So. Here I am, after a nice 10 mile bike ride, and after listening to my local church podcast from a few weeks ago finally. The message is something I should have heard a long time ago. And I feel very strongly that I need to write about it, because this is something EVERYONE deals with, not just me specifically. I'll start with a verse... wait... let me preface something.
For those of you are readers, or at the very least my friends who are not religious, keep in mind that I have no qualms with what you choose in life, I don't judge you in any way shape or form, it is not my place on this planet to do so. I think you're awesome in your own way. This of course is my point of view, my faith and a part of who I am. SO, if you are at all offended by anything that I say religious wise, I apologize in advance as I am not one to offend on that level. So there's my preface.
Ephesians 4:31-32
"Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you."
Sounds like a pretty good standard for living life. Now the message itself had more to do with memories. Holding on to the bad memories, feeling the resentent, the "what if" feeling, and guilt. So many things going through my brain right now, so please forgive me if this seems sporadic.
I've had a lot going on mentally and emotionally lately, learning various things about myself through an incredible growing process and a full on restructure of my brain. Through this process it has come up that I belittle myself fairly consistently on just about everything I've ever done. Most recently of course, it has also come to my attention that I have extreme guilt and "what ifs" about an ended relationship, as well as other events, but we'll stick to the most recent one. Learning to accept what I can't change. Learning to let it go is a huge thing for me.
I analyze things, WAY too much. I also like to fix things, and when I feel I can fix it, I want to. Problem is, I need to accept certain things that I can't fix, or change. The past is one of those things. I've been hurt so often from past relationships, and on some level I'm carrying it with me. I need to just accept what can't be changed.
Through the 30 minute podcast, I learned that I need to just give this broken body, not just heart, but all of it, to God. Whereas I thought I had, I truly hadn't. It's a certain level of acceptance for things that I can not change. Holding on to those hurtful memories, those chances I feel I could have fixed something, are only hurting me more. Some things I can't change. Bleh... that left a foul taste in my mouth. I still know what I want, who I want, and what I need. Letting go of the guilt, letting go and realizing that I'm not a failure, that mistakes happen and I need to forgive myself. God forgives everything so that isn't really the issue here for me.
There's 2 approaches to letting go of guilt; condemnation and confession. I've been doing the condemnation thing for a long time. I've confessed mistakes and errors now.
The truth is, I haven't lost it all. It's not that I will never be happy again. I'm being protective now, but chances are I'll find my medium and get to a good par level.
Things I'm currently working on.
Trying to create a structure for myself.
If I can create a strong foundation, I can start to build myself up, become stronger on all levels. Starting simple is key, just simply getting up early.... 6am? 7am? And going for bike ride, a swim, or dare I say... a run?!?! wth? Wait, I have running shoes?! weird.
Trying to find strength for myself.
A friend recently told me that the trick is to have your own inner strength to pull from, not to depend on someone else for strength. Of course, at the same time, if I need help, don't be so proud or prideful that I can't ask for it. Sometimes weakness happens, and in those cases it's OKAY to ask for help and need help, it doesn't make you a weak person. BUT, what DOES make you a weak person is not having your own inner strength to motivation to get something done. Saying is most definitely different from Doing.
I'm doing my best to accept what I can not change, which is the past. I've accepted those faults that were mine, and that weren't. But accepting those things is only the beginning. Accepting is only half of it. Needing to be preventative for future problems, being aware of my faults and fixing them. Really doing my best to be the best person I can be, on a mental level, physical level, emotional and spiritual level. As impatient as I am, I know it'll take time, but I'm very confident that I can be at a great place by the end of the year. My brain is in overdrive, mind of matter. I got this.
And where I wanted to have that quick fix, or that moment to breath and feel something, I think it's better to figure out my stuff on my own, so I can look back and feel better about myself that I did it. That I've accomplished it and pushed past the hardest time in my life.
I got this.
Feetnote:
I got running shoes... but how do I start running?
For those of you are readers, or at the very least my friends who are not religious, keep in mind that I have no qualms with what you choose in life, I don't judge you in any way shape or form, it is not my place on this planet to do so. I think you're awesome in your own way. This of course is my point of view, my faith and a part of who I am. SO, if you are at all offended by anything that I say religious wise, I apologize in advance as I am not one to offend on that level. So there's my preface.
Ephesians 4:31-32
"Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you."
Sounds like a pretty good standard for living life. Now the message itself had more to do with memories. Holding on to the bad memories, feeling the resentent, the "what if" feeling, and guilt. So many things going through my brain right now, so please forgive me if this seems sporadic.
I've had a lot going on mentally and emotionally lately, learning various things about myself through an incredible growing process and a full on restructure of my brain. Through this process it has come up that I belittle myself fairly consistently on just about everything I've ever done. Most recently of course, it has also come to my attention that I have extreme guilt and "what ifs" about an ended relationship, as well as other events, but we'll stick to the most recent one. Learning to accept what I can't change. Learning to let it go is a huge thing for me.
I analyze things, WAY too much. I also like to fix things, and when I feel I can fix it, I want to. Problem is, I need to accept certain things that I can't fix, or change. The past is one of those things. I've been hurt so often from past relationships, and on some level I'm carrying it with me. I need to just accept what can't be changed.
Through the 30 minute podcast, I learned that I need to just give this broken body, not just heart, but all of it, to God. Whereas I thought I had, I truly hadn't. It's a certain level of acceptance for things that I can not change. Holding on to those hurtful memories, those chances I feel I could have fixed something, are only hurting me more. Some things I can't change. Bleh... that left a foul taste in my mouth. I still know what I want, who I want, and what I need. Letting go of the guilt, letting go and realizing that I'm not a failure, that mistakes happen and I need to forgive myself. God forgives everything so that isn't really the issue here for me.
There's 2 approaches to letting go of guilt; condemnation and confession. I've been doing the condemnation thing for a long time. I've confessed mistakes and errors now.
The truth is, I haven't lost it all. It's not that I will never be happy again. I'm being protective now, but chances are I'll find my medium and get to a good par level.
Things I'm currently working on.
Trying to create a structure for myself.
If I can create a strong foundation, I can start to build myself up, become stronger on all levels. Starting simple is key, just simply getting up early.... 6am? 7am? And going for bike ride, a swim, or dare I say... a run?!?! wth? Wait, I have running shoes?! weird.
Trying to find strength for myself.
A friend recently told me that the trick is to have your own inner strength to pull from, not to depend on someone else for strength. Of course, at the same time, if I need help, don't be so proud or prideful that I can't ask for it. Sometimes weakness happens, and in those cases it's OKAY to ask for help and need help, it doesn't make you a weak person. BUT, what DOES make you a weak person is not having your own inner strength to motivation to get something done. Saying is most definitely different from Doing.
I'm doing my best to accept what I can not change, which is the past. I've accepted those faults that were mine, and that weren't. But accepting those things is only the beginning. Accepting is only half of it. Needing to be preventative for future problems, being aware of my faults and fixing them. Really doing my best to be the best person I can be, on a mental level, physical level, emotional and spiritual level. As impatient as I am, I know it'll take time, but I'm very confident that I can be at a great place by the end of the year. My brain is in overdrive, mind of matter. I got this.
And where I wanted to have that quick fix, or that moment to breath and feel something, I think it's better to figure out my stuff on my own, so I can look back and feel better about myself that I did it. That I've accomplished it and pushed past the hardest time in my life.
I got this.
Feetnote:
I got running shoes... but how do I start running?
This was all gotten from a podcast from local church. Check out thecrossing.com and then click on podcast. There was a series recently on memories. That's where I got it from. Another good series is the love series. That one hit home too.
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