awesome. Despite my past personality quirks, I really do love a good challenge, and enjoy the accomplishment of finishing that task, learning that skill, and saying "Hey, I did that, I may have totally sucked at it, but I tried it!" So that's still a win in my book.

Maybe I just haven't found that thing to drive me. Maybe I should just pick a direction and drive there. Maybe I should just hire someone to drive for me. Maybe I'll just learn to fly instead. Up, Up and AWWWWWWWAAAAAAYYYY!

The bump on my forehead

My horrible habit of reading my blog entries AFTER I've posted them, is biting me in the butt. I'm just putting that out there at the beginning of this entry in hopes that I remember to re-read this again before posting it.

I have a few flaws in my character that I feel need to be addressed. I think my stubbornness is a little ridiculous. Okay... very ridiculous. I tend to make an opinion about something, and will refuse to budge from it, which isn't very healthy. Which brings me to the next flaw, I don't like being wrong. I don't mind admitting when I'm wrong. Heck, I've made a lot of mistakes in life (as most people do), and I've learned and grew from those mistakes. What I'm talking about is when I tend to get overly specific on an opinion that I will constantly claim a certain belief with, and then when I realize it's not a great plan, I'll be too stubborn to back down from the first opinion because I made such a stink about it to begin with.
That sentence was such a generalized nondescript piece of nonsense. Even now, my stubbornness holds me back from admitting that I may have made a mistake in my personal views.

Sigh.

So far the theme for me the last few weeks have been relationships. I've been watching and observing people on every level. Seriously, I've seen two people just start off courting each other, the next stage of dating, the stage after that for a relationship, then the long term relationship, then the love, then the engagement, then the marriage, the living together, etc etc. I feel like I've seen everything. So, knowing that I've been a strong advocate for being single, forever, what happens today? Allow me to paint this picture for you, I wake up at 9:30am, after a long night out with some friends. The place is empty. Just me. Quiet and peaceful. I had no plans. Nothing. I was free to be as lazy and boring as I wanted.. Now, I'm not sure where this feeling or, dare I say, yearning, came from, but (and I absolutely hate to admit to this) I really just wanted to watch a movie on my couch and, ugg, cuddle with someone. Not just someone, but a female of romantic interest.
First off, words I don't like saying: cuddle and cute. Don't get me wrong, I love both, but I hate using those words. *shrug* I'm not sure why, so don't bother asking. The point here is that the thought of having someone who was with me for a relationship, to just sit and watch a movie with, and make dinner for, well, it wasn't a fleeting thought. Those thoughts normally just sweep through my brain for a half second, then something happens to reminds me. But nothing did! That's annoying is what it is. I'd been such an advocate for this single life, that now, all of a sudden, the idea of having someone on my arm is a... good... idea????

I still love being by myself, on my own, and left to my own devices. I do what I want when I want. But there are moments where I'd like to have someone over and just relax with them. And, not just a random person, but someone I'd be genuinely interested in having around more.

I have no idea where this concept or idea came from, but it worries me a bit. Seems like a potentially dangerous road to travel. But like I've stated before, it's a catch 22. If I want a relationship, I have to open myself up to the chance to be hurt. If I protect myself from being hurt, I open myself to being alone. It's really a choice of what's more important, and what's worth the risk.

*light bulb*
I know what triggered all of this (besides the giant knot on my forehead from last night). I've had some great experiences lately with some amazing friends and people. And experiencing a small glimpse of the perks of a relationship have inspired this ridiculous notion in my head. Talking with some people and learning what makes them tick, and how they feel about relationships and all of that, well, that got into my head too. So I can see the potential perks of a relationship now. I suppose it's just a matter of who I take that risk for.

I've finally, FINALLY, gained the ability to see the notorious 'Red Flags' while talking with someone. Which is a glorious ability. In fact, I fear I may have some of my own red flags that I need to figure out how to remove, but still, I'm in a great place right now. I've never been a serial dater, and I'm definitely not a slut, so where does that put me? If I was to travel down this road to attempt to date, how do I even begin that? All of this still seems weird to me.

