The Holidays And this Year

Well here we are. Probably my last public post for the year. I was going to have two seperate posts, one for the holidays, and one for the recap of the whole year, but I'm too lazy to go about doing that. So I'm just going to type about this last month and then start a whole new section in this blog about this year. So just as a warning, this might get pretty lengthy (That's what he said hahahahaha).
Well, let's see. I've been with family since Thanksgiving, practically everyday. I've seen my grandmother more this year than I have in a long time, and I really love my grandmother. She's the best. Even though I feel she might be losing it at times, she's still the greatest! I've also got to spend a "plethora" of time with my Uncle Gary. One of the fun-est guys I know. We are always laughing and cracking jokes. NEVER a dull moment with him. And when we are both just hanging out together, the one liners, and puns and lame jokes just keep flying around. It's great. I've also been able to see my awesome little sister Sue and her boyfriend Shawn. Which has been absolutely fantastic. Being able to spend time with both my sisters is and always will be one of the greatest memories I could have. You see, Susi lives in New York, and Kim lives on in Redlands. I see Kim semi often, maybe once or twice a month. I talk to both my little sisters often. But when we all get to hang out, mom, dad, Sue, Kim, Shawn, and Kimberly's NEW Fiance Paul, it's a lot of fun. Random traditions and fun little inside jokes and stuff just make the holiday season so great and fantastic. From making obscene and disgusting gingerbread cookies, to laughing and joking around around the dinner table. I love every minute of it. My sister leaves next week so I won't be able to spend more time with her, but at least I got to see her for Christmas.


Which brings me into a recap of this year:


Being able to see my family and get away from all the hassles and emotional distress that I've had has been soooooo therapeutic. From a crazy retarded relationship that had more ups and downs than a roller coaster created by a 3rd grader to my grandfather passing on and a fire nearly wiping out my house, this year has been full of random crap. Whereas there were negative aspects of this year, there were just as many positive notes to make as well. I had an amazing opportunity and experience to be able to work on the new Resident Evil 5 game. I was able to work with a great Face MoCap Artist named Vince and meet a ton of people who work in the industry from doing sound work, to voice overs to being the director of a movie. It really was a great time working on it, a lot of work, but just an overall amazing time to be able to get paid really well for something quite enjoyable. And in the end make a few friends and contacts that could be very instrumental in my future. I was also able to afford not one, but 4 trips this year. The first was my annual Vegas trip in April which was just amazing, aside from one tiny little hiccup in that trip, it was just great to be able to party it up with my really good friends (Jeff, Jetsun and George). After that was Comic-con in San Diego, another yearly trip, and once again my friend's and I had a fun-tastic time goofing off and club hopping. After that was a trip to Pennsylvania for 2 days and then a train ride to New York. Words couldn't explain the amount of fun that was had. Not only did I get to see my grandpa one last time and gather some priceless memories and photos of him and I, but I got to ride a train to New York and spend time with both sisters and Shawn! I also got to visit with a couple of friends out there which was also great. The day I flew back I rode on a boat, a car, a train, a subway, a bus and then a plane to get back home. Then there were a few months of relaxation at home with no work and nothing to do, which I must admit was great and not great at the same time. Thanksgiving hit, my favorite holiday ever, and after that I flew to PA to see family from all over the country and from Canada. Granted we were all there for the memorial of my grandfather, but how awesome is it to be able to see family you haven't seen since you were 3? I'll answer that for you and say, very very awesome. Second cousins, great uncles, great aunts, Uncles and Aunts, and cousins, so much family and so much laughter. 2 more days of all of them together and I would have easily had a 6 pack from laughing so much. After that was over I must say, it was nice to get home.

In retrospect of this year I would like to think I've learned a lot and grew more. Granted, last year was really tough as well. This year is the first year I actually feel like my old self. I don't feel like I've been myself in a long time, not even before I even started dating the last girl. All this family and warmth has been so good for my soul and my personal energy. I've really learned to appreciate my family with all their individual quirks and annoyances, and my friends for their great concern and help. I've learned to be more a little bit more wary of who I let into my life and not be so over the top trusting. Not so much in a "I need therapy, I'm not gonna trust anyone ever" kind of way, but more in a "I don't know you, but I'll give you a shot" kind of way. Just more cautious in general. I've also learned how important it is to keep a solid base. What I mean by that is, that for me I need to have a good grip on reality. I can still have my head in the clouds as long as my feet are still on the earth. I've accepted a lot of faults of myself and those of others as well. I'm trying to be not so... cocky? hahah... ya right. I'm still cocky, but it's more of a confidence then before. I've learned to handle situations with more of a calm-er head, and be able to look at the same situation from outside the box when possible. I think that over the last couple of years I've learned a great deal of patience. I know that it's only going to grow more as this next year begins and ends, and I'm ready for it. I'm ready for the challenges ahead. I've done my best to stop sulking and not sulk about anything anymore. So what if I've had a horrible New Year's Eve every year since I can remember, I'm not gonna let that stop me. I'm going to make an honest effort to make the end of this year a good one with my friends. I'm a bit of a romantic at heart and it sucks that there's no girl on my arm the one year that I actually don't have to work, but so what?! Next year is a new year and I got my friends and family there for me when ever I need them. The cup isn't only half full, cause I have unlimited refills.
So with that, I say live life to the fullest. Don't be stupid and dumb, but acknowledge the people in your life who care, and if they don't care at all or there is no one, then go find new ones! Every positive cliche I could say I would. Enjoy live and be smart. I'm finally feeling good and happy and I'm excited about the next year and what it might hold. I already know some things about it, some premonitions and I'm quite excited about it. See you next year my internet blog! Possibly with videos! hahaha

The East Coast Family... Represent!!!

