Here we are...

3:50am. Long day. Would have been even longer if I had actually gotten out of bed when I wanted to. The last 3 months and 2 days have been a very... VERY... interesting turn of events. I've never learned so many things about myself, and continue to do so in so many ways. Not like a "what the? where did that mole come from" kind of new things about myself sort of way. More of a "I didn't know I could do that" kind of way. My brain has been filled with so many thoughts, old, new, present tense stuff. My energy has been pulled in so many directions and I'm feeling exhausted, not so much on a physical level, no, not at all (I mean, I'm still awake right?) but more in a mental and emotional level. Which quite honestly I don't recall ever actually happening. I'm tired. I'm tired of so much. And yet, I keep pushing myself. Keep pushing, headstrong into an unknown, by myself. By myself. Interesting. I mean, normally when I would have said that, indicate a solitary action, it would evoke a sense of loneliness. But now... now it's more... hmmm... I don't know what. I'm just in it. I'm knee deep in the mud and I'm still wading through it. It seems to get deeper, but at the same time, easier to walk. Perfect analogy right there. Wading through mud. I'm deep in it, it's taking forever to get to the other side, and yet, for as slow as I'm moving, each day seems just the slighest bit easier to walk. Of course there are off days where I just seem to sink lower and not go anywhere. But On some miniscule, deep feeling, inside, there is a microscopic amount of hope. Which, I guess as long as it's there, things must be getting better. At some point you have to let go, and just... I don't know... just let it happen. It being whatever YOU want to call it. I call it faith... God... I'd say love, but I think saying God will be good enough for me. It's just a struggle. Not being able to just skip ahead to the end of the book, being forced to read the book and analyze each part of the story. That's the real work. Understanding the story. I really am pretty tired. Must... push... on...