I must have hit my head really hard last night to think about this stuff so much. I wonder if I made any sense at all here. I'm retarded. I'll admit to that. 

Pooping on Memories

(snicker) Poop (snicker). That's my favorite word. I know it's immature and completely childish. But YOU try saying the word poop and not smiling a little bit. Such a funny stupid little word, but I love it. 

Now I usually, typically, try my hardest to not post anything too extremely personal. I do fairly well to avoid names, and such while writing. I feel it's the best I can do out of respect for those who would like to remain anonymous; which I get, because I too would like the anonymity. 

Recently my life has taken some random roller-coaster, and been very exciting, headed straight up, and then suddenly dropped with a big loop and twist right in the center. Normally this kind of thing would cause me to hurl all over the place and possibly crap myself, but alas, it did not. I feel definitely stronger than I did in the past, with a much clearer head on my shoulders. 

I know quite a few friends read this, and I'll spare the gory details. But one thing has become apparent; some friends are no longer friends, and some memories aren't quite remembered as clearly as they once were. You never realize how possible it is for someone to poop all over your memories. Those are supposed to be some sacred things, untouchable even. But as I've realized, it can happen. Details are not required here, but things that I thought I had held on to dearly, were really not the way I had remembered it. 

It's bittersweet really. I've learned a lot from my past relationships. All of them. And sure, they all had their issues. Every woman I've had a relationship with, all 5 if you can believe that, have changed me in positive ways. Most of them have apologized. A few of them still hold me as one of the more amazing men to have appeared in their lives. All quite flattering. One thing I've noticed is that they are all bittersweet. And, after each one, the breakup and moving on has become more difficult. Pain happens, it's a passage of life. Without pain, we wouldn't value the pleasures of life as much. I've found that I really pour myself full into each relationship, the last one being no different.

This all seems like it ended recently. But the funny thing about relationships, is that they always stick with you. They're always there. I've had many things lately trigger memories. The scratch of my palm while holding hands, the smell of perfume, the arms around my waist, the places I've been, the deja vu I've experienced; all of these have triggered multiple memories. Great memories. 

Then of course there's those moments that remind you of the hurt. It really only takes one, as all of the hurtful moments flood to the forefront for me, like an avalanche of film clips. Mainly just the pain of the breakup, or the pain of the healing process. I suppose I might be a sensitive guy, but it's these moments I have to realize where I came from, who I am today, and how strong I've become. 

It's not a matter of ignoring these, but of realizing that I'm better for it. It's still difficult when a wound is still very fresh. Or better yet, when you think it's already healed and you're just waiting for that pink skin after the scab is gone, to finally heal over, only to realize, that it's still a raw sore and bumping it on the wall or what-have-you, only causes you to flinch and remember how it happened. 

I find it sad that my go to answer for these moments of sadness and hurt, is to turn into a turtle. To hide in my shell and become the hermit I've always dreamed of becoming. Unfortunately, the ear full I'd hear from all the females in my life (mom, sisters, friends), would only drive me mad. My stubbornness doesn't outweigh my annoyance. But there are a few things I've found that I feel properly depict my current thought process.

Cue the picture to the right. I love this comic strip, and if you ever get a chance, read sinfest.net. It's an incredible comic that deals with a ton of topics. The main character here is Slick. Aside from the sun glasses, I feel very much in tune with his character. His act of hiding his heart in a safe, seems like the most just and honest way of protecting it, not to mention the most logical. 

Sure sure, everyone says that's dumb, and I should at least have the safe door open. But I've still yet to hear a valid reason as to why. I have friends and family, so what could I possibly be missing? I don't need anything else. Keep in mind I said need. Is it possible that this guy, as awesome and kind as I am, might honestly just want to be alone? Sure, I enjoy the company of a warm blooded beautiful woman by side, just like any straight guy. But do I need it? Nope. I can be open to meeting people. But being open to any kind of future? I feel very bad and sad towards which ever woman decides to hop through that land mine.

