My Stability Year of 2012

Ah, 2012, what can I say? Every year, on this date, I like to look back at what the year brought me, what it taught me, and where I've been. 2011 was a year of growth; incredible mental, emotional, and spiritual growth. This year, has been a year of stability.

But I believe that you don't accomplish a full year without growing and learning about yourself. Sure, you can't turn back time, and you can't stop the clock at midnight to learn something, but it's for that exact reason I sit here tonight and write this final blog entry.

I find this ironic. Well, maybe not ironic, as it's not really a definition of irony, but more of an unfortunate way of learning. You see, for the better part of a year, let's say 10 months, I've wanted nothing to do with relationships. Yes, I'm diving right into this conversation, so buckle-up. I was turned off completely by the idea of relationships, so much so, that I tried to make it apparent in my outside behavior and mannerisms. The concept of having a relationship astounded me. Why would anyone willing put themselves in a situation that left them completely vulnerable. It sounded WAY too dangerous to me. But of course, based on my past, that would make sense to me.

I'm going to deviate from this for a minute and bring up something that I will attempt to use as an example.
I'm not typically one to watch new TV shows. I'm a little picky about what I watch, and I have to be intrigued enough to jump into a new a series. With many friends and family talking about it, I've jumped onto the "How I Met Your Mother" band wagon. I'll refer to it from now on as HIMYM.
For those who haven't ever watched this show, let me explain a couple of the characters and my take on them as individuals.
First there's the Marshal; an all around good guy. He's that goofy, lovable guy. He's just the right amount of super nice and sweet, with a splash of backbone and sticking up for what he believes in. He stays with the woman he first falls in love with and knows exactly how to provide for her. He represents how a real, easy, loving relationship should be; marrying his best friend. (sorry for the spoiler, but it's super predictable in the show).
Secondly, there's Barney; a selfish, prideful, vanity stricken, womanizer, who believes in one night stands and money. He's always wearing a suit and believes in having epic, sorry, LEGENDARY nights with drinking, women, his "wingman" and the occasional bout of Laser Tag. He constantly speaks his mind, and isn't afraid to prove his point, even if it requires him to be the a-hole of the group and "win". He's typically a pretty big douche, but in the end, he still cares about his friends and their well being.
Thirdly, there's Ted. Ted is an interesting fellow. A combination of both of these characters, Ted has the super nice guy thing down pat, but his over analyzing brain, and his obsession with romance and romantic moments and gestures is pretty extreme. (Analyzing and Romantic? Sound familiar?). He's overly picky about who he wants to marry, he has his life planned out to a "T", and has difficulty letting go of, well... almost anything.


Now, the reason I've explained this, is because I found that the last month has been a plethora of new information and changes in myself. Like I said, I didn't want a relationship. I was of course open to having fun and enjoying time with someone, but I didn't want the drag down of a relationship. As the year progressed, so did the concept. It changed from not wanting to do anything, to maybe going out once or twice. It changed again from going out once or twice, to maybe hanging out more often with someone of the opposite sex. It changed AGAIN to being open to the idea of someone coming around and actually asking me on a date.
The progression of this has been an odd sort of symbolism. I use the word "odd" on purpose, but I find it exactly that. Various conversations with people have triggered different thoughts in my head. Watching couples, watching singles, being single, people watching in general, the RIDICULOUS amount of engagements (seriously, 5 in one week? 3 on one day? Comeon people!!!), the INCREDIBLE amount of baby pictures; all of which put various thoughts in my head. It got my thinking. and for awhile, I was opposed to all of it, but slowly but surely a little seed began to grow. It started with a brand new home theater. Yes, I'm bragging about it again because I couldn't be more proud of myself for finally accomplishing a dream I've had since I was a kid. But really, it made me more aware of something.
My own place is amazing. My couch is super comfortable (I'm sleeping here tonight). And my home theater is a total dream. But it's not as awesome as it could be. This is where HIMYM comes in.
As horrible as it may sound, I thought I would want to be Barney. He's clever, witty, and the suits... good lord, THE SUITS! Seriously, if I could wear a suit everyday, I so totally would in a heart beat. I do love a good suit. The High Fives he's always asking for? I do that. The "Legend - wait for it - ary" that he always says, well, I always say Epic. There are a small similarities between us in that regards. The honesty and straight forwardness of his personality, I hope, would be me as well. The concept of never having a relationship, well, that was something I pretended and strongly tried to believe in.
Being Marshal? That waved bye bye a long time ago. I, unfortunately, identify with Ted. I don't like Ted that much for exact reason he's much like me. Over analyzing, overly romantic, and way too picky. He brings my major traits to the surface and makes me see them for how ridiculous they might be. But as ridiculous and crazy as it is, I still won't change that.

