New Insight on the Horizons

I swear, sometimes my ADD gets the better of me and I never seem to finish writing a thought. The other problem I have is when I'm driving home late at night, and all the thoughts that I would normally write down, I end up processing on a long drive home, so I never end up writing the thoughts down. Annoying, I know.

But here I am, finally, trying to push the other distractions out of the way to make room for a new blog entry. I'm way past due, I know. Here's the subject matter in case you want to skip to the end for some random life update: I saw the movie "Crazy, Stupid, Love".

So, in the past, I've written some what, possibly, maybe, kinda, jaded views on "true love" and all of that crap. Well, it's not really crap, I take that back. But you get what I mean. First off, this movie, well... more like the special features of the movie, interviews and commentary and such with the actors, inspire me to go for the acting roles I want. It makes me excited. I get all jacked up after watching actors be normal people and go back into performing; because I KNOW I can do that. Of course, the flipside of that is the incredible amount of hard work and time and patience and such that go into it that become a discouragement. But regardless of the outcome, I'll at least know that I made a valiant effort towards a direction that I feel strongly about.

Secondly, I've got the body frame, that if I carbo-loaded and worked out like a madman, I could be totally ripped like good-lookin'-what's-his-face, Ryan Gosling. I already got the body tone... I'm just saying, it's good to know there's a version of me out there so I could see what I might look like. What? Don't look at me like that. Bah, you know I'm right.

Thirdly, this love thing. To do a quick summary of the movie title alone, I think it sums up the movie. First third is "Crazy". Then it gets pretty stupid. And it ends with a nice little box of "love". It's interesting. The first part of the movie you watch, and slightly learn, how to pick up on women at a bar. Which has always been fascinating to me. To be honest, I've never hit on a woman at a bar; not intentionally at least. I'm the type of person who feeds off of the energy of others. A good, high level of positivity can get keep my batteries running for awhile. Plus, certain places are fantastic for people watching and studying human behavior. I feel that the more I witness and watch and study, the more understanding I'll end up being towards others. It's a little odd to me, now that I think about it. I typically learn best by doing, but in this situation (being at a bar), I learn better by watching.
So why go to a bar if I'm not going to hit on women? Like I said, I'm there for the atmosphere, the energy, and sometimes you don't know who'll you meet. I've met some interesting people, randomly of course, but still enjoyable.

I really feel like there's a lot more I want to say, but I'm not quite sure I have the words corrected yet. Case in point, that sentence makes more sense in my head.

Lastly, life is grand. I've gotten a bit bored, since I'm not swing dancing anymore. I've been taking some great acting classes. I've been running and exercising regularly. Since I was gone a lot during the week/months, last year, I've taken more time to be at home and enjoy my place and home theater. Movies aren't the same anywhere else now.

That's all I got for now.

My Stability Year of 2012

Ah, 2012, what can I say? Every year, on this date, I like to look back at what the year brought me, what it taught me, and where I've been. 2011 was a year of growth; incredible mental, emotional, and spiritual growth. This year, has been a year of stability.

But I believe that you don't accomplish a full year without growing and learning about yourself. Sure, you can't turn back time, and you can't stop the clock at midnight to learn something, but it's for that exact reason I sit here tonight and write this final blog entry.

I find this ironic. Well, maybe not ironic, as it's not really a definition of irony, but more of an unfortunate way of learning. You see, for the better part of a year, let's say 10 months, I've wanted nothing to do with relationships. Yes, I'm diving right into this conversation, so buckle-up. I was turned off completely by the idea of relationships, so much so, that I tried to make it apparent in my outside behavior and mannerisms. The concept of having a relationship astounded me. Why would anyone willing put themselves in a situation that left them completely vulnerable. It sounded WAY too dangerous to me. But of course, based on my past, that would make sense to me.

I'm going to deviate from this for a minute and bring up something that I will attempt to use as an example.
I'm not typically one to watch new TV shows. I'm a little picky about what I watch, and I have to be intrigued enough to jump into a new a series. With many friends and family talking about it, I've jumped onto the "How I Met Your Mother" band wagon. I'll refer to it from now on as HIMYM.
For those who haven't ever watched this show, let me explain a couple of the characters and my take on them as individuals.
First there's the Marshal; an all around good guy. He's that goofy, lovable guy. He's just the right amount of super nice and sweet, with a splash of backbone and sticking up for what he believes in. He stays with the woman he first falls in love with and knows exactly how to provide for her. He represents how a real, easy, loving relationship should be; marrying his best friend. (sorry for the spoiler, but it's super predictable in the show).
Secondly, there's Barney; a selfish, prideful, vanity stricken, womanizer, who believes in one night stands and money. He's always wearing a suit and believes in having epic, sorry, LEGENDARY nights with drinking, women, his "wingman" and the occasional bout of Laser Tag. He constantly speaks his mind, and isn't afraid to prove his point, even if it requires him to be the a-hole of the group and "win". He's typically a pretty big douche, but in the end, he still cares about his friends and their well being.
Thirdly, there's Ted. Ted is an interesting fellow. A combination of both of these characters, Ted has the super nice guy thing down pat, but his over analyzing brain, and his obsession with romance and romantic moments and gestures is pretty extreme. (Analyzing and Romantic? Sound familiar?). He's overly picky about who he wants to marry, he has his life planned out to a "T", and has difficulty letting go of, well... almost anything.


Now, the reason I've explained this, is because I found that the last month has been a plethora of new information and changes in myself. Like I said, I didn't want a relationship. I was of course open to having fun and enjoying time with someone, but I didn't want the drag down of a relationship. As the year progressed, so did the concept. It changed from not wanting to do anything, to maybe going out once or twice. It changed again from going out once or twice, to maybe hanging out more often with someone of the opposite sex. It changed AGAIN to being open to the idea of someone coming around and actually asking me on a date.
The progression of this has been an odd sort of symbolism. I use the word "odd" on purpose, but I find it exactly that. Various conversations with people have triggered different thoughts in my head. Watching couples, watching singles, being single, people watching in general, the RIDICULOUS amount of engagements (seriously, 5 in one week? 3 on one day? Comeon people!!!), the INCREDIBLE amount of baby pictures; all of which put various thoughts in my head. It got my thinking. and for awhile, I was opposed to all of it, but slowly but surely a little seed began to grow. It started with a brand new home theater. Yes, I'm bragging about it again because I couldn't be more proud of myself for finally accomplishing a dream I've had since I was a kid. But really, it made me more aware of something.
My own place is amazing. My couch is super comfortable (I'm sleeping here tonight). And my home theater is a total dream. But it's not as awesome as it could be. This is where HIMYM comes in.
As horrible as it may sound, I thought I would want to be Barney. He's clever, witty, and the suits... good lord, THE SUITS! Seriously, if I could wear a suit everyday, I so totally would in a heart beat. I do love a good suit. The High Fives he's always asking for? I do that. The "Legend - wait for it - ary" that he always says, well, I always say Epic. There are a small similarities between us in that regards. The honesty and straight forwardness of his personality, I hope, would be me as well. The concept of never having a relationship, well, that was something I pretended and strongly tried to believe in.
Being Marshal? That waved bye bye a long time ago. I, unfortunately, identify with Ted. I don't like Ted that much for exact reason he's much like me. Over analyzing, overly romantic, and way too picky. He brings my major traits to the surface and makes me see them for how ridiculous they might be. But as ridiculous and crazy as it is, I still won't change that.