So I'm currently out on the East Coast of America. Pennsylvania to be exact. I flew out here last week, the Friday after thanksgiving. You see, my mom's dad, my grandfather, had passed on the week prior and everyone was getting together for a funeral. It was a little rushed and I have a tiny issue with that, but all in all its been a great trip. You see, my mother is one of 6, the third child with 2 older brothers, and 2 younger sisters and 1 younger brother. Then we had my grandmother, who is the oldest of 4 and the 1st to immigrate to America from Holland with my grandfather. Then we also had my mom's cousins. So... Me, plus 6, plus 4, plus... oh man.. uh... 6 more? 16 family members from what I can guesstamate.

The funeral was held on Saturday at about 3pm. It was an awesome. Well, as awesome as a funeral could be. I've lost loved ones before, but this was different. This was really the only grandfather I knew. I won't get into specifics, but just know that my dad's dad is still alive and I don't know him really (seen him once in 2 or 3 years now?). Robert Marcel Ziegler was an awesome grandfather, and father from what I can tell. Apparently, I'm almost identical to him in looks and personality. He was such a quirky little genius. And no coward either. He fought on the Dutch Resistance durring WWII and did all kinds of various sabatouer stuff as well. Escaped from the Nazis twice! TWICE! He was one of the most amazing piano players ever. I could listen to him for hours playing the piano or the pipe organ. Just an amazing awesome man. I wish I had more chances to know him.
I actually grieved for once in my life. My normal bouts with mourning start about 3 to 6 months later and incorporate me not dealing with it at all. This was the first time I actually had to deal with it. It was different. It was difficult. I felt alone for part of it and kinda wanted to be alone too. I'm really thankful for my grandmother, mom, and aunts and uncles. I couldn't imagine how difficult this must have been. But after many tears and hugs, everyone was in better spirits.
It's really quite amazing what this family is capable of when they pull together. That night after the funeral, there was about 15 people or so, standing around in a circle in the kitchen playing one of the most ridiculous games ever to be made up by my uncles. Make a sound and keep a beat with it. Then the next person adds a their own "creative musical sound" and eventually you get everyone making a different sound. Not quite music, but extremely funny. If that wasn't enough to make you pee your pants from laughter, try playing any number of other games with them and witness the hilarity and goofball-ness that insues. If you can handle my humor and goofiness, and you know my immietate family (sisters and parents) then you can handle the rest of them. Soooooo much fun. I swear I don't think I ever laughed so hard in my life.
After all the crap that has rained down on my family and myself recently, this was a much needed trip. I'm still bummed that I missed my High School Reunion, would have been nice to see everyone, but at the same time, I'm sure I made the right choice here. It was very theraputic and really helped to bring me back to my own personal 100%. Happy attitudes and laughter... I think I've had a smile stuck on my face for days now. That's gotta be a good sign, right? hahaha. Keep an eye out on my "space-book" for new pictures from the trip. There should be some good ones.

Reflection on the last couple of years...

I'm gonna start off by saying that his one blog will most likely be more revealing about myself to the public then any other blog I've written. But then, at the same time, I don't know how many actually read this particular blog, so I could just be talking to about 2 or 3 of my friends who already know more than they would like to know about me. Ha ha ha. Well... anyways...
I'm sitting here at 2:06am thinking about the last three years. I know I know, thinking is a bad habit and I really shouldn't be doing that. Especially shouldn't be thinking if its in regards to the past. But you know what, I think it's important that you reflect every so often from where you came from and who you were and who you have become. Mistakes were made for learning purposes and I feel that this is a moment where I need to learn something.
So... quick run down of the last 3 years. Broken engagement. Broken heart (1). Swing dancing learned. Lost job. Found a passion (acting). Poor house. Repo. Crap jobs. New heart. Broken heart (2). New place. New job. Fixed heart. Amazing Job. Big money. Lied to. Broken heart (3). Great friends. Fun times. New York. No Job. Decent money. New Job? Big Move? Not happening. Fires. No Apartment. Good friends. Dead grandpa. PA and New York again.
Wow. Who knew I could sum up most of the major events in my life in one paragraph. Crazy! But ya. That's that. I'd like to think that I've become a pretty awesome person. Sure, I still have flaws, everyone does. But I've developed a more refined sense of responsibility and charisma that I didn't have before. My free spirited self is slowly coming back. I'm a bit more mature... a bit. Very slight. But I've learned about myself more through these situations and I know I can handle pretty much anything that comes my way. I have a strong personality, and even stronger family and friends to help me if I fall. I know what I want in life, and my patience has only grown by leaps and bounds at every fall back. I'll get to where I want to be in life, it'll take awhile I'm sure. But it'll happen. I'm thankful for everyone that has hurt me or done something to harm me in someway. If it wasn't for you morons, I wouldn't be as intelligent and aware of my own needs today. So thanks for being retards. *thumbs up*. And thanks to everyone who has helped me along the way. I couldn't have asked for better friends and family.
I honestly thought this would be a longer blog, but really, that's kinda all I wanted to say. I'm flying to PA and NY on Friday for 10 days, so I'll be taking loads of pictures while I'm there. Even though it's for a funeral, I still think it'll be fun with family.

