My Stability Year of 2012

Ah, 2012, what can I say? Every year, on this date, I like to look back at what the year brought me, what it taught me, and where I've been. 2011 was a year of growth; incredible mental, emotional, and spiritual growth. This year, has been a year of stability.

But I believe that you don't accomplish a full year without growing and learning about yourself. Sure, you can't turn back time, and you can't stop the clock at midnight to learn something, but it's for that exact reason I sit here tonight and write this final blog entry.

I find this ironic. Well, maybe not ironic, as it's not really a definition of irony, but more of an unfortunate way of learning. You see, for the better part of a year, let's say 10 months, I've wanted nothing to do with relationships. Yes, I'm diving right into this conversation, so buckle-up. I was turned off completely by the idea of relationships, so much so, that I tried to make it apparent in my outside behavior and mannerisms. The concept of having a relationship astounded me. Why would anyone willing put themselves in a situation that left them completely vulnerable. It sounded WAY too dangerous to me. But of course, based on my past, that would make sense to me.

I'm going to deviate from this for a minute and bring up something that I will attempt to use as an example.
I'm not typically one to watch new TV shows. I'm a little picky about what I watch, and I have to be intrigued enough to jump into a new a series. With many friends and family talking about it, I've jumped onto the "How I Met Your Mother" band wagon. I'll refer to it from now on as HIMYM.
For those who haven't ever watched this show, let me explain a couple of the characters and my take on them as individuals.
First there's the Marshal; an all around good guy. He's that goofy, lovable guy. He's just the right amount of super nice and sweet, with a splash of backbone and sticking up for what he believes in. He stays with the woman he first falls in love with and knows exactly how to provide for her. He represents how a real, easy, loving relationship should be; marrying his best friend. (sorry for the spoiler, but it's super predictable in the show).
Secondly, there's Barney; a selfish, prideful, vanity stricken, womanizer, who believes in one night stands and money. He's always wearing a suit and believes in having epic, sorry, LEGENDARY nights with drinking, women, his "wingman" and the occasional bout of Laser Tag. He constantly speaks his mind, and isn't afraid to prove his point, even if it requires him to be the a-hole of the group and "win". He's typically a pretty big douche, but in the end, he still cares about his friends and their well being.
Thirdly, there's Ted. Ted is an interesting fellow. A combination of both of these characters, Ted has the super nice guy thing down pat, but his over analyzing brain, and his obsession with romance and romantic moments and gestures is pretty extreme. (Analyzing and Romantic? Sound familiar?). He's overly picky about who he wants to marry, he has his life planned out to a "T", and has difficulty letting go of, well... almost anything.


Now, the reason I've explained this, is because I found that the last month has been a plethora of new information and changes in myself. Like I said, I didn't want a relationship. I was of course open to having fun and enjoying time with someone, but I didn't want the drag down of a relationship. As the year progressed, so did the concept. It changed from not wanting to do anything, to maybe going out once or twice. It changed again from going out once or twice, to maybe hanging out more often with someone of the opposite sex. It changed AGAIN to being open to the idea of someone coming around and actually asking me on a date.
The progression of this has been an odd sort of symbolism. I use the word "odd" on purpose, but I find it exactly that. Various conversations with people have triggered different thoughts in my head. Watching couples, watching singles, being single, people watching in general, the RIDICULOUS amount of engagements (seriously, 5 in one week? 3 on one day? Comeon people!!!), the INCREDIBLE amount of baby pictures; all of which put various thoughts in my head. It got my thinking. and for awhile, I was opposed to all of it, but slowly but surely a little seed began to grow. It started with a brand new home theater. Yes, I'm bragging about it again because I couldn't be more proud of myself for finally accomplishing a dream I've had since I was a kid. But really, it made me more aware of something.
My own place is amazing. My couch is super comfortable (I'm sleeping here tonight). And my home theater is a total dream. But it's not as awesome as it could be. This is where HIMYM comes in.
As horrible as it may sound, I thought I would want to be Barney. He's clever, witty, and the suits... good lord, THE SUITS! Seriously, if I could wear a suit everyday, I so totally would in a heart beat. I do love a good suit. The High Fives he's always asking for? I do that. The "Legend - wait for it - ary" that he always says, well, I always say Epic. There are a small similarities between us in that regards. The honesty and straight forwardness of his personality, I hope, would be me as well. The concept of never having a relationship, well, that was something I pretended and strongly tried to believe in.
Being Marshal? That waved bye bye a long time ago. I, unfortunately, identify with Ted. I don't like Ted that much for exact reason he's much like me. Over analyzing, overly romantic, and way too picky. He brings my major traits to the surface and makes me see them for how ridiculous they might be. But as ridiculous and crazy as it is, I still won't change that.

I know I'm all over the place here, but please try and stay with me. I got the home theater and realized, that I can invite friends or family over now and we can all watch a movie and such. But after a few weeks, it occurred to me, they can't be here all the time, they can't fill that weird empty void of watching a movie on my couch with me. If they did, it would be super creepy and weird, and kinda gross. I believe you know what I'm talking about.
So let's fast forward to my trip to New York for Christmas. Which was INCREDIBLE! I love being able to see my whole family. I love my sister and brother-in-law. And like I've said before, they are an inspiration to me. They are friends, best-friends, and lovers, and it completely shows in everything they do. Individuals that share life together. A wondrous fairy tale relationship. Two things that I realized on my trip; I love what they have and I can't be around people for longer than a few days. I definitely need some quiet down time to myself occasionally and, personally, I don't find that wrong.
Wanting what they had was a weird experience. It was envy or jealousy, it was just a romantic hope for myself.
So, here we are, right now. I'm sick. Not just sick mind you, but I feel the worst I've ever felt in a very very long time. Let me make the list for you, yes? Good. Numbness of toes and fingers, intense headaches that feel like my eyes will explode out of my head at any minute, night sweats, total shivering during the day, labored breathing, uncontrollable bouts of hacking, running nose, back pains, joint pains, scratchy throat, dizziness, and that's just a good day.
I'm a total baby when it comes to being sick. I'm not good at it, not that anyone is, but most people still know how to function  as a human being. So being home, by myself, with no one to take care of me, and barely able to move out of bed, well, it kinda makes you yearn for someone to be there to help you, ya' know? I know, I know, it may sound pathetic, but screw you, I don't like being sick and I wanna be spoiled dang it!

I've listed a lot of things here, being sick, being alone, going to NY, getting a home theater, watching HIMYM. Like I said, this year has been about stability. I got my own place, I have a great job, I've got friends and family, and experienced a whole new side of being single and alone that I never thought I'd have before. I'm truly blessed, and if you believe in him or not, I thank God for all of it. I could have been dead, I could have had a no family, or friends, and I could have been living on the streets right now. My ideals of not having a relationship, I feel, have been proven to be absurd. I still like the concept, no doubt about it, but being sick, watching episodes of HIMYM in marathon form, and witnessing parts of my life flash before my eyes, well, being alone on NYE isn't very romantic. Being sick on NYE isn't any better. But if anything, it's made me realize that the "for sickness and in health" part of a relationship, is pretty damn important. Because when you are alone, there really isn't anyone to do anything for you. You have to do it yourself, and sometimes doing things yourself, on your own, solo, single, etc etc, well.... that kinda sucks.


Lastly, I'd like to end with this. 2012, you were a gift. A wonderful, magnificent gift. You allowed me to finally become comfortable and stable in who I am, and what I do. Finally gaining my own individuality in my own place (and bachelor life) has given me new hope for an incredible future. I've made a lot of great friends, and lost a few as well I'm sure. Next year is a year of change. I have big hopes for you 2013. It's gonna be a crazy awesome year. Now, if I could just kick this stupid cough that would be great.
Thanks to everyone who inspired me and helped me out this year. Those of you who listened to me drone on about possible bad choices, complain about mistakes made, or just give me a hug when I didn't even know I needed one. Thanks for all your patience with me, as I know I have an incredible habit of just disappearing. Please note, that probably won't change, so I apologize in advance. I just appreciate all of you, and I hope you're all safe tonight, and ready for a year that will be epic. 

The writings in my head

I've found that most of my blog entries should be recorded while I'm driving somewhere, because that's when I talk to myself... out loud. Oh come on, don't look at me like that! You do it too!! Everyone does it. Okay, maybe not full conversations, but it's my way of processing, so shut up!
I'm just saying, if I had a tape recorder going that auto-dictated my every word while I spoke, I'd have an interesting blog entry. Unfortunately, most of those "in car convos" are soon forgotten after I leave the car. I have had some great thoughts during those excursions.