This video on my left, I feel properly depicts the future possibilities at this point for me. This all has to deal with matters of the heart. Handing the most valuable sense of self over to someone is a risky business. In this video, two people are breaking up. The guy hands over, litterally, his heart and says it's hers. My favorite part I've transcribed for your reading pleasure:

Female: "Well maybe I can just keep it for a little while, and use it for small things..."

Male: Unfortunately, it won't work that way.

Female: Why not?

Male: Well, now that you have my heart, I'm pretty much an empty cavity inside. For lack of a better term, "heartless". I will now treat each woman I meet with a passive aggressive contentiousness that will ruin relationship after relationship for many years to come.

I'd like to remind you that, this won't be on purpose. My distance from such words as "relationship" and "future" or any "definition" would come across as fear, and most reasonably so. 

I find that many of today's singles and individuals that used to be a "huge catch" and a "put together" person with a "good head on their shoulders", not to mention the "emotionally mature and secure" have all been wrecked and beaten into possibly a bitter, angry person, who has embraced fear and the lack of hope. 

That last paragraph, and probably the few before it, added a very big glass of bitterness party of 1 to the table. Not my intention. I'm merely pointing out the huge potential for such dramatic increases due to the emptiness and hollowness of a person. 

I will still stand by my previous arguments that I am not looking for a relationship, but I am willing to get to know you. I will not pursue you, as I've done that before and it does not work in my favor. Getting to know me will be difficult and exhausting, not because I don't want anyone close, but because I need to be protective. I'm well aware of my flaws, and my personal issues. Fortunately, my trust hasn't become jeopardized, which is odd, since I've been lied to more times than I'd like to count in multiple facets of my life. I do have a bitterness to me though, which I believe is justifiable once my stories are brought to the surface. 

I feel that in the past I've felt anger and frustration. Now I only feel sadness and compassion. Sure, I was the one hurt, and hurt badly if you knew the real story behind it all. That's most definitely not saying the other person was hurting. I am, in no way, shape or form, saying that they weren't in a dramatic level of pain, after the breakup. But for which ever relationship I've experienced, it all finally accumulates to my own personal wisdom: compassion. It's truly sad that this woman who got hurt, or is hurting, isn't aware of their actions, words, or choices, until well after the fact. I've seen it for almost every single relationship. I now wish I could only help more to bring to light the errors. I've had to learn a lot and grow in directions that my heart and brain really were resistant to. But the only way to grow stronger or faster is after pain. Pain is a horrible motivator in the greatest way possible. 

2:45 am. My insomnia is back. I would love to hear opinions and anything else anyone would love to share with me. I will say this, I'm glad it's all over. I finally have my answers. My choices are clear. I can be happy and rest assured that I now have new skills and a stronger sense of self. My confidence is higher, my health is greater. My strength is currently weak, but I know it'll come back in full soon. I'm skeptic of a lot of things, but my brain is always running, and sharp. My awareness has grown. My understanding of the human heart and condition, I feel, has been limitless. 

I'm just experiencing a flat tire (or three). I'll be back on the freeway after a pit-stop and a nap.

Soul Mating

I've heard this term a lot lately, soul mates. And it really got me thinking about it and what it means to me. So, where better to explain my thoughts and opinion than on a public forum for the world to see, right?

Dictionary.com's definition is this:

a person with whom one has a strong affinity, shared values and tastes, and often a romantic bond

 In the dialogue The Symposium, Aristrophanes explains that humans originally had 4 arms, 4 legs, and a single head made of two faces. Zeus feared their power and split them in half, condemning them to spend their lives searching for the other half to complete them.

And lastly, Urban Dictionary. Now, usually Urban Dictionary is pretty foul and rancid with some very weird definitions of stuff. This however says what I think most people would agree with:

A person with whom you have an immediate connection the moment you meet -- a connection so strong that you are drawn to them in a way you have never experienced before. As this connection develops over time, you experience a love so deep, strong and complex, that you begin to doubt that you have ever truly loved anyone prior. Your soulmate understands and connects with you in every way and on every level, which brings a sense of peace, calmness and happiness when you are around them. And when you are not around them, you are all that much more aware of the harshness of life, and how bonding with another person in this way is the most significant and satisfying thing you will experience in your lifetime. You are also all that much aware of the beauty in life, because you have been given a great gift and will always be thankful.