Oh, and in an older entry in one of my personal writings I had decided that this time was my new year. So let the new year begin now! Whoo Hoo!

Twists and turns and loopee-loops

It's odd how the month of November, the month that contains my favorite holiday, almost always seems to be one of the toughest months to get threw for me. To document this month, I'm writing this blog... and making it public.
For starters, I had applied to a job at 2k Sports. They flew me up there, set me up in a hotel, with a rental car. It was great. I looked at potential places to move to up there. It was a big deal. I'd be leaving EVERYTHING I know to move up there. It wasn't until I looked at the first place that it all sunk in. That's when I did everything I knew to cheer myself up again; went to Toys R Us, Best Buy, an Arcade, and Taco Bell. It wasn't until after I heard this quote from Cast Away, "I just need to breath, cause tomorrow the sun will rise and you never know what the tide will bring" that I finally cheered up.
I get back from that trip, a few days later, find out I didn't get it. Okay, take a day to regroup and get my mind back on track. Everything's good again. In fact, I'm doing even better. I went, I saw, I left. It was great. I'm happy. Then the fires come. Within minutes, it's on top of everything around us. I grab what I can and bail. Everything from my sisters' and I's childhood and everything my parents own are nearly burned up. We were evacuated. My parents stayed with my uncle in Garden Grove, and I stayed with my good friend in Costa Mesa. It was a nervous 24 hours as we wait to see the damage of our beloved collection of memories. Luckily for us, only a kicked in front door and a ton of smoke had reached our apartment. Nothing lost. The apartment building outside my bedroom window was completely toast, as was everything directly on the other side of us. We were skipped by flames that should have wiped everything clean. But of course, some damage had made to it to the building. So rumor was that our building might get demo'd. Recently found out that there's a good strong possibility that it will not. Yay! So smiles back on, or still on, and no worries.
As soon as that news reaches us, more news comes in. My Grandfather (mom's dad) had a stroke. About 1 to 2 days later (today) we find out he is dead. The craziest thing about this is that I felt it before it happened. Before I got the call, all my energy went bad and sour. My mouth had a sudden bitter taste in it and I could just feel it. I didn't know how to deal with it, so I just laid down. That's when I got a call that he had passed on. So... now what. I mean... he lived a good long life. And it's not like you ever really get to have a good good-bye to someone you love. But that doesn't change the fact that it's still hard to smile after that. I mean, with everything that has happened to my family as a whole, and myself, wouldn't it be a good time for a break? I'm still smiling. I feel like I kinda have to. Death isn't really my thing. I can only remember a couple of people who have ever really helped me deal with it, and unfortunately they can't really help me anymore. Plus, I don't think this is one of those moments where you would say, "Well, it's time to grow up and deal with it, it's life. You can't have your hand held forever." But when it comes to death, I think everyone needs to have their hand held. Or at the very least know that someone can hold their hand. (This is a metaphor for you retards out there.) I know I got plenty of friends who care and worry about me, it was quite obvious when the posiblity of me moving up north. Bah, I'm not really sure what I'm trying to say here. It's too emotional for me to really get in depth about. My initial response at this point in the blog is to say something funny and stupid. But... I honestly can't think of anything. *shrugs*

Keep smiling. Because everyone likes a smile, and its more contagious than a frown.

Fire, the Wii, and being Naked

As most of you know already there is/was a fire burning in Anaheim Hill.s They showed the Cascade Apartments on channel 4 news going up in flames. What most of you DON'T know is that I live... lived? there. My parents too. If you know me, you know how excited I get about certain stories so imagine my hands waving around like a mad magician as I explain this.
It was insane! There I was just sitting in the front of the computer playing a game, as usual. MY dad is doing something in the other room, and my sister was on the couch. We had just heard that the fire was going north, and it was on the other side of the freeway. Then all of a sudden there was a pounding on the door (this sounds like a really cheesy grade school story... hahaha) Fire Marshal yells, "Everyone out NOW!". At that moment you don't really have time to think, you just act. It's in these moments that you realize what's important to you, in the way of personal belongings. Luckily for me most of my stuff is already in storage from a previous move. However, all my clothes are at the house. My parents on the other hand have EVERYTHING in my whole that our family has ever owned there at the house and in the garage. When I heard the yell to leave, I grabbed... you ready for this?? Classic Matt right here... my computer tower (cause of all the pictures and information I have) my nintendo wii and gamecube (that's a lot of money people, too expensive to replace in my opinion) and an extra set of clothes. I immediatly thought about what was pershiable and what would cost too much to replace. Luckily I also had a face mask under the bathroom sink that I put on. Good thing too, cause as I grabbed my personal belongings and ran out the house with my dad and sister, I saw a tree on fire. A tree on fire that was exactly 3 doors down. The fire was moving fast. I ran to my car, sister to hers and dad to his and we bailed. The smoke was so bad you could barely see anything at all my nose was burning for hours after and my sister kept coughing for a few hours as well. All of our cars smell like a chain smoker. We went to my Uncle Guy's house afterwards to watch as the apartments had their funeral. Now according to my parents this morning who drove down to ashes, our apartment didn't go up in flames, most everything around us did. The firefighters are still there though so we are not able to get in at the moment. Hopefully the fire doesn't gain control again. I have a couple of pictures, and I'm sure more to come.
Once I got to my uncle's house, my sister and I couldn't stop cracking jokes. It was possible that my parents and I wouldn't have had any clothes, but my sister's work clothes were there! OH NO! ha ha ha ha. Ahhh.. good times indeed.
So ya, that's about it. Oh, and if you didn't already know (cause I didn't really tell anyone) I didn't get the job up north, I'm not moving out of Orange County, and I'm still fun employed! Whoo HOO! Life is pretty groovy!