I know I'm all over the place here, but please try and stay with me. I got the home theater and realized, that I can invite friends or family over now and we can all watch a movie and such. But after a few weeks, it occurred to me, they can't be here all the time, they can't fill that weird empty void of watching a movie on my couch with me. If they did, it would be super creepy and weird, and kinda gross. I believe you know what I'm talking about.
So let's fast forward to my trip to New York for Christmas. Which was INCREDIBLE! I love being able to see my whole family. I love my sister and brother-in-law. And like I've said before, they are an inspiration to me. They are friends, best-friends, and lovers, and it completely shows in everything they do. Individuals that share life together. A wondrous fairy tale relationship. Two things that I realized on my trip; I love what they have and I can't be around people for longer than a few days. I definitely need some quiet down time to myself occasionally and, personally, I don't find that wrong.
Wanting what they had was a weird experience. It was envy or jealousy, it was just a romantic hope for myself.
So, here we are, right now. I'm sick. Not just sick mind you, but I feel the worst I've ever felt in a very very long time. Let me make the list for you, yes? Good. Numbness of toes and fingers, intense headaches that feel like my eyes will explode out of my head at any minute, night sweats, total shivering during the day, labored breathing, uncontrollable bouts of hacking, running nose, back pains, joint pains, scratchy throat, dizziness, and that's just a good day.
I'm a total baby when it comes to being sick. I'm not good at it, not that anyone is, but most people still know how to function  as a human being. So being home, by myself, with no one to take care of me, and barely able to move out of bed, well, it kinda makes you yearn for someone to be there to help you, ya' know? I know, I know, it may sound pathetic, but screw you, I don't like being sick and I wanna be spoiled dang it!

I've listed a lot of things here, being sick, being alone, going to NY, getting a home theater, watching HIMYM. Like I said, this year has been about stability. I got my own place, I have a great job, I've got friends and family, and experienced a whole new side of being single and alone that I never thought I'd have before. I'm truly blessed, and if you believe in him or not, I thank God for all of it. I could have been dead, I could have had a no family, or friends, and I could have been living on the streets right now. My ideals of not having a relationship, I feel, have been proven to be absurd. I still like the concept, no doubt about it, but being sick, watching episodes of HIMYM in marathon form, and witnessing parts of my life flash before my eyes, well, being alone on NYE isn't very romantic. Being sick on NYE isn't any better. But if anything, it's made me realize that the "for sickness and in health" part of a relationship, is pretty damn important. Because when you are alone, there really isn't anyone to do anything for you. You have to do it yourself, and sometimes doing things yourself, on your own, solo, single, etc etc, well.... that kinda sucks.


Lastly, I'd like to end with this. 2012, you were a gift. A wonderful, magnificent gift. You allowed me to finally become comfortable and stable in who I am, and what I do. Finally gaining my own individuality in my own place (and bachelor life) has given me new hope for an incredible future. I've made a lot of great friends, and lost a few as well I'm sure. Next year is a year of change. I have big hopes for you 2013. It's gonna be a crazy awesome year. Now, if I could just kick this stupid cough that would be great.
Thanks to everyone who inspired me and helped me out this year. Those of you who listened to me drone on about possible bad choices, complain about mistakes made, or just give me a hug when I didn't even know I needed one. Thanks for all your patience with me, as I know I have an incredible habit of just disappearing. Please note, that probably won't change, so I apologize in advance. I just appreciate all of you, and I hope you're all safe tonight, and ready for a year that will be epic. 

The writings in my head

I've found that most of my blog entries should be recorded while I'm driving somewhere, because that's when I talk to myself... out loud. Oh come on, don't look at me like that! You do it too!! Everyone does it. Okay, maybe not full conversations, but it's my way of processing, so shut up!
I'm just saying, if I had a tape recorder going that auto-dictated my every word while I spoke, I'd have an interesting blog entry. Unfortunately, most of those "in car convos" are soon forgotten after I leave the car. I have had some great thoughts during those excursions.

********************************* (subject change, that's why I made this line)

I think that at a certain point it becomes pointless to go back and re-read what I wrote, because most likely I wouldn't write anymore. I have a horrible habit of repeating myself, and I'd rather live in the "ig-nant bliss" space and not think about it. Even though, I'm sure I've already stated the following.

This time of year really eats me alive. Not the shopping, not the people, but the atmosphere is what does it. The nice crisp chill in the air. The smell of happiness and romance (yes, that has a smell). There's an odd sense of wonder that happens to cross my face, as I people watch. People watching at a bar is one thing. Those people are only there for one thing, typically. But people watching at night out front of a movie theater. You notice things. Like the couple who were in a warm hug embrace going up the escalator. After smiling at each other, they leaned in for a simple loving kiss. I had never actually witnessed it before, but a simple kiss turned into a way more passionate kiss. It was, inspiring, and for lack of a better term, romantic. I actually felt like the escalator slowed down to give them more time. Couples holding hands, arm in arm, arm around shoulder; all examples of people in relationships, and the varying degrees of their seriousness.

I attribute the weather to this atmospheric condition. The colder it gets, the more people want to be with another person. Obviously. It's friggin' cold! I live in a mobile home. Don't get me wrong, I love it. But the truth is, these tin cans add another 10 degrees to the weather if it's hot, or another -10 if it's cold. I typically run pretty hot. I've been called a furnace by my ex. But even in this weather, I'm gettin' chilly.

***********************************(this will all tie in together, trust me)

So I got my home theater setup. It's amazing. 55 inch TV, surround sound, the whole thing. Just incredible. I almost cried when I got it all setup. It really was a dream since I was a kid to have my own high end system. I always thought it would just be so awesome to play video games with my friends on a big screen, watch movies with family and friends and just enjoy the TV to it's full extent.
Then, after sitting down and watching a movie, I realized something. This was not what I had expected. (here's where I tie it together people)

I'm alone. Granted, it's by choice of course. But to be honest, I haven't been in a relationship in almost 2 years now. I believe that's a decent amount of time to figure myself out, sure. I've dated, sortaspeak, but nothing really panned out. Mostly due in part to my own dis-interest in the subject, and my want for just some friendly company without any expectations. Now though, well... now the whole thing is upside down.

Here I am, sitting, looking at everything I've gained and worked for and been completely and utterly blessed with, and who can I share it with? Sure, sure, I have friends. But really, most of them are busy leading their lives with their respective families, and loved ones. I know they'll always be there for me, and that's not the point I'm trying to make. My point is, that this road I'm on, well, it's not as enjoyable as I had once imagined it would be.
I really do love my alone time, and God knows I have plenty of it. But what good is going on an adventure if you can't share it with someone close to you? Ya know? Sure, I'm looking forward to my trip to Holland next year. I'm looking forward to a lot of things I'll be doing on my own. But that doesn't change the fact that it would be nice to enjoy the company of a love interest.

Again, I'm going to contribute this state of mind to the aforementioned weather.... kind of.

