The Battle...

The fight in my skull rages on my friends. Conflicts arise, and treaties are broken. The revolution has begun and The Clan of Old Habits are in fact dying hard, as The New Thoughts continue to fight strong.

Sometimes I love my analogies, I think they're quite descriptive and occasionally make me laugh. I've been wanting to write for a few days now, but the last post was, and IS very pivotal for me and I also feel that it could help others as well. So if you still haven't read it, I highly suggest it. Again, as a small warning, it's semi-religious based, so take what you will from it. I've also been adding labels to some of the blogs to properly categorize some of my writings. It's adds a better structure to the blog as a whole. With that being said I might add a new label to show which blogs are my personal favorite. Also, I'd like to state that I don't read what I write. I mean, sometimes I do, but for the most part, I don't ever look back immediately after I write it, and critique, edit, or spell check (well I do spell check while I'm writing). I will typically just write what ever my thoughts are, and the words in my head as if I was speaking in person. It seems to be the best and easiest way for me to empty the thoughts out and allows me to continue moving on throughout my day without an increasing headache.

Now that I've said what I wanted to say, I suppose I should get on with the blog and why I was writing in the first place.
I've started running, kinda. Well... no, I actually am I running. I've been trying to get up at 6am, but 6am turns to 6:30, which turns to 7, to 7:30, and one morning was 8:30. Today, 7am. It's been 4 days! Give me some credit here. Being I was going to bed at 4am a week ago, this isn't too bad. I want to get up at 6, but my bed is so comfortable! And I haven't been sleeping well (friggin dreams man!)
So I start with a 10 mile ride along the pacific coast, which I gotta tell you, is very refreshing. I'll listen to a podcast from my church, and then do some meditating and praying on the way back. That's 30 minutes one way, 30 minutes (roughly). Then once I drop the bike off at home, I just run around the block. The first day was crappy, pushed myself to go as far as I can, but made it about half way? Then I decided to go just a bit further then the last point, and I actually ran a lot slower this time, which really does make a difference. Made it about 5/8ths of the way around the block... which is just a bit more than half for those who don't do math. Today, I made it around 75% of the block. Tomorrow? I aim for the whole block... then THE WORLD! MWAHAHAHAHA. right.

Why all the running? The exercise? Aside from the fact that I'm totally diggin' the body tone I've acquired, and that some of my shorts and pants are fitting way better, I'm working on building structure for myself. The last entry had a brief description of it. If I can build a better foundation for myself, I can build a better structure to build out from. My procrastination is a major key that I need to fix within myself in order to move forward and be the best person I can be. So, if I start getting up at an (outrageously) early time, I can get the exercise in that I need to remain healthy, and focus on my tasks during the day. Before this, I was just kinda, doing whatever, whenever. Middle of the day bike ride kinda takes most of your day away from you. By time I was finally ready to do something, it was 9pm. Not so good really.
I'm also working on limiting my distractions. This is a big deal. Really, the only distraction that has ever been for me is video games. As a guy, most people might assume women, bars, drinking, would be a distraction. And where as the occasional drink, or bar would be enjoyable, it was never cheap. And women? I can pretty much assure you that women haven't been a distraction for me since I was single. Just because other guys think about sex all the time, doesn't mean I do.

I feel that I'm in a pretty healthy position in my life, I'm slowly ridding the darkness, and poison  from my head and body and making a better, more stable... me. I refuse to let time run this one though. My ambitiously lazy self can't abide by that. And I am just too impatient to wait on "time" to move forward. So I'm gonna make it happen faster. My brain is already moving fast enough, just a matter of getting my body to go the same speed.

I got this.

Everyday living

So. Here I am, after a nice 10 mile bike ride, and after listening to my local church podcast from a few weeks ago finally. The message is something I should have heard a long time ago. And I feel very strongly that I need to write about it, because this is something EVERYONE deals with, not just me specifically. I'll start with a verse... wait... let me preface something.
For those of you are readers, or at the very least my friends who are not religious, keep in mind that I have no qualms with what you choose in life, I don't judge you in any way shape or form, it is not my place on this planet to do so. I think you're awesome in your own way. This of course is my point of view, my faith and a part of who I am. SO, if you are at all offended by anything that I say religious wise, I apologize in advance as I am not one to offend on that level. So there's my preface.

Ephesians 4:31-32
"Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you."


