New Insight on the Horizons

I swear, sometimes my ADD gets the better of me and I never seem to finish writing a thought. The other problem I have is when I'm driving home late at night, and all the thoughts that I would normally write down, I end up processing on a long drive home, so I never end up writing the thoughts down. Annoying, I know.

But here I am, finally, trying to push the other distractions out of the way to make room for a new blog entry. I'm way past due, I know. Here's the subject matter in case you want to skip to the end for some random life update: I saw the movie "Crazy, Stupid, Love".

So, in the past, I've written some what, possibly, maybe, kinda, jaded views on "true love" and all of that crap. Well, it's not really crap, I take that back. But you get what I mean. First off, this movie, well... more like the special features of the movie, interviews and commentary and such with the actors, inspire me to go for the acting roles I want. It makes me excited. I get all jacked up after watching actors be normal people and go back into performing; because I KNOW I can do that. Of course, the flipside of that is the incredible amount of hard work and time and patience and such that go into it that become a discouragement. But regardless of the outcome, I'll at least know that I made a valiant effort towards a direction that I feel strongly about.

Secondly, I've got the body frame, that if I carbo-loaded and worked out like a madman, I could be totally ripped like good-lookin'-what's-his-face, Ryan Gosling. I already got the body tone... I'm just saying, it's good to know there's a version of me out there so I could see what I might look like. What? Don't look at me like that. Bah, you know I'm right.

Thirdly, this love thing. To do a quick summary of the movie title alone, I think it sums up the movie. First third is "Crazy". Then it gets pretty stupid. And it ends with a nice little box of "love". It's interesting. The first part of the movie you watch, and slightly learn, how to pick up on women at a bar. Which has always been fascinating to me. To be honest, I've never hit on a woman at a bar; not intentionally at least. I'm the type of person who feeds off of the energy of others. A good, high level of positivity can get keep my batteries running for awhile. Plus, certain places are fantastic for people watching and studying human behavior. I feel that the more I witness and watch and study, the more understanding I'll end up being towards others. It's a little odd to me, now that I think about it. I typically learn best by doing, but in this situation (being at a bar), I learn better by watching.
So why go to a bar if I'm not going to hit on women? Like I said, I'm there for the atmosphere, the energy, and sometimes you don't know who'll you meet. I've met some interesting people, randomly of course, but still enjoyable.

I really feel like there's a lot more I want to say, but I'm not quite sure I have the words corrected yet. Case in point, that sentence makes more sense in my head.

Lastly, life is grand. I've gotten a bit bored, since I'm not swing dancing anymore. I've been taking some great acting classes. I've been running and exercising regularly. Since I was gone a lot during the week/months, last year, I've taken more time to be at home and enjoy my place and home theater. Movies aren't the same anywhere else now.

That's all I got for now.

My Stability Year of 2012

Ah, 2012, what can I say? Every year, on this date, I like to look back at what the year brought me, what it taught me, and where I've been. 2011 was a year of growth; incredible mental, emotional, and spiritual growth. This year, has been a year of stability.

But I believe that you don't accomplish a full year without growing and learning about yourself. Sure, you can't turn back time, and you can't stop the clock at midnight to learn something, but it's for that exact reason I sit here tonight and write this final blog entry.

I find this ironic. Well, maybe not ironic, as it's not really a definition of irony, but more of an unfortunate way of learning. You see, for the better part of a year, let's say 10 months, I've wanted nothing to do with relationships. Yes, I'm diving right into this conversation, so buckle-up. I was turned off completely by the idea of relationships, so much so, that I tried to make it apparent in my outside behavior and mannerisms. The concept of having a relationship astounded me. Why would anyone willing put themselves in a situation that left them completely vulnerable. It sounded WAY too dangerous to me. But of course, based on my past, that would make sense to me.

I'm going to deviate from this for a minute and bring up something that I will attempt to use as an example.
I'm not typically one to watch new TV shows. I'm a little picky about what I watch, and I have to be intrigued enough to jump into a new a series. With many friends and family talking about it, I've jumped onto the "How I Met Your Mother" band wagon. I'll refer to it from now on as HIMYM.
For those who haven't ever watched this show, let me explain a couple of the characters and my take on them as individuals.
First there's the Marshal; an all around good guy. He's that goofy, lovable guy. He's just the right amount of super nice and sweet, with a splash of backbone and sticking up for what he believes in. He stays with the woman he first falls in love with and knows exactly how to provide for her. He represents how a real, easy, loving relationship should be; marrying his best friend. (sorry for the spoiler, but it's super predictable in the show).
Secondly, there's Barney; a selfish, prideful, vanity stricken, womanizer, who believes in one night stands and money. He's always wearing a suit and believes in having epic, sorry, LEGENDARY nights with drinking, women, his "wingman" and the occasional bout of Laser Tag. He constantly speaks his mind, and isn't afraid to prove his point, even if it requires him to be the a-hole of the group and "win". He's typically a pretty big douche, but in the end, he still cares about his friends and their well being.
Thirdly, there's Ted. Ted is an interesting fellow. A combination of both of these characters, Ted has the super nice guy thing down pat, but his over analyzing brain, and his obsession with romance and romantic moments and gestures is pretty extreme. (Analyzing and Romantic? Sound familiar?). He's overly picky about who he wants to marry, he has his life planned out to a "T", and has difficulty letting go of, well... almost anything.


Now, the reason I've explained this, is because I found that the last month has been a plethora of new information and changes in myself. Like I said, I didn't want a relationship. I was of course open to having fun and enjoying time with someone, but I didn't want the drag down of a relationship. As the year progressed, so did the concept. It changed from not wanting to do anything, to maybe going out once or twice. It changed again from going out once or twice, to maybe hanging out more often with someone of the opposite sex. It changed AGAIN to being open to the idea of someone coming around and actually asking me on a date.
The progression of this has been an odd sort of symbolism. I use the word "odd" on purpose, but I find it exactly that. Various conversations with people have triggered different thoughts in my head. Watching couples, watching singles, being single, people watching in general, the RIDICULOUS amount of engagements (seriously, 5 in one week? 3 on one day? Comeon people!!!), the INCREDIBLE amount of baby pictures; all of which put various thoughts in my head. It got my thinking. and for awhile, I was opposed to all of it, but slowly but surely a little seed began to grow. It started with a brand new home theater. Yes, I'm bragging about it again because I couldn't be more proud of myself for finally accomplishing a dream I've had since I was a kid. But really, it made me more aware of something.
My own place is amazing. My couch is super comfortable (I'm sleeping here tonight). And my home theater is a total dream. But it's not as awesome as it could be. This is where HIMYM comes in.
As horrible as it may sound, I thought I would want to be Barney. He's clever, witty, and the suits... good lord, THE SUITS! Seriously, if I could wear a suit everyday, I so totally would in a heart beat. I do love a good suit. The High Fives he's always asking for? I do that. The "Legend - wait for it - ary" that he always says, well, I always say Epic. There are a small similarities between us in that regards. The honesty and straight forwardness of his personality, I hope, would be me as well. The concept of never having a relationship, well, that was something I pretended and strongly tried to believe in.
Being Marshal? That waved bye bye a long time ago. I, unfortunately, identify with Ted. I don't like Ted that much for exact reason he's much like me. Over analyzing, overly romantic, and way too picky. He brings my major traits to the surface and makes me see them for how ridiculous they might be. But as ridiculous and crazy as it is, I still won't change that.