I know I'm all over the place here, but please try and stay with me. I got the home theater and realized, that I can invite friends or family over now and we can all watch a movie and such. But after a few weeks, it occurred to me, they can't be here all the time, they can't fill that weird empty void of watching a movie on my couch with me. If they did, it would be super creepy and weird, and kinda gross. I believe you know what I'm talking about.
So let's fast forward to my trip to New York for Christmas. Which was INCREDIBLE! I love being able to see my whole family. I love my sister and brother-in-law. And like I've said before, they are an inspiration to me. They are friends, best-friends, and lovers, and it completely shows in everything they do. Individuals that share life together. A wondrous fairy tale relationship. Two things that I realized on my trip; I love what they have and I can't be around people for longer than a few days. I definitely need some quiet down time to myself occasionally and, personally, I don't find that wrong.
Wanting what they had was a weird experience. It was envy or jealousy, it was just a romantic hope for myself.
So, here we are, right now. I'm sick. Not just sick mind you, but I feel the worst I've ever felt in a very very long time. Let me make the list for you, yes? Good. Numbness of toes and fingers, intense headaches that feel like my eyes will explode out of my head at any minute, night sweats, total shivering during the day, labored breathing, uncontrollable bouts of hacking, running nose, back pains, joint pains, scratchy throat, dizziness, and that's just a good day.
I'm a total baby when it comes to being sick. I'm not good at it, not that anyone is, but most people still know how to function  as a human being. So being home, by myself, with no one to take care of me, and barely able to move out of bed, well, it kinda makes you yearn for someone to be there to help you, ya' know? I know, I know, it may sound pathetic, but screw you, I don't like being sick and I wanna be spoiled dang it!

I've listed a lot of things here, being sick, being alone, going to NY, getting a home theater, watching HIMYM. Like I said, this year has been about stability. I got my own place, I have a great job, I've got friends and family, and experienced a whole new side of being single and alone that I never thought I'd have before. I'm truly blessed, and if you believe in him or not, I thank God for all of it. I could have been dead, I could have had a no family, or friends, and I could have been living on the streets right now. My ideals of not having a relationship, I feel, have been proven to be absurd. I still like the concept, no doubt about it, but being sick, watching episodes of HIMYM in marathon form, and witnessing parts of my life flash before my eyes, well, being alone on NYE isn't very romantic. Being sick on NYE isn't any better. But if anything, it's made me realize that the "for sickness and in health" part of a relationship, is pretty damn important. Because when you are alone, there really isn't anyone to do anything for you. You have to do it yourself, and sometimes doing things yourself, on your own, solo, single, etc etc, well.... that kinda sucks.


Lastly, I'd like to end with this. 2012, you were a gift. A wonderful, magnificent gift. You allowed me to finally become comfortable and stable in who I am, and what I do. Finally gaining my own individuality in my own place (and bachelor life) has given me new hope for an incredible future. I've made a lot of great friends, and lost a few as well I'm sure. Next year is a year of change. I have big hopes for you 2013. It's gonna be a crazy awesome year. Now, if I could just kick this stupid cough that would be great.
Thanks to everyone who inspired me and helped me out this year. Those of you who listened to me drone on about possible bad choices, complain about mistakes made, or just give me a hug when I didn't even know I needed one. Thanks for all your patience with me, as I know I have an incredible habit of just disappearing. Please note, that probably won't change, so I apologize in advance. I just appreciate all of you, and I hope you're all safe tonight, and ready for a year that will be epic. 

