So for those of you who were quick enough to catch the former blog, congrats. But for those who weren't able to see it in the last 3 hour span... sucks for you. I don't normally delete anything, but it was pretty lame and pathetic and there was no thought-out thoughts (shut up, that makes sense).
I'll write another blog about my vacation, but right now, I just want to semi rant and talk about something that is on my brain.
I believe a lot of things. And also I don't believe in very many things either. Yes yes yes, I know, I read a particular blog and it had thoughts in my head. But I've had these thoughts over the weekend and whereas I wanted to write them down on here, I couldn't for lack of a computer or connection. So here I am, writing it now.
I believe there is something called love. I don't there is TRUE love. I think that's a fantasy that we've created to make us feel optimistic. I believe there numerous people for one person. Not one. In no way am I saying that cheating is acceptable because of that statement. My thoughts are that if you are with someone who you love more than anything, and then they die, then there are backups to that one. It's possible to love more than once. I believe that. I don't believe that it's easy to be IN love with someone. There IS a difference between loving someone and being IN love with someone.
When you become IN love with someone there's a different chemistry going on in your head. I also think that you can grow to be in love with someone. I also think that you can just feel a hardcore connection and be in love with someone right off the bat. I know that sounds odd and crazy and make believe like, but I believe that. I believe that it's possible to get "swept off your feet" and "fall head over heals" and all that garbage. I think that's what being IN love is. Sure, you might not feel that way all the time. But the idea is always there. You can't ignore them. You can't leave them alone. You can't stop thinking about them. They could have done some seriously messed up stuff, emotionally or physically, but you are still just insane about them. That's part of being IN love. To me it is. Being willing to deal with all the crap that flies at you from their mouth, or the drama or baggage that they might carry with them. Being willing to take a bullet or sacrifice anything you have for them... that is being IN love. I don't find it to be that rare.
To love someone... well, that's simple. You enjoy their company but don't think about them all the time. Now let me clear something up really quick here. I don't mean "all the time" as in every moment of every moment. (ya, that's right) I mean that you think about them more than others. You do things first for them then other people. They are on your mind more than other people are. I believe that you can love someone and grow to be in love with them.
One of the major things that a lot of people forget is that everything is work. Family, friends, love, relationships... all of it is work. There's not one thing that isn't work about it. You keep in contact with family and friends, you try and stay in touch, visit them, say happy birthday, whatever it is, its work. You have to or else you won't feel the love from them back, because they feel like you don't care. And vise versa, if they don't try to show you, you feel less love for that person. When it comes to a romantic relationship though, its work. Sure, the first 3 months or 5 months, or friggin awesome. Who doesn't love that part. Learning about each other and exploring what makes that person tick. That's how you fall in love, or learn to love someone. You appreciate who they are, and where they come from. But things get boring after that. People grow to know each other so well that it becomes boring. And then they long for what they had. What was 3 months ago, is no longer there. So now comments like "you changed" or "your not the same as when I met you" or the ever famous conversation that starts with "we need to talk" start happening more frequently. This is where work comes in. Not from just one side, but both. Both sides need to work to keep the attention span, or to feel love from the other person. Random-ness is a must. I've learned this in a hard way.
Budgeting time and making time and having money and making money and making a relationship work is tough. So what's the point in having a relationship? Because there's the knowledge that you have one person who will always be there for you no matter what. When you fall you don't fall alone. When you have a great day, you can share it with that person and they will enjoy it with you. Sure friends and family can do that too, but getting a raise or a new job is way more enjoyable when you can share that newness and the benefits from it with someone. Plus, when you're down on your luck, your loved one cheers you up. Makes you feel good about yourself. To grow and experience life together is an awesome thing that should be cherished and hoped for. All the work you put, all that effort pays off.
That's pretty much what I believe. I know the bad and the good of a relationship now. I know how things can go from great to worse in a matter of seconds. Nobody has enough of an attention span to do the same thing over and over and over. It's horrible. Being different and changing it up and doing new things is an awesome way to keep going on everyday. I honestly couldn't think of a better feeling that having the knowledge that you have that one person.
One more thing before I wrap this up.
Walls. Everyone has some form of a wall up. Everyone. A tiny little mound of a dirt to the Great Wall of China. I understand why you might have it too. As I've developed my own walls. I've finally built some. I really didn't have any. I honestly believed that I didn't. I put all of me out there every chance that comes by. But I've learned that's not good. Plus, I've discovered that if you have walls up for too long, you could end up hurting yourself more than you would others. Discovering those inner walls and being able to take that chance to let someone in is a huge task. But in life you have to take risks or you could miss out on awesome wonderful things.
Over the past few years I've changed my mind on a lot of things. Sure I might be more or less spiritual. I've got more of a zen quality to me now. Plus some random ideas like how I wanted to have 3 kids... hahaha. Ya... if I have kids, cool, if not, whatever. I had the notion that being that I was the last one with the family namesake, that I HAD to carry it on. I've discarded that idea and I'm taking a more *i don't care* attitude. I'll be happy with what I have whenever I have it. I also want to move to places and travel and do random things. I refuse to just sit day in and day out and not do something fun and exciting when I can. Ya... I think that's it.
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