I know I'm all over the place here, but please try and stay with me. I got the home theater and realized, that I can invite friends or family over now and we can all watch a movie and such. But after a few weeks, it occurred to me, they can't be here all the time, they can't fill that weird empty void of watching a movie on my couch with me. If they did, it would be super creepy and weird, and kinda gross. I believe you know what I'm talking about.
So let's fast forward to my trip to New York for Christmas. Which was INCREDIBLE! I love being able to see my whole family. I love my sister and brother-in-law. And like I've said before, they are an inspiration to me. They are friends, best-friends, and lovers, and it completely shows in everything they do. Individuals that share life together. A wondrous fairy tale relationship. Two things that I realized on my trip; I love what they have and I can't be around people for longer than a few days. I definitely need some quiet down time to myself occasionally and, personally, I don't find that wrong.
Wanting what they had was a weird experience. It was envy or jealousy, it was just a romantic hope for myself.
So, here we are, right now. I'm sick. Not just sick mind you, but I feel the worst I've ever felt in a very very long time. Let me make the list for you, yes? Good. Numbness of toes and fingers, intense headaches that feel like my eyes will explode out of my head at any minute, night sweats, total shivering during the day, labored breathing, uncontrollable bouts of hacking, running nose, back pains, joint pains, scratchy throat, dizziness, and that's just a good day.
I'm a total baby when it comes to being sick. I'm not good at it, not that anyone is, but most people still know how to function  as a human being. So being home, by myself, with no one to take care of me, and barely able to move out of bed, well, it kinda makes you yearn for someone to be there to help you, ya' know? I know, I know, it may sound pathetic, but screw you, I don't like being sick and I wanna be spoiled dang it!

I've listed a lot of things here, being sick, being alone, going to NY, getting a home theater, watching HIMYM. Like I said, this year has been about stability. I got my own place, I have a great job, I've got friends and family, and experienced a whole new side of being single and alone that I never thought I'd have before. I'm truly blessed, and if you believe in him or not, I thank God for all of it. I could have been dead, I could have had a no family, or friends, and I could have been living on the streets right now. My ideals of not having a relationship, I feel, have been proven to be absurd. I still like the concept, no doubt about it, but being sick, watching episodes of HIMYM in marathon form, and witnessing parts of my life flash before my eyes, well, being alone on NYE isn't very romantic. Being sick on NYE isn't any better. But if anything, it's made me realize that the "for sickness and in health" part of a relationship, is pretty damn important. Because when you are alone, there really isn't anyone to do anything for you. You have to do it yourself, and sometimes doing things yourself, on your own, solo, single, etc etc, well.... that kinda sucks.


Lastly, I'd like to end with this. 2012, you were a gift. A wonderful, magnificent gift. You allowed me to finally become comfortable and stable in who I am, and what I do. Finally gaining my own individuality in my own place (and bachelor life) has given me new hope for an incredible future. I've made a lot of great friends, and lost a few as well I'm sure. Next year is a year of change. I have big hopes for you 2013. It's gonna be a crazy awesome year. Now, if I could just kick this stupid cough that would be great.
Thanks to everyone who inspired me and helped me out this year. Those of you who listened to me drone on about possible bad choices, complain about mistakes made, or just give me a hug when I didn't even know I needed one. Thanks for all your patience with me, as I know I have an incredible habit of just disappearing. Please note, that probably won't change, so I apologize in advance. I just appreciate all of you, and I hope you're all safe tonight, and ready for a year that will be epic. 

The writings in my head

I've found that most of my blog entries should be recorded while I'm driving somewhere, because that's when I talk to myself... out loud. Oh come on, don't look at me like that! You do it too!! Everyone does it. Okay, maybe not full conversations, but it's my way of processing, so shut up!
I'm just saying, if I had a tape recorder going that auto-dictated my every word while I spoke, I'd have an interesting blog entry. Unfortunately, most of those "in car convos" are soon forgotten after I leave the car. I have had some great thoughts during those excursions.

********************************* (subject change, that's why I made this line)

I think that at a certain point it becomes pointless to go back and re-read what I wrote, because most likely I wouldn't write anymore. I have a horrible habit of repeating myself, and I'd rather live in the "ig-nant bliss" space and not think about it. Even though, I'm sure I've already stated the following.

This time of year really eats me alive. Not the shopping, not the people, but the atmosphere is what does it. The nice crisp chill in the air. The smell of happiness and romance (yes, that has a smell). There's an odd sense of wonder that happens to cross my face, as I people watch. People watching at a bar is one thing. Those people are only there for one thing, typically. But people watching at night out front of a movie theater. You notice things. Like the couple who were in a warm hug embrace going up the escalator. After smiling at each other, they leaned in for a simple loving kiss. I had never actually witnessed it before, but a simple kiss turned into a way more passionate kiss. It was, inspiring, and for lack of a better term, romantic. I actually felt like the escalator slowed down to give them more time. Couples holding hands, arm in arm, arm around shoulder; all examples of people in relationships, and the varying degrees of their seriousness.

I attribute the weather to this atmospheric condition. The colder it gets, the more people want to be with another person. Obviously. It's friggin' cold! I live in a mobile home. Don't get me wrong, I love it. But the truth is, these tin cans add another 10 degrees to the weather if it's hot, or another -10 if it's cold. I typically run pretty hot. I've been called a furnace by my ex. But even in this weather, I'm gettin' chilly.

***********************************(this will all tie in together, trust me)

So I got my home theater setup. It's amazing. 55 inch TV, surround sound, the whole thing. Just incredible. I almost cried when I got it all setup. It really was a dream since I was a kid to have my own high end system. I always thought it would just be so awesome to play video games with my friends on a big screen, watch movies with family and friends and just enjoy the TV to it's full extent.
Then, after sitting down and watching a movie, I realized something. This was not what I had expected. (here's where I tie it together people)

I'm alone. Granted, it's by choice of course. But to be honest, I haven't been in a relationship in almost 2 years now. I believe that's a decent amount of time to figure myself out, sure. I've dated, sortaspeak, but nothing really panned out. Mostly due in part to my own dis-interest in the subject, and my want for just some friendly company without any expectations. Now though, well... now the whole thing is upside down.

Here I am, sitting, looking at everything I've gained and worked for and been completely and utterly blessed with, and who can I share it with? Sure, sure, I have friends. But really, most of them are busy leading their lives with their respective families, and loved ones. I know they'll always be there for me, and that's not the point I'm trying to make. My point is, that this road I'm on, well, it's not as enjoyable as I had once imagined it would be.
I really do love my alone time, and God knows I have plenty of it. But what good is going on an adventure if you can't share it with someone close to you? Ya know? Sure, I'm looking forward to my trip to Holland next year. I'm looking forward to a lot of things I'll be doing on my own. But that doesn't change the fact that it would be nice to enjoy the company of a love interest.

Again, I'm going to contribute this state of mind to the aforementioned weather.... kind of.

Givethanksing: Best Holiday

So, my favorite holiday ever is Thanksgiving. My least favorite would have to be Christmas. Don't misinterpret that in thinking that I don't like the "meaning" of Christmas. I do. But corporate America has ruined that holiday. This year they even tried to ruin mine. But instead, made it better. Thanks Corporate America!

I have had some bad Thanksgivings in the past; various relationships preventing me being able to truly enjoy that day with my family. If there's one thing in this world I've learned over the last couple of years, it's that I need my family. Before I go into that tangent, I should explain why this holiday is my favorite.