Always smiling again

-Mr. J

The clubing experience...

I think that everyone at some point in their life needs to go to club and just watch people. It becomes quite disturbing. There's a lot of consistencies amongst club goers. I recently was at Bobby McGee's last night, sitting with my friend while he DJ'd. I got to watch two groups of people express tons of attitude; a fraternity and a sorority. Now don't get me wrong, as a guy I can appreciate the "eye candy" of many of these women who dress up and try and look their best. Of course, for some, their best is looking like a whore. But that's a whole other blog/rant.
Let me just dive right in, there is always at least one of these types of guys on the dance floor; a douchebag, a guy who has some personal emotional issues (x girlfriend or some such nonsense), a guy who thinks he's the best dancer ever, and a guy who should have stopped drinking after the first sip of alcohol.
There were so many douchefags... yes... doucheFags, that it was just unbearable to watch. And for the most part, when it comes to guys dancing to rap/hip hop/r&b, it's the same lame two step swaying crap. What made me laugh so hard was watching these guys, partially unbuttoned shirt and sweat dripping off their head, grinding on some gorgeous girl in a short skirt. What was funny was his face and how he thought he was "the greatest of all time" and that he was "totally gonna get laid" that night. But her face on the other hand, you could just tell she was trying to figure out a way to get away from the guy. Not to mention that the guy was totally going to a beat of his own creation, not even remotely close to the drum and base of the current song. Almost every chick there had a face on that screamed "Leave me alone!" So much disgust on their faces. And most of the guys just had that cocky, I'm a great dancer, over confidence, smug face that you just wanted to back hand so badly and yell at them "No! No, you suck at dancing and you are so much of a douche that you can't even see past you're own self righteous attitude to realize that everyone just tolerates you."
It was disturbing and funny all at the same time. Also, most of the women there, as "hot" as they were, really should have just stayed sitting, or standing somewhere. I swear, so many white people dancing is dangerous to society. Oh sure, some chicks can dance, and a few white guys can too. But really... at a club setting, almost nobody can dance. I know they are all having fun, but wow. I strongly believe that the dj and whoever else has to sit and semi-watch this crap most defiantly needs to be drinking. Aside from the disturbing acts of fully clothed college children grinding, it was awesome to be there. The music and dj skills were in top form last night, and it was really impressive.

On a side note, I must apologize. Apparently I've woken up on the wrong side of the bed... which is odd cause there is only one side to wake up on (the bed is up against the wall). I'm sure I'll re-read this blog later and be slightly surprised at my own "grumpiness". *shrug* I'll go to toys r' us and gamestop and then I'll be happier. Oooooo Taco Bell.... *drool*


Note:
Isn't it kinda odd that a college club for just men has the letters in it to make fart? Fraternity.... Farternity. That's like eternity and fart put together. Faring for eternity. HAHAHAHA.
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I need help.

Yes, I AM a bit psycotic....