Sounds like a pretty good standard for living life. Now the message itself had more to do with memories. Holding on to the bad memories, feeling the resentent, the "what if" feeling, and guilt. So many things going through my brain right now, so please forgive me if this seems sporadic.
I've had a lot going on mentally and emotionally lately, learning various things about myself through an incredible growing process and a full on restructure of my brain. Through this process it has come up that I belittle myself fairly consistently on just about everything I've ever done. Most recently of course, it has also come to my attention that I have extreme guilt and "what ifs" about an ended relationship, as well as other events, but we'll stick to the most recent one.  Learning to accept what I can't change. Learning to let it go is a huge thing for me.

I analyze things, WAY too much. I also like to fix things, and when I feel I can fix it, I want to. Problem is, I need to accept certain things that I can't fix, or change. The past is one of those things. I've been hurt so often from past relationships, and on some level I'm carrying it with me. I need to just accept what can't be changed.

Through the 30 minute podcast, I learned that I need to just give this broken body, not just heart, but all of it, to God. Whereas I thought I had, I truly hadn't. It's a certain level of acceptance for things that I can not change. Holding on to those hurtful memories, those chances I feel I could have fixed something, are only hurting me more. Some things I can't change. Bleh... that left a foul taste in my mouth. I still know what I want, who I want, and what I need. Letting go of the guilt, letting go and realizing that I'm not a failure, that mistakes happen and I need to forgive myself. God forgives everything so that isn't really the issue here for me.
There's 2 approaches to letting go of guilt; condemnation and confession. I've been doing the condemnation thing for a long time. I've confessed mistakes and errors now.

The truth is, I haven't lost it all. It's not that I will never be happy again. I'm being protective now, but chances are I'll find my medium and get to a good par level.

Things I'm currently working on. 
Trying to create a structure for myself.
If I can create a strong foundation, I can start to build myself up, become stronger on all levels. Starting simple is key, just simply getting up early.... 6am? 7am? And going for bike ride, a swim, or dare I say... a run?!?! wth? Wait, I have running shoes?! weird.

Trying to find strength for myself.
A friend recently told me that the trick is to have your own inner strength to pull from, not to depend on someone else for strength. Of course, at the same time, if I need help, don't be so proud or prideful that I can't ask for it. Sometimes weakness happens, and in those cases it's OKAY to ask for help and need help, it doesn't make you a weak person. BUT, what DOES make you a weak person is not having your own inner strength to motivation to get something done. Saying is most definitely different from Doing.

I'm doing my best to accept what I can not change, which is the past. I've accepted those faults that were mine, and that weren't. But accepting those things is only the beginning. Accepting is only half of it. Needing to be preventative for future problems, being aware of my faults and fixing them. Really doing my best to be the best person I can be, on a mental level, physical level, emotional and spiritual level. As impatient as I am, I know it'll take time, but I'm very confident that I can be at a great place by the end of the year. My brain is in overdrive, mind of matter. I got this.

And where I wanted to have that quick fix, or that moment to breath and feel something, I think it's better to figure out my stuff on my own, so I can look back and feel better about myself that I did it. That I've accomplished it and pushed past the hardest time in my life.

I got this.

Feetnote:
I got running shoes... but how do I start running?

Wait... wait... what?

Success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life as by the obstacles which he has overcome.
- Booker T. Washington (1856 - 1915)


We meet again 3 AM. Here we are, facing the inevitable question, why am I still awake?  Only to receive the same *shrug* that I always give. Now... whereas my previous blogs have been, weird, random, and from what I've heard, depressing, I'm gonna change it up a bit. We'll start with a nice change of pace into a happy area, then I'll mosey on down to something that might make you think a bit, or at least give you some more insight into me. 


I just recently finished acting in a play, recently being... Today (yesterday... whatever). It was The Lion, Witch, and The Wardrobe. I had a lot more fun than I thought I would, which I really mean in the nicest way possible of course. I didn't expect a bad time, but with my outside struggles in my life, and trying to negotiate time for the play with the craziness that happened, I'm a little bummed out I hadn't had made it to more rehearsals. Needless to say, the 3 performances we had were awesome. Everyone pulled their acting butt together and the show came out pretty friggin' awesome. Granted, it was my first live stage production, but still, good times were had. The play was done mainly for little kids as a step towards helping with illiteracy. The kids would read the book over the past couple of months, and then be invited to sit and watch the production. One of the coolest parts for me was at the end of the show, we gave autographs. And to see these little children shyly ask for your autograph, was just a humbling experience, and reminded me of the innocence that waved bye bye to me awhile ago.  
Not to discredit anyone or anything about the play, but I'll admit that my own narcissistic tendencies came out and I was very much enjoying the laughter that I caused from my acting, as well the attention that was delivered. Whereas I thought I might not want to do a stage production again for various reasons, I actually think that the reward is quite enjoyable, and wouldn't mind doing another one somewhere else. Plus, it helps that all the people in the play were really awesome and fun to joke around with. It most definitely a great change of pace for me, and was very much needed. If you missed it, and it was because... well, you just didn't want to go, then you suck, but for the very few people that made it out to see me, you're awesome and I owe you a big hug... cause that's all the payment I can afford at the moment. 