It's the one day of the whole year designated to be THANKFUL for what we have; food, bed, family and friends. The corporations typically only advertise for Christmas, and the few commercials out there for Thanksgiving is to buy food and celebrate with your family, albeit friends or blood related. I love it. Sure, I can see my family most any day of the year if I wanted to. And I'm constantly always thankful for everything I've learned, gained and even lost. But it's a day I can actually use to reflect back on the lessons I've had to learn. The chaotic life obstacles that I had to figure out how to hurdle, climb, struggle, and grow through. It's a time that I can really appreciate where I came from, how I got here, and who was there for me along the way. I've got some amazing friends who have always been by my side despite my crazy, overly thinking, and sometimes outrageous thought processing. My family who loves me regardless of the horrible life choices I make, and will support me and help me stand back up after I completely fail and fall flat on my face.
I will never forget the family of friends I have that kept their hands out to me and welcomed me into their life, teaching me indirectly through their love for their spouse, for their hobbies, or just for me. For people who don't believe in God, that's fine. But when I look at the people I have in my life, and the situations I have incurred here on this planet; whereas it may not have been as bad for me compared to some; I can only, logically, come to the rightful conclusion that I am blessed. Whatever you want to believe, God, the universe, etc, I know I have been blessed.
I can't completely get behind the idea that "positive people" gravitate to other "positive people" because when we are down and out, people will still show up and help. Gives me hope for humanity in this crazy selfish greedy world.

Now when I say I need my family, I mean it. I've grown to the idea that I don't need anyone, that I only need myself and to be able to rely on just my own abilities. But unfortunately that can only go so far. It's true, I should be able to rely on my own instincts and skills to survive this world. I need to remain an individual and be able to be self-reliant. But when I trip, when I stumble, when I get clumsy and start to slip, it's nice to know that that invisible safety net is there for me; my family. Seeing them this weekend and hanging out with them, spending time with them, laughing, eating, drinking; it's just a gift. I didn't realize how much I feed off of the energy of others, because this has just been a really nice recharge for me. Dinner, games, shopping, movies, laughing, and being lazy with some of the greatest people I know. Just awesome.

Not really sure what else to say but Thank you. Thank you to every person who knows me personally.
Thank you to those who take the time to listen to me. Thank you to those who randomly smile and wave.
Thank you to those friends who laugh at my stupid jokes when they really aren't that funny. Thanks for listening to my stories that I'm sure I've already told you before, yet you listen anyways like it's the first time you heard it. Thanks for dancing with me, even though I may step on your feet, pull your arm too hard, go off beat, and occasionally bump you into someone else on the dance floor. Thank you the hugs. Seriously, thank you for the hugs. I don't care who you are, sometimes you just need a hug and to be told "Hey, you're pretty awesome" (self-confidence only goes so far people). Thanks for the high fives. Thanks for dealing with my crap, hearing me whine, and having a drink with me. Thanks for watching me make mistakes, but not disowning me, completely. Thanks for being a mistake, hahaha. Thanks for helping me learn. Thanks for being an example of love. Thanks for being an example of what not to be; stupid.

But really, thanks for the hugs.

Oh, and thanks for reading.

-Mr. J

The bump on my forehead

My horrible habit of reading my blog entries AFTER I've posted them, is biting me in the butt. I'm just putting that out there at the beginning of this entry in hopes that I remember to re-read this again before posting it.

I have a few flaws in my character that I feel need to be addressed. I think my stubbornness is a little ridiculous. Okay... very ridiculous. I tend to make an opinion about something, and will refuse to budge from it, which isn't very healthy. Which brings me to the next flaw, I don't like being wrong. I don't mind admitting when I'm wrong. Heck, I've made a lot of mistakes in life (as most people do), and I've learned and grew from those mistakes. What I'm talking about is when I tend to get overly specific on an opinion that I will constantly claim a certain belief with, and then when I realize it's not a great plan, I'll be too stubborn to back down from the first opinion because I made such a stink about it to begin with.
That sentence was such a generalized nondescript piece of nonsense. Even now, my stubbornness holds me back from admitting that I may have made a mistake in my personal views.

Sigh.

So far the theme for me the last few weeks have been relationships. I've been watching and observing people on every level. Seriously, I've seen two people just start off courting each other, the next stage of dating, the stage after that for a relationship, then the long term relationship, then the love, then the engagement, then the marriage, the living together, etc etc. I feel like I've seen everything. So, knowing that I've been a strong advocate for being single, forever, what happens today? Allow me to paint this picture for you, I wake up at 9:30am, after a long night out with some friends. The place is empty. Just me. Quiet and peaceful. I had no plans. Nothing. I was free to be as lazy and boring as I wanted.. Now, I'm not sure where this feeling or, dare I say, yearning, came from, but (and I absolutely hate to admit to this) I really just wanted to watch a movie on my couch and, ugg, cuddle with someone. Not just someone, but a female of romantic interest.
First off, words I don't like saying: cuddle and cute. Don't get me wrong, I love both, but I hate using those words. *shrug* I'm not sure why, so don't bother asking. The point here is that the thought of having someone who was with me for a relationship, to just sit and watch a movie with, and make dinner for, well, it wasn't a fleeting thought. Those thoughts normally just sweep through my brain for a half second, then something happens to reminds me. But nothing did! That's annoying is what it is. I'd been such an advocate for this single life, that now, all of a sudden, the idea of having someone on my arm is a... good... idea????

I still love being by myself, on my own, and left to my own devices. I do what I want when I want. But there are moments where I'd like to have someone over and just relax with them. And, not just a random person, but someone I'd be genuinely interested in having around more.

I have no idea where this concept or idea came from, but it worries me a bit. Seems like a potentially dangerous road to travel. But like I've stated before, it's a catch 22. If I want a relationship, I have to open myself up to the chance to be hurt. If I protect myself from being hurt, I open myself to being alone. It's really a choice of what's more important, and what's worth the risk.

*light bulb*
I know what triggered all of this (besides the giant knot on my forehead from last night). I've had some great experiences lately with some amazing friends and people. And experiencing a small glimpse of the perks of a relationship have inspired this ridiculous notion in my head. Talking with some people and learning what makes them tick, and how they feel about relationships and all of that, well, that got into my head too. So I can see the potential perks of a relationship now. I suppose it's just a matter of who I take that risk for.

I've finally, FINALLY, gained the ability to see the notorious 'Red Flags' while talking with someone. Which is a glorious ability. In fact, I fear I may have some of my own red flags that I need to figure out how to remove, but still, I'm in a great place right now. I've never been a serial dater, and I'm definitely not a slut, so where does that put me? If I was to travel down this road to attempt to date, how do I even begin that? All of this still seems weird to me.

I must have hit my head really hard last night to think about this stuff so much. I wonder if I made any sense at all here. I'm retarded. I'll admit to that. 

Pooping on Memories

(snicker) Poop (snicker). That's my favorite word. I know it's immature and completely childish. But YOU try saying the word poop and not smiling a little bit. Such a funny stupid little word, but I love it. 

Now I usually, typically, try my hardest to not post anything too extremely personal. I do fairly well to avoid names, and such while writing. I feel it's the best I can do out of respect for those who would like to remain anonymous; which I get, because I too would like the anonymity. 

Recently my life has taken some random roller-coaster, and been very exciting, headed straight up, and then suddenly dropped with a big loop and twist right in the center. Normally this kind of thing would cause me to hurl all over the place and possibly crap myself, but alas, it did not. I feel definitely stronger than I did in the past, with a much clearer head on my shoulders. 