With the new election finally coming to a wrap, I felt that this would be a great time to blog about my conspiracy theories. But I must warn you, that there's a chance that I will die tomorrow and my very existence will be erased. Just saying.
Now for starters, I didn't vote. I don't care. Ya ya ya, save all your hate and loss of respect for me till the end of this little blog. I understand that we have a right to vote and other countries don't. The best thing about that is that I have a right to vote, or not vote. Yay me! And I know that those who can't vote would be angry to know that I didn't. I'm sure they would actually be MORE angry at other things that I did or didn't do then just not voting.
Now then... my conspiracy theory. I guess it's not really a conspiracy theory, but just a thought process I believe to be true. That's a theory isn't it? Whatever. I believe that it doesn't matter what I do, or you do, or anyone else does, what happens in this country is controlled by someone with a crap ton of money. The President gets paid 250k a year. You think that's true? Does he REALLY get only 250k a year? No. Think about it. Think about how much land they end up owning and all the trips they get to go on. They take kickbacks. Tons of kick backs. As soon as a politician doesn't want to cooperate they get some crazy crap blamed on them, or just assassinated. A couple of presidents had some near misses with a bullet and that was just a scare tactic to get them to do something that the "rich man" wants. Good people die so bad people can be in powerful positions to help the greedy get more out of life. Cause apparently it IS true, the one with the most toys wins. I'm pretty close, I have a lot of kid's meal toys from back in the day.
I think most of the country is controlled by the big boys in the oil companies. AND it's only one company, or a few men who own that. As soon as gas is investigated, people are payed and small time people are knocked off and buried in the desert. Any kind of speculation into a major company that controls the life blood of the American populous is easily covered by some other major incident. If it gets past the major incident on T.V. then who ever is investigating is payed. If they don't take it, they are killed. The best controlled device is the Media. News is not objective on anything. How much bad news is reported on the news opposed to good news? It's a very low ratio. Why? Because if everyone kept hearing about how great life was for other people or all the great things that are happening in other people's lives then we would start to get depressed as a society. We would start to become envious and jealous of those people and think about how crappy our lives are compared to theirs. But when we see bad things happen to other people we can rest assured, "well at least that's not me". Interesting huh? I learned that in a psychology class once. Ya I know, I learned something in college, weird.
Basically, my point is, that who ever has the most money wins. If they want someone as president bad enough or in the senate or some other powerful position, then they will pay as much money as possible to doctor the votes and other stuff. With Bush and Florida someone wasn't payed off for it work correctly without someone noticing.

My prediction for this new guy? He's gonna get shot. Not by me of course, I couldn't kill anything. But he will. Then it will slowly tear this country apart. Think about it. A black man getting killed, or a muslim getting killed. There will be so much hate in this country it's gonna explode on our own turf.

Everyone rips on Canada. But think about this, when did they last have a war to go to? I'm just saying. Medical care for everyone sounds pretty tempting right about now.

So am I really crazy? Or does any of what I just said make sense? I think it makes sense. Don't agree with me? Then say so. It's open for discusion. I'm pretty sure this is all true. I'll let you know when I get really rich and powerful. The only problem with that idea is that wealth and power corrupt even the most pure of heart. Blech, too poetic for me. So I figure if I'm just a bit crazy, a little off kilter, then I can play the game without falling into the rabbit hole too far.

Major Changes are in store for yours truly...

Big news people. As many of you know, I'm a stubborn person. Yes I know, it's hard to believe, but true. I'm very stubborn, and when I don't want to do something or go somewhere, I usually dig my feet in to the dirt and cross my arms and say "No, I don't wanna." Well, I haven't had a job since July, when I worked on Resident Evil 5 (ya, pretty awesome huh?). Since then I've moved into my parents house and keeping a low profile trying to save some money while the government gives me some fat pay checks, ha ha ha.
I digress. So I see an add for a job that is just perfect for me, and after some sleep and some prayer and some thought, I apply. I realize that sometimes we all have to do something we don't want to do regardless of how good it will be for us. So what is the problem? The problem is the job is outside of Orange County. It's outside of Los Angles. It's actually in Marin County which is 20 minutes north of San Fransisco. Ya. BIG move. Big big big move. Now I'm not saying I have the job yet, but I had a phone interview a week ago and it went way better than I expected. They (2k Sports) are flying me up on the 6th and taking care of me for a few days and then I'll be back on the 9th. It looks like I will be having a job soon and working on December 1st in Novato, California.
All in all this would be a great move for me. One, it will get me out of my comfort zone and help me to not be so stuck in one place. Two, it will help me be more outgoing and force me to meet new people I've never met before. Three, it will help me deal with some personal issues I have down here better than if I was to stay down here. I'll actually have something to do up there, opposed to now... which is nothing. But ya. That's my news. I would say there's an 80-85% chance that I'm moving far away from everyone that I know and love and everyone i love to hate.

Questions? Comments? Send them my way. Emails, aim, yahoo, msn, and phone numbers. I'm always online.

The Distance

The Distance by Cake, is probably one of those songs in my top 20. It's the lyrics. I feel everyone can identify with at some point. Even though the music kinda gets you a little pumped with its' anxious beat, I feel that it's actually quite a sad song.
Take these two parts of the lyrics:

In his mind he's still driving, still making the grade
She's hoping in time that her memories will fade
'Cause he's racing and pacing and plotting the course
He's fighting and biting and riding on his horse

The sun has gone down and the moon has come up
Not long ago somebody left with the cup
But he's striving and driving and hugging the turns
And thinking of someone for who he still burns

Poor guy is holding on to something that just isn't there. She's moving on, and he's still trying to hold on tight. Sad, isn't it? I bring this up, cause it came up on my itunes randomly and it got me thinking.

There's two feelings that correspond with your heart racing. A happy feeling and a dreading feeling. Oddly enough you can experience it twice in a day, or better still, in regards to the same subject. Think about how excited you were when you got to do something you've been looking forward to. Or how anxious and excited you might have been to see an old friend, or love, or family member. Your heart races beyond anything else, and you can feel it try so friggin' hard to jump right out of your chest. It's as if the blood pumping into your heart has just went into ludicrous speed. Of course on the down side there's hearing about an accident, or seeing the cops walk up to your car, or answering a phone call and it's a doctor.