Givethanksing: Best Holiday

So, my favorite holiday ever is Thanksgiving. My least favorite would have to be Christmas. Don't misinterpret that in thinking that I don't like the "meaning" of Christmas. I do. But corporate America has ruined that holiday. This year they even tried to ruin mine. But instead, made it better. Thanks Corporate America!

I have had some bad Thanksgivings in the past; various relationships preventing me being able to truly enjoy that day with my family. If there's one thing in this world I've learned over the last couple of years, it's that I need my family. Before I go into that tangent, I should explain why this holiday is my favorite.

It's the one day of the whole year designated to be THANKFUL for what we have; food, bed, family and friends. The corporations typically only advertise for Christmas, and the few commercials out there for Thanksgiving is to buy food and celebrate with your family, albeit friends or blood related. I love it. Sure, I can see my family most any day of the year if I wanted to. And I'm constantly always thankful for everything I've learned, gained and even lost. But it's a day I can actually use to reflect back on the lessons I've had to learn. The chaotic life obstacles that I had to figure out how to hurdle, climb, struggle, and grow through. It's a time that I can really appreciate where I came from, how I got here, and who was there for me along the way. I've got some amazing friends who have always been by my side despite my crazy, overly thinking, and sometimes outrageous thought processing. My family who loves me regardless of the horrible life choices I make, and will support me and help me stand back up after I completely fail and fall flat on my face.
I will never forget the family of friends I have that kept their hands out to me and welcomed me into their life, teaching me indirectly through their love for their spouse, for their hobbies, or just for me. For people who don't believe in God, that's fine. But when I look at the people I have in my life, and the situations I have incurred here on this planet; whereas it may not have been as bad for me compared to some; I can only, logically, come to the rightful conclusion that I am blessed. Whatever you want to believe, God, the universe, etc, I know I have been blessed.
I can't completely get behind the idea that "positive people" gravitate to other "positive people" because when we are down and out, people will still show up and help. Gives me hope for humanity in this crazy selfish greedy world.

Now when I say I need my family, I mean it. I've grown to the idea that I don't need anyone, that I only need myself and to be able to rely on just my own abilities. But unfortunately that can only go so far. It's true, I should be able to rely on my own instincts and skills to survive this world. I need to remain an individual and be able to be self-reliant. But when I trip, when I stumble, when I get clumsy and start to slip, it's nice to know that that invisible safety net is there for me; my family. Seeing them this weekend and hanging out with them, spending time with them, laughing, eating, drinking; it's just a gift. I didn't realize how much I feed off of the energy of others, because this has just been a really nice recharge for me. Dinner, games, shopping, movies, laughing, and being lazy with some of the greatest people I know. Just awesome.

Not really sure what else to say but Thank you. Thank you to every person who knows me personally.
Thank you to those who take the time to listen to me. Thank you to those who randomly smile and wave.
Thank you to those friends who laugh at my stupid jokes when they really aren't that funny. Thanks for listening to my stories that I'm sure I've already told you before, yet you listen anyways like it's the first time you heard it. Thanks for dancing with me, even though I may step on your feet, pull your arm too hard, go off beat, and occasionally bump you into someone else on the dance floor. Thank you the hugs. Seriously, thank you for the hugs. I don't care who you are, sometimes you just need a hug and to be told "Hey, you're pretty awesome" (self-confidence only goes so far people). Thanks for the high fives. Thanks for dealing with my crap, hearing me whine, and having a drink with me. Thanks for watching me make mistakes, but not disowning me, completely. Thanks for being a mistake, hahaha. Thanks for helping me learn. Thanks for being an example of love. Thanks for being an example of what not to be; stupid.