Now the other part I wanted to talk about was the quote at the top, here, I'll post it again,
Success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life as by the obstacles which he has overcome.
- Booker T. Washington (1856 - 1915)
I believe that everyone experiences their own turmoil and obstacles and grow and learn from those situations on their own time in their own way. Sometimes doing their best to ignore the problems, but always ending up having to battle it and figure it out eventually. I also believe that it's best NOT to compare to other people. My obstacles are mine, mine alone. Nobody else experiences what I'm experiencing, nobody else knows exactly what's going on. Sure, there's people that can identify with me, the feelings, frustrations and a few thoughts might be the same. But it still remains my own war that I must win. Sometimes I've noticed that while talking to other people, they might have a really bad experiences in their life that don't even equal to mine. Plenty of things come to mind, and many of those things I remain to be incredibly thankful for. I still have a roof over my head, I have a great family and amazing friends, and my health, for the most part, is good. I'm not sick or dying. I'm very capable of running and walking. With that all said, I'd like to actually focus on the quote here. I've always thought, in regards to just me, that to be successful in life, I had to gain some level of financial stature or socially accepted property. Because of that thought, I've consistently belittled my own achievements, never giving credit to any of them, let alone acknowledge that I actually did something. But this quote destroys that theory. Some of the experiences and situations I've dealt with were tough for me. I emphasize "me" because that's the truth. Those obstacles, that might seem so simple and easy for other people, was not for me, and some continue to this day to be difficult, but the war is not over till the battles have all been won. Side note: I apologize for the military references, it's due to a stupid Facebook strategy game. I guess what I'm saying is that this quote, in one quick simple way, helped me realize just how jacked up my thoughts have been. 
Plus, someone said something today that helped me realize that there is more to this obstacle thing. It always gets worse before it gets better. That sounds real pessamistic, but honestly, I don't think it is. If you're at your lowest, then things can ONLY get better right? If you are really sick, the worst feeling you get at the peek of the sickness is just your body fighting it hardcore, doing it's best to gain the upper hand. 
Last point:
I've also realized that I'm in a "learning phase." One of the coolest things about life is that you can make it whatever you want it to be. If I wanted to, I could just get up, empty my bank account and just drive somewhere else and start over, completely. Of course that would be insane given the people and responsibilities I have, but still. The idea that even at 65 or even 80, if I wanted to learn something, I could do it... just because I wanted to. There are so many open opportunities for learning things it's ridiculous. I just like the idea of being able to still have that chance. Of course... responsibilities come into play; bills mainly, but I suppose for other people it would include house, car, family, career, ect. 
I think I'm rambling now and not making much sense, and since I've been writing for about 30 min, I should probably stop. 


Guess I'll try and sleep now.


Footnote (cause I don't like PS)
I miss _____

Here we are...

3:50am. Long day. Would have been even longer if I had actually gotten out of bed when I wanted to. The last 3 months and 2 days have been a very... VERY... interesting turn of events. I've never learned so many things about myself, and continue to do so in so many ways. Not like a "what the? where did that mole come from" kind of new things about myself sort of way. More of a "I didn't know I could do that" kind of way. My brain has been filled with so many thoughts, old, new, present tense stuff. My energy has been pulled in so many directions and I'm feeling exhausted, not so much on a physical level, no, not at all (I mean, I'm still awake right?) but more in a mental and emotional level. Which quite honestly I don't recall ever actually happening. I'm tired. I'm tired of so much. And yet, I keep pushing myself. Keep pushing, headstrong into an unknown, by myself. By myself. Interesting. I mean, normally when I would have said that, indicate a solitary action, it would evoke a sense of loneliness. But now... now it's more... hmmm... I don't know what. I'm just in it. I'm knee deep in the mud and I'm still wading through it. It seems to get deeper, but at the same time, easier to walk. Perfect analogy right there. Wading through mud. I'm deep in it, it's taking forever to get to the other side, and yet, for as slow as I'm moving, each day seems just the slighest bit easier to walk. Of course there are off days where I just seem to sink lower and not go anywhere. But On some miniscule, deep feeling, inside, there is a microscopic amount of hope. Which, I guess as long as it's there, things must be getting better. At some point you have to let go, and just... I don't know... just let it happen. It being whatever YOU want to call it. I call it faith... God... I'd say love, but I think saying God will be good enough for me. It's just a struggle. Not being able to just skip ahead to the end of the book, being forced to read the book and analyze each part of the story. That's the real work. Understanding the story. I really am pretty tired. Must... push... on... 