Sometimes, in the bad situations, the best medicine is to calm down, deep breath, lay back and relax. Allowing your heart to over work itself can't be good. Pretending it doesn't exist or didn't happen, is even worse. Ignoring the problem doesn't work either. Running away from it... it works for a moment, but things that are bad eventually catch up to you. The best thing to do is just relax. Calm down and focus. Realize what it is that got you going, and remember that tomorrow is a new day, with new possibilities. If tomorrow is no good, then next week or the week after. Of course, other times the only way to get past it IS to ignore it. Someimtes there just.... there just isn't anything anyone can do about it and you just gotta let go and move on. Go to your own drum beat. Make your own path.

Good times are always ahead of me and I refuse to let myself trip and fall. I'll stumble, but I won't fall. I will remember the past only when I need to, otherwise, I will focus on the future.

Dating sites are funny

It's amazing to me how many people go on these sites. There are soooooooo many of them and yet each one claims to have "the most people signing up everyday" or the most members in general. But really, it's the same people on each site, you could find the same person on 3 sites easily. Some sites even say how they aren't dating, but just for making new friends. HA. Come on. Really? Nobody truly is only looking for new friends. Human beings are curious by nature. A site that promotes dating and friendship or some form of relations is a curiosity to those who aren't happy in their personal relations with people in the real world. Don't get me wrong, it's tough. I mean the bar scene and clubs are absolutely retarded with people who are self absorbed and self centered. Granted, I'm in Southern California, so I can only speak from experience down here. And I'm not saying that everyone in those scenes are stuck up and selfish, no not at all. But most of them are. There's a select few that aren't... but they disappear in a crowd easily and are most likely sick of the scene as well. So where do these people go? No where. They keep going to the same place, but use the internet sites to help them in their pursuit. I can't blame them really. It's very unobtrusive. It's a great idea for the most part. The awkwardness in person is almost unbearable, plus there's the whole crowd of people that surround you in a club or bar, and it's usually too loud to even say anything to anyone. Most of the time you sit there nodding and smiling and laughing to something you can't even hear. But they look like a nice person and you, being the nice person as well, just go along with it. The sad thing is that the internet sites don't filter the scum out. In the public scenes you can filter them out just by looking at them, most of the time, if you're a good judge of character. But on dating sites, not so much. Women don't even have to respond if they don't want to, and guys are able to be more perverted online then in person. Nothing to hide online, plus, you'll never meet the person anyways, so what's it matter? hahah. I'm not one of those guys. I wouldn't start ranting about this stuff if I was. I'm not that strategic and/or manipulative in my writing as to go as far as to portray something I'm not. That's just stupid. I have nothing to hide.

The pictures are also funny to me. I notice a lot of women with their heads tilted to their left and also a lot of pictures from an odd angle above their head looking down. Plus there's almost always a cleavage shot. Don't misunderstand me here, I love boobs just as much as the next guy, if not more. But honestly? What are you trying to portray here? Okay... nice boobs, got it. What does that say about your personality though? Does this mean you're easy or that you're just proud of what god gave ya? Then I see the complaints that women put up about how "I'm not a one night stand girl so stop asking". Really?? Guys actually ask that? Come on men, have a little dignity, seriously. How pathetic is it when a guy has to email a girl who he doesn't even know on some website that he only saw in an add from myspace, to have sex with him for one night, hopefully tonight...? For real? I'm blown away by the audacity that some guys have to be that forward. Does that actually work for them? Do women actually agree to something so insane and rude? If they do, I'm glad I haven't met them. Imagine how messed up their personal life is that they feel the only kind of affection they could get is from a total stranger that they only exchanged emails and text messages with twice... and that was only to find out where to go and what time.
Wow.
To everyone else that is actually trying on those sites. Good luck. I've "heard" of people having success on there. The whole thing is quite humorous to me. I'm not hating on anyone that is actually giving it a shot. I can't blame you actually. I totally understand how "the scenes" are lame and quite fake.

I guess the way of the future is changing. No longer will people say "oh, we met through a friend" or "at a party" or "a bar". Nope. Now it'll be "Oh we met on eHarmony" or "Plenty Of Fish" or "Match.com".

Good times indeed. hahahaha.

I suppose...

I should feel great that my friends think of me on occasion. But could someone please explain to me why they feel the need to show me every disgusting and disturbing image they find on youtube or google? Sure, some of it isn't so bad, and most of it is quite funny. But things such as the "the biggest zit" or "tubgirl" or even the subject matter of a girl and a Bengal Tiger... A BENGAL TIGER!!! Ya. All of those are wrong. Just sick and wrong and disturbing. Maybe it's my reaction that they enjoy and the faces I make. I won't lie, I make crude jokes from time to time. I say things out of line and out of the blue, from time to time. I might even say some random things... from time to time. But I don't feel that my behavior, or personality requires more immoral and disgusting images to be seen to my "innocent" little mind. Like I said in the beginning, it's nice that my friends think of me, and I'm very appreciative of it. I think I'm more just curious to know why. Why on earth do they immediately think of me at the first view of such horrible nonsense? What have I done to create such a vision in their eyes? Please keep in mind that I'm not angry at all, but more confused and seeking information as to why this might be? I'm haunted by some very wrong visions that have been shown by family and friends. Am I truely that sick and twisted? Good god, I hope not.

