Me

There's been a lot of changes since the last entry. I didn't read the last entry recently, but I'm sure it's been a long time. I've been doing a lot of soul searching and directional searching for myself lately. I feel that I'm finally starting to get a better grasp on what's going on with me and how I operate. I already know that I'm a selfish guy. That I come across very selfish to some people and that I sometimes do things for just me. If I don't want to do something, I won't do it. Well, I've been working on that. Part of my inner exploration led me to the theory of why I am selfish. It's only a theory mind you and not a proven one at that. I do believe being selfish IS in our nature as we always have to look out for number 1 as a survival instinct. But in this case I'll be talking a little beside that point.

For starters I have a great family and awesome friends (some of which are the exact same). I have family that is behind me on whatever I choose to do and can be right there with me during the hard times. Same goes for friends. And where as I have friends and family in my corner rooting for me and pushing me, I have nobody in my corner kicking me in the butt. I just don't. I know what has to be done, but it's a matter of lack of motivation. If I was working, different story, I work, I work till it's done. End of story. But in an everyday setting of striving to a goal, nobody is there to kick my lazy butt. Simple things like eating, sleeping, cleaning (laundry, room, bathroom, ect) those don't count. Those are things that HAVE to be done. My problem is I haven't quite realized a few things.

A) where I'm going. A direction. A forward movement to get me from point A to point B. There's no point B though, so where am I going?

B) with no direction, there's no movement, with no movement there's no motivation. wait... no goal, no motivation, no direction, no movement. That's better.

How is this leading to me being selfish? How is this just not me explaining how lazy I am? Well, since there is nobody there to nag, push, prod and kick me where I need/have/want to go, I have to do it myself. Why do I do it? What is my motivation? Me. I have to do it for me. Nobody else will step up to seriously just kick me. Relationships, all of them (romantic or not) it appears people are too scared of being a nag in my eyes, or hurting me somehow, or hoping that I figure it out. Well, I figured it out, and I figured out that I have to do this for me. I have to get to that goal for me.

Since this blog is all honesty, let me continue with the tradition and say I'm not the best I can be. I'm not the nicest guy in the world and I haven't been greatest friend I could be to some people. I have been stubborn, selfish and mean. I'm well aware of my sharp tongue and how quick I am to use it on someone who I think is an idiot. Which really isn't a very nice thing. I mean I still feel that idiots should be told that they are idiots, but maybe in a nicer way as to make them feel that they shouldn't be an idiot anymore and to read a book with words and not picture books anymore.

So... here I am, 31 years old last January. Alone to my own devices with about 10 dollars in my checking account. A direction? To be better than I have been. To see my own worth and potential and live up to it. To really try and kick my own butt to be the person I'm supposed to be. I really can do anything, and it's about time I actually try and live up to it. I've hurt a lot of people and neglected a bunch of others. So I'm sorry for doing that. Even though it's selfish thinking, I'm hoping that somewhere along the way I can discard that and have a better reason for doing what I do.