********************************* (subject change, that's why I made this line)

I think that at a certain point it becomes pointless to go back and re-read what I wrote, because most likely I wouldn't write anymore. I have a horrible habit of repeating myself, and I'd rather live in the "ig-nant bliss" space and not think about it. Even though, I'm sure I've already stated the following.

This time of year really eats me alive. Not the shopping, not the people, but the atmosphere is what does it. The nice crisp chill in the air. The smell of happiness and romance (yes, that has a smell). There's an odd sense of wonder that happens to cross my face, as I people watch. People watching at a bar is one thing. Those people are only there for one thing, typically. But people watching at night out front of a movie theater. You notice things. Like the couple who were in a warm hug embrace going up the escalator. After smiling at each other, they leaned in for a simple loving kiss. I had never actually witnessed it before, but a simple kiss turned into a way more passionate kiss. It was, inspiring, and for lack of a better term, romantic. I actually felt like the escalator slowed down to give them more time. Couples holding hands, arm in arm, arm around shoulder; all examples of people in relationships, and the varying degrees of their seriousness.

I attribute the weather to this atmospheric condition. The colder it gets, the more people want to be with another person. Obviously. It's friggin' cold! I live in a mobile home. Don't get me wrong, I love it. But the truth is, these tin cans add another 10 degrees to the weather if it's hot, or another -10 if it's cold. I typically run pretty hot. I've been called a furnace by my ex. But even in this weather, I'm gettin' chilly.

***********************************(this will all tie in together, trust me)

So I got my home theater setup. It's amazing. 55 inch TV, surround sound, the whole thing. Just incredible. I almost cried when I got it all setup. It really was a dream since I was a kid to have my own high end system. I always thought it would just be so awesome to play video games with my friends on a big screen, watch movies with family and friends and just enjoy the TV to it's full extent.
Then, after sitting down and watching a movie, I realized something. This was not what I had expected. (here's where I tie it together people)

I'm alone. Granted, it's by choice of course. But to be honest, I haven't been in a relationship in almost 2 years now. I believe that's a decent amount of time to figure myself out, sure. I've dated, sortaspeak, but nothing really panned out. Mostly due in part to my own dis-interest in the subject, and my want for just some friendly company without any expectations. Now though, well... now the whole thing is upside down.

Here I am, sitting, looking at everything I've gained and worked for and been completely and utterly blessed with, and who can I share it with? Sure, sure, I have friends. But really, most of them are busy leading their lives with their respective families, and loved ones. I know they'll always be there for me, and that's not the point I'm trying to make. My point is, that this road I'm on, well, it's not as enjoyable as I had once imagined it would be.
I really do love my alone time, and God knows I have plenty of it. But what good is going on an adventure if you can't share it with someone close to you? Ya know? Sure, I'm looking forward to my trip to Holland next year. I'm looking forward to a lot of things I'll be doing on my own. But that doesn't change the fact that it would be nice to enjoy the company of a love interest.

Again, I'm going to contribute this state of mind to the aforementioned weather.... kind of.

Movivated Inspiration

Two words tend to escape my vocabulary quite frequently; motivation and inspiration. Sure, I've used the word "inspiring" or some variation thereof, but it's typically just in passing or as a "space filler" in a sentence to convey the point I'm trying to make. Really, though, it's rare for me to be truly inspired. Of course, there was this one time a song really hit me at my core and I drew for hours listening to that song on repeat the whole time. And no, I wasn't high... or drunk. Unfortunately, that song doesn't have the same effect it did back then.
A few other times I had been inspired artistically by the romantical relationships I had been in, triggering the romantic artist in me. Always a nice moment to be able to reflect upon and tap into when needed (or wanted).

But honestly, not much inspires me. It's a definite rarity. I absolutely feel that the inspiration begets motivation. If I'm inspired by something, I become energized and motivated to accomplish whatever I'm inspired to do.

A few weeks ago I wrote about passion, or my lack of for that matter, and my quest to figure it out. I may have figured it out tonight. If I'm passionate about something, then when someone, or something, does the thing that I'm passionate about with such amazingness, then I'll become inspired and motivated to move towards that level of amazingness, right? I mean, in theory that makes total sense, "passion = inspiration + motivation".
My answer? Movies. Okay, okay, wait. Let me explain. "Devil's Advocates" might go on to say things like, "Many people are inspired by music, that doesn't mean they should make music". No. It most definitely shouldn't, because most of those people suck at singing and shouldn't be anywhere outside of the car or the shower when attempting. But when I see, watch, hear, a performance of such incredible caliber that just entraps me into a world of unimaginable wonder curiosity; when I'm brought into my own bubble and forget the reality that exists; then I know I've discovered something raw and total "truth".

I'm not going to go any further. I feel that this is a good lead in to my next blog which I think might be my wrap up for the year. Which, if you haven't noticed, is a yearly thing. Actually, I'll probably write again before the 31st, as I've got more ideas floating around in my head that need emptying. Some very interesting thoughts and new directions are coming soon. 

Givethanksing: Best Holiday

So, my favorite holiday ever is Thanksgiving. My least favorite would have to be Christmas. Don't misinterpret that in thinking that I don't like the "meaning" of Christmas. I do. But corporate America has ruined that holiday. This year they even tried to ruin mine. But instead, made it better. Thanks Corporate America!

I have had some bad Thanksgivings in the past; various relationships preventing me being able to truly enjoy that day with my family. If there's one thing in this world I've learned over the last couple of years, it's that I need my family. Before I go into that tangent, I should explain why this holiday is my favorite.

It's the one day of the whole year designated to be THANKFUL for what we have; food, bed, family and friends. The corporations typically only advertise for Christmas, and the few commercials out there for Thanksgiving is to buy food and celebrate with your family, albeit friends or blood related. I love it. Sure, I can see my family most any day of the year if I wanted to. And I'm constantly always thankful for everything I've learned, gained and even lost. But it's a day I can actually use to reflect back on the lessons I've had to learn. The chaotic life obstacles that I had to figure out how to hurdle, climb, struggle, and grow through. It's a time that I can really appreciate where I came from, how I got here, and who was there for me along the way. I've got some amazing friends who have always been by my side despite my crazy, overly thinking, and sometimes outrageous thought processing. My family who loves me regardless of the horrible life choices I make, and will support me and help me stand back up after I completely fail and fall flat on my face.
I will never forget the family of friends I have that kept their hands out to me and welcomed me into their life, teaching me indirectly through their love for their spouse, for their hobbies, or just for me. For people who don't believe in God, that's fine. But when I look at the people I have in my life, and the situations I have incurred here on this planet; whereas it may not have been as bad for me compared to some; I can only, logically, come to the rightful conclusion that I am blessed. Whatever you want to believe, God, the universe, etc, I know I have been blessed.
I can't completely get behind the idea that "positive people" gravitate to other "positive people" because when we are down and out, people will still show up and help. Gives me hope for humanity in this crazy selfish greedy world.

Now when I say I need my family, I mean it. I've grown to the idea that I don't need anyone, that I only need myself and to be able to rely on just my own abilities. But unfortunately that can only go so far. It's true, I should be able to rely on my own instincts and skills to survive this world. I need to remain an individual and be able to be self-reliant. But when I trip, when I stumble, when I get clumsy and start to slip, it's nice to know that that invisible safety net is there for me; my family. Seeing them this weekend and hanging out with them, spending time with them, laughing, eating, drinking; it's just a gift. I didn't realize how much I feed off of the energy of others, because this has just been a really nice recharge for me. Dinner, games, shopping, movies, laughing, and being lazy with some of the greatest people I know. Just awesome.

Not really sure what else to say but Thank you. Thank you to every person who knows me personally.
Thank you to those who take the time to listen to me. Thank you to those who randomly smile and wave.
Thank you to those friends who laugh at my stupid jokes when they really aren't that funny. Thanks for listening to my stories that I'm sure I've already told you before, yet you listen anyways like it's the first time you heard it. Thanks for dancing with me, even though I may step on your feet, pull your arm too hard, go off beat, and occasionally bump you into someone else on the dance floor. Thank you the hugs. Seriously, thank you for the hugs. I don't care who you are, sometimes you just need a hug and to be told "Hey, you're pretty awesome" (self-confidence only goes so far people). Thanks for the high fives. Thanks for dealing with my crap, hearing me whine, and having a drink with me. Thanks for watching me make mistakes, but not disowning me, completely. Thanks for being a mistake, hahaha. Thanks for helping me learn. Thanks for being an example of love. Thanks for being an example of what not to be; stupid.

But really, thanks for the hugs.

Oh, and thanks for reading.