Still... it IS quite funny the crap that they send me. And I still laugh when i look at it.

Letting my brain wander...

Metaphorically speaking, I tend to speak in sub contexts with made up words. That was fact, not a metaphor. My brain is a giant playground for Imagination. Imagination and Creativity moved in and built a life in my brain. Then Random moved in and they had a party. I can only speak as fast as you can hear. But I can think twice that speed. I'm aware of the happenings before it happened, but always eluded by your presence. If I was time, I would stop walking and start running. I'd buy a sports car to run marathons with. I never claimed to have made sense, only change. The free spirited world that had evaded my conscience has slowly crept back in begging for forgiveness when it ran away in the first place. My brain wanders without a leash and I always end up losing it down some random ally or lane. But in the end there is no end. The energy still flows, as does the spice. Life goes on no matter what happens and there are no brakes on the roller coaster. It's a constant "hands in the air like you just don't care" parade. I wanta be the ring leader in a one man circus. I want to run the tight rope and tame the clowns. Randomosity. I could dive down further into the rabbit hole. I'm looking into the abyss now and wow there's a lot of fun places to go. "Jump Jump Jump Jump" Do I even question how to get back from sanity? I'd rather be inside sane that outside of it. Aren't people that are "in"sane more likely to be more sane that the ones that aren't? Fun questions for a fun a atmosphere. I can create my own world and fix my own problems. My world is fun, and I've made it where ever I go. It can not be destroyed as I am the only one who holds red button in the palm of his hand. I have the ransom held and the money to be given. Are these ravings of a crazy individual you ask? No. These are writings of a person who has been exploring the interworkings of his brain only to come across the black box from an airplane crash and discover what was missing. Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Seriously? When was the last time you ran around your house like an airplane? I did it, 5 minutes ago.

Teeth Thinks A Jimmy Wont

Ya, the title is an anagram for my full name. Anagram: Rearrange the letters to make new words. No, I'm not that bored to sit and rearrange my name for that, but there's a website for it. And here's some fun facts I discovered...

My full name has these words:

Annoy, Annoys, Awesome, Antsy, anytime, Eminent, enemy, Enjoy, Enjoyment, Ha, Hah, Hammy, Hansom, Hats, Heart, Hi, Homie, Honest, Honesty, Honkie, Horny, Hot, Hottest, Hyenas,Imitate, Immense, Imminent, Insane, Insanity, Intense, Intensity, Intimate, Intimates, Joke, Jokes, Jokey, Jokiest, Joy, Joys, Majesty, Mask, Mate, Mayhem, Mean, Moan, Moment, Moist, Money, Monkey, Monkeyshine, Myth, Nasty, Neat, Ninja, Noisy, Nonwhite, Onetime, Sanity, Shit, Showman, Showmen, Sneaky, Snot, Steamy, Stinky, Tank, Tease, Ten, Thanks, Thinks, Tits, Toys, Wham, Wienie, Win, Yank, Yo.


Bored? Yes. These are just a few of the over 1000 words that my name makes. These ones are funny to me. It's kind of a fun little game to see what words are in your name that might describe you, or better still, just are funny words. Uh, ya... that's all. I thought it was funny.

Writing my ideas for a friend...

A friend of mine recently asked me to write about, and I'll quote them on this...
"... write something about clocks and how it relates in our lives. i want something like... running out of time, we wanna stop it but it wont, turn back the hands of time, and what would you feel if you know something is coming and clock is ticking so fast and youre running out of time..."

So I thought about it. And really, the only thought I have ever had in regards to time is that time is always against you. Okay. Maybe Always was a little harsh. 99% of the time, time is against you. Time is just waiting, but you have numbers to count while you wait. You wait for everything. You wait to be born. You wait to grow up. You wait to start school. You wait to finish school. You wait to finish college. You wait for the right job. You wait for the right person. You wait for the right house. You wait for your kids. Ultimately you wait to die. Morbid and depressing, I know. Not the way I wanted to go with this at all. But it's the truth is it not?
Two things almost always accompany "Time"; impatience and the "what if's". Everyone is impatient. At some point in your life you couldn't wait to open a present, to see a person, to get away, to go somewhere new. Life is just too exciting to not be impatient. Impatience is a great thing. It's what keeps us alive and wanting more. Sure, many people pray for patience, or would like to be more patient. That's all good and fine in its own place. As for me, in the past, I've gotten way too excited about giving a gift to a girlfriend. I just couldn't wait any longer and would end up giving the gift early. Or, due to my lack of impatience and my own child-like excitement, I would drop way too many hints and they would figure it out. My lack of patience at that moment is completely okay with me. I digress. My point is, that sometimes having a lack of patience, and not wanting to wait for time to catch up to you, ie making your OWN time, is perfect.
In regards to the "what if's"? I've tried my whole life (which isn't that long actually) to not think about those. That's a never ending road with many many shortcuts and hidden trails.
I would like to think of myself as a positive person. I'd like to think that nothing bad is actually going to happen to me or anyone I know. It's an arogant ignorance I'm willing to admit to, but it makes life more pleasant. If I spent my free time thinking about bad things to happen, I'd miss out on some of the most awesome things life has to offer. I'd start to exert this negative energy around me and cause people to stray away. Not good. I've always found it pointless to think about negatives. Why waste that time? I'm too busy being impatient for the next trip, or the next visit with a friend, or my birthday or thanksgiving, or anything like that.