But really, thanks for the hugs.

Oh, and thanks for reading.

-Mr. J

End of the Year Wrap Up

Please allow me to start off by talking directly to this year.

Mr. 2011:

You sir, are a jerk. A very oddly craptacular year. I feel that this year, unlike previous years before you, had been an unconditional violent love. You greeted me a few months into the year with a Louisville Slugger Baseball Bat, to the back of the head and proceeded to break my legs all while saying "it's for your own good".  I'm pretty sure that explains everything in a nutshell. And for that moment, I'm thankful. I hate you, but I'm still thankful. 

This year has been a whirlwind of events for me. For those of you who already knew me, you've most likely seen the major changes I've made and strides I've done to better myself. For those of you have gotten to know me over the past several months, I'm lucky to have you in my life. 

I really feel that this year needed to be over a long time ago, but that could have been due to my own impatience. Overall, I'm glad it didn't end. A good chunk of this year really sucked. I mean it was not even craptacular, it was just crap. Lots of headaches and struggling to find who I am, and where I'm going. 

I'm very proud to annouce that this next year is definitely a new year. A new year in more ways than before. I know I know, you can always start a new year whenever you want. You can start new hobbies, thought processes, ect ect. But it most definitely helps to have a solid starting point as 1/1/insert year.

I got goals my friends. Big plans. Lots of things that go into many aspects of my life. I'll be writting an entry in my regular blog for goals either today or tomorrow. This coming year is going to be an Epically Awesome year. I can feel it.

My toast to you; my friends and family, all of you who I hold so dear and respect so much, Thank you. Thank you for the time you've spent with me, the advice you've given me, and the extreme patience you've had with me. I pray that this coming year be a year of trials, hardships. Yes, you read that right. I want the best for all of you. I want you to gain strength and knowledge. I want positive growth and pure happiness to well up inside you as you see where you've been and where you are now. I want positivity to flourish in your everyday life from the superhero like strength you gained from the turmoil you faced. My friends, you are all incredible in you're own specific way, and I only want this year to be one of increased blessings and awesomeness for all of you. I would not be the person I am today, if I had not encountered this year with your guidance and help. Again, I'm eternally grateful. Tonight, I have a single drink for all of you, wherever you are, Thank You. 

Good bye 2011, thanks for breaking my legs and making me re-learn how to walk.

Oh, and if you didn't like my toast, then this one works too.

‎"May your coming year be filled with magic and dreams and good madness. I hope you read some fine books and kiss someone who thinks you're wonderful, and don't forget to make some art -- write or draw or build or sing or live as only you can. And I hope, somewhere in the next year, you surprise yourself." -Neil Gaiman

-Me

Inner Strength at the weary part of a battle

Many things have been brought to my attention over the past few days. Which is always impressive to me as I continuously learn and adapt and grow exponentially every time. What was discovered? Allow me the chance to enlighten you my good sir (and women).

The worst part about goals, is the hardest part. The worst part about accomplishing, fighting the battle, and pushing forward, is the hardest part. What does that mean? It means that when you are about to win, or you're about to beat that goal into utter submission, to take the gold, to get the trophy, to feel that sense of accomplishment, or joy from attaining and winning, you have to deal with the preasure, the weariness, the exhaustion, those moments of dispair when you feel you just can't go on. Ya. THAT is the hardest part about goals and pushing forward.

There have been critical moments in life where there was something you wanted to do, and starting it might have been hard. But as you continued to do it, it got easier, and more enjoyable. Then, it got difficult. Maybe not out of the blue, but at some point, it started. It could have been a hobby, or a skill set, anything. It doesn't have to be physically or emotionally difficult. Simple things like just a simple "plateau"ing on your skill level or knowledge base. It becomes draining, and exhausting to push past it. Moments where you don't WANT to go forward, too tired to move, too tired from fighting.
Oh yes, those are the hardest moments. To continue to find strength where you don't think you have anymore? Bah. Screw that. There's been moments where I'm playing a game, having fun, staying up late, swing dancing, or whatever else it is, and I get soooo tired and exhausted, but I don't want to stop, cause I'm having fun. Did I give up? Nope, I kept going. I trudged through it and got my second wind. There's ALWAYS a second wind.