Givethanksing: Best Holiday

So, my favorite holiday ever is Thanksgiving. My least favorite would have to be Christmas. Don't misinterpret that in thinking that I don't like the "meaning" of Christmas. I do. But corporate America has ruined that holiday. This year they even tried to ruin mine. But instead, made it better. Thanks Corporate America!

I have had some bad Thanksgivings in the past; various relationships preventing me being able to truly enjoy that day with my family. If there's one thing in this world I've learned over the last couple of years, it's that I need my family. Before I go into that tangent, I should explain why this holiday is my favorite.

It's the one day of the whole year designated to be THANKFUL for what we have; food, bed, family and friends. The corporations typically only advertise for Christmas, and the few commercials out there for Thanksgiving is to buy food and celebrate with your family, albeit friends or blood related. I love it. Sure, I can see my family most any day of the year if I wanted to. And I'm constantly always thankful for everything I've learned, gained and even lost. But it's a day I can actually use to reflect back on the lessons I've had to learn. The chaotic life obstacles that I had to figure out how to hurdle, climb, struggle, and grow through. It's a time that I can really appreciate where I came from, how I got here, and who was there for me along the way. I've got some amazing friends who have always been by my side despite my crazy, overly thinking, and sometimes outrageous thought processing. My family who loves me regardless of the horrible life choices I make, and will support me and help me stand back up after I completely fail and fall flat on my face.
I will never forget the family of friends I have that kept their hands out to me and welcomed me into their life, teaching me indirectly through their love for their spouse, for their hobbies, or just for me. For people who don't believe in God, that's fine. But when I look at the people I have in my life, and the situations I have incurred here on this planet; whereas it may not have been as bad for me compared to some; I can only, logically, come to the rightful conclusion that I am blessed. Whatever you want to believe, God, the universe, etc, I know I have been blessed.
I can't completely get behind the idea that "positive people" gravitate to other "positive people" because when we are down and out, people will still show up and help. Gives me hope for humanity in this crazy selfish greedy world.

Now when I say I need my family, I mean it. I've grown to the idea that I don't need anyone, that I only need myself and to be able to rely on just my own abilities. But unfortunately that can only go so far. It's true, I should be able to rely on my own instincts and skills to survive this world. I need to remain an individual and be able to be self-reliant. But when I trip, when I stumble, when I get clumsy and start to slip, it's nice to know that that invisible safety net is there for me; my family. Seeing them this weekend and hanging out with them, spending time with them, laughing, eating, drinking; it's just a gift. I didn't realize how much I feed off of the energy of others, because this has just been a really nice recharge for me. Dinner, games, shopping, movies, laughing, and being lazy with some of the greatest people I know. Just awesome.

Not really sure what else to say but Thank you. Thank you to every person who knows me personally.
Thank you to those who take the time to listen to me. Thank you to those who randomly smile and wave.
Thank you to those friends who laugh at my stupid jokes when they really aren't that funny. Thanks for listening to my stories that I'm sure I've already told you before, yet you listen anyways like it's the first time you heard it. Thanks for dancing with me, even though I may step on your feet, pull your arm too hard, go off beat, and occasionally bump you into someone else on the dance floor. Thank you the hugs. Seriously, thank you for the hugs. I don't care who you are, sometimes you just need a hug and to be told "Hey, you're pretty awesome" (self-confidence only goes so far people). Thanks for the high fives. Thanks for dealing with my crap, hearing me whine, and having a drink with me. Thanks for watching me make mistakes, but not disowning me, completely. Thanks for being a mistake, hahaha. Thanks for helping me learn. Thanks for being an example of love. Thanks for being an example of what not to be; stupid.

But really, thanks for the hugs.

Oh, and thanks for reading.

-Mr. J

The bump on my forehead

My horrible habit of reading my blog entries AFTER I've posted them, is biting me in the butt. I'm just putting that out there at the beginning of this entry in hopes that I remember to re-read this again before posting it.

I have a few flaws in my character that I feel need to be addressed. I think my stubbornness is a little ridiculous. Okay... very ridiculous. I tend to make an opinion about something, and will refuse to budge from it, which isn't very healthy. Which brings me to the next flaw, I don't like being wrong. I don't mind admitting when I'm wrong. Heck, I've made a lot of mistakes in life (as most people do), and I've learned and grew from those mistakes. What I'm talking about is when I tend to get overly specific on an opinion that I will constantly claim a certain belief with, and then when I realize it's not a great plan, I'll be too stubborn to back down from the first opinion because I made such a stink about it to begin with.
That sentence was such a generalized nondescript piece of nonsense. Even now, my stubbornness holds me back from admitting that I may have made a mistake in my personal views.

Sigh.

So far the theme for me the last few weeks have been relationships. I've been watching and observing people on every level. Seriously, I've seen two people just start off courting each other, the next stage of dating, the stage after that for a relationship, then the long term relationship, then the love, then the engagement, then the marriage, the living together, etc etc. I feel like I've seen everything. So, knowing that I've been a strong advocate for being single, forever, what happens today? Allow me to paint this picture for you, I wake up at 9:30am, after a long night out with some friends. The place is empty. Just me. Quiet and peaceful. I had no plans. Nothing. I was free to be as lazy and boring as I wanted.. Now, I'm not sure where this feeling or, dare I say, yearning, came from, but (and I absolutely hate to admit to this) I really just wanted to watch a movie on my couch and, ugg, cuddle with someone. Not just someone, but a female of romantic interest.
First off, words I don't like saying: cuddle and cute. Don't get me wrong, I love both, but I hate using those words. *shrug* I'm not sure why, so don't bother asking. The point here is that the thought of having someone who was with me for a relationship, to just sit and watch a movie with, and make dinner for, well, it wasn't a fleeting thought. Those thoughts normally just sweep through my brain for a half second, then something happens to reminds me. But nothing did! That's annoying is what it is. I'd been such an advocate for this single life, that now, all of a sudden, the idea of having someone on my arm is a... good... idea????

I still love being by myself, on my own, and left to my own devices. I do what I want when I want. But there are moments where I'd like to have someone over and just relax with them. And, not just a random person, but someone I'd be genuinely interested in having around more.

I have no idea where this concept or idea came from, but it worries me a bit. Seems like a potentially dangerous road to travel. But like I've stated before, it's a catch 22. If I want a relationship, I have to open myself up to the chance to be hurt. If I protect myself from being hurt, I open myself to being alone. It's really a choice of what's more important, and what's worth the risk.

*light bulb*
I know what triggered all of this (besides the giant knot on my forehead from last night). I've had some great experiences lately with some amazing friends and people. And experiencing a small glimpse of the perks of a relationship have inspired this ridiculous notion in my head. Talking with some people and learning what makes them tick, and how they feel about relationships and all of that, well, that got into my head too. So I can see the potential perks of a relationship now. I suppose it's just a matter of who I take that risk for.

I've finally, FINALLY, gained the ability to see the notorious 'Red Flags' while talking with someone. Which is a glorious ability. In fact, I fear I may have some of my own red flags that I need to figure out how to remove, but still, I'm in a great place right now. I've never been a serial dater, and I'm definitely not a slut, so where does that put me? If I was to travel down this road to attempt to date, how do I even begin that? All of this still seems weird to me.

I must have hit my head really hard last night to think about this stuff so much. I wonder if I made any sense at all here. I'm retarded. I'll admit to that. 