I think wanting to stop time, or rewind it could lead to regret. Another pointless thing. Everything happens because it does. Choices made, mistakes happened, you move on and learn from them. Enjoy the tiny moments you have with that special someone. Enjoy every moment of it. The arguements and the laughter. Days, weeks, months, or maybe even years later, you'll look back and probably even laugh at that one arguement and smile. Time has to move forward, and people have to move with it.
Ferris Bueller once said "Life goes by pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it." So like I said. Go with the flow and treasure those small moments you had with someone, or that random encounter, or that random joke that made you at the very least smile. Time is the most precious commodity. I regret nothing.
"I love my past. I love my present. I'm not ashamed of what I've had, and I'm not sad because I have it no longer." Colette (1873 - 1954)

To think that something bad is coming your way and you can't stop time or prevent it from happening leads into the realm of being psychic or foretelling the future. Now I could post a list of examples in my life where I've had things like that happen to me. For those of you who truly know me, you know that those random dates, or times, or time frames that pop into my head, always come true. (I really need to stop using always). If you allow yourself to be taken over by some forboding that could happen in the future, you've already brought it to the present. Don't worry about what's to come, just enjoy what's going on now.
I think I've made my point very clear about 5 times now. Just live. Smile. Laugh. Treasure what you had and what you will have.
My cup is more than half full.... the ice melted.


* seriously... I always use always wrong. I always want to use always in a more finite place then always. I really should stop using that stupid word. It's never always. Never. Maybe somtimes its occasionally possibly in the most-likely used properly, maybe. But i never should use always, or never. ever.

3am... whoo hoo. 21 hours awake.

Something personal....

The following is from my own personal private blog. I'm not sure why I'm doing this, but I know that this posting (in its whole unedited form) needs to be posted. It's just something I felt that everyone should know. And on top of that, I'm not supposed to make an announcement about it on myspace or facebook. Again, not sure why...

"Sometimes I find myself lurking around...
And sometimes I wish I wasn't. I know it's not wrong to every so often check on the woman you once loved and make sure she is doing alright. But I do know that it's wrong to wish for the old times back. We've both grown and gone our own ways now. I've realized today just how much I've changed. Standing there, playing pool with an old friend whom I haven't seen in years. It was odd. Maybe I've been by myself too long. Maybe I've been getting into a routine. Maybe I just don't want to be around people that much at this point. But standing there, watching time move so slowly around him, and witnessing time... just... tick. It was odd. I could feel the changes that had happened. Not a rushing sense of wonder, but a gradual awareness of my own personal evolution. And it wasn't the kind of evolution that is exaggerated in fairy tales and fantasy. No. This was a kind that made me realize just who I've become and what I've lost in the process. It was almost depressing. There was a slight feeling of loss as to the thought of what had happened. Of course, this was all in the instance of an eye blink. But to me, it happened much longer than that. My friend was still pulling the cue stick back a milimeter at a time. And I, I was just sitting there, watching, remembering, realizing the differences that had occured. I had actually become an adult. I still have no idea exactly when it happened. I can recall all the events and people that had caused... no, wait... effected this outcome. Nobody caused it. It was a case of survival. My own human instinct took over and my personality, my very soul, changed to allow me to survive the various crisises that had occured to me. I'm thankful for it of course. But once again, I had seen deep into myself at that moment. My friend has finished lining up the shot is now moving forward with a slow momentum towards the cue ball. Something clicked. I was fully aware now. Finally, after so many months of heavy fog, i can start to see again. But now what? Sure this may all sound over dramatized, and over exaggerated, but I'm only trying to paint a picture of what I truly felt. It was not quite eurphoric, but i nice feeling of calmness. It was a complete contradictory to itself. So I had to ask myself. Now what? Am I happy with this person that I've become? Can I be more? Can I improve? Can I gain back what I've lost and loved most... my free spirted insanity? *shrugs* Sure, why not? Anything is possible still right? Weeks of solidarity has led me to this thought process. I'm thankful for it. I'm excited for knowing it and anxious to see what's next. It's inspiring and all thought consuming. How can I mix the best of everything into one? If there's one thing I realized before the cue ball was hit, it was that there is always a time and place for responsiblity and there is always time for fun and laughter. I think I've finally learned. Time is my weakness, it causes me to be impatient.
*insert my big goofy grin here*"

Good, Bad, Fun, Bad, Good, Fun, Awesome, and something else

Lots going here people. I would say I would keep it brief, but I'm pretty sure if you are reading this you know that I have a tendency to either be redundant, or repeat myself a lot... um... i mean... I give a lot of details and repeat myself a lot. You get it. So on with the news.
For starters, to answer everyone's questions: I'm not working right now. My work contract for the last project ended back in July. Afterwards I went to San Diego and New York (payed for by money I had already saved for the trips months prior).

What am I going to do now?
Well, that brings me to more news. Since I've not been working, I've been cleaning the apartment and showing it off to a few people for a new roommate all during the month of August. Martin moved out in the middle of the month (not on bad terms, just a good decision on