-Mr. J

Weirdtobe Passions

My Octobers are always so weird and filled with so many odd random crazy memories. I'm not about to get into the gorey details, but I can say that I've met most of my relationships in October, I've had major life experiences in that month, and pretty much anything revolving around romance or the like, has happened in that month. Overall, it's always filled with changes, and learning.  Good times this last month though, that's for  sure. Life is always a wild ride, low points allow you to enjoy the high points even more.
And... that's about all I gotta say about that. What I really wanted to talk about was passion.

I've been thinking about this a lot lately, passion. I have a lot of friends that are driven and have some serious life passions. For instance, I have plenty of friends who are incredibly passionate about their dancing. They constantly go out, improve, learn, compete, and listen to all things related to their particular dance style and genre. They are constantly striving to better themselves and their skills and will constantly pursue that arena for the sheer fact that they feel so strongly about it. It's admirable and inspiring.

I feel like everyone has something that they are crazy about; their kids, their wife, their job, their hobbies, tons of things. But I think there's something important here. Whereas this is all great and fine, I think that as soon as someone defines themselves by that passion, they risk some serious insanity.
Think about it, if that person defines themselves as "I am, because of [job] or [hobby] or [person]" and then that object/skill is suddenly stripped from them, then they would completely lose all sense of self and fall into some chaotic form of depression or self loathing. Defining yourself by your passions is potential for self destruction.

On the flip side of this, I've tried to figure out what I'm passionate about. And I couldn't think of anything. There isn't one thing that I could live without. I'd rather not include family and friends on this subject, as I love them dearly and obviously wouldn't want to lose any of them. But to have something that I enjoy thoroughly and have become driven to succeed at, or passionate about, I can't think of any one thing in particular. Sure, I love doing a lot of things; dancing, artwork, writing, running, hiking, video games, etc etc. But I'm not dependant about that stuff. And luckily, I've never defined myself by what I do, wear, or who/what I know. I know who I am, I don't need something or someone to define who I am to other people. I let my personality and words/actions do that for me.

I suppose if I'm going to have to pick something I'm passionate about, it's that I'm passionate about having fun. Sure, that might be a completely weak and go-to lame excuse, but it's the only thing that makes sense to me. I love making people laugh. I love having fun, being witty and sarcastic, and being able to lighten the mood, even if it's uncalled for. But even still, to say I'm passionate about any of that, doesn't really fit the definition that I've already set prior in this entry.

Personally, I feel like I should have SOMETHING that motivates me and gets me excited, but the truth is, I'm excited to do anything fun and awesome. Despite my past personality quirks, I really do love a good challenge, and enjoy the accomplishment of finishing that task, learning that skill, and saying "Hey, I did that, I may have totally sucked at it, but I tried it!" So that's still a win in my book.

Maybe I just haven't found that thing to drive me. Maybe I should just pick a direction and drive there. Maybe I should just hire someone to drive for me. Maybe I'll just learn to fly instead. Up, Up and AWWWWWWWAAAAAAYYYY!

The bump on my forehead

My horrible habit of reading my blog entries AFTER I've posted them, is biting me in the butt. I'm just putting that out there at the beginning of this entry in hopes that I remember to re-read this again before posting it.

I have a few flaws in my character that I feel need to be addressed. I think my stubbornness is a little ridiculous. Okay... very ridiculous. I tend to make an opinion about something, and will refuse to budge from it, which isn't very healthy. Which brings me to the next flaw, I don't like being wrong. I don't mind admitting when I'm wrong. Heck, I've made a lot of mistakes in life (as most people do), and I've learned and grew from those mistakes. What I'm talking about is when I tend to get overly specific on an opinion that I will constantly claim a certain belief with, and then when I realize it's not a great plan, I'll be too stubborn to back down from the first opinion because I made such a stink about it to begin with.
That sentence was such a generalized nondescript piece of nonsense. Even now, my stubbornness holds me back from admitting that I may have made a mistake in my personal views.

Sigh.

So far the theme for me the last few weeks have been relationships. I've been watching and observing people on every level. Seriously, I've seen two people just start off courting each other, the next stage of dating, the stage after that for a relationship, then the long term relationship, then the love, then the engagement, then the marriage, the living together, etc etc. I feel like I've seen everything. So, knowing that I've been a strong advocate for being single, forever, what happens today? Allow me to paint this picture for you, I wake up at 9:30am, after a long night out with some friends. The place is empty. Just me. Quiet and peaceful. I had no plans. Nothing. I was free to be as lazy and boring as I wanted.. Now, I'm not sure where this feeling or, dare I say, yearning, came from, but (and I absolutely hate to admit to this) I really just wanted to watch a movie on my couch and, ugg, cuddle with someone. Not just someone, but a female of romantic interest.
First off, words I don't like saying: cuddle and cute. Don't get me wrong, I love both, but I hate using those words. *shrug* I'm not sure why, so don't bother asking. The point here is that the thought of having someone who was with me for a relationship, to just sit and watch a movie with, and make dinner for, well, it wasn't a fleeting thought. Those thoughts normally just sweep through my brain for a half second, then something happens to reminds me. But nothing did! That's annoying is what it is. I'd been such an advocate for this single life, that now, all of a sudden, the idea of having someone on my arm is a... good... idea????

I still love being by myself, on my own, and left to my own devices. I do what I want when I want. But there are moments where I'd like to have someone over and just relax with them. And, not just a random person, but someone I'd be genuinely interested in having around more.

I have no idea where this concept or idea came from, but it worries me a bit. Seems like a potentially dangerous road to travel. But like I've stated before, it's a catch 22. If I want a relationship, I have to open myself up to the chance to be hurt. If I protect myself from being hurt, I open myself to being alone. It's really a choice of what's more important, and what's worth the risk.

*light bulb*
I know what triggered all of this (besides the giant knot on my forehead from last night). I've had some great experiences lately with some amazing friends and people. And experiencing a small glimpse of the perks of a relationship have inspired this ridiculous notion in my head. Talking with some people and learning what makes them tick, and how they feel about relationships and all of that, well, that got into my head too. So I can see the potential perks of a relationship now. I suppose it's just a matter of who I take that risk for.

I've finally, FINALLY, gained the ability to see the notorious 'Red Flags' while talking with someone. Which is a glorious ability. In fact, I fear I may have some of my own red flags that I need to figure out how to remove, but still, I'm in a great place right now. I've never been a serial dater, and I'm definitely not a slut, so where does that put me? If I was to travel down this road to attempt to date, how do I even begin that? All of this still seems weird to me.

I must have hit my head really hard last night to think about this stuff so much. I wonder if I made any sense at all here. I'm retarded. I'll admit to that. 

Pooping on Memories

(snicker) Poop (snicker). That's my favorite word. I know it's immature and completely childish. But YOU try saying the word poop and not smiling a little bit. Such a funny stupid little word, but I love it. 

Now I usually, typically, try my hardest to not post anything too extremely personal. I do fairly well to avoid names, and such while writing. I feel it's the best I can do out of respect for those who would like to remain anonymous; which I get, because I too would like the anonymity. 

Recently my life has taken some random roller-coaster, and been very exciting, headed straight up, and then suddenly dropped with a big loop and twist right in the center. Normally this kind of thing would cause me to hurl all over the place and possibly crap myself, but alas, it did not. I feel definitely stronger than I did in the past, with a much clearer head on my shoulders. 

I know quite a few friends read this, and I'll spare the gory details. But one thing has become apparent; some friends are no longer friends, and some memories aren't quite remembered as clearly as they once were. You never realize how possible it is for someone to poop all over your memories. Those are supposed to be some sacred things, untouchable even. But as I've realized, it can happen. Details are not required here, but things that I thought I had held on to dearly, were really not the way I had remembered it. 

It's bittersweet really. I've learned a lot from my past relationships. All of them. And sure, they all had their issues. Every woman I've had a relationship with, all 5 if you can believe that, have changed me in positive ways. Most of them have apologized. A few of them still hold me as one of the more amazing men to have appeared in their lives. All quite flattering. One thing I've noticed is that they are all bittersweet. And, after each one, the breakup and moving on has become more difficult. Pain happens, it's a passage of life. Without pain, we wouldn't value the pleasures of life as much. I've found that I really pour myself full into each relationship, the last one being no different.

This all seems like it ended recently. But the funny thing about relationships, is that they always stick with you. They're always there. I've had many things lately trigger memories. The scratch of my palm while holding hands, the smell of perfume, the arms around my waist, the places I've been, the deja vu I've experienced; all of these have triggered multiple memories. Great memories. 