I on the other hand, don't buy into it. It all seems a bit too sappy, even for me. The Disney-esque fairy tail is a total fantasy theory. I'm gonna stop here a second. I want to explain, before I continue on, that this entry might come across jaded or bitter. That is NOT my intention at all. I'm not bitter about love, or jaded by anyone. I've felt love, and experienced it. So again, I'm not trying or aiming at being jaded or bitter in any of this. It's just my thought process on the matter.

I believe that "soul mates" can happen with almost anyone. What I believe is really happening is the excitement of dating someone you genuinely find interest in on a mental and physical level. As you get to know them, you start growing butterflies in your stomach. Gross, right? The excitement, and anxiousness of hearing from them, seeing them, talking to them, completely engrosses you're whole being. AND, if you're lucky, they are feeling the same way. THAT is what I think most people perceive as meeting your soul mate. It's called the honeymoon stage of dating, I think. The real fun begins when that's over and your head comes back out of the clouds. The effort and work two people put into a relationship is what's important.
Soul Mates don't just click and never have a problem.  That would be unbelievable.

Dang it. I just argued myself out of a belief that I had. It's almost like the facts are stronger in the favor of soul mates existing than not.

When I write, I'm thinking about 4 sentences ahead of what I'm actually typing. Which can be very frustrating because my fingers can only record the brain activity so quickly. What I had done, without actually writing it, was inadvertently change the belief I had in my head.  There are strong examples in my life of specific couples who met, and just immediately clicked. Sure there were a very small handful of incidences where they had a small argument or tiff, but nothing that understanding and communication couldn't fix. Actually, screw that. I still don't buy this 'soul mate' gimmick.

 Love is a feeling that is unique to each individual. You can love lots of things, (I love lamp). But the real true love that happens is on the emotional level. The emotional level is, in my opinion, one of the strongest levels one can feel on, because, uh, it's your feelings?? Emotions are an open invitation to vulnerability. Being physical (hugs, kisses, sex, ect), or being understanding of the mentality and opinions/habits that the other has, is great. Those are very important 'levels' to be in love at. But the true level is emotional.

I don't believe that there is just ONE person out there that when you meet you just totally lose your oxygen from. I can't believe that. That just sounds ridiculous. I mean, if that had happened to me, than what had I experienced before prior to that? A really strong like towards someone? That sounds retarded. I know what love is, I've shown it, and had it shown to me in the past. It's incredible. But a soul mate? Someone who just gets you and loves you right away, regardless of anything else? Someone you just immediately click with and just lock eyes and just fall flat on your face stupid head over butt over? Come'on. Really? I mean... REALLY? Psh... that just sounds like some crazy gimmicky cheesy storyline that comes apparently in almost every classic 'Chick Flick', or 'Romance' story. The odds are incredibly and severely low on that actually happening.

I think what's really happening is just a unique and awesome level of understanding. Not to mention that both parties are most likely already fully aware of themselves (faults and all) and are fully aware of exactly what they are looking for. When those two factors are operating at full strength, then sure, boom! Love happens and people live happily ever somewhere.

Again, this might have come across bitter, it's not. I'm just skeptic of that actually existing. If I'm wrong, I'll admit it. I'm just sayin'. That's all.

Vegas Teaches...

I had one of the greatest trips to Vegas in a very long time. I went with two of my oldest friends (20 years) and just had a really relaxing time. There were a few things I noticed though while watching people, having my drinks, and being awake at 5/6 am (cause THAT'S how you do Vegas).

For starters, I realized that it doesn't matter your body type, your style, or look; anybody can get a "hot" person. I've always 'known' this to be a fact, and in theory have always had that concept that confidence is what attracts others. But when it comes down to pool time in Vegas, there are some seriously funky looking people, and some seriously gorgeous looking people. Sure we can attribute alcohol to their poor eye sight, but to be completely honest, their body language didn't show intoxication. Just an interesting sight to behold when a dude with a massive beer gut, bleached white skin and an incredible farmers tan, is able to have some "barbie" model on his arm.