It's been incredibly difficult in life lately for me, and yet I continue on. I'm trying not to look so much to the future and what I don't have right now. Instead I'm trying to deal with today, the strength I have for today, and use it. To acknowledge what I have now, and what I need to do today. I'm at the hardest point right now, the battle is at an all time high and I have to find that second wind and make it happen. Continue on, the battle will be won, maybe not tomorrow, maybe not next week, maybe not 6 months from now. But it doesn't matter. I just know that I'll conquer all of it. I have to, I'm too far into this crap to stop now. What's the point in stopping? To catch my breath? No. All breath needs to be exhausted before endurance can be built. I just made that up, you can use it, quote me, cause... I'm awesome.

I should change my blog to Personal Awesome, or Awesome Chaos. Captain Awesome Chaos. Admiral of Chaos that is awesome. My awesome personal chaos.

Maybe if I say it enough times, "I got this", I'll convince myself it's true. That's how it's done right? I've pushed myself physically, and I'm accomplishing those goals. I'm pushing myself mentally, and eventually those blocks will be destroyed. I am struggling emotionally, but it's only the peak of exhaustion. I got this.

"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up."
Galations 6:9
The rewards are too great if "we do not give up."
I will never give up again. I will constantly strive to be the best person I can be. I will grow and be strong on every level. Nothing will stop me. I am the Hulk, and the Hulk Smashes! Boom sucka!


I got this. Just watch. It's difficult now, it'll get difficult later, maybe more so, but it won't stop me. Just watch.

A need

I have the feeling, the need, to write something. Unfortunately, I don't really have too much to say. Don't get me wrong, I have plenty of thoughts and theories and other nonsense crammed into that small brain of mine, but most of it shouldn't really be spoken or written out-loud. Ah... I know.

I've still been doing my bike and run every early morning for a few weeks now, which is longer than I usually stick with some form of exercise, so I'm feeling pretty good about myself lately. I've got my head on straight finally and it's not AS crooked as it was before (still a little lop-sided, but not everyone is perfect, right?). If you are curious about what I'm talking about with this "crooked" nonsense, I suggest the blog entry "Taking A Chance", or you can click the subject link on the left side called "Changes" for a list of the important blogs.

During my 10 mile bike ride, I listen to a podcast from church, and when it's over, I do a lot of introspective thinking as well as a ton of prayer. For some reason I feel I say this at the beginning of every blog entry. I should stop doing that. Anyways, during one of those moments the lesson of holding grudges came up. That's where this blog is headed today.

I've held some grudges in my day. My family and friends know this. I'm a very stubborn person and if I feel wronged, or disrespected, I'll write off the person, or hold a grudge against them. I didn't really know what holding a grudge was until I actually really thought about it. Apparently there's a couple of individuals, mainly family members, who I've held a grudge against. My father taught me (I'll never forget this), "Mess with one bean, you mess with the whole burrito." Ahh, classic father insight. So when I felt one of my sisters, or one of my parents were wronged, I held a grudge against them. Lately, I've been trying to let it go. And for the most part I have. There is an individual (family related) that I still hold a grudge against, but that's only cause I felt hurt or disrespected by them.