Then of course there's those moments that remind you of the hurt. It really only takes one, as all of the hurtful moments flood to the forefront for me, like an avalanche of film clips. Mainly just the pain of the breakup, or the pain of the healing process. I suppose I might be a sensitive guy, but it's these moments I have to realize where I came from, who I am today, and how strong I've become. 

It's not a matter of ignoring these, but of realizing that I'm better for it. It's still difficult when a wound is still very fresh. Or better yet, when you think it's already healed and you're just waiting for that pink skin after the scab is gone, to finally heal over, only to realize, that it's still a raw sore and bumping it on the wall or what-have-you, only causes you to flinch and remember how it happened. 

I find it sad that my go to answer for these moments of sadness and hurt, is to turn into a turtle. To hide in my shell and become the hermit I've always dreamed of becoming. Unfortunately, the ear full I'd hear from all the females in my life (mom, sisters, friends), would only drive me mad. My stubbornness doesn't outweigh my annoyance. But there are a few things I've found that I feel properly depict my current thought process.

Cue the picture to the right. I love this comic strip, and if you ever get a chance, read sinfest.net. It's an incredible comic that deals with a ton of topics. The main character here is Slick. Aside from the sun glasses, I feel very much in tune with his character. His act of hiding his heart in a safe, seems like the most just and honest way of protecting it, not to mention the most logical. 

Sure sure, everyone says that's dumb, and I should at least have the safe door open. But I've still yet to hear a valid reason as to why. I have friends and family, so what could I possibly be missing? I don't need anything else. Keep in mind I said need. Is it possible that this guy, as awesome and kind as I am, might honestly just want to be alone? Sure, I enjoy the company of a warm blooded beautiful woman by side, just like any straight guy. But do I need it? Nope. I can be open to meeting people. But being open to any kind of future? I feel very bad and sad towards which ever woman decides to hop through that land mine.

This video on my left, I feel properly depicts the future possibilities at this point for me. This all has to deal with matters of the heart. Handing the most valuable sense of self over to someone is a risky business. In this video, two people are breaking up. The guy hands over, litterally, his heart and says it's hers. My favorite part I've transcribed for your reading pleasure:

Female: "Well maybe I can just keep it for a little while, and use it for small things..."

Male: Unfortunately, it won't work that way.

Female: Why not?

Male: Well, now that you have my heart, I'm pretty much an empty cavity inside. For lack of a better term, "heartless". I will now treat each woman I meet with a passive aggressive contentiousness that will ruin relationship after relationship for many years to come.

I'd like to remind you that, this won't be on purpose. My distance from such words as "relationship" and "future" or any "definition" would come across as fear, and most reasonably so. 

I find that many of today's singles and individuals that used to be a "huge catch" and a "put together" person with a "good head on their shoulders", not to mention the "emotionally mature and secure" have all been wrecked and beaten into possibly a bitter, angry person, who has embraced fear and the lack of hope. 

That last paragraph, and probably the few before it, added a very big glass of bitterness party of 1 to the table. Not my intention. I'm merely pointing out the huge potential for such dramatic increases due to the emptiness and hollowness of a person. 

I will still stand by my previous arguments that I am not looking for a relationship, but I am willing to get to know you. I will not pursue you, as I've done that before and it does not work in my favor. Getting to know me will be difficult and exhausting, not because I don't want anyone close, but because I need to be protective. I'm well aware of my flaws, and my personal issues. Fortunately, my trust hasn't become jeopardized, which is odd, since I've been lied to more times than I'd like to count in multiple facets of my life. I do have a bitterness to me though, which I believe is justifiable once my stories are brought to the surface. 

I feel that in the past I've felt anger and frustration. Now I only feel sadness and compassion. Sure, I was the one hurt, and hurt badly if you knew the real story behind it all. That's most definitely not saying the other person was hurting. I am, in no way, shape or form, saying that they weren't in a dramatic level of pain, after the breakup. But for which ever relationship I've experienced, it all finally accumulates to my own personal wisdom: compassion. It's truly sad that this woman who got hurt, or is hurting, isn't aware of their actions, words, or choices, until well after the fact. I've seen it for almost every single relationship. I now wish I could only help more to bring to light the errors. I've had to learn a lot and grow in directions that my heart and brain really were resistant to. But the only way to grow stronger or faster is after pain. Pain is a horrible motivator in the greatest way possible. 

2:45 am. My insomnia is back. I would love to hear opinions and anything else anyone would love to share with me. I will say this, I'm glad it's all over. I finally have my answers. My choices are clear. I can be happy and rest assured that I now have new skills and a stronger sense of self. My confidence is higher, my health is greater. My strength is currently weak, but I know it'll come back in full soon. I'm skeptic of a lot of things, but my brain is always running, and sharp. My awareness has grown. My understanding of the human heart and condition, I feel, has been limitless. 

I'm just experiencing a flat tire (or three). I'll be back on the freeway after a pit-stop and a nap.

Soul Mating

I've heard this term a lot lately, soul mates. And it really got me thinking about it and what it means to me. So, where better to explain my thoughts and opinion than on a public forum for the world to see, right?

Dictionary.com's definition is this:

a person with whom one has a strong affinity, shared values and tastes, and often a romantic bond

 In the dialogue The Symposium, Aristrophanes explains that humans originally had 4 arms, 4 legs, and a single head made of two faces. Zeus feared their power and split them in half, condemning them to spend their lives searching for the other half to complete them.

And lastly, Urban Dictionary. Now, usually Urban Dictionary is pretty foul and rancid with some very weird definitions of stuff. This however says what I think most people would agree with:

A person with whom you have an immediate connection the moment you meet -- a connection so strong that you are drawn to them in a way you have never experienced before. As this connection develops over time, you experience a love so deep, strong and complex, that you begin to doubt that you have ever truly loved anyone prior. Your soulmate understands and connects with you in every way and on every level, which brings a sense of peace, calmness and happiness when you are around them. And when you are not around them, you are all that much more aware of the harshness of life, and how bonding with another person in this way is the most significant and satisfying thing you will experience in your lifetime. You are also all that much aware of the beauty in life, because you have been given a great gift and will always be thankful.

I on the other hand, don't buy into it. It all seems a bit too sappy, even for me. The Disney-esque fairy tail is a total fantasy theory. I'm gonna stop here a second. I want to explain, before I continue on, that this entry might come across jaded or bitter. That is NOT my intention at all. I'm not bitter about love, or jaded by anyone. I've felt love, and experienced it. So again, I'm not trying or aiming at being jaded or bitter in any of this. It's just my thought process on the matter.

I believe that "soul mates" can happen with almost anyone. What I believe is really happening is the excitement of dating someone you genuinely find interest in on a mental and physical level. As you get to know them, you start growing butterflies in your stomach. Gross, right? The excitement, and anxiousness of hearing from them, seeing them, talking to them, completely engrosses you're whole being. AND, if you're lucky, they are feeling the same way. THAT is what I think most people perceive as meeting your soul mate. It's called the honeymoon stage of dating, I think. The real fun begins when that's over and your head comes back out of the clouds. The effort and work two people put into a relationship is what's important.
Soul Mates don't just click and never have a problem.  That would be unbelievable.

Dang it. I just argued myself out of a belief that I had. It's almost like the facts are stronger in the favor of soul mates existing than not.

When I write, I'm thinking about 4 sentences ahead of what I'm actually typing. Which can be very frustrating because my fingers can only record the brain activity so quickly. What I had done, without actually writing it, was inadvertently change the belief I had in my head.  There are strong examples in my life of specific couples who met, and just immediately clicked. Sure there were a very small handful of incidences where they had a small argument or tiff, but nothing that understanding and communication couldn't fix. Actually, screw that. I still don't buy this 'soul mate' gimmick.

 Love is a feeling that is unique to each individual. You can love lots of things, (I love lamp). But the real true love that happens is on the emotional level. The emotional level is, in my opinion, one of the strongest levels one can feel on, because, uh, it's your feelings?? Emotions are an open invitation to vulnerability. Being physical (hugs, kisses, sex, ect), or being understanding of the mentality and opinions/habits that the other has, is great. Those are very important 'levels' to be in love at. But the true level is emotional.

I don't believe that there is just ONE person out there that when you meet you just totally lose your oxygen from. I can't believe that. That just sounds ridiculous. I mean, if that had happened to me, than what had I experienced before prior to that? A really strong like towards someone? That sounds retarded. I know what love is, I've shown it, and had it shown to me in the past. It's incredible. But a soul mate? Someone who just gets you and loves you right away, regardless of anything else? Someone you just immediately click with and just lock eyes and just fall flat on your face stupid head over butt over? Come'on. Really? I mean... REALLY? Psh... that just sounds like some crazy gimmicky cheesy storyline that comes apparently in almost every classic 'Chick Flick', or 'Romance' story. The odds are incredibly and severely low on that actually happening.