What... am... I.... doing....

Sometimes when I type my brain goes faster than I can handle. That sounds like a pride thing, or that I'm bragging, but I'm not. I have too many thoughts to slow down sometimes and with the new healthy diet and such, I feel like I'm having a harder time concentrating on anything... which isn't quite a good thing. So I'll apologize in advance for a sporadic listing of thoughts that might occur as I continue to type my brain snot onto the screen.

For starters, I've noticed that I have a mystery follower. Which at first I was very happy about. Well, actually I'm still happy about it, cause now I'm writing for someone else besides myself, although I supposed I should still just continue to write for me since that's what I've always done on this thing, and writing for someone else now might change how I actually type. Yay, a run-on sentence! So to the "mystery" follower (oooooo... mystery! scary!) I will say "Hi" and welcome to my blog of randomness and sometimes non-sense that drips out of my ears on the internets... interwebs? This thing that floats around in cyberspace. Congrats, you found me. (I'll laugh now if I suddenly have no more follower after this post) Dang it! (allow me to elaborate on that exclamatory on the next paragraph)

Recently I've been discovering way more than I want to about myself (read the blog "Taking a Chance" to catch up). The most recent discovery is that I have a great habit (use sarcasm font for the word great) to belittle any alleged achievements that I've apparently made. For example, I have an Associates Degree from a junior college. Apparently that's an awesome thing. But I was in school for 6 years before finally getting it. Ya, a junior college... 6 years... not much of an achievement. My sister went to college for 4 and walked away with a Bachelors, and I know another amazing woman who has a bachelors and a masters, and I'm sure a ton of other pieces of paper that say she's pretty smart. Look, I don't NEED a paper that says I'm smart in a specific field of study, it would be nice for the social ramifications, but need? I'm a smart guy. Unfortunately my procrastination skills are par to none and very impressive, and being that I seem to ALWAYS land on my feet, get by with the greatest of ease and absorb how things work abnormally fast; due to all of those skills and traits, is why I'm where I am at today. Knowing the problem is half the battle apparently. Whereas some would say at least I learned this at a young age, well... first off, I might look 21, and occasionally act like a 15 year old, but I don't think 31 is really qualifying in the young department as much. Aren't 30s middle aged? Or is it 40s now? Whatever, I need to learn to take joy in something with regards to myself. So here goes...

(big breath)... ... ... .... ya... I got nothing. I'll feel better when I get win this battle. I've got some really great "leaders" in my life... and I use leaders, cause the word counselors makes me feel a little uneasy. I have a direction, and finally some hope. Oh, and it doesn't hurt to up the game a bit by taking some Omega-3 vitamin pills, right? Am I right? Ya... this guy knows what I'm talking about. (point to steroid induced athlete)

So in ending my one person conversation, I'll say that I'm actually a lot meaner to myself than to others. Which I think if anyone ever saw how I am to people I think are idiots, or have experienced my extreme wit, they would know that that's not a good thing. So here's a toast (my favorite toast ever) May the best of your past, be the worst of your future... but since we're drinking to me (which you shouldn't be at 10:50am) just change all the "your"s to "my"s.

PS

I miss watching cartoon movies in the theater.

Another turn...