Secondly, the walk of shame starts at about 5 am, and it's very difficult NOT to make fun and say something to a total stranger who is too ashamed to look at anyone.

Third, I could wear a suit everyday. I love wearing a suit. I'm not one to be cocky, or egotistical... well... not typically... usually... often? I make valid attempts to be humble, on occasion, er... a few times a... well; I try. But I look good in a suit. And I really love feeling good. So if there's something wrong with me feeling good, you can shove it, because I like it. I do what I want!

I wanted to have a forth, or at least more the list. But I don't really have much else to say. I think it's great that Vegas says: "What happens here, stays here." But you know that crap is online. People are stupid. Total sheep. I love watching their idiocy. Granted, I tend to become part of that idiocy, and that's still just as fun. I think I like having more of a group when I go to the pool, because it makes it more of a party and easier to be social with strangers. I really wanted to lindy bomb the pool. And that's not a bad thing people. That just means I wanted to have some dancer friends with me to dance in the lazy river and show off the skills we got to the random dance music.
I also really like having classy stuff. I mean, going to Vegas on the cheap is great. But if you can do some high class suite, or high roller, baller status, room? Do it! Granted, you aren't there much, or at least shouldn't be. But when you are, it feels nice. The trip as a whole was incredible. The car we rented only had 240 miles on it, was a Black Dodge Avenger, and looked very stylish. The hotel accommodations were great. I mean, I spent hardly anything, and felt like I had spent a crap-ton. Really swanky stuff. So needless to say, a tie was required for whenever I went out. And I do love wearing a tie.

I also caught up with an old friend while I was there. I'd say more than a friend, but I've never really been one to divulge the intricacies of my relationships... wait... do I?? No.... no, I don't think I do, not on here anyways. But regardless, it was friggin' fantastic to catch up and return those old memories to the forefront. Been awhile since I had been able to just sit and talk with a good friend who I hadn't seen in so many years and yet still read me and knew me like it was yesterday. Great end to a awesome day.

I really feel I'm missing something here. Hmmm... Nope. I think I'm good. I would like to branch out of my little "Vegas" bubble I think. The only people I've ever gone to Vegas with are people that I had grown up with, friends I had known for well over 5, if not 7 years. Anyone else, I never bothered to go. I guess there's just a deeper sense of friendship I hold on to that restrains me from being 100% completely open to everyone else. Not that they aren't all great and amazing friends, but it's something I'm definitely realizing after this trip. Vacations, trips and excursions with people you think you know super well, can quickly change in setting that is completely different from the norm. I could just be being super cautious as I don't want to lose those people I've gained as close friends. Not that I would push them away, nor would I judge them by any means. But with my wiring, if I'm not enjoying their company, and I realize that I'm more annoyed with them than I am with having fun, then I'm going to make some changes; and quickly at that.

I might be rambling. It's 10pm, I've slept all of 8 hours in 3 days? It's quite possible that I'm completely delirious and .... I digress, I'm exhausted. I need to write more, and more so when I'm in a more comprehensive state of mind.

Shut up, this all made sense in my head.

Dancing on a Swing

A year ago, well, actually, a bit more than a year ago, I wasn't in the greatest mindsets... ever. Without the details, and the plethora of personal information being spread out on the table, I'll just say that last year was a year of massive mistakes, and massive growth. During that time I had decided I wouldn't do a particular hobby anymore, but it held too much pain for me.

What's amazing to me is how certain events can shape a persons core. Typically, I've always believed that a person's core can't be changed. The person they are is in a solid shape at that point. Instead of changing, it morphs. I imagine this small golden ball, that slowly has pieces of tape, fabric, and foil, that all stick (like a magnet) to the ball and add layers to it. Each layer being a new level of personal growth, and achievement. Everything that a person has experienced is there; life, death, love, loss, win, lose, mistake and failure, and accomplishments and goals.

