I'm a pretty fart smella, I mean smart fella. I re-read some of old posts, mainly 2008, and it made me happy. Sure it was some information that wasn't the greatest; ie a bad a relationship, grandpa dying, house fire, ect. But what made me happy was that what I learned, I kept. I didn't discard it. I always thought I'd learn things and then slowly go back to my old ways, but I've actually made a difference in my life based on my past experiences. How human like of me! That made me feel good. I also think I'll be blogging more, writing down more of my thoughts on subjects and such. I feel its a good way to keep track of what I do and did and helps me to remember where I've been and where I'm going.
Today I met with a life coach. Ya, a life coach. I truly never thought I'd ever actually need one. And it's not that I do. I just need someone to kick my butt, direct me, keep me on track... keep my accountable. That's the most difficult thing for me. I most likely have A.D.D. because I'm so easily distracted and bored with things. It's really amazing that I've had long term relationships actually considering how easily bored I get. So with that said, I've got ideas about goals and no way to process it, to figure it out, to get onto the tracks and start moving. But this guy... this guy... he's put the right ideas in my noggin to get me moving. It's a start.
I've been, obviously, feeling pretty down the last few weeks, and yesterday was a total off day for me. A breakup can be pretty brutal. Takes a lot out of you. And when you had that to the lack of a job, the lack of anything coming down the works that looks like a solid job, and add no direction onto that, depression and lack of confidence can take a good choke hold on you. Well, yesterday was a culmination of that nonsense. It happens, everyone deals with it. I wrote a post back in 2008 about walls. How everyone has them. I still believe that. I also wrote how I was going to have walls. And I did, then in 2009 I wrote about getting rid of those walls. I think there's a fine line, a balance, for those walls. Make them too high, nobody gets through and you are completely blocked from ever feeling what love is and how a strong connection to someone, and in the process you could push someone away. Walls too low, you leave yourself open for attack by forces that can really do some nasty harm to you both emotionally and physically. It's a balance, see? I guess if I had a draw bridge for the big walls, or a gate for the small fence, life wouldn't be too bad. You pick and choose who can get inside the walls. I think that's what I'm doing now. I might have made the decision to break-up, and although it wasn't my finest moment ever, it still hurt. Due to that hurt I felt my walls shoot up real quick. It was if there was some secret installation underground, and when the button was hit, BAM! They shot up. I've installed a draw bridge this time though. I think that's the safest way to play any kind of "Game". But also, this is a formal note, that I've pulled out of whatever "the game" is. Dating and the like are just too much work and too distracting. More friends? Sure. More people and connections? Bring it on. Romantic relationships? Forget it. Ya ya ya, blah blah blah, the right one is out there, ect ect ect. On a purely logical explanation and without getting to statistical about it, I'll just say that based off of my track record, and my absurdly wild romantic notions, it ain't happening. Plenty of people will argue with me, and sure, maybe, MAYBE I'll be proven wrong someday. But let's not hold our breath, huh? I've experienced all I want to experience with relationships for the time being, and will focus on me now. Which, I know is selfish, and also ironic since I'm trying to be less selfish. But we (me, friends and family) all agree it's about time. It's something that is long over due.
I highly recommend the next blog.... which will be about goals. It's gonna be a good one.
Oh, and how do you like the new setup? The background and layout I think are perfect. I'm very happy with my artwork, it's got a weird feeling to it and I'm curious to know what people think.
-me
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