Another turn to make a u-turn at a road that was a path that used to be less traveled has become my undoing. It's a path I've walked and ran, and sat and cried on that now has gum stains and rubber tracks. I've disappeared into a forest to make friends with nature, only to discover that Smokey isn't a bear, but a very large beaver with an abnormal tail. I'm searching for answers in a library filled with picture books when I'm color blind. The weirdness of the randomness that has happened in the sphere of awkward permeates through my hair follicles to my brain, only to distort the world around me. Beer goggles makes night vision sleepy. I can't function with the railroad spike in my chest, but I seem to be running wild with the swarm of bees in my skull. It's a funny thing that laughter happens when my nose hairs tickle, but breathing doesn't do it. I've mixed the chemicals wrong only to protect the concoction of a virus that has spread from my finger tips to my ears and back down my spine. Ah, what a glorious day it was when it might have happened the other day months ago, but the time king spit on me and broke the mirror and pissed on the greener grass. Damn you, you fool! I was going to mow it down and plant daisies there anyways, but my lawn mower broke and I can't find the right parts to get it going. Doesn't matter anyways, the neighbor moved and took all the dirt. So I'll just cover it up with duct tape, cement glue, plaster, clay, play-doh, silly putty, wood glue, elmer's glue, gorilla tape, scotch tape, sand, cement, construction paper, and then drop a giant metal door with a super lock combo so nobody can get to it. Because that was MY planter and nobody can't plant anything there anymore. But I'm not pouting. Nope, that would be stupid for me to pout for something that disappeared and wasn't mine to begin with. Nope. I'm making a claim of my personal fortune and future empire and standing on my mountain looking down on all the happy people as I stand there in the wind, like Peter Pan. Just... breathing. Admiring in jealousy and envy. I will never have everything that I can't have in the world of perfection because it's been shattered by the very rock that I tried to skip on the surface when I was a kid. Ah, my inner child just got lost in the mall and I'm debating if I want to find him or leave him for adoption. There's a strong possibility that his undying romantized hopefulness will one day disembark for eternity, where I would be stuck with an old man pretending that he didn't crap his pants because he doesn't want to be old. What a weird story to dictate to the nonexistent children that never spawned because I was too stubborn to acknowledge the rightfulness of my ways. Ah, to live and die in a realm of absolute ridiculously wired knots. I hate the love that burns my chest. Get me a glass of water, maybe that will calm the stitches. Good times indeed.

Taking a Chance...

So, in keeping with the title of my blog, "Personal Chaos", I'm going to be very open about some very personal information. As I don't quite feel anyone actually reads this anyways, and the people close to me who want to know what's going on already know, I'll just talk about it here. What the hell right?

Well, my non-existent readers, turns out I have a problem with depression, or emotional instability. How did I come to this conclusion? Well, after making a half-semi-poor judgement call and breaking up with someone I love, I then continued to spiral out of control to a dark place that I was once at before. No, no, not a dark room, or a cave. I'm talking about a taboo word for people with depression... ya know... suicide? Ya, that place. I was there. I looked it right in the bottle. No dice. Instead I did what every depressed lunatic wouldn't do, reach out for help. After 3 months of extreme analyzing, I've come to many conclusions. 1) I've been like this since I was a kid. 2) I've completely separated my intellect from my feelings, so I have no communication between the two. 3) I've always put on the face of a happy guy because that's what people expect to see from me.

Those are just a few examples. I was on watch by some friends, and family. There's lots of love surrounding me, and lots of prayer. I've been seeing a therapist now for a couple weeks. It's been very interesting and eye opening. I'm learning so much each week and my brain is killing me. I mean seriously, it's killing me. I have to re-wire 31 years of habits and thoughts. That's like... well, like a lot of things that involve wires, or knots... or both. My sporadic mood swings (from very sad to a random par level) usually happen at night, or briefly when I first wake up. I've done real well to keep most of my feelings and such from outside sources and won't let anyone see them. I've always bottled up my emotions and set it aside to be dealt with later. Unfortunately that's one of the major problems; procrastination. I've been doing it since I was a kid, and now I'm still doing it. Not only did I do it with projects, but with my own emotions. I've been thinking in every direction now and I'm not even getting warmed up. It's mind boggling how bad my situation really is. I also discovered my lack of communication in a relationship in regards to my feelings is all due to the same procrastination feeling. Today I learned that I belittle my "alleged" achievements and tear myself down, as well not understanding why someone would be proud of me. It's a mess in the attic. Nice cage, crazy birdy. So ya, how's all that information for ya? That's been my last few months, and it's been hell, how has yours been? And this whole time, even though family and friends are there, I've still felt alone. Prayer only works so much. I've tried more distractions and attempts at reaching out to others, even as far as my lost love. But alas, my attempts have failed, and apparently I will be forced to go it alone. Into the darkness I go, to fight and hopefully slay these demons. I just wish I could be home before dawn, but I fear this may take WAY longer that I'm expecting. I'm sure there's a ton of other stuff to say, but this might still be a bit too much to comprehend all at once. Just know that I'm still breathing, and that the regular blogs will continue... or the kinda regular blogs will... that is if you read this crap.