I think what's really happening is just a unique and awesome level of understanding. Not to mention that both parties are most likely already fully aware of themselves (faults and all) and are fully aware of exactly what they are looking for. When those two factors are operating at full strength, then sure, boom! Love happens and people live happily ever somewhere.

Again, this might have come across bitter, it's not. I'm just skeptic of that actually existing. If I'm wrong, I'll admit it. I'm just sayin'. That's all.

Vegas Teaches...

I had one of the greatest trips to Vegas in a very long time. I went with two of my oldest friends (20 years) and just had a really relaxing time. There were a few things I noticed though while watching people, having my drinks, and being awake at 5/6 am (cause THAT'S how you do Vegas).

For starters, I realized that it doesn't matter your body type, your style, or look; anybody can get a "hot" person. I've always 'known' this to be a fact, and in theory have always had that concept that confidence is what attracts others. But when it comes down to pool time in Vegas, there are some seriously funky looking people, and some seriously gorgeous looking people. Sure we can attribute alcohol to their poor eye sight, but to be completely honest, their body language didn't show intoxication. Just an interesting sight to behold when a dude with a massive beer gut, bleached white skin and an incredible farmers tan, is able to have some "barbie" model on his arm.

Secondly, the walk of shame starts at about 5 am, and it's very difficult NOT to make fun and say something to a total stranger who is too ashamed to look at anyone.

Third, I could wear a suit everyday. I love wearing a suit. I'm not one to be cocky, or egotistical... well... not typically... usually... often? I make valid attempts to be humble, on occasion, er... a few times a... well; I try. But I look good in a suit. And I really love feeling good. So if there's something wrong with me feeling good, you can shove it, because I like it. I do what I want!

I wanted to have a forth, or at least more the list. But I don't really have much else to say. I think it's great that Vegas says: "What happens here, stays here." But you know that crap is online. People are stupid. Total sheep. I love watching their idiocy. Granted, I tend to become part of that idiocy, and that's still just as fun. I think I like having more of a group when I go to the pool, because it makes it more of a party and easier to be social with strangers. I really wanted to lindy bomb the pool. And that's not a bad thing people. That just means I wanted to have some dancer friends with me to dance in the lazy river and show off the skills we got to the random dance music.
I also really like having classy stuff. I mean, going to Vegas on the cheap is great. But if you can do some high class suite, or high roller, baller status, room? Do it! Granted, you aren't there much, or at least shouldn't be. But when you are, it feels nice. The trip as a whole was incredible. The car we rented only had 240 miles on it, was a Black Dodge Avenger, and looked very stylish. The hotel accommodations were great. I mean, I spent hardly anything, and felt like I had spent a crap-ton. Really swanky stuff. So needless to say, a tie was required for whenever I went out. And I do love wearing a tie.

I also caught up with an old friend while I was there. I'd say more than a friend, but I've never really been one to divulge the intricacies of my relationships... wait... do I?? No.... no, I don't think I do, not on here anyways. But regardless, it was friggin' fantastic to catch up and return those old memories to the forefront. Been awhile since I had been able to just sit and talk with a good friend who I hadn't seen in so many years and yet still read me and knew me like it was yesterday. Great end to a awesome day.

I really feel I'm missing something here. Hmmm... Nope. I think I'm good. I would like to branch out of my little "Vegas" bubble I think. The only people I've ever gone to Vegas with are people that I had grown up with, friends I had known for well over 5, if not 7 years. Anyone else, I never bothered to go. I guess there's just a deeper sense of friendship I hold on to that restrains me from being 100% completely open to everyone else. Not that they aren't all great and amazing friends, but it's something I'm definitely realizing after this trip. Vacations, trips and excursions with people you think you know super well, can quickly change in setting that is completely different from the norm. I could just be being super cautious as I don't want to lose those people I've gained as close friends. Not that I would push them away, nor would I judge them by any means. But with my wiring, if I'm not enjoying their company, and I realize that I'm more annoyed with them than I am with having fun, then I'm going to make some changes; and quickly at that.

I might be rambling. It's 10pm, I've slept all of 8 hours in 3 days? It's quite possible that I'm completely delirious and .... I digress, I'm exhausted. I need to write more, and more so when I'm in a more comprehensive state of mind.

Shut up, this all made sense in my head.

Dancing on a Swing

A year ago, well, actually, a bit more than a year ago, I wasn't in the greatest mindsets... ever. Without the details, and the plethora of personal information being spread out on the table, I'll just say that last year was a year of massive mistakes, and massive growth. During that time I had decided I wouldn't do a particular hobby anymore, but it held too much pain for me.

What's amazing to me is how certain events can shape a persons core. Typically, I've always believed that a person's core can't be changed. The person they are is in a solid shape at that point. Instead of changing, it morphs. I imagine this small golden ball, that slowly has pieces of tape, fabric, and foil, that all stick (like a magnet) to the ball and add layers to it. Each layer being a new level of personal growth, and achievement. Everything that a person has experienced is there; life, death, love, loss, win, lose, mistake and failure, and accomplishments and goals.

When an event comes around, you don't realize kind of impact it's going to have on you. How it might change you, or form you, or what the outcome could be. It could be nothing, it could be massive. Who knows? It's the risk of living life.
I had come to a point in my life where I was no longer going to swing dance. Yes, if I haven't mentioned before on this blog, I swing dance. I lindy hop. I am, what some call, a Lindy Hopper. I actually do kinda lindy when I hop, and I for sure like to swing out on my dancing. It wasn't so much a sad moment, it was just... a moment. Sure I enjoyed it, I made some good friends who I would be able to keep seeing outside of the "scene" and "venues" that I had frequented. But for multiple reasons, I had made the choice to stop.

Now at this point, I always like to put a disclaimer here before going on, simply saying that "MY" personal beliefs and faith reside in the Christian beliefs. I am, and will always be, strongly religious on this front. This doesn't mean, by any way shape or form, that I'm going to judge you, or hate you, or dislike you, because you disagree with my beliefs. Actually, far from it. I embrace all those that differ from me, I like to know and learn and... well... heck, who am I to judge? Right? Believe whatever you want to believe. I got my reasons, you got yours. It's cool man. So, with that said, I'll continue on.

Apparently, God wasn't done with me here. Through some random turn of events, I had been invited to help out with a documentary that would be filming at a major swing dancing event in Los Angeles, called "Camp Hollywood". It lasts for about 4 days, contains some of the most incredible dancers from around the world. Again, keep in mind, that I wasn't planning on doing any dancing. BUT, since I had been out of work for... oh... I don't know... 2 years?? I thought, "Hey, this'll look great on a resume". So, with the invite being on the table, and going to this event for free, I said "Sign me up!".

Just prior to hearing about this, another option came across to me, to help behind the counter at a local dance venue, where I would get free dancing. Again, I thought, "I'm not dancing, but that'll look great on a resume"... "SIGN ME UP!".

So with my resume starting to look better, I thought life was actually starting to turn around. Little did I know what would be in store for me.

The event in Los Angeles, not only took me by surprise, but twisted my core in a 180. Let's see if I can paint this picture for you. I'm standing in the "Camera Box". Not many people could stand in there as it was very limited to, well, professionals. Here I was with a borrowed camera, getting ready to film some Amateur Dance competition, and some Professional Dance competition. Oh, and let's not leave out the Team Performances, and some of the Showcases (a couple showing off a personalized routine). All of these individuals are there because of their passion and drive for something that speaks directly to their heart and soul. I have to admire that. Everyone has something, and for these individuals, it's Swing Dancing.
So here I am, standing directly behind the judges, filming and watching, and feeling this weird sensation in my chest. I'm in awe. I'm locked in place and watching Amateur swing dancing. But, let me explain something here. These are no amateurs. These people can dance. I mean, really, dance.
The live big band performance is underway behind them and everyone is just going to their choreography that is being played inside them. One after another, regular, everyday people, are stepping up their game, and their skills to the wondrous melodies all because of their love for it. It. It... everything. Everything that would encompass this venue; the music, the steps, the moves, the rhythm,  the people, the energy, the smiles, the laughter, the cheering, the clapping. All of IT.
So, what was this twist to my core? Inspiration. The realization that I could do that. Not only could I do that, but I now had resources at my finger tips allowing me to finally break past my own skill barriers and move forward on my quest to get better. I no longer wanted to stop. I no longer felt like I couldn't. I was anxious, excited, and most of all, inspired.