Pooping on Memories

(snicker) Poop (snicker). That's my favorite word. I know it's immature and completely childish. But YOU try saying the word poop and not smiling a little bit. Such a funny stupid little word, but I love it. 

Now I usually, typically, try my hardest to not post anything too extremely personal. I do fairly well to avoid names, and such while writing. I feel it's the best I can do out of respect for those who would like to remain anonymous; which I get, because I too would like the anonymity. 

Recently my life has taken some random roller-coaster, and been very exciting, headed straight up, and then suddenly dropped with a big loop and twist right in the center. Normally this kind of thing would cause me to hurl all over the place and possibly crap myself, but alas, it did not. I feel definitely stronger than I did in the past, with a much clearer head on my shoulders. 

I know quite a few friends read this, and I'll spare the gory details. But one thing has become apparent; some friends are no longer friends, and some memories aren't quite remembered as clearly as they once were. You never realize how possible it is for someone to poop all over your memories. Those are supposed to be some sacred things, untouchable even. But as I've realized, it can happen. Details are not required here, but things that I thought I had held on to dearly, were really not the way I had remembered it. 

It's bittersweet really. I've learned a lot from my past relationships. All of them. And sure, they all had their issues. Every woman I've had a relationship with, all 5 if you can believe that, have changed me in positive ways. Most of them have apologized. A few of them still hold me as one of the more amazing men to have appeared in their lives. All quite flattering. One thing I've noticed is that they are all bittersweet. And, after each one, the breakup and moving on has become more difficult. Pain happens, it's a passage of life. Without pain, we wouldn't value the pleasures of life as much. I've found that I really pour myself full into each relationship, the last one being no different.

This all seems like it ended recently. But the funny thing about relationships, is that they always stick with you. They're always there. I've had many things lately trigger memories. The scratch of my palm while holding hands, the smell of perfume, the arms around my waist, the places I've been, the deja vu I've experienced; all of these have triggered multiple memories. Great memories. 

Then of course there's those moments that remind you of the hurt. It really only takes one, as all of the hurtful moments flood to the forefront for me, like an avalanche of film clips. Mainly just the pain of the breakup, or the pain of the healing process. I suppose I might be a sensitive guy, but it's these moments I have to realize where I came from, who I am today, and how strong I've become. 

It's not a matter of ignoring these, but of realizing that I'm better for it. It's still difficult when a wound is still very fresh. Or better yet, when you think it's already healed and you're just waiting for that pink skin after the scab is gone, to finally heal over, only to realize, that it's still a raw sore and bumping it on the wall or what-have-you, only causes you to flinch and remember how it happened. 

I find it sad that my go to answer for these moments of sadness and hurt, is to turn into a turtle. To hide in my shell and become the hermit I've always dreamed of becoming. Unfortunately, the ear full I'd hear from all the females in my life (mom, sisters, friends), would only drive me mad. My stubbornness doesn't outweigh my annoyance. But there are a few things I've found that I feel properly depict my current thought process.

Cue the picture to the right. I love this comic strip, and if you ever get a chance, read sinfest.net. It's an incredible comic that deals with a ton of topics. The main character here is Slick. Aside from the sun glasses, I feel very much in tune with his character. His act of hiding his heart in a safe, seems like the most just and honest way of protecting it, not to mention the most logical. 

Sure sure, everyone says that's dumb, and I should at least have the safe door open. But I've still yet to hear a valid reason as to why. I have friends and family, so what could I possibly be missing? I don't need anything else. Keep in mind I said need. Is it possible that this guy, as awesome and kind as I am, might honestly just want to be alone? Sure, I enjoy the company of a warm blooded beautiful woman by side, just like any straight guy. But do I need it? Nope. I can be open to meeting people. But being open to any kind of future? I feel very bad and sad towards which ever woman decides to hop through that land mine.

This video on my left, I feel properly depicts the future possibilities at this point for me. This all has to deal with matters of the heart. Handing the most valuable sense of self over to someone is a risky business. In this video, two people are breaking up. The guy hands over, litterally, his heart and says it's hers. My favorite part I've transcribed for your reading pleasure:

Female: "Well maybe I can just keep it for a little while, and use it for small things..."

Male: Unfortunately, it won't work that way.

Female: Why not?

Male: Well, now that you have my heart, I'm pretty much an empty cavity inside. For lack of a better term, "heartless". I will now treat each woman I meet with a passive aggressive contentiousness that will ruin relationship after relationship for many years to come.

I'd like to remind you that, this won't be on purpose. My distance from such words as "relationship" and "future" or any "definition" would come across as fear, and most reasonably so. 

I find that many of today's singles and individuals that used to be a "huge catch" and a "put together" person with a "good head on their shoulders", not to mention the "emotionally mature and secure" have all been wrecked and beaten into possibly a bitter, angry person, who has embraced fear and the lack of hope. 

That last paragraph, and probably the few before it, added a very big glass of bitterness party of 1 to the table. Not my intention. I'm merely pointing out the huge potential for such dramatic increases due to the emptiness and hollowness of a person. 

I will still stand by my previous arguments that I am not looking for a relationship, but I am willing to get to know you. I will not pursue you, as I've done that before and it does not work in my favor. Getting to know me will be difficult and exhausting, not because I don't want anyone close, but because I need to be protective. I'm well aware of my flaws, and my personal issues. Fortunately, my trust hasn't become jeopardized, which is odd, since I've been lied to more times than I'd like to count in multiple facets of my life. I do have a bitterness to me though, which I believe is justifiable once my stories are brought to the surface. 

I feel that in the past I've felt anger and frustration. Now I only feel sadness and compassion. Sure, I was the one hurt, and hurt badly if you knew the real story behind it all. That's most definitely not saying the other person was hurting. I am, in no way, shape or form, saying that they weren't in a dramatic level of pain, after the breakup. But for which ever relationship I've experienced, it all finally accumulates to my own personal wisdom: compassion. It's truly sad that this woman who got hurt, or is hurting, isn't aware of their actions, words, or choices, until well after the fact. I've seen it for almost every single relationship. I now wish I could only help more to bring to light the errors. I've had to learn a lot and grow in directions that my heart and brain really were resistant to. But the only way to grow stronger or faster is after pain. Pain is a horrible motivator in the greatest way possible. 

2:45 am. My insomnia is back. I would love to hear opinions and anything else anyone would love to share with me. I will say this, I'm glad it's all over. I finally have my answers. My choices are clear. I can be happy and rest assured that I now have new skills and a stronger sense of self. My confidence is higher, my health is greater. My strength is currently weak, but I know it'll come back in full soon. I'm skeptic of a lot of things, but my brain is always running, and sharp. My awareness has grown. My understanding of the human heart and condition, I feel, has been limitless. 

I'm just experiencing a flat tire (or three). I'll be back on the freeway after a pit-stop and a nap.

Soul Mating

I've heard this term a lot lately, soul mates. And it really got me thinking about it and what it means to me. So, where better to explain my thoughts and opinion than on a public forum for the world to see, right?

Dictionary.com's definition is this:

a person with whom one has a strong affinity, shared values and tastes, and often a romantic bond

 In the dialogue The Symposium, Aristrophanes explains that humans originally had 4 arms, 4 legs, and a single head made of two faces. Zeus feared their power and split them in half, condemning them to spend their lives searching for the other half to complete them.