PS. Keep in mind that I have been getting my exercise, my sunlight, and eating correctly to try and stop the poison from eating me whole. So far... not much of an improvement.

A Bunch of Random thoughts in a bowl

I'm not a mean guy at my core, I just make stupid mistakes.

Seriously though, like the title says. I come across as a pretty aggressive and witty guy who won't let you get away with fowling up an insult and saying something stupid. Of course, I expect my friends to call me out on it as well. But occasionally I make mistakes. Nobody is perfect, and most definitely me (although I am kinda close to it). The problem with making mistakes is that it tends to hurt people. Half the time I don't even know I'm doing it, hurting people that is. Lately of course I've been trying to be more aware of it, as sometimes it comes across to the people I actually care about to be in a serious tone instead of a half mocking tone. Of course there are always those times when I just actually make a mistake that doesn't involve any witty retort that was offensive. And I do pray that in those circumstances that the people that were hurt realize that I'm really not that mean at my core. Really, I swear! With that in mind I'm sure the people who actually know me will understand that.

Staring into the Mountains and Beyond

So this last weekend was a busy one as I was in Arizona. Ya ya, why would anyone go to Arizona, right? I don't know. Never figured it out. Because it's cheap? Whatever. Not worth it. Anyways. On the way back I was staring out into the distance. I'm sure everyone has done this at one point or another in their life, watch as the things in the distance move slower then the things closest to you. But that's just it right there. I really found a crazy metaphorical and philosophical outlook to this whole "distance staring thing". It's so simple, that I couldn't believe I hadn't realized it before. We stare out into the distance at the mountains, and watch as they get closer and start to move by faster. While at the same time the things right in front of us move by so fast that it's hard to even notice or acknowledge them. I think it's the same for life. Say the mountains are our goals, right? And the little bushes and trees and fences or what have you in front are just the small obstacles that go by real fast when we get past them. It seems like the "mountains" are SOOO far away, and yet each passing second we're actually getting closer. Another way to look at it is this; The Mountains could be something we don't have, something we want. We're so focused on those mountains and the distance it is from us and how impossible it seems to reach it, that we lose sight of the small things in front of us, and how quickly they are passing us by. I think I fluctuate between the two theories. Sometimes I'm looking at my goals and thinking "This is impossible, so much distance to cover, I'll never get there." But then on the other side of things, I'm thinking in terms of a past relationship, or something I don't have now and how I lost sight of what was right in front of me, and if I wasn't driving by so fast I might have noticed more and appreciated more. Of course this can be taken numerous ways and I've been doing my best to really take sometime and say thank you the friends and family that have been there for me, especially... ESPECIALLY lately as life's little roller coaster is making me kinda sick. But I'm hopeful that a the new track laid out in front of me will have minor bumps and require less maintenance work.

Jerry Springer Never had these final thoughts

My final thoughts on this 3 part blog-fest is gonna be different than previous blogs because I'm adding an element that I don't believe I've added before. Religion. Yes, I'm religious. Christian in fact. And not your typical hypocritical, I do what I want and ask for forgiveness cause I can, type of Christian. I have a pretty good moral compass (which doesn't really pertain to religious stuff) but I also have a very strong faith. With that said I've come across, via my awesome android bible app on my phone, some pretty awesome Bible quotes. Now for starters, many/some of you are not religious, not a believer, not anything really. Sure there's doubts, probably about the Bible. But you can't deny that there's a lot of poetry in the words and when you get right down to it, it's just pretty sweet to read. So without further ado, here's a few I've come across.

Proverbs 15:31-32

If you listen to constructive criticism, you will be at home among the wise. If you reject discipline, you only harm yourself; but if you listen to correction, you grow in understanding.

Jeremiah 29:11-12

For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen.

I think that last one, is way more religious than the first. But despite that, I still love it. Hope is a requirement that I'm in need of, and prayer is as well. There's a lot of things swirling around me at the moment and the wind has changed and I'm setting sail soon. Who's on board to help me with my new adventure?

Um, not quite the way I wanted to end this blog. So we'll try it a different way. Thank you. Thank you to all those who have been there for me in my time of need and continue to do so, I'm eternally grateful and blessed to have met you have you in my life. I'm getting stronger on a lot of levels and it's thanks to most of you. Well, that seemed to be more personal than I thought. *shrug* not like anyone reads this brain vomit anyways, right?