When an event comes around, you don't realize kind of impact it's going to have on you. How it might change you, or form you, or what the outcome could be. It could be nothing, it could be massive. Who knows? It's the risk of living life.
I had come to a point in my life where I was no longer going to swing dance. Yes, if I haven't mentioned before on this blog, I swing dance. I lindy hop. I am, what some call, a Lindy Hopper. I actually do kinda lindy when I hop, and I for sure like to swing out on my dancing. It wasn't so much a sad moment, it was just... a moment. Sure I enjoyed it, I made some good friends who I would be able to keep seeing outside of the "scene" and "venues" that I had frequented. But for multiple reasons, I had made the choice to stop.

Now at this point, I always like to put a disclaimer here before going on, simply saying that "MY" personal beliefs and faith reside in the Christian beliefs. I am, and will always be, strongly religious on this front. This doesn't mean, by any way shape or form, that I'm going to judge you, or hate you, or dislike you, because you disagree with my beliefs. Actually, far from it. I embrace all those that differ from me, I like to know and learn and... well... heck, who am I to judge? Right? Believe whatever you want to believe. I got my reasons, you got yours. It's cool man. So, with that said, I'll continue on.

Apparently, God wasn't done with me here. Through some random turn of events, I had been invited to help out with a documentary that would be filming at a major swing dancing event in Los Angeles, called "Camp Hollywood". It lasts for about 4 days, contains some of the most incredible dancers from around the world. Again, keep in mind, that I wasn't planning on doing any dancing. BUT, since I had been out of work for... oh... I don't know... 2 years?? I thought, "Hey, this'll look great on a resume". So, with the invite being on the table, and going to this event for free, I said "Sign me up!".

Just prior to hearing about this, another option came across to me, to help behind the counter at a local dance venue, where I would get free dancing. Again, I thought, "I'm not dancing, but that'll look great on a resume"... "SIGN ME UP!".

So with my resume starting to look better, I thought life was actually starting to turn around. Little did I know what would be in store for me.

The event in Los Angeles, not only took me by surprise, but twisted my core in a 180. Let's see if I can paint this picture for you. I'm standing in the "Camera Box". Not many people could stand in there as it was very limited to, well, professionals. Here I was with a borrowed camera, getting ready to film some Amateur Dance competition, and some Professional Dance competition. Oh, and let's not leave out the Team Performances, and some of the Showcases (a couple showing off a personalized routine). All of these individuals are there because of their passion and drive for something that speaks directly to their heart and soul. I have to admire that. Everyone has something, and for these individuals, it's Swing Dancing.
So here I am, standing directly behind the judges, filming and watching, and feeling this weird sensation in my chest. I'm in awe. I'm locked in place and watching Amateur swing dancing. But, let me explain something here. These are no amateurs. These people can dance. I mean, really, dance.
The live big band performance is underway behind them and everyone is just going to their choreography that is being played inside them. One after another, regular, everyday people, are stepping up their game, and their skills to the wondrous melodies all because of their love for it. It. It... everything. Everything that would encompass this venue; the music, the steps, the moves, the rhythm,  the people, the energy, the smiles, the laughter, the cheering, the clapping. All of IT.
So, what was this twist to my core? Inspiration. The realization that I could do that. Not only could I do that, but I now had resources at my finger tips allowing me to finally break past my own skill barriers and move forward on my quest to get better. I no longer wanted to stop. I no longer felt like I couldn't. I was anxious, excited, and most of all, inspired.

Hard to believe a year had past. Did I continue on my quest? I did. Even after severely spraining my ankle, I still held on to my goal and accomplished it; just compete in one competition. Of course I wanted to win, but realistically speaking, being out of the game for about 14 weeks doesn't help ones ability or skill level improve at all. And quite honestly, I really just wanted to get on the dance floor and see and feel what it was all about.  And let me say, it's pretty nerve racking. Massive high fives to everyone who does it regularly. I definitely can see the enjoyment in it, once the anxiousness wears off.

But what's most important is this: I still had fun.

I still would like to improve on my skills, possibly make finals. A lot has changed, that's for sure. So here's to another year.

Congrats to all my dear friends who competed, got into finals, placed, and/or won. You're all an inspiration to me. Keep going, don't stop... "get it get it"... ya, I couldn't help that last part.