And lastly, Urban Dictionary. Now, usually Urban Dictionary is pretty foul and rancid with some very weird definitions of stuff. This however says what I think most people would agree with:

A person with whom you have an immediate connection the moment you meet -- a connection so strong that you are drawn to them in a way you have never experienced before. As this connection develops over time, you experience a love so deep, strong and complex, that you begin to doubt that you have ever truly loved anyone prior. Your soulmate understands and connects with you in every way and on every level, which brings a sense of peace, calmness and happiness when you are around them. And when you are not around them, you are all that much more aware of the harshness of life, and how bonding with another person in this way is the most significant and satisfying thing you will experience in your lifetime. You are also all that much aware of the beauty in life, because you have been given a great gift and will always be thankful.

I on the other hand, don't buy into it. It all seems a bit too sappy, even for me. The Disney-esque fairy tail is a total fantasy theory. I'm gonna stop here a second. I want to explain, before I continue on, that this entry might come across jaded or bitter. That is NOT my intention at all. I'm not bitter about love, or jaded by anyone. I've felt love, and experienced it. So again, I'm not trying or aiming at being jaded or bitter in any of this. It's just my thought process on the matter.

I believe that "soul mates" can happen with almost anyone. What I believe is really happening is the excitement of dating someone you genuinely find interest in on a mental and physical level. As you get to know them, you start growing butterflies in your stomach. Gross, right? The excitement, and anxiousness of hearing from them, seeing them, talking to them, completely engrosses you're whole being. AND, if you're lucky, they are feeling the same way. THAT is what I think most people perceive as meeting your soul mate. It's called the honeymoon stage of dating, I think. The real fun begins when that's over and your head comes back out of the clouds. The effort and work two people put into a relationship is what's important.
Soul Mates don't just click and never have a problem.  That would be unbelievable.

Dang it. I just argued myself out of a belief that I had. It's almost like the facts are stronger in the favor of soul mates existing than not.

When I write, I'm thinking about 4 sentences ahead of what I'm actually typing. Which can be very frustrating because my fingers can only record the brain activity so quickly. What I had done, without actually writing it, was inadvertently change the belief I had in my head.  There are strong examples in my life of specific couples who met, and just immediately clicked. Sure there were a very small handful of incidences where they had a small argument or tiff, but nothing that understanding and communication couldn't fix. Actually, screw that. I still don't buy this 'soul mate' gimmick.

 Love is a feeling that is unique to each individual. You can love lots of things, (I love lamp). But the real true love that happens is on the emotional level. The emotional level is, in my opinion, one of the strongest levels one can feel on, because, uh, it's your feelings?? Emotions are an open invitation to vulnerability. Being physical (hugs, kisses, sex, ect), or being understanding of the mentality and opinions/habits that the other has, is great. Those are very important 'levels' to be in love at. But the true level is emotional.

I don't believe that there is just ONE person out there that when you meet you just totally lose your oxygen from. I can't believe that. That just sounds ridiculous. I mean, if that had happened to me, than what had I experienced before prior to that? A really strong like towards someone? That sounds retarded. I know what love is, I've shown it, and had it shown to me in the past. It's incredible. But a soul mate? Someone who just gets you and loves you right away, regardless of anything else? Someone you just immediately click with and just lock eyes and just fall flat on your face stupid head over butt over? Come'on. Really? I mean... REALLY? Psh... that just sounds like some crazy gimmicky cheesy storyline that comes apparently in almost every classic 'Chick Flick', or 'Romance' story. The odds are incredibly and severely low on that actually happening.

I think what's really happening is just a unique and awesome level of understanding. Not to mention that both parties are most likely already fully aware of themselves (faults and all) and are fully aware of exactly what they are looking for. When those two factors are operating at full strength, then sure, boom! Love happens and people live happily ever somewhere.

Again, this might have come across bitter, it's not. I'm just skeptic of that actually existing. If I'm wrong, I'll admit it. I'm just sayin'. That's all.

The other guy...

I've been processing a lot of self-evaluations lately. Really striving to understand myself and where I'm at in my core. I've strayed from a lot of regular habits and hobbies and noticed that some old habits started to slowly flourish again. With the lack of a properly functional ankle, running, hiking, and dancing have been out of the question. And unfortunately, will be another 2 to 3 weeks.
I had realized that I had put a lot stake into the "idea of who I am" into running and swing dancing. As I had tried to re-invent myself and better myself last year, I had almost forgotten some crucial key points in my own growth. A hobby does not define who you are. I've almost made the critical mistake of using those hobbies as my reasons for who I am. But that's just the thing, they are hobbies. HOBBIES! I feel the word "duh" should be placed somewhere around here, but that's just a cliche word to use that I'd kinda rather not dampen the intelligence of this blog with such a word.

So, instead of exercise, I've pushed myself to still continue to socialize in a different arena; the bars.

Once noted for their great influence on relationships as a whole between male camaraderie, and romantic relationships, as well as recovery for those dealing with hardships, "The Bar", I feel, has become a seedy establishment that has been sullied by the various alcoholics that frequent these places. Okay, maybe I'm coming across a bit jaded and most likely egocentric to a certain degree, but let's be honest, some of these places are just not right.
Last night was an interesting eye opener. People go to bars for 2 reasons, to drink and/or socialize. I've been witness to the wide array of douchebaggery that  tends to be bestowed upon the poor innocent attractive female sitting with her friends at the bar. Where am I? People watching. It's almost like watching an animal documentary from the 70s or 80s.

"Bare witness at the Male Douchebag. In order for him to secure a mate, he must be fully prepared with drink in hand, top 3 buttons on his shirt undone, and his hair styled and quaffed just right. Notice that he never approaches on his own, but the Male Douchebag actually attacks in pairs. Remarkable."

Do you see what I see now? Here I am sitting and watching some of the worst that the human species has to offer. And then I realized last night, what am I doing there? Am I a bar fly? I've been out a lot this week. Mainly as a personal test and attempt to prepare myself for some level of dating. It's been a long time since I've dated. And to be totally honest, I've never felt that I actually chased after anyone (until the most recent one). So my experience in asking someone out is nearly zero.  Not to even mention walking up and talking to someone. I have great confidence in myself, I've made sure of it. I'm smart, witty, funny, and not too bad on the eyes. When I'm on the dance floor, I'm myself, open, honest, forward, confident, ect ect. When I'm at a bar, it's like I shut down. It's the most interesting behavioral change.

Those of you who know me, know that that sounds weird. Me? Shut down? Never!

Another first was to have a wing-man. I know that sounds weird, it looks weird typing it out. But seriously, a friend of mine pulled a wing-man stunt or, sheesh, I don't know what you call it. I've never had that before. I got great guy friends, but we've never gone to a bar, and then hit on women. It was just... it was never done. I felt like such a little kid at the moment. I felt the true level of innocence that I have come forward. I didn't think I had any of that left, but apparently, apparently... I'm still not fully aware of how things work in the outside world.

So ya, I've gone back, re-read my entries on relationships and my views on the healthy ones and what I want or need. Like I said, I'm trying to actually push myself to start dating again and going out. I'm starting to think I shouldn't force myself to do anything, and just let whatever happens happen. Bah, I'll figure it out. I'm sure by the end of this week I'll know what I'm doing. I can sense it.