I know quite a few friends read this, and I'll spare the gory details. But one thing has become apparent; some friends are no longer friends, and some memories aren't quite remembered as clearly as they once were. You never realize how possible it is for someone to poop all over your memories. Those are supposed to be some sacred things, untouchable even. But as I've realized, it can happen. Details are not required here, but things that I thought I had held on to dearly, were really not the way I had remembered it. 

It's bittersweet really. I've learned a lot from my past relationships. All of them. And sure, they all had their issues. Every woman I've had a relationship with, all 5 if you can believe that, have changed me in positive ways. Most of them have apologized. A few of them still hold me as one of the more amazing men to have appeared in their lives. All quite flattering. One thing I've noticed is that they are all bittersweet. And, after each one, the breakup and moving on has become more difficult. Pain happens, it's a passage of life. Without pain, we wouldn't value the pleasures of life as much. I've found that I really pour myself full into each relationship, the last one being no different.

This all seems like it ended recently. But the funny thing about relationships, is that they always stick with you. They're always there. I've had many things lately trigger memories. The scratch of my palm while holding hands, the smell of perfume, the arms around my waist, the places I've been, the deja vu I've experienced; all of these have triggered multiple memories. Great memories. 

Then of course there's those moments that remind you of the hurt. It really only takes one, as all of the hurtful moments flood to the forefront for me, like an avalanche of film clips. Mainly just the pain of the breakup, or the pain of the healing process. I suppose I might be a sensitive guy, but it's these moments I have to realize where I came from, who I am today, and how strong I've become. 

It's not a matter of ignoring these, but of realizing that I'm better for it. It's still difficult when a wound is still very fresh. Or better yet, when you think it's already healed and you're just waiting for that pink skin after the scab is gone, to finally heal over, only to realize, that it's still a raw sore and bumping it on the wall or what-have-you, only causes you to flinch and remember how it happened. 

I find it sad that my go to answer for these moments of sadness and hurt, is to turn into a turtle. To hide in my shell and become the hermit I've always dreamed of becoming. Unfortunately, the ear full I'd hear from all the females in my life (mom, sisters, friends), would only drive me mad. My stubbornness doesn't outweigh my annoyance. But there are a few things I've found that I feel properly depict my current thought process.

Cue the picture to the right. I love this comic strip, and if you ever get a chance, read sinfest.net. It's an incredible comic that deals with a ton of topics. The main character here is Slick. Aside from the sun glasses, I feel very much in tune with his character. His act of hiding his heart in a safe, seems like the most just and honest way of protecting it, not to mention the most logical. 

Sure sure, everyone says that's dumb, and I should at least have the safe door open. But I've still yet to hear a valid reason as to why. I have friends and family, so what could I possibly be missing? I don't need anything else. Keep in mind I said need. Is it possible that this guy, as awesome and kind as I am, might honestly just want to be alone? Sure, I enjoy the company of a warm blooded beautiful woman by side, just like any straight guy. But do I need it? Nope. I can be open to meeting people. But being open to any kind of future? I feel very bad and sad towards which ever woman decides to hop through that land mine.

This video on my left, I feel properly depicts the future possibilities at this point for me. This all has to deal with matters of the heart. Handing the most valuable sense of self over to someone is a risky business. In this video, two people are breaking up. The guy hands over, litterally, his heart and says it's hers. My favorite part I've transcribed for your reading pleasure:

Female: "Well maybe I can just keep it for a little while, and use it for small things..."

Male: Unfortunately, it won't work that way.

Female: Why not?

Male: Well, now that you have my heart, I'm pretty much an empty cavity inside. For lack of a better term, "heartless". I will now treat each woman I meet with a passive aggressive contentiousness that will ruin relationship after relationship for many years to come.

I'd like to remind you that, this won't be on purpose. My distance from such words as "relationship" and "future" or any "definition" would come across as fear, and most reasonably so. 

I find that many of today's singles and individuals that used to be a "huge catch" and a "put together" person with a "good head on their shoulders", not to mention the "emotionally mature and secure" have all been wrecked and beaten into possibly a bitter, angry person, who has embraced fear and the lack of hope. 

That last paragraph, and probably the few before it, added a very big glass of bitterness party of 1 to the table. Not my intention. I'm merely pointing out the huge potential for such dramatic increases due to the emptiness and hollowness of a person. 

I will still stand by my previous arguments that I am not looking for a relationship, but I am willing to get to know you. I will not pursue you, as I've done that before and it does not work in my favor. Getting to know me will be difficult and exhausting, not because I don't want anyone close, but because I need to be protective. I'm well aware of my flaws, and my personal issues. Fortunately, my trust hasn't become jeopardized, which is odd, since I've been lied to more times than I'd like to count in multiple facets of my life. I do have a bitterness to me though, which I believe is justifiable once my stories are brought to the surface. 

I feel that in the past I've felt anger and frustration. Now I only feel sadness and compassion. Sure, I was the one hurt, and hurt badly if you knew the real story behind it all. That's most definitely not saying the other person was hurting. I am, in no way, shape or form, saying that they weren't in a dramatic level of pain, after the breakup. But for which ever relationship I've experienced, it all finally accumulates to my own personal wisdom: compassion. It's truly sad that this woman who got hurt, or is hurting, isn't aware of their actions, words, or choices, until well after the fact. I've seen it for almost every single relationship. I now wish I could only help more to bring to light the errors. I've had to learn a lot and grow in directions that my heart and brain really were resistant to. But the only way to grow stronger or faster is after pain. Pain is a horrible motivator in the greatest way possible. 

2:45 am. My insomnia is back. I would love to hear opinions and anything else anyone would love to share with me. I will say this, I'm glad it's all over. I finally have my answers. My choices are clear. I can be happy and rest assured that I now have new skills and a stronger sense of self. My confidence is higher, my health is greater. My strength is currently weak, but I know it'll come back in full soon. I'm skeptic of a lot of things, but my brain is always running, and sharp. My awareness has grown. My understanding of the human heart and condition, I feel, has been limitless. 

I'm just experiencing a flat tire (or three). I'll be back on the freeway after a pit-stop and a nap.

The other guy...

I've been processing a lot of self-evaluations lately. Really striving to understand myself and where I'm at in my core. I've strayed from a lot of regular habits and hobbies and noticed that some old habits started to slowly flourish again. With the lack of a properly functional ankle, running, hiking, and dancing have been out of the question. And unfortunately, will be another 2 to 3 weeks.
I had realized that I had put a lot stake into the "idea of who I am" into running and swing dancing. As I had tried to re-invent myself and better myself last year, I had almost forgotten some crucial key points in my own growth. A hobby does not define who you are. I've almost made the critical mistake of using those hobbies as my reasons for who I am. But that's just the thing, they are hobbies. HOBBIES! I feel the word "duh" should be placed somewhere around here, but that's just a cliche word to use that I'd kinda rather not dampen the intelligence of this blog with such a word.

So, instead of exercise, I've pushed myself to still continue to socialize in a different arena; the bars.

Once noted for their great influence on relationships as a whole between male camaraderie, and romantic relationships, as well as recovery for those dealing with hardships, "The Bar", I feel, has become a seedy establishment that has been sullied by the various alcoholics that frequent these places. Okay, maybe I'm coming across a bit jaded and most likely egocentric to a certain degree, but let's be honest, some of these places are just not right.
Last night was an interesting eye opener. People go to bars for 2 reasons, to drink and/or socialize. I've been witness to the wide array of douchebaggery that  tends to be bestowed upon the poor innocent attractive female sitting with her friends at the bar. Where am I? People watching. It's almost like watching an animal documentary from the 70s or 80s.