Hard to believe a year had past. Did I continue on my quest? I did. Even after severely spraining my ankle, I still held on to my goal and accomplished it; just compete in one competition. Of course I wanted to win, but realistically speaking, being out of the game for about 14 weeks doesn't help ones ability or skill level improve at all. And quite honestly, I really just wanted to get on the dance floor and see and feel what it was all about.  And let me say, it's pretty nerve racking. Massive high fives to everyone who does it regularly. I definitely can see the enjoyment in it, once the anxiousness wears off.

But what's most important is this: I still had fun.

I still would like to improve on my skills, possibly make finals. A lot has changed, that's for sure. So here's to another year.

Congrats to all my dear friends who competed, got into finals, placed, and/or won. You're all an inspiration to me. Keep going, don't stop... "get it get it"... ya, I couldn't help that last part.

Nerdism

I'm a nerd. I'm a dork. I'm an intelligent individual who knows lots of "fun facts" about specific "Nerdism" categories. I know comic books. I know video games. I know movies. I've seen star wars and star trek, but I don't know that much about the world of "sci-fi". I'm not a huge MMORPG player, and if you don't know what that is, don't bother looking it up, you'll just continue to fall deeper into a horrible rabbit hole. I don't play "magic: the gathering" or whatever card game (if you can call it that) nerds are playing now. I've worked in the game industry, I collect comics; including, but not limited to, Japanese comics... aka, Manga. I also watch Japanese Animation, aka Anime. I'm a fan of cartoons and most animation in general.

Now that I've established exactly how incredible my "Nerdism" is, let me continue on to my main point. I've been to Comic-Con in San Diego, more times that I'd like to admit. Every year, up until a few years ago, the amount of disturbing looking people was something of a "car wreck". You know what I'm talking about, you can't help but look and stare, although you know you shouldn't? Simpsons got it right with the fat comic book store owner.
Let me clarify something before I go on. I'm not a self-loathing nerd. I appreciate my roots in that culture, and I'm pretty proud of it. BUT, I will not start talking about the ins and outs of the current Batman comic, or the direction a Video Game company has taken with total strangers, or for that matter with people who don't entirely care. At least I try not to. I do a fairly good job at least, I think.
I try and be understanding of most everyone's hobbies and skills and interests and not judge. But for some reason, nerds irritate me. The over the top super nerd drives me up the wall. Add to that my nausea for idiots, well, we have our self a right good time then!

I still haven't gotten to my point, but I felt it was important to explain all of that before proceeding to it.

Like I've said, I've been to Comic-Con. The people there are weird, and different. But since Hollywood took over, it'ts become more of a public any person kind of event, without the over excess of real nerds. Twilight fans are NOT nerds. They are horrible individuals who are funding the idiocy of my culture. Morons.

I digress. I went to the Anime-Expo yesterday (Japanese Animation and Comics). It was great. There was one solid, huge difference between this convention and the comic convention in San Diego. Not just the subject matter. It's the fans. There was only ONE, ONE!!! person who smelled horrible. Wait, wait... look... I don't go around smelling people, that's weird and creepy. No. But when you are in an exhibit hall where the room between the booths is way to close for comfort, well, you smell people.

Early this year I went to the Long Beach Comic-con. It's a fairly small event, with hardly any vendors and room, but there was a decent turn out. First thing I noticed of course upon walking into the convention hall? The smell of nervousness and failure. It was horrible to my senses. I think if Old Spice, or Axe, had set up a booth, they could have made a KILLING! Seriously, how are they still living at home with their parents not aware of their stench??
The Anime nerds had none of this. In fact, like I said, only one person the entire time burned my nose hairs with their foul odor.
The other amazing thing was the amount of costumes, dress-up, or as it is more commonly referred to as, Cos-Play. The amount of work these people put into their costumes, is nothing short of amazing. I was impressed with the delicate work they did on their makeup, their high tech gloves, the use of neon lights, hair, ect ect. It was quite amazing. For all of this, I can appreciate the Anime-Nerds more than the comic-book nerds.
Unfortunately, the one thing that seems to be inescapable, are the idiots. I swear I almost smacked this guy's phone out of his hand and punched in noise hole. He spent about 15 minutes explaining how to find him at the bottom of the stairs. He didn't, at any point, say that he was standing next to the base of the 'up escalator'. So when his friend finally showed up, he chewed him out, the other guy shrugged like it wasn't his fault and his directions were solid. Idiot. I know it shouldn't bother me so much, but basic common instincts, to me, should dictate how to describe your current location using some important noticeable landmarks.

Idiots annoy me. Super-nerds annoy me. And uni-brows. If you have a uni-brow... sigh... don't get me started.

All in all, yesterday was awesome. I'm just saying, Anime nerds are better than Comic book nerds.

The other guy...

I've been processing a lot of self-evaluations lately. Really striving to understand myself and where I'm at in my core. I've strayed from a lot of regular habits and hobbies and noticed that some old habits started to slowly flourish again. With the lack of a properly functional ankle, running, hiking, and dancing have been out of the question. And unfortunately, will be another 2 to 3 weeks.
I had realized that I had put a lot stake into the "idea of who I am" into running and swing dancing. As I had tried to re-invent myself and better myself last year, I had almost forgotten some crucial key points in my own growth. A hobby does not define who you are. I've almost made the critical mistake of using those hobbies as my reasons for who I am. But that's just the thing, they are hobbies. HOBBIES! I feel the word "duh" should be placed somewhere around here, but that's just a cliche word to use that I'd kinda rather not dampen the intelligence of this blog with such a word.

So, instead of exercise, I've pushed myself to still continue to socialize in a different arena; the bars.

Once noted for their great influence on relationships as a whole between male camaraderie, and romantic relationships, as well as recovery for those dealing with hardships, "The Bar", I feel, has become a seedy establishment that has been sullied by the various alcoholics that frequent these places. Okay, maybe I'm coming across a bit jaded and most likely egocentric to a certain degree, but let's be honest, some of these places are just not right.
Last night was an interesting eye opener. People go to bars for 2 reasons, to drink and/or socialize. I've been witness to the wide array of douchebaggery that  tends to be bestowed upon the poor innocent attractive female sitting with her friends at the bar. Where am I? People watching. It's almost like watching an animal documentary from the 70s or 80s.

"Bare witness at the Male Douchebag. In order for him to secure a mate, he must be fully prepared with drink in hand, top 3 buttons on his shirt undone, and his hair styled and quaffed just right. Notice that he never approaches on his own, but the Male Douchebag actually attacks in pairs. Remarkable."

Do you see what I see now? Here I am sitting and watching some of the worst that the human species has to offer. And then I realized last night, what am I doing there? Am I a bar fly? I've been out a lot this week. Mainly as a personal test and attempt to prepare myself for some level of dating. It's been a long time since I've dated. And to be totally honest, I've never felt that I actually chased after anyone (until the most recent one). So my experience in asking someone out is nearly zero.  Not to even mention walking up and talking to someone. I have great confidence in myself, I've made sure of it. I'm smart, witty, funny, and not too bad on the eyes. When I'm on the dance floor, I'm myself, open, honest, forward, confident, ect ect. When I'm at a bar, it's like I shut down. It's the most interesting behavioral change.

Those of you who know me, know that that sounds weird. Me? Shut down? Never!

Another first was to have a wing-man. I know that sounds weird, it looks weird typing it out. But seriously, a friend of mine pulled a wing-man stunt or, sheesh, I don't know what you call it. I've never had that before. I got great guy friends, but we've never gone to a bar, and then hit on women. It was just... it was never done. I felt like such a little kid at the moment. I felt the true level of innocence that I have come forward. I didn't think I had any of that left, but apparently, apparently... I'm still not fully aware of how things work in the outside world.

So ya, I've gone back, re-read my entries on relationships and my views on the healthy ones and what I want or need. Like I said, I'm trying to actually push myself to start dating again and going out. I'm starting to think I shouldn't force myself to do anything, and just let whatever happens happen. Bah, I'll figure it out. I'm sure by the end of this week I'll know what I'm doing. I can sense it.

March(ing) April may cause June to go crazy.

I'm at work, ya ya ya, I shouldn't be writing, but I'm on lunch, and it's only for a minute, and I ain't gonna charge them for me to write in this thing. 

I'm taking a nice gander at how I got here and where I'm going. My potential for possibilities has risen greatly. Here I am, good job, and wide open ocean of opportunities ahead of me. My lack of getup and go has been daunting to my own strategies, as I was (unfortunately) relying on my ability to dance and run to keep my from becoming lazy. The new goal of gaining some ground on a mental capacity has increased greatly. Certain things need to happen, and happen soon if I'm to accomplish half of the things on my list before the end of the year. 