Killing Romance

This particular blog title could be interpreted a couple of ways. I could be describing how to kill romance, or I could be going on about romance that kills.  I haven't quite figured out which yet. Personally, I think this might just be me describing what I feel romance is and how it might be a complete myth made up of half a life time of movies and television.

Romance, by dictionary.com is defined as:

1. A novel or other prose narrative depicting heroic or marvelous deeds, pageantry, romantic exploits, etc., usually in a historical or imaginary setting. 
2. the colorful world, life, or conditions depicted in such tales. 
3. a medieval narrative, originally one in verse and in some Romance dialect, treating of heroic, fantastic, or supernatural events, often in the form of allegory. 
4. a baseless, made-up story, usually full of exaggeration or fanciful invention. 
5. a romantic spirit, sentiment, emotion, or desire.

I almost feel like I don't need to go on after reading the definition. "fanciful", "exaggeration", "imaginary setting"; those all seem like a solid basis to go off when saying that romance never existed to begin with. But, there's a small piece of me that believes it's not any of those. That it IS real. As ridiculous as it may sound, me being a guy and all (I highly doubt any other guy would admit to this) but with the child like hope that I still hold on to at the young spry age of 31 (32 in a month), I believe that Prince Charming DID wake up Snow White, that the Prince DID find the right woman for the glass shoe, and all those other fantasy stories about the guy getting the girl and sweeping her off her feet.

Okay okay wait, that was over the top. Those stories are WAY over the top. That can't happen today, right? Well, technically I think it does. I think it still can. I think it's very incredibly possible for it to continue on today. Hearing stories of friends and family getting married and how they proposed to the other. I have some great guy friends who really brought it, I mean, they went all out to have a surprise and do it right. Best part is, that it was a surprise and the woman never even saw it coming.  But it's always the guy putting on the romance. Sure there's PLENTY of moments that I've heard of a woman putting it all out there for the guy. I've had the great luck of actually experiencing it once or twice. It's because of my small amount of experience on this subject that it's difficult for me to believe that it actually exists. Or it could be that it's difficult to surprise me because I'm always paying attention to the smallest amount of changes that go on around me.

I have always had huge grandiose ideas, (did I use that word right? bah, whatever). I've got extravagant ideas, events, settings, theories, and small presentations that go on inside this creative brain of mine. I also have what I've thought to be a perfect date, that I have yet to bestow on anyone.  I have ideas that involve a plan, a map and a few extra people to help plan it out. I have no idea where these ideas come from. Most likely my creativity and the fact that my brain has been dowsed in various movies with romantic undertones.

You know what got me the other day? Watching a total guy movie, action and violence, and then, then... ready for this... the guy pushes the girl to the side, to protect her mind you, and then gently and passionately kisses her. Sure, we see that all the time, but what got to me was how the lighting came down to almost a focus on them, and everything around them, except them, went into slow motion. That... that right there, (pointing at the screen), BAM, I mean... ya. That. Of course after they stopped kissing, he turned around and beat the hell out of a some bad guy, and then she was in two kinds of shock, one from the kiss and one of a brutal murder. But I want to focus on that kiss. I know you know what I'm talking about. Many of you married people get it, and maybe a few of you single people do. It's that type of kiss that just sucks the air right out of the room.  Maybe there's fireworks, but I think this one is different. This is one of those moments where nothing else existed, life... life just... stopped. Breathtaking.

Time is relative. I think that is great proof of it.

I've gotten a little off track with where I was going, so you'll have to forgive me for backtracking a bit. I've written many times before on what I think a healthy relationship is. This part is not to be taken lightly or disregarded. I think passion and romance is almost one in the same thing. I think it's incredibly important to have the same passion you would for a favorite hobby or sport, as you would for a romantic interest. More so actually. I believe, and hope, that when there is some real fire in your heart, that just looking at the other person makes it burn hotter and brighter. Now please, don't take it as a sexual thing, cause that's not at all what I'm talking about here. If I was, I would have said a fire in your pants, but I didn't, I said your heart. The heart is the key to all of this. To feel that undying flame inside your chest and just to feel over joyed and excited when they look at you, smile, or whatever else drives you, that's probably one of the greatest feelings.

I think that when two people, find each other, with that same level of passion, the romance between them is epic... no... legendary. Ya..... legendary. HA! I think I just like saying that word... legendary.  Seriously though, could you imagine what would happen? Yikes.

I really shouldn't be writing at 3:30am, my writing is all over the place and I can NOT able to stay on track to save my life.

My point that I've been trying to make is that I want romance, and passion, and I want it to be shared with me, instead of me always trying to, or for the most part, wanting to share it with someone else. I'd like to experience what others have experienced and would like to know that it's not completely dead and only one gender sided. I've only heard of it, or, well.. I have seen it, but maybe not as often as I would have liked to completely fulfill this odd need of mine.

Okay okay... that's it. No more. I don't even know what I've been typing anymore, I just know that insomnia sucks and not being tired tends to lead to some interesting brain activity. Sigh, I hope this blog didn't suck. I'll re-read it tomorrow.

Brain Leakage from another blog.

Over the past several weeks, many things have been abundantly clear to me, or at least made clear through many various things. My own personal validation and humbling experiences and how important it is to hold on to and not forget about. Secondly, a lot of my thought patterns in regards to relationships, my past, and romance in general, as well as my view on sex, or sexual content in a relationship. Lastly, it's SO important to have balance. I mean,... seriously. Important. So where do I start?

Personal Validation
I believe I've already talked about this. But the value of having accomplishments and goals and motivation has always fallen short with me. I always belittled myself and anything I've done. I've never owned anything as my own, and quite honestly any confidence you saw as a friend or lover or whatever you were, well, that was fake confidence. I never truly had it. Sure, I came across cocky, arrogant and sometimes just way to full of hot air, but that should only be proof of my incredible acting skills, no? Just start at the beginning of this blog! Or heck, look at some of my old writings on my old blog ( ). Sometimes it was genuine I'm sure, but all in all, it wasn't there. It was pathetic and sad. And really, whereas I might have tried to get some kind of self-confidence security from a friend, a family member, or most of the time from a girlfriend, it all came down to myself and my own inabilities to recognize my "potential?" I don't know if that's the right word for it, but it fits, so I'll go with it. As I've gone on this journey of depression and self-actualization, I've most definitely grown and gained my own source of strength through various small goals and medium sized goals on my way to becoming a fully grown confident mentally and emotionally healthy adult. Not really mature 100% of course (I still have way more boxes of toys than dishes and clothes, but I'm close at least)

The final piece, I think, was the job. I had been missing that for quite some time. As I came into my own self-awareness and learned about my faults, my insecurities, and fears and whathaveyou, I felt this increasing feeling of a work ethic. It became more and more important to me to work and to strive for something. It's most definitely new ground for me. Wait, don't get me wrong. I've worked before, and when I do, and I'm on the job, I really do work hard and want to get it done as fast and effeceintly as possible. Problem is, I get bored after I finish a job, or I might finish it WAY too quickly in which case I've put myself out of a job. Regardless, the point is that I've had a work ethic that was strong, just not the motivation to go find a place to use it. The past several months have helped to strengthen that drive and to teach me just how important it is to have money, friends and family in my life. How those connections can help in so many various ways.