"Bare witness at the Male Douchebag. In order for him to secure a mate, he must be fully prepared with drink in hand, top 3 buttons on his shirt undone, and his hair styled and quaffed just right. Notice that he never approaches on his own, but the Male Douchebag actually attacks in pairs. Remarkable."

Do you see what I see now? Here I am sitting and watching some of the worst that the human species has to offer. And then I realized last night, what am I doing there? Am I a bar fly? I've been out a lot this week. Mainly as a personal test and attempt to prepare myself for some level of dating. It's been a long time since I've dated. And to be totally honest, I've never felt that I actually chased after anyone (until the most recent one). So my experience in asking someone out is nearly zero.  Not to even mention walking up and talking to someone. I have great confidence in myself, I've made sure of it. I'm smart, witty, funny, and not too bad on the eyes. When I'm on the dance floor, I'm myself, open, honest, forward, confident, ect ect. When I'm at a bar, it's like I shut down. It's the most interesting behavioral change.

Those of you who know me, know that that sounds weird. Me? Shut down? Never!

Another first was to have a wing-man. I know that sounds weird, it looks weird typing it out. But seriously, a friend of mine pulled a wing-man stunt or, sheesh, I don't know what you call it. I've never had that before. I got great guy friends, but we've never gone to a bar, and then hit on women. It was just... it was never done. I felt like such a little kid at the moment. I felt the true level of innocence that I have come forward. I didn't think I had any of that left, but apparently, apparently... I'm still not fully aware of how things work in the outside world.

So ya, I've gone back, re-read my entries on relationships and my views on the healthy ones and what I want or need. Like I said, I'm trying to actually push myself to start dating again and going out. I'm starting to think I shouldn't force myself to do anything, and just let whatever happens happen. Bah, I'll figure it out. I'm sure by the end of this week I'll know what I'm doing. I can sense it.

End of the Year Wrap Up

Please allow me to start off by talking directly to this year.

Mr. 2011:

You sir, are a jerk. A very oddly craptacular year. I feel that this year, unlike previous years before you, had been an unconditional violent love. You greeted me a few months into the year with a Louisville Slugger Baseball Bat, to the back of the head and proceeded to break my legs all while saying "it's for your own good".  I'm pretty sure that explains everything in a nutshell. And for that moment, I'm thankful. I hate you, but I'm still thankful. 

This year has been a whirlwind of events for me. For those of you who already knew me, you've most likely seen the major changes I've made and strides I've done to better myself. For those of you have gotten to know me over the past several months, I'm lucky to have you in my life. 

I really feel that this year needed to be over a long time ago, but that could have been due to my own impatience. Overall, I'm glad it didn't end. A good chunk of this year really sucked. I mean it was not even craptacular, it was just crap. Lots of headaches and struggling to find who I am, and where I'm going. 

I'm very proud to annouce that this next year is definitely a new year. A new year in more ways than before. I know I know, you can always start a new year whenever you want. You can start new hobbies, thought processes, ect ect. But it most definitely helps to have a solid starting point as 1/1/insert year.

I got goals my friends. Big plans. Lots of things that go into many aspects of my life. I'll be writting an entry in my regular blog for goals either today or tomorrow. This coming year is going to be an Epically Awesome year. I can feel it.

My toast to you; my friends and family, all of you who I hold so dear and respect so much, Thank you. Thank you for the time you've spent with me, the advice you've given me, and the extreme patience you've had with me. I pray that this coming year be a year of trials, hardships. Yes, you read that right. I want the best for all of you. I want you to gain strength and knowledge. I want positive growth and pure happiness to well up inside you as you see where you've been and where you are now. I want positivity to flourish in your everyday life from the superhero like strength you gained from the turmoil you faced. My friends, you are all incredible in you're own specific way, and I only want this year to be one of increased blessings and awesomeness for all of you. I would not be the person I am today, if I had not encountered this year with your guidance and help. Again, I'm eternally grateful. Tonight, I have a single drink for all of you, wherever you are, Thank You. 

Good bye 2011, thanks for breaking my legs and making me re-learn how to walk.

Oh, and if you didn't like my toast, then this one works too.

‎"May your coming year be filled with magic and dreams and good madness. I hope you read some fine books and kiss someone who thinks you're wonderful, and don't forget to make some art -- write or draw or build or sing or live as only you can. And I hope, somewhere in the next year, you surprise yourself." -Neil Gaiman

-Me

Redesigned

Check it out! I just redesigned the whole page. Well, actually just the background. But I'm very pleased with it. I've been wanting to do this for awhile. I also merged some blogs into this one. I had another blog that some people might be familiar with. It was called Personal Chaos. I'm no longer using that blog and have moved on to this one. I felt that it was a good time to transition. I've gone through a lot of changes this year and because of it, I've grown up a lot more. "Personal Chaos" was more of a definition of the chaotic madness that went on inside my head. Now that I feel I have it mostly under control, I understand more things and I've matured, I can move on to this blog. This one will be regular blog for most everything. I'm quite excited about it. I think "Brain Jibberish" is a great description of what some of my writing is, jibberish. 

So ya, I'm excited.

BAM sucka, whaaaaaaaaaaaaat?!

Look at this guy! I'm a dangerous machine that has the new strength to get through adversity. I've been refined and sharpened to be an incredible weapon of adversity to pierce the heart of struggle and beat the hell out of discouragement. I've been down and out, low and gone, lost and stupid, hurt and depressed, pained and deathly, I've been in a world that had one color. Now? Well, NOW this guy is on top of the world. Okay... not on top of the world, but I'm pretty close to the north pole and I'm sure it's just a matter of time before I conquer the world and I can stand on top of my mountain again.
Nobody understands the importance of a job until you don't have one for way too long. It's ridiculous how long it takes to get one now a days and the negative effects it can cause without having one. It's annoying and totally discouraging. If there's one thing I understand it's how homeless people become homeless. Most of the time people don't give a thought about it and think they are lazy and shiftless. But what happens when YOU lose a job? When YOU don't have family or friends, or you become depressed, and struggle to just get by? What happens then? What happens when you can't afford to buy food? When you aren't plugged into some kind of community to help you out? You go homeless, you sell your stuff to TRY to make it work. You call up everyone you know, you reach out and you get desperate. You start collecting recyclables. Not because you want to help the world, but because you want to help yourself. A man's gotta eat, right? So you keep looking, keep trying. What happens when you don't have a cell phone, no internet, no computer. How do you get a job then? What happens when the water gets shut off, and there's no more money for soap or deodorant? How can you even walk in when you smell like the same garbage you threw out a few months ago? Sucks huh? Ya... well I'm blessed. I'm a little lucky, but mainly blessed with the people in my life.

So now I gotta job. It's been a while since I've been this excited and happy. I feel that there are endless possibilities and anything can happen now. I feel like I've gained some of that random innocence back that I lost as a kid. I'm in awe of the world and excited for what's next.

Think about the greatest moment of your life. The best time you ever had, or the moment you were just totally happy and at peace. Ya, that moment, I remember that time. I miss h... it. I miss it. But now? This moment right now? I got a job you fools!!!! It's a level of peace I haven't experienced in quite a few months. Okay, a lot of months.