Currently, I'm looking for a place to move. I hate looking, but I'm also very hopeful. I've got headshots now, and I'm looking at wrapping that up and seeing where that path leads. My ankle is still busted, which sucks, but I get it. I see the lesson in that I should slow down, focus and not rely on physical strength or physical activity to distract me or build me up. I need to use my own mental resources and be more aware that I'm worthy of myself and that around me. Building my confidence up, and/or, realizing my own true confidence is there without using exercise to stimulate it, well, that's a tough task. I'm getting there, which is awesome. I have plans for May and June, and it's going to prove interesting. 

I miss Motion Capture, Dancing, and Running... truth.

I'm grateful for work, a bed, and food. 

Security in myself has increased greatly. I'm happy about that... and happy/content, in general.

100 Hundred

The road to my heart has a 100 dents and pot holes, that the ominous thought police have restricted due to a time warp in the space time curriculum. Ya, that's right, study that stuff, because there's a test on the black hole theory, Doc Brown is gonna skool you in how to make a time bomb. I've only learned of this while flying back in time on my personal crazy plane. I built it using lost parts off of a broken Ferris Wheel.

True story. 

Don't believe me? 

Then think of it this way. If a true story wasn't false, but you believed it to be the truth, then it's a non-false non-unbelieved fact, which would only mean that the true falsehood of the one that was telling a lie, couldn't actually be making a joke, but be telling something that was unbelievable. In this case, I think riding on the wings of faith into the neverworld of disbelief could cause your mind to explode in a truth serum that would formulate the proper calculations of the honesty that was hiding in the back of your brain. Once again, this could be a falsehood of the truth telling that I've so clever hidden within the letters that your eyes are only now hearing. 

If you concentrate hard enough you'll see the gears shifting into high speed and the rotator discs fluctuate into ludicrous speed, because that's the cause of my writing. The nodes in my brain are on fire causing the  electrical pulses to stimulate my nonsensical unlogical metaphysical finger tips to punch down the corresponding letters in a rhythmic gesture in hopes of subduing your brain into a coma. If I can do that, then maybe I can run my own thoughts into the ground and bury them into a pile of dirt where they can't be telling anymore of their ridiculous long winded stories that it thinks are jokes, but don't cause laughter. I'm sick of that stuff. Same old knock knock joke where I never answered the door. So here I am, being completely unadulterated  and cynical for the sake of a poetic story that has no rhyme or for that matter an unreasoned logic.

My pure insanity can only be expressed in a combination of words that attempt to form a story of sentences that apparently have no end. Ah the end of a story, is the end of a sequence of additions, where the subtraction at the end only leaves you wanting to multiply your reasoning. But I refuse to do that. I will divide this until the infinite quadratic crapstorm of electrons has bombarded your ever expanding headache until your very pulse explodes in a forever retroactive insomnia, alluding to the final task that may never come; the final punctuation mark that my little brain monkey will fling at you. You can hope and dream that this ridiculously long and pointless rant about absolutes and emptiness ends without having any more mind boggling contradictions. HA! Never! If I only gave you a taste of the insanity from a functional incapable child you would pretend to never have thought outside of your lid, but I will show the inside of the box that has been flipped inside out. I'm a inside the box thinker that drew on the outside of the box. Words float around my head like birdies after being hit by a sledge hammer. They rain down into my bucket and I just pour them out onto the table and scatter them around until it makes me laugh. And here I sit, spitting untruths and half-lies about my presumptions about my sanity. Sanity sanity sanity, bah. Normalcy in place of democracy where the congress has no control of my pulses that electrify my synapses. I'm on fire for the electric world outside of my box. I learn to yern for the funky town equative fanatic word association contraptions that will allow me to continue to make up my own words while you try and figure out which words were real and which weren't. So here we sit, while the rest of us stand, looking down on a wandering squater, wondering where the lookie-loos will be crawling to run next. I hope it's soon, because my crazy talk is just about out of fire and I don't seem to care too much to even finish my final thou

It all started on a Tuesday, in 2011...

Today is a day that I'll most likely never forget. A year ago, I made a change that has forever changed my life. Many friends and some family members, are probably not aware of the critical and scary situations I've proposed onto myself. Of course, one of those situations would be remembered this May, but that's not what I want to talk about now.

I made a choice to end a very deep and important relationship. That choice changed way more about me than any other decision I have ever made. I took a good strong look at myself. There were a lot of things I needed to work on; a lot of issues and problems and ideas and feelings that either I didn't deal with, or even acknowledge. Many of the things that I learned caused me to feel stupid. I felt stupid because it just seemed like some of the most basic human characteristics that any natural normal adult should have gained by the time they were in their 30s. I find it unfortunate that I didn't learn it till now. Not just unfortunate for me, but for those around me, including (but not limited to) the relationship that I had ended just one year ago. 

One of these tools to the basics of life that I learned was planing; having goals. Back in April, I wrote about how I had only 10 dollars in my account. I'm proud to say that I have quite a bit more than that in my checking, and 3 different savings. I've made goals and plans that I'm slowly fulfilling on a financial level. I have a roof over my head, and food in the fridge. I've got a job. That right there was a huge daunting task that lifted a lot off of my shoulders. I'm finally more self-sufficient. 

All of these accomplishments are just things; natural survival and growing tools that I probably should have learned awhile ago, but was too stubborn to absorb from my life experiences. On a more deeper level, I've gained patience. Well, hold on, I've gained more patience. Not a lot patience, but I at least have various friends and strangers fooled into thinking that I'm patient. I've learned how to actually deal with my emotions. One of my major personal flaws was not dealing with my feelings. I tried to mask it, hide, bury it. Whatever I had to do to NOT deal with the pain or the hurt or whatever dysfunctional or irrational feeling I had, I would do it. Now? Now I calmly allow those feelings to eb and flow through me. I experience it, analyze why I'm feeling that way and decide if it's a healthy thing to deal with or if I'm actually being just overly sensitive and stupid.  I'm sure there's still some growing there, but the brunt of it was brutal. 

I've had to completely reprogram my brain and rewire my thinking and theories. At one point, (you ready for this?) I had been childish and immature enough to believe that I wouldn't do a job unless it was fun. Well, last year proved my idiocy as I had to realize that sometimes we have to do things that aren't fun, so that we can survive and eventually do things that can be fun. I can't just continue on that life path and expect the world to just open up without putting in the effort. Having a direction finally into where I want to go, what I want to do, or at least attempt, makes me feel better about myself.

Which leads me to my last major change; self worth. I had gotten so low, and would continue to do so, well after the breakup a year ago. I had so little self confidence and self worth in myself that I ended a romance that I later (despite what I had written prior to this) would regret. There's a lot of what ifs and if I's and all of that crap floating there. But the truth is, I had to learn first how to be healthy for myself before I could be healthy in a relationship. My lack of inner strength was not attractive; my constant degrading of myself and my accomplishments (which I DO have, thankyouverymuch); all of those were completely unhealthy and misguided. I had to literally rebuild myself internally and recognize that I'm important. 

Sure sure, family and friends love me, and care for me, and enjoy having me in their lives and I'm important to them. But unless you believe you are important to yourself, you really start to fall down a very deep, and horrible rabbit hole. It becomes very difficult to find hope, and to change yourself when you're at the bottom of that hole. 

Through all of this, my dependency on God and my religious beliefs got stronger. I realized that I had to be broken to be built stronger. I had heard that when a bone breaks, where it heals, is actually stronger than before. I hope that's true, cause that's how I felt on all fronts. 

I'm still struggling with somethings, but overall, I've had one crazy insane year. Crazy enough, that year was a learning experience, even up to now; as I sit with my ankle sprained. 

And real quick; this sprained ankle of mine, added so much more insight than I ever thought was possible. The timing of this small event, is very odd to me, but really added so much more to my level of understanding. 

So ya, here's to Year One. 

Birthday and Valentines

So how was your February, hmmmmmmmmmmmm?

We'll start from the last post, which apparently was post number 100, crazy huh? My birthday was pretty awesome actually. Got to go on a hike with 3 very awesome ladies and got some rad pictures out of it. Very very cool hike. I've decided that a) I want to go on hikes more often, and b) I want to go on a hike with friends every year for my birthday. I got some good times in with some close friends and some new friends later that evening as we had a dinner, a couple of drinks, and an impromptu Birthday dance. Just so you know, a "Birthday Dance" is NOT a strip/lap dance as some people may think. It is indeed a Lindy Hop dance, or Swing Dance, that is geared towards one person rotating partners during the progress of one song. It's quite enjoyable and I've actually never done it before, until this year. Why? After so many years of dancing have I not had one single birthday dance? Well, that's because I found it to be a bit pretentious and semi awkward. But I took it all back as this year I decided to make a big deal and do it.