Oh, and I know I'm missing out a HUGE part of all of this. Many friends might not be of a christian belief, and that's cool. For me though, I gotta say that all of this, the very roof over my head, to the awesome little dog sitting on my lap right now (my friend's dog) is a total gift from God. The job, the family, the friends, the experiences, all of it. I mean, wow, really? I can't tell you how many times I have told God thank you and how many more times I'll keep doing it. I can recall various moments in my past where I had been so overjoyed with happiness and thankfulness. I mean, it's a little old news now, but when I had met my last x, there were so many times driving home that I had just laughed and screamed out of happiness and thankfulness for her. But I digress. The main thing to take away from this is that a job is quite important, but doesn't make you who you are. What makes you important is how you feel about yourself. Sure, a job does help, but what it comes down to is being able to accept yourself for your faults and issues and problems and fixing those emotional, mental, or spiritual blockades in a healthy permanent fashion. I'd add physical blockades, but if you fix the other problems first, that one goes with it. It's truly and eye opening experiences.

Relational Catastrophic Metamorphosis
So many things have added a new perspective to my almost permanently and slightly jaded view on relationships as a whole. I can start from my 3rd party view of how couples should be interacting and the honesty and integrity that is involved in it. I could also add in the importance of how a man should treat his woman, and how he should respond to certain situations, as well as how he should handle himself as an individual and as a spouse. I could go into how a female should do the same as well, or the subject matter of how she would handle herself and interact with the husband. I could go into great lengths on the importance of understanding and compassion and communication needed between two people. Maybe I would start with many of personal opinions about what I might want or do want, or feel I deserve and need. I could write a novel on it actually. I've been hanging out with a lot of female friends and married couples lately. To be completely honest, it's added so much insight and perspective that I feel my brain might implode on itself. I'm gonna start there.
The thing is, sometimes we need a reminder as to why a relationship is even important. I've been super incredibly stubborn about dating as a whole, and even still, after all of this thinking and pondering and analyzing, I really still don't want to date at all. However, as many people will be happy to hear, I'm not completely prone to being turned off by the possibility. Let me get back to my point. Getting the compliments, hearing the love from others, and really just feeling the love and affection coming from, well, another female... well it reminded me of something. Keep in mind it's all been platonic and just being awesome friends, but feeling that warmth, it reminded me of something I actually missed that I had forgotten about. When you don't date, don't go out and don't get any kind of... ANY kind of physical affection or love from another person, you forget what you are missing. I mean, ya... sometimes you'll see a couple kiss, or hug or whatever, but it's not quite the same as having that particular hug that says thanks, or just kinda hits that emotional level at your core...... sigh.... can I sound cheesy or what? I'm sure I could add more sap to that sappiness, but let's just stop there ya? I'm hoping you get what I'm talking about. It's absolutely not a sexual thing mind you, it's a deeper feeling than some purely physical interaction between a man and a woman. Its been moments like that; moments that have reminded me and defined the reasons for wanting a relationship. I'm sure I still have some baggage and issues to move past before I can overcome my total stubbornness and lack of "want", but it's a start for those who are cheering for me, so just take what you can get.
Watching and observing female friends, couples and their interactions with each other, it's been inspiring. I almost want to write a list of things I want. But I'm afraid that by writing that list I might be dooming myself to a life of complete singularity as it would be pretty specific and might only add to my level of stubbornness. All in all, it's been a very interesting 2 weeks. I'm sure I'll add more to this subject later, but for now, I think that's a big thing.


There's one last subject I want to talk about, but I'm still processing it and feel it'll be best suited to be written near the end of the week

More Insight from a 3rd Party into Healthy Relationships

The following is an excerpt from one of my many blogs. I felt it was something I should share with everyone, a little bit more insight into me... enjoy.

So, over the course of the last several months, I've been making mental lists, as well as probably a few written ones, as to what I need, want and require from a relationship. Now let me clarify something, for starters I'm going to refer to this whole subject in general terms, or at least try to, without making references to any one individual. Furthermore, I've already known what the difference is between need and want, and don't feel I need to go into too many specifics about either one, and only want to touch on a couple of the topics under that subject of need and want. On with the show...

I want someone who is secure in themselves. Better yet, I require it. I, in no way, want to sound conceited at all, and of course still realize that I'm growing and learning, and will never stop. But, I will say that if I'm going to be strong for myself, and secure in who I am in my beliefs and self-aware of my problems and issues, then I need someone who is in that place as well; someone who knows what their issues are, what their problems are, where they need to be watchful of with their habits. I'm not about to get into a relationship with someone who can't communicate properly with me about a problem they have about a habit or a choice I made. It's as simple as being a mature, reasonable adult who can recognize their own personal issues, as well as be understanding to their loved one in regards to their personal issues.  I have plenty of healthy awesome couples to pull from as examples if this idea baffles you. But it's true. It's possible. I've always known it was possible, but I also feel that at the very least ONE person has to be able to be strong enough to identify the concept and utilize it in a healthy way.

Secondly, I require passion. Passion is a wild word. It's different to so many people. And to be perfectly blunt, most people would relate the word passion in regards to a relationship, to mean sex, or "sexy time". But that's not the case here. When I use passion it simply means being able to express a love or desire for something or someone in a completely unhindered and unrestricted fashion. That's what I'm talking about. To me, passion can be expressed in numerous ways. For instance, one example could be if the man got up early and got his wife gas for her car before she was awake, making sure she didn't have to do it later. That's a small form of passion, to me at least, that shows his love for her. Doing things without being told. And something that also falls under that, that speaks to me on loud levels, is simple hugs and kisses. Just walking over and giving me a hug, randomly, for no reason, but just cause she loved/missed/wanted me. A simple hug.

I'm a physical person. I express my love in various romantic gestures (if given the chance) but being physical is one that I respond to best. And honestly, it's not sex. It's not of the sexual nature. It's really just simple kissing and hugging. Those two things are so under-rated it's ridiculous! Is it just me, or did anyone else ever enjoy just making out with your love on the couch. Okay okay... I'll admit it, I'm a hopeless romantic. I'm cheesy, sappy, and sometimes totally lame. So what? You like it, don't lie. It's endearing, no? So I have this soft sweet side, don't tell anybody.

I don't feel wrong in these two ideals. I think it's important to have both in order to have a healthy relationship. Sure, honesty, respect, communication, ect ect are important no doubt. But to be in a relationship without feeling the least bit amount of passion, unrestricted, straight up, raw, passion... well that's just horrible. And what about being secure in oneself? Couldn't it be impossible to have a healthy relationship if both people had issues and refused to deal with them from the onset, or at least strengthen each other to help deal with it? I believe that both are so important that, I require that as well, as I'm feeling way healthier and strong in all my current walks of life.

There's more to it of course, but this is the biggest general area part of the blog. Some of you I've already talked to about it, others I have not. I'd love to hear more insights as to what you all think.

Thanks.

Insight into the dynamics of a healthy relationship (excerpt)

The following is from a personal blog of mine (if you want to read it, email me and I'll add you to the list). I felt that this is something everyone should read, as I found it a little enlightening. Again, this is just a small excerpt. Enjoy.