Current state? Happy. Hahahahahahaha... I'm happy. Oh... and I ain't stoppin here... no no no no no no no no. I'm gonna keep going. What does that mean? Ask me. I got plans. I got ideas. I got theories and thoughts and a process. I WILL get what I want. I WILL NOT stop. I have changed. I changed in so many ways. I have the most unbelieveable clarity and it's incredible. Sigh. Thank you God, my family, and my friends for sticking with me on this one. ooooo... facebook note time. 2 of 3 blogs written... on to the next.

Inner Strength at the weary part of a battle

Many things have been brought to my attention over the past few days. Which is always impressive to me as I continuously learn and adapt and grow exponentially every time. What was discovered? Allow me the chance to enlighten you my good sir (and women).

The worst part about goals, is the hardest part. The worst part about accomplishing, fighting the battle, and pushing forward, is the hardest part. What does that mean? It means that when you are about to win, or you're about to beat that goal into utter submission, to take the gold, to get the trophy, to feel that sense of accomplishment, or joy from attaining and winning, you have to deal with the preasure, the weariness, the exhaustion, those moments of dispair when you feel you just can't go on. Ya. THAT is the hardest part about goals and pushing forward.

There have been critical moments in life where there was something you wanted to do, and starting it might have been hard. But as you continued to do it, it got easier, and more enjoyable. Then, it got difficult. Maybe not out of the blue, but at some point, it started. It could have been a hobby, or a skill set, anything. It doesn't have to be physically or emotionally difficult. Simple things like just a simple "plateau"ing on your skill level or knowledge base. It becomes draining, and exhausting to push past it. Moments where you don't WANT to go forward, too tired to move, too tired from fighting.
Oh yes, those are the hardest moments. To continue to find strength where you don't think you have anymore? Bah. Screw that. There's been moments where I'm playing a game, having fun, staying up late, swing dancing, or whatever else it is, and I get soooo tired and exhausted, but I don't want to stop, cause I'm having fun. Did I give up? Nope, I kept going. I trudged through it and got my second wind. There's ALWAYS a second wind.

It's been incredibly difficult in life lately for me, and yet I continue on. I'm trying not to look so much to the future and what I don't have right now. Instead I'm trying to deal with today, the strength I have for today, and use it. To acknowledge what I have now, and what I need to do today. I'm at the hardest point right now, the battle is at an all time high and I have to find that second wind and make it happen. Continue on, the battle will be won, maybe not tomorrow, maybe not next week, maybe not 6 months from now. But it doesn't matter. I just know that I'll conquer all of it. I have to, I'm too far into this crap to stop now. What's the point in stopping? To catch my breath? No. All breath needs to be exhausted before endurance can be built. I just made that up, you can use it, quote me, cause... I'm awesome.

I should change my blog to Personal Awesome, or Awesome Chaos. Captain Awesome Chaos. Admiral of Chaos that is awesome. My awesome personal chaos.

Maybe if I say it enough times, "I got this", I'll convince myself it's true. That's how it's done right? I've pushed myself physically, and I'm accomplishing those goals. I'm pushing myself mentally, and eventually those blocks will be destroyed. I am struggling emotionally, but it's only the peak of exhaustion. I got this.

"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up."
Galations 6:9
The rewards are too great if "we do not give up."
I will never give up again. I will constantly strive to be the best person I can be. I will grow and be strong on every level. Nothing will stop me. I am the Hulk, and the Hulk Smashes! Boom sucka!


I got this. Just watch. It's difficult now, it'll get difficult later, maybe more so, but it won't stop me. Just watch.

The Battle...

The fight in my skull rages on my friends. Conflicts arise, and treaties are broken. The revolution has begun and The Clan of Old Habits are in fact dying hard, as The New Thoughts continue to fight strong.

Sometimes I love my analogies, I think they're quite descriptive and occasionally make me laugh. I've been wanting to write for a few days now, but the last post was, and IS very pivotal for me and I also feel that it could help others as well. So if you still haven't read it, I highly suggest it. Again, as a small warning, it's semi-religious based, so take what you will from it. I've also been adding labels to some of the blogs to properly categorize some of my writings. It's adds a better structure to the blog as a whole. With that being said I might add a new label to show which blogs are my personal favorite. Also, I'd like to state that I don't read what I write. I mean, sometimes I do, but for the most part, I don't ever look back immediately after I write it, and critique, edit, or spell check (well I do spell check while I'm writing). I will typically just write what ever my thoughts are, and the words in my head as if I was speaking in person. It seems to be the best and easiest way for me to empty the thoughts out and allows me to continue moving on throughout my day without an increasing headache.

Now that I've said what I wanted to say, I suppose I should get on with the blog and why I was writing in the first place.
I've started running, kinda. Well... no, I actually am I running. I've been trying to get up at 6am, but 6am turns to 6:30, which turns to 7, to 7:30, and one morning was 8:30. Today, 7am. It's been 4 days! Give me some credit here. Being I was going to bed at 4am a week ago, this isn't too bad. I want to get up at 6, but my bed is so comfortable! And I haven't been sleeping well (friggin dreams man!)
So I start with a 10 mile ride along the pacific coast, which I gotta tell you, is very refreshing. I'll listen to a podcast from my church, and then do some meditating and praying on the way back. That's 30 minutes one way, 30 minutes (roughly). Then once I drop the bike off at home, I just run around the block. The first day was crappy, pushed myself to go as far as I can, but made it about half way? Then I decided to go just a bit further then the last point, and I actually ran a lot slower this time, which really does make a difference. Made it about 5/8ths of the way around the block... which is just a bit more than half for those who don't do math. Today, I made it around 75% of the block. Tomorrow? I aim for the whole block... then THE WORLD! MWAHAHAHAHA. right.

Why all the running? The exercise? Aside from the fact that I'm totally diggin' the body tone I've acquired, and that some of my shorts and pants are fitting way better, I'm working on building structure for myself. The last entry had a brief description of it. If I can build a better foundation for myself, I can build a better structure to build out from. My procrastination is a major key that I need to fix within myself in order to move forward and be the best person I can be. So, if I start getting up at an (outrageously) early time, I can get the exercise in that I need to remain healthy, and focus on my tasks during the day. Before this, I was just kinda, doing whatever, whenever. Middle of the day bike ride kinda takes most of your day away from you. By time I was finally ready to do something, it was 9pm. Not so good really.
I'm also working on limiting my distractions. This is a big deal. Really, the only distraction that has ever been for me is video games. As a guy, most people might assume women, bars, drinking, would be a distraction. And where as the occasional drink, or bar would be enjoyable, it was never cheap. And women? I can pretty much assure you that women haven't been a distraction for me since I was single. Just because other guys think about sex all the time, doesn't mean I do.

I feel that I'm in a pretty healthy position in my life, I'm slowly ridding the darkness, and poison  from my head and body and making a better, more stable... me. I refuse to let time run this one though. My ambitiously lazy self can't abide by that. And I am just too impatient to wait on "time" to move forward. So I'm gonna make it happen faster. My brain is already moving fast enough, just a matter of getting my body to go the same speed.

I got this.

Everyday living

So. Here I am, after a nice 10 mile bike ride, and after listening to my local church podcast from a few weeks ago finally. The message is something I should have heard a long time ago. And I feel very strongly that I need to write about it, because this is something EVERYONE deals with, not just me specifically. I'll start with a verse... wait... let me preface something.
For those of you are readers, or at the very least my friends who are not religious, keep in mind that I have no qualms with what you choose in life, I don't judge you in any way shape or form, it is not my place on this planet to do so. I think you're awesome in your own way. This of course is my point of view, my faith and a part of who I am. SO, if you are at all offended by anything that I say religious wise, I apologize in advance as I am not one to offend on that level. So there's my preface.