Look, the point is this, and it's a tough fact, but holding something against someone doesn't hurt them, it only hurts yourself. I think many people lose sight of that and forget that that's what is truly happening. Opportunities are missed and life isn't shared. Who knows what the future holds, anything could happen. ANYTHING! Nobody knows when they'll die, or who will die next. Wouldn't it suck to have that grudge against someone and then never be able to say something to them again? I've been trying to live a more fruitful life. Really trying to keep my eyes and ears open to what's around me and be more thankful for the opportunities that have been presented to me. Granted, I still don't have a job, but yet, I'm still alive, I still have enough money to eat, and pay bills. I'm diligently looking now, more than I was before that's for sure. Cover letters still allude me a bit, but for the most part letting go of the grudges and just acknowledging the existence of that person or doing my best to just let the pain and hurt that was caused go, has really kinda lifted me spirits and taken a little weight off my shoulders. By no means am I saying to forgive immediately, or not to feel those feelings, not at all. Just don't dwell on it. I dwelled, I simmered in it. I held on to it like it was a part of me, like an extra toe... completely useless, but it was mine! Of course, who am I? Right? Why should you listen to me? I'm just some dude writing a blog. Simple life experiences is all. You never know who can do what for you in the long run and what you could learn from others is completely invaluable. I've been reaching out to people I don't normally talk to, or see or visit with, all cause I want to learn from them and I feel that they might have a better insight into how to live life than I might.

Now I'm sure I could throw some bible versus or some religious stuff at you at this moment, or during the whole blog entry. But I won't. Instead, only if you are interested, I'd suggest going to http://thecrossing.com/ and clicking podcast in the upper right corner. So far my favorite series is Crazy Love... those really hit home for me, as well as Memories. I've listened to those quite a few times. Good life lessons for the most part.

I feel I should have a tag sign off message, but I don't. So just deal.

Interesting tid bit...

I'm a pretty fart smella, I mean smart fella. I re-read some of old posts, mainly 2008, and it made me happy. Sure it was some information that wasn't the greatest; ie a bad a relationship, grandpa dying, house fire, ect. But what made me happy was that what I learned, I kept. I didn't discard it. I always thought I'd learn things and then slowly go back to my old ways, but I've actually made a difference in my life based on my past experiences. How human like of me! That made me feel good. I also think I'll be blogging more, writing down more of my thoughts on subjects and such. I feel its a good way to keep track of what I do and did and helps me to remember where I've been and where I'm going.

Today I met with a life coach. Ya, a life coach. I truly never thought I'd ever actually need one. And it's not that I do. I just need someone to kick my butt, direct me, keep me on track... keep my accountable. That's the most difficult thing for me. I most likely have A.D.D. because I'm so easily distracted and bored with things. It's really amazing that I've had long term relationships actually considering how easily bored I get. So with that said, I've got ideas about goals and no way to process it, to figure it out, to get onto the tracks and start moving. But this guy... this guy... he's put the right ideas in my noggin to get me moving. It's a start.

I've been, obviously, feeling pretty down the last few weeks, and yesterday was a total off day for me. A breakup can be pretty brutal. Takes a lot out of you. And when you had that to the lack of a job, the lack of anything coming down the works that looks like a solid job, and add no direction onto that, depression and lack of confidence can take a good choke hold on you. Well, yesterday was a culmination of that nonsense. It happens, everyone deals with it. I wrote a post back in 2008 about walls. How everyone has them. I still believe that. I also wrote how I was going to have walls. And I did, then in 2009 I wrote about getting rid of those walls. I think there's a fine line, a balance, for those walls. Make them too high, nobody gets through and you are completely blocked from ever feeling what love is and how a strong connection to someone, and in the process you could push someone away. Walls too low, you leave yourself open for attack by forces that can really do some nasty harm to you both emotionally and physically. It's a balance, see? I guess if I had a draw bridge for the big walls, or a gate for the small fence, life wouldn't be too bad. You pick and choose who can get inside the walls. I think that's what I'm doing now. I might have made the decision to break-up, and although it wasn't my finest moment ever, it still hurt. Due to that hurt I felt my walls shoot up real quick. It was if there was some secret installation underground, and when the button was hit, BAM! They shot up. I've installed a draw bridge this time though. I think that's the safest way to play any kind of "Game". But also, this is a formal note, that I've pulled out of whatever "the game" is. Dating and the like are just too much work and too distracting. More friends? Sure. More people and connections? Bring it on. Romantic relationships? Forget it. Ya ya ya, blah blah blah, the right one is out there, ect ect ect. On a purely logical explanation and without getting to statistical about it, I'll just say that based off of my track record, and my absurdly wild romantic notions, it ain't happening. Plenty of people will argue with me, and sure, maybe, MAYBE I'll be proven wrong someday. But let's not hold our breath, huh? I've experienced all I want to experience with relationships for the time being, and will focus on me now. Which, I know is selfish, and also ironic since I'm trying to be less selfish. But we (me, friends and family) all agree it's about time. It's something that is long over due.