"There's a handful of relationships that inspire me. Friends and family. One thing I've noticed for all of the healthy relationships is this: Individualism. Each person is an individual and is able to keep their independence while still being able to share life with their loved one. It's incredible. Neither one becomes upset, angry, frustrated, or annoyed with their loved one over small issues, and has no problem showing some level of affection for each other. Nothing crazy of course, no make-out sessions or nothing, but a few couples have expressed some level of passion for each other in just their simple kissing.
There's also a strong level of honesty. Almost raw in it's entirety. It's truly impressive. Each person excepts the other in every way, faults, and hobbies. Neither person tries to change the other, or stop them from doing what they like. Granted I am on the outside looking in, but yet, over the years of knowing these people, or just the months in some cases, it's been the same consistency.
It is truly amazing. Very inspiring as a whole. The honesty and passion seem to be the most distinct while watching these people interact with each other. They don't attach at the hip, they don't become needy or selfish. There's a very genuine and raw love for each other. A compassion of unequaled comparisons. One couple will be completely honest about everything, which at first, was a bit shocking, but eventually was endearing. One couple are more individuals than the others. But yet, despite not always being at the same place together, when they are, you see two lovers who are total best friends, and don't require constant companionship everywhere they go; they don't need to be at every place together.
I've seen couples that inspire each other in total silence, just being themselves and pushing their abilities to their fullest because their loved one is pushing themselves, and in turn they are inspired and motivated to do the same.
I've seen couples love each other for the quirkiness of their separate personalities.
I've seen/heard couples get frustrated in situations at a party, or some event, but the understanding from both people are so great, that any kind of argument or frustration hardly lasts even a day, if not an hour!

So, what do I want? What do I deserve? Well, I think my friends and family would say I deserve the best. So, I'll agree with them. I deserve the best. But what do I want?

I want what they all have of course. I want a best-friend I can be honest with, no sugar coating, no judging. I want to be able to tell them ANYTHING, and EVERYTHING at the same time. Actually, I think it would be cool if I didn't have to, they just got it without saying anything. I have faults, I make mistakes, I want someone to accept me for those too. I want honesty and passion. I'm not saying that I have to be attacked with kisses and such all the time (not that there is anything wrong with that) but I want a kiss that expresses, or at least attempts to express the depth of their love for me every time. A simple kiss, a simple hug. Even a look. If you've ever been in a relationship, you know the look I'm talking about. I've seen it on just about every couple I've referred to. It's a look that people give when they love someone. Actually... I've seen it more from the females to the guys, when the guys do something kinda... weird, or quirky. Again... it makes me smile.

I think I finally get how a healthy relationship should be. Nothing hidden, everything open. You can't have a true real best-friend for life if you aren't willing to explain EVERYTHING, and tell them anything. There shouldn't be any fears of "will they not like me? will they be angry?" ect ect. Not one relationship had any fear or insecurities.
Some might argue that I wouldn't see any of the turmoil when I'm hanging out with these people. But that's just the thing. There are so many awesome couples in my life, and some that I've known my whole life, and others I've gotten to know over a few months, that the variety is huge. I WOULD see it. I personally love to people watch; analyze non-verbal behavior and really understand human development. It's become quite a second nature to me to see when someone is upset, frustrated or angry. I can just tell when someone is hiding it, or acting. And sure, some of the couples have shown that frustration completely masked with a smile, because the atmosphere didn't ask for that kind of frustrated behavior to be shown.
Every couple goes through some kinda of turmoil or trial at least once.
But not one of these relationships I've looked at has ever gotten to a point of extreme anger or frustration. Not once has someone felt compelled to keep something from the other out of fear or anger. It's amazing. The level of happiness that exudes from these people is incredible."


And that's it. I'd love to know everyone's thoughts and ideas on this if you got them. (I suppose I'll post this on my facebook too)

Interesting tid bit...

I'm a pretty fart smella, I mean smart fella. I re-read some of old posts, mainly 2008, and it made me happy. Sure it was some information that wasn't the greatest; ie a bad a relationship, grandpa dying, house fire, ect. But what made me happy was that what I learned, I kept. I didn't discard it. I always thought I'd learn things and then slowly go back to my old ways, but I've actually made a difference in my life based on my past experiences. How human like of me! That made me feel good. I also think I'll be blogging more, writing down more of my thoughts on subjects and such. I feel its a good way to keep track of what I do and did and helps me to remember where I've been and where I'm going.

Today I met with a life coach. Ya, a life coach. I truly never thought I'd ever actually need one. And it's not that I do. I just need someone to kick my butt, direct me, keep me on track... keep my accountable. That's the most difficult thing for me. I most likely have A.D.D. because I'm so easily distracted and bored with things. It's really amazing that I've had long term relationships actually considering how easily bored I get. So with that said, I've got ideas about goals and no way to process it, to figure it out, to get onto the tracks and start moving. But this guy... this guy... he's put the right ideas in my noggin to get me moving. It's a start.

I've been, obviously, feeling pretty down the last few weeks, and yesterday was a total off day for me. A breakup can be pretty brutal. Takes a lot out of you. And when you had that to the lack of a job, the lack of anything coming down the works that looks like a solid job, and add no direction onto that, depression and lack of confidence can take a good choke hold on you. Well, yesterday was a culmination of that nonsense. It happens, everyone deals with it. I wrote a post back in 2008 about walls. How everyone has them. I still believe that. I also wrote how I was going to have walls. And I did, then in 2009 I wrote about getting rid of those walls. I think there's a fine line, a balance, for those walls. Make them too high, nobody gets through and you are completely blocked from ever feeling what love is and how a strong connection to someone, and in the process you could push someone away. Walls too low, you leave yourself open for attack by forces that can really do some nasty harm to you both emotionally and physically. It's a balance, see? I guess if I had a draw bridge for the big walls, or a gate for the small fence, life wouldn't be too bad. You pick and choose who can get inside the walls. I think that's what I'm doing now. I might have made the decision to break-up, and although it wasn't my finest moment ever, it still hurt. Due to that hurt I felt my walls shoot up real quick. It was if there was some secret installation underground, and when the button was hit, BAM! They shot up. I've installed a draw bridge this time though. I think that's the safest way to play any kind of "Game". But also, this is a formal note, that I've pulled out of whatever "the game" is. Dating and the like are just too much work and too distracting. More friends? Sure. More people and connections? Bring it on. Romantic relationships? Forget it. Ya ya ya, blah blah blah, the right one is out there, ect ect ect. On a purely logical explanation and without getting to statistical about it, I'll just say that based off of my track record, and my absurdly wild romantic notions, it ain't happening. Plenty of people will argue with me, and sure, maybe, MAYBE I'll be proven wrong someday. But let's not hold our breath, huh? I've experienced all I want to experience with relationships for the time being, and will focus on me now. Which, I know is selfish, and also ironic since I'm trying to be less selfish. But we (me, friends and family) all agree it's about time. It's something that is long over due.

I highly recommend the next blog.... which will be about goals. It's gonna be a good one.

Oh, and how do you like the new setup? The background and layout I think are perfect. I'm very happy with my artwork, it's got a weird feeling to it and I'm curious to know what people think.

-me