Ephesians 4:31-32
"Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you."


Sounds like a pretty good standard for living life. Now the message itself had more to do with memories. Holding on to the bad memories, feeling the resentent, the "what if" feeling, and guilt. So many things going through my brain right now, so please forgive me if this seems sporadic.
I've had a lot going on mentally and emotionally lately, learning various things about myself through an incredible growing process and a full on restructure of my brain. Through this process it has come up that I belittle myself fairly consistently on just about everything I've ever done. Most recently of course, it has also come to my attention that I have extreme guilt and "what ifs" about an ended relationship, as well as other events, but we'll stick to the most recent one.  Learning to accept what I can't change. Learning to let it go is a huge thing for me.

I analyze things, WAY too much. I also like to fix things, and when I feel I can fix it, I want to. Problem is, I need to accept certain things that I can't fix, or change. The past is one of those things. I've been hurt so often from past relationships, and on some level I'm carrying it with me. I need to just accept what can't be changed.

Through the 30 minute podcast, I learned that I need to just give this broken body, not just heart, but all of it, to God. Whereas I thought I had, I truly hadn't. It's a certain level of acceptance for things that I can not change. Holding on to those hurtful memories, those chances I feel I could have fixed something, are only hurting me more. Some things I can't change. Bleh... that left a foul taste in my mouth. I still know what I want, who I want, and what I need. Letting go of the guilt, letting go and realizing that I'm not a failure, that mistakes happen and I need to forgive myself. God forgives everything so that isn't really the issue here for me.
There's 2 approaches to letting go of guilt; condemnation and confession. I've been doing the condemnation thing for a long time. I've confessed mistakes and errors now.

The truth is, I haven't lost it all. It's not that I will never be happy again. I'm being protective now, but chances are I'll find my medium and get to a good par level.

Things I'm currently working on. 
Trying to create a structure for myself.
If I can create a strong foundation, I can start to build myself up, become stronger on all levels. Starting simple is key, just simply getting up early.... 6am? 7am? And going for bike ride, a swim, or dare I say... a run?!?! wth? Wait, I have running shoes?! weird.

Trying to find strength for myself.
A friend recently told me that the trick is to have your own inner strength to pull from, not to depend on someone else for strength. Of course, at the same time, if I need help, don't be so proud or prideful that I can't ask for it. Sometimes weakness happens, and in those cases it's OKAY to ask for help and need help, it doesn't make you a weak person. BUT, what DOES make you a weak person is not having your own inner strength to motivation to get something done. Saying is most definitely different from Doing.

I'm doing my best to accept what I can not change, which is the past. I've accepted those faults that were mine, and that weren't. But accepting those things is only the beginning. Accepting is only half of it. Needing to be preventative for future problems, being aware of my faults and fixing them. Really doing my best to be the best person I can be, on a mental level, physical level, emotional and spiritual level. As impatient as I am, I know it'll take time, but I'm very confident that I can be at a great place by the end of the year. My brain is in overdrive, mind of matter. I got this.

And where I wanted to have that quick fix, or that moment to breath and feel something, I think it's better to figure out my stuff on my own, so I can look back and feel better about myself that I did it. That I've accomplished it and pushed past the hardest time in my life.

I got this.

Feetnote:
I got running shoes... but how do I start running?

Taking a Chance...

So, in keeping with the title of my blog, "Personal Chaos", I'm going to be very open about some very personal information. As I don't quite feel anyone actually reads this anyways, and the people close to me who want to know what's going on already know, I'll just talk about it here. What the hell right?

Well, my non-existent readers, turns out I have a problem with depression, or emotional instability. How did I come to this conclusion? Well, after making a half-semi-poor judgement call and breaking up with someone I love, I then continued to spiral out of control to a dark place that I was once at before. No, no, not a dark room, or a cave. I'm talking about a taboo word for people with depression... ya know... suicide? Ya, that place. I was there. I looked it right in the bottle. No dice. Instead I did what every depressed lunatic wouldn't do, reach out for help. After 3 months of extreme analyzing, I've come to many conclusions. 1) I've been like this since I was a kid. 2) I've completely separated my intellect from my feelings, so I have no communication between the two. 3) I've always put on the face of a happy guy because that's what people expect to see from me.

Those are just a few examples. I was on watch by some friends, and family. There's lots of love surrounding me, and lots of prayer. I've been seeing a therapist now for a couple weeks. It's been very interesting and eye opening. I'm learning so much each week and my brain is killing me. I mean seriously, it's killing me. I have to re-wire 31 years of habits and thoughts. That's like... well, like a lot of things that involve wires, or knots... or both. My sporadic mood swings (from very sad to a random par level) usually happen at night, or briefly when I first wake up. I've done real well to keep most of my feelings and such from outside sources and won't let anyone see them. I've always bottled up my emotions and set it aside to be dealt with later. Unfortunately that's one of the major problems; procrastination. I've been doing it since I was a kid, and now I'm still doing it. Not only did I do it with projects, but with my own emotions. I've been thinking in every direction now and I'm not even getting warmed up. It's mind boggling how bad my situation really is. I also discovered my lack of communication in a relationship in regards to my feelings is all due to the same procrastination feeling. Today I learned that I belittle my "alleged" achievements and tear myself down, as well not understanding why someone would be proud of me. It's a mess in the attic. Nice cage, crazy birdy. So ya, how's all that information for ya? That's been my last few months, and it's been hell, how has yours been? And this whole time, even though family and friends are there, I've still felt alone. Prayer only works so much. I've tried more distractions and attempts at reaching out to others, even as far as my lost love. But alas, my attempts have failed, and apparently I will be forced to go it alone. Into the darkness I go, to fight and hopefully slay these demons. I just wish I could be home before dawn, but I fear this may take WAY longer that I'm expecting. I'm sure there's a ton of other stuff to say, but this might still be a bit too much to comprehend all at once. Just know that I'm still breathing, and that the regular blogs will continue... or the kinda regular blogs will... that is if you read this crap.

PS. Keep in mind that I have been getting my exercise, my sunlight, and eating correctly to try and stop the poison from eating me whole. So far... not much of an improvement.

Interesting tid bit...

I'm a pretty fart smella, I mean smart fella. I re-read some of old posts, mainly 2008, and it made me happy. Sure it was some information that wasn't the greatest; ie a bad a relationship, grandpa dying, house fire, ect. But what made me happy was that what I learned, I kept. I didn't discard it. I always thought I'd learn things and then slowly go back to my old ways, but I've actually made a difference in my life based on my past experiences. How human like of me! That made me feel good. I also think I'll be blogging more, writing down more of my thoughts on subjects and such. I feel its a good way to keep track of what I do and did and helps me to remember where I've been and where I'm going.

Today I met with a life coach. Ya, a life coach. I truly never thought I'd ever actually need one. And it's not that I do. I just need someone to kick my butt, direct me, keep me on track... keep my accountable. That's the most difficult thing for me. I most likely have A.D.D. because I'm so easily distracted and bored with things. It's really amazing that I've had long term relationships actually considering how easily bored I get. So with that said, I've got ideas about goals and no way to process it, to figure it out, to get onto the tracks and start moving. But this guy... this guy... he's put the right ideas in my noggin to get me moving. It's a start.