I highly recommend the next blog.... which will be about goals. It's gonna be a good one.

Oh, and how do you like the new setup? The background and layout I think are perfect. I'm very happy with my artwork, it's got a weird feeling to it and I'm curious to know what people think.

-me

Me

There's been a lot of changes since the last entry. I didn't read the last entry recently, but I'm sure it's been a long time. I've been doing a lot of soul searching and directional searching for myself lately. I feel that I'm finally starting to get a better grasp on what's going on with me and how I operate. I already know that I'm a selfish guy. That I come across very selfish to some people and that I sometimes do things for just me. If I don't want to do something, I won't do it. Well, I've been working on that. Part of my inner exploration led me to the theory of why I am selfish. It's only a theory mind you and not a proven one at that. I do believe being selfish IS in our nature as we always have to look out for number 1 as a survival instinct. But in this case I'll be talking a little beside that point.

For starters I have a great family and awesome friends (some of which are the exact same). I have family that is behind me on whatever I choose to do and can be right there with me during the hard times. Same goes for friends. And where as I have friends and family in my corner rooting for me and pushing me, I have nobody in my corner kicking me in the butt. I just don't. I know what has to be done, but it's a matter of lack of motivation. If I was working, different story, I work, I work till it's done. End of story. But in an everyday setting of striving to a goal, nobody is there to kick my lazy butt. Simple things like eating, sleeping, cleaning (laundry, room, bathroom, ect) those don't count. Those are things that HAVE to be done. My problem is I haven't quite realized a few things.

A) where I'm going. A direction. A forward movement to get me from point A to point B. There's no point B though, so where am I going?

B) with no direction, there's no movement, with no movement there's no motivation. wait... no goal, no motivation, no direction, no movement. That's better.

How is this leading to me being selfish? How is this just not me explaining how lazy I am? Well, since there is nobody there to nag, push, prod and kick me where I need/have/want to go, I have to do it myself. Why do I do it? What is my motivation? Me. I have to do it for me. Nobody else will step up to seriously just kick me. Relationships, all of them (romantic or not) it appears people are too scared of being a nag in my eyes, or hurting me somehow, or hoping that I figure it out. Well, I figured it out, and I figured out that I have to do this for me. I have to get to that goal for me.

Since this blog is all honesty, let me continue with the tradition and say I'm not the best I can be. I'm not the nicest guy in the world and I haven't been greatest friend I could be to some people. I have been stubborn, selfish and mean. I'm well aware of my sharp tongue and how quick I am to use it on someone who I think is an idiot. Which really isn't a very nice thing. I mean I still feel that idiots should be told that they are idiots, but maybe in a nicer way as to make them feel that they shouldn't be an idiot anymore and to read a book with words and not picture books anymore.

So... here I am, 31 years old last January. Alone to my own devices with about 10 dollars in my checking account. A direction? To be better than I have been. To see my own worth and potential and live up to it. To really try and kick my own butt to be the person I'm supposed to be. I really can do anything, and it's about time I actually try and live up to it. I've hurt a lot of people and neglected a bunch of others. So I'm sorry for doing that. Even though it's selfish thinking, I'm hoping that somewhere along the way I can discard that and have a better reason for doing what I do.