So ya, family and friends, good times.

Then Valentine's day came. I'm not sure if I've expressed this (I'm pretty sure I have, but just in case), I'm a bit of a romantic. I have some great and grand ideas for the right person, and have yet to actually instigate or engage those ideas as I've neither had the courage, the money, or the time. I've had a handful of relationships, and only 3 that had any effect for that holiday. One had higher expectations than wasn't even feasible to achieve and kinda wrecked my excitement for the gifts I made (yes, made). The next one surprised me with a bunch of plans, but a couple of months later cheated, so that kinda threw that memory out. And the other one didn't seem to really care either way about it, which was fine, cause I was completely broke and couldn't do anything that I really wanted to do, I did do the super nice dinner at least (and a necklace if I remember correctly).

So, what did I do this year being single? I worked. I worked one job, and went straight to the other. I remained completely off of Facebook, as I knew I would say something to someone on some status thinking I was being funny, but would end up coming across bitter or jaded. What I DID do, was spoil myself for once. I got a new laptop, a new camera, and some new clothes (that actually fit). Basically I got some new toys that I can play with and help me achieve some of my future goals. And I must say, typing this blog on my laptop (this keyboard is sick!) while laying in bed, is pretty badass.

I was gonna post pictures, but I've been too easily distracted by other things to take the time to snap shots of all my new gear. I also got a new pair of dance shoes for my birthday, which I must say, are very awesome, and I'm quite anxious to try them this week finally. 

Sheesh

What a big pain in the butt. I'm currently sitting at a Starbucks down the street from my horrible place writing on a laptop that looks like it was put together by a bunch of mentally challenged blind monkeys. On top of that, I'm typing faster than the computer can keep up. Where did I get such a laptop? I got it from my mother, bless her heart, who gave me this laptop in order to fix it. Well, for starters let me say it's a Mac. And if you know me, you know that Macs and I are bitter enemies, since that fateful day back in the war.
What makes this even better is that there is this cute little old lady, I mean, she's old, 80s I would say. Sitting next to me on her laptop which is incredibly way better and advanced this shiny piece of crap. Oh, and there's another guy who is probably even older than that, sitting diagonally from me on his ipad, an IPAD! COMON!  I shake my fist at irony. I'm the youngest one here, with the oldest piece of technology. It's actually quite humorous.

I've been wanting to write for awhile. And now that I've finally gotten an opportunity, I'm not really sure what I want to write. This year has been pretty friggin' awesome. I've signed up for school, going to take a couple of technical classes. If I had internet at home (I'll get into that in a minute), I'd be doing more research onto my other projects, but like I said, I'm sitting at Starbucks on this.... whatever you want to call it.  I'm happy with how much I've gotten accomplished this year already, which really isn't much, but honestly, it's WAY better than I have done in the past, so I'm pretty happy about it. I feel way more motivated than I usually do to continue to improve myself and my way of living.

So, why am I sitting here at Starbucks? Why am I not at my computer in my nice quiet room? Because my landlord is a friggin' moron and doesn't know how to take care of the place properly. She decided that she was fed up with Time Warner giving her problems. Sure, I can understand how annoying it would be to have someone constantly ask for money or else they'll turn off your service. Ya, sure, right, uh-huh. I'd hate to pay for something that they are giving me too... wait... what? So, she apparently stopped paying them, causing the Internet to stop, then she went and got ATT. Of course did she bother to tell any of the tenants? Nope. Who uses the Internet there anyways right? This guy... this guy right here typing this story to you. So 6 days later with no online source, and multiple calls and texts asking why there isn't anything and to fix it now, she finally says that she switched services and that the phone jack (great... DSL connection, crap) is only located in my room, and that I need to hook it up. Oh, okay, sure, I'll get right on that with all my free time after I spent 8 hours at work doing the EXACT SAME THING FOR PEOPLE. Bitter much? Nah. Just frustrated at the idiocy of the whole situation.
Let me say one other thing here. I'm sure she is a very nice person, which she is. However, when she talks she has a very nonchalant attitude, and sometimes her actions indicate that she might be lacking the proper blood flow to her brain to operate on a daily basis. I'm just saying. When you witness someone take a boiling pot of water of the stove and leave the stove on, with flames still going is a small thing. But when you see it happen a few times, AND see that the fire is STILL going (making a distinctive noise by the way) after she has emptied the pot, eaten/drank whatever she made, and then cleaned the dish, and the dish is now dry... well... isn't pretty obvious that she's just a functional retard.

I believe this blog is officially derailed. I suppose I just wanted to vent. Please, don't misinterpret this as that I'm not grateful for what I have. Trust me, 5 months ago, no job, no place to live? Ya, this is WAY better. But if it's one thing I absolutely can't stand it's idiots. Again, I'm sure she is a nice person, most people who have the brain of a child are, sigh... I need to stop... sheesh.  But I mean, comeon, right? It's... bah. Okay okay, I'm done. I'm happy with my room... MY room, the kitchen and the bathroom "privileges" are lacking, but if I was to get my own little fridge, I'd be pretty set. Fortunately I may have found a new place where I have my own bathroom and a big a room for myself. It's more expensive but, hopefully it'll work out better than where I'm at now. Plus there's a full size pool and gym?! Sign me up!

Other than that situation, life isn't bad. Goals are slowly being accomplished, I'm part of a swing team, and my personal life is slowly improving.

I'm telling you, it's gonna get better. This year has some epicness to it that I can't even being to explain or fathom. Stay tuned for more.

Oh crap, this is my first blog post of the year? Wait... is it? I don't know, and this computer takes too long to load a page and I still want to write in another blog that is a bit more personal. If you want that one, ask and I may share. May share. Don't get your hopes up.

One last thing....
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME! Whoo Hoo!

Hello 2012, let's be friends

I got some BIG plans for this year. For starters, I'm a different person. 2011 was, in a word, craptacular. I've used this word before, and I might have even gone to lengths to describe it. But I'll go ahead and describe the word again, at least my definition. Craptacular, to me, means it was something that was fantastic and crappy. I lost a lot last year, but gained a ton as well. It was oddly bittersweet. I won't go into it, just know that it changed me, in a good way. I'm stronger on all fronts, and feel more confident in who I am. As well as, knowing exactly what I want for my life.
So, this year, now that I'm all brand new and shiny (sorta speak), I'm gonna write some things down in hopes that I can reference this later and some of my friends can keep me accountable.
For the record, I know this is a public blog, but one of things I wanted to do, was be more open about who I am and such things, so here goes.
There are 5 categories I'm going to look at here and put some items under; Spiritual, Financial, Work/Education, Relationships, Physical.


Spiritual
I want to continue on with the being part of the Drama team, and my leadership learning with the church. Eventually I'd like to have a small group that works well.
I'd like to have finished some daily reading plans, as well as get into a better habit of reading my bible and learning about it.

Financial
This is a big one
Get a passport
Get Medical Insurance
Get Dental Insurance
I have 3 savings; Emergency, Trip, and one for my taxes since I'm a contractor. I want this to happen:
5k in my Emergency
1k in my Trip (after my trip happens)
Start a Roth IRA and have 2k in it by the end of the year.

Work/Educational
School; I just want to take a few classes to learn and enhance my already existing skills; Drama/Improv, IT, Graphic Design
Get my own Domain Name website
Start a comic strip
Start my T-shirt graphic design ideas
Learn Dutch


Physical
August: Go to Holland
Run a half-marathon
Learn at least 3 to 4 different Swing Arial moves
Compete in Camp Hollywood Jack and Jill

Relationships
My current relationships with my friends and family are great. I'm truly blessed to have such an amazing group of people in my life, looking out for me and helping me. Very truly blessed. I'd like to continue to be a good friend and have these awesome people in my life.
As for the "romantic" type of relationship, I'm not looking. I'm fully aware of what I need/want/deserve for a healthy relationship. I'm not 100% closed to the idea of having relations with someone, but I'm not gonna budge on any of my ideals and concepts. I know who I'm looking for.
I think really, what it comes down to, is being more patient. I hope that I can gain more patience by the end of the year and be more confident in my choices when it comes down to it.


I think this list is a pretty darn good list. I'm excited for this year and already know it's gonna be crazy awesome. I can't explain why, but there's gonna be some crazy awesome changes happening. I'm very excited.