I've been, obviously, feeling pretty down the last few weeks, and yesterday was a total off day for me. A breakup can be pretty brutal. Takes a lot out of you. And when you had that to the lack of a job, the lack of anything coming down the works that looks like a solid job, and add no direction onto that, depression and lack of confidence can take a good choke hold on you. Well, yesterday was a culmination of that nonsense. It happens, everyone deals with it. I wrote a post back in 2008 about walls. How everyone has them. I still believe that. I also wrote how I was going to have walls. And I did, then in 2009 I wrote about getting rid of those walls. I think there's a fine line, a balance, for those walls. Make them too high, nobody gets through and you are completely blocked from ever feeling what love is and how a strong connection to someone, and in the process you could push someone away. Walls too low, you leave yourself open for attack by forces that can really do some nasty harm to you both emotionally and physically. It's a balance, see? I guess if I had a draw bridge for the big walls, or a gate for the small fence, life wouldn't be too bad. You pick and choose who can get inside the walls. I think that's what I'm doing now. I might have made the decision to break-up, and although it wasn't my finest moment ever, it still hurt. Due to that hurt I felt my walls shoot up real quick. It was if there was some secret installation underground, and when the button was hit, BAM! They shot up. I've installed a draw bridge this time though. I think that's the safest way to play any kind of "Game". But also, this is a formal note, that I've pulled out of whatever "the game" is. Dating and the like are just too much work and too distracting. More friends? Sure. More people and connections? Bring it on. Romantic relationships? Forget it. Ya ya ya, blah blah blah, the right one is out there, ect ect ect. On a purely logical explanation and without getting to statistical about it, I'll just say that based off of my track record, and my absurdly wild romantic notions, it ain't happening. Plenty of people will argue with me, and sure, maybe, MAYBE I'll be proven wrong someday. But let's not hold our breath, huh? I've experienced all I want to experience with relationships for the time being, and will focus on me now. Which, I know is selfish, and also ironic since I'm trying to be less selfish. But we (me, friends and family) all agree it's about time. It's something that is long over due.

I highly recommend the next blog.... which will be about goals. It's gonna be a good one.

Oh, and how do you like the new setup? The background and layout I think are perfect. I'm very happy with my artwork, it's got a weird feeling to it and I'm curious to know what people think.

-me

Not really the happiest post...

So, I originally had something else written here, but my personal walls got in the way of sharing too much with an outside internet world. So I've decided to re-write something in a more calm fashion.

Sometimes we make choices that we weren't 100% sure at the time. I tend to live my best by no regrets. Sure I've made a TON of mistakes and been lazy A LOT, but I've learned from it and grown from it. It hurts initially, but it's over quickly and you realize it was for the best. No doubts. But lately choices I've made tend to come back and haunt me and I have to continuously remind myself why I made that choice, what my ultimate goal was, what my hope was and why... why why why I did it in the first place. Am I learning? Am I growing? On top of these questions is the constant struggle for survival, for happiness in a spiraling downward motion. It's stupid really how difficult it is for me to keep this stupid grin on the whole time. Hey there's some information that most people don't know. I've always fought against the sadness. It burns my brain sometimes, but I refuse to use any kind of drug or so called "vitamin". I push it to the side, to the back, out of the way. Keep the high energy, keep the smiles, keep the laughter. I thought I heard once that the most depressing people are comedians. The heartache the pain the torture.

I find it interesting that some of the choices we make can change your life and others' lives. I don't regret what I did. But it still pains me. Logically it would make sense that if I made the choice I wouldn't feel the pain. Of course that's not the case. Many times people make choices that still hurt, for years sometimes. I am very attached and have difficulty sometimes just letting it go. It doesn't take much for me to fall back into an old pattern and climbing back out of that hole is very very draining. I thrive on positive energy and do my best to surround myself with positive people. But in a situation where my very own personal world seems to crumble around me, all I can do is hope and pray. Seriously, what else is there to do? Of course of course, I do my best to push past it, make things right and fix problems that have risen and make the best of my situation. That's an instinctual behavior passed down through the ages. The struggle of humanity I suppose. You make due with what you have and hope for the best while still trying to make the best of what you got. With the instincts work, and all that aside, I say the best you can do is pray and hope. If you ain't got hope, you won't push forward. You only push forward because you THINK and HOPE things will get better. If I can just get here, I know things will get better. If I can just do this, I hope that will happen. But here's the thing, hope, thinking.... different than knowing. I suppose I just have to KNOW it'll get better. I hope I know someday that it will absolutely get better.

Doesn't change how I feel now unfortunately.

poop.

Me

There's been a lot of changes since the last entry. I didn't read the last entry recently, but I'm sure it's been a long time. I've been doing a lot of soul searching and directional searching for myself lately. I feel that I'm finally starting to get a better grasp on what's going on with me and how I operate. I already know that I'm a selfish guy. That I come across very selfish to some people and that I sometimes do things for just me. If I don't want to do something, I won't do it. Well, I've been working on that. Part of my inner exploration led me to the theory of why I am selfish. It's only a theory mind you and not a proven one at that. I do believe being selfish IS in our nature as we always have to look out for number 1 as a survival instinct. But in this case I'll be talking a little beside that point.

For starters I have a great family and awesome friends (some of which are the exact same). I have family that is behind me on whatever I choose to do and can be right there with me during the hard times. Same goes for friends. And where as I have friends and family in my corner rooting for me and pushing me, I have nobody in my corner kicking me in the butt. I just don't. I know what has to be done, but it's a matter of lack of motivation. If I was working, different story, I work, I work till it's done. End of story. But in an everyday setting of striving to a goal, nobody is there to kick my lazy butt. Simple things like eating, sleeping, cleaning (laundry, room, bathroom, ect) those don't count. Those are things that HAVE to be done. My problem is I haven't quite realized a few things.

A) where I'm going. A direction. A forward movement to get me from point A to point B. There's no point B though, so where am I going?

B) with no direction, there's no movement, with no movement there's no motivation. wait... no goal, no motivation, no direction, no movement. That's better.

How is this leading to me being selfish? How is this just not me explaining how lazy I am? Well, since there is nobody there to nag, push, prod and kick me where I need/have/want to go, I have to do it myself. Why do I do it? What is my motivation? Me. I have to do it for me. Nobody else will step up to seriously just kick me. Relationships, all of them (romantic or not) it appears people are too scared of being a nag in my eyes, or hurting me somehow, or hoping that I figure it out. Well, I figured it out, and I figured out that I have to do this for me. I have to get to that goal for me.

Since this blog is all honesty, let me continue with the tradition and say I'm not the best I can be. I'm not the nicest guy in the world and I haven't been greatest friend I could be to some people. I have been stubborn, selfish and mean. I'm well aware of my sharp tongue and how quick I am to use it on someone who I think is an idiot. Which really isn't a very nice thing. I mean I still feel that idiots should be told that they are idiots, but maybe in a nicer way as to make them feel that they shouldn't be an idiot anymore and to read a book with words and not picture books anymore.

So... here I am, 31 years old last January. Alone to my own devices with about 10 dollars in my checking account. A direction? To be better than I have been. To see my own worth and potential and live up to it. To really try and kick my own butt to be the person I'm supposed to be. I really can do anything, and it's about time I actually try and live up to it. I've hurt a lot of people and neglected a bunch of others. So I'm sorry for doing that. Even though it's selfish thinking, I'm hoping that somewhere along the way I can discard that and have a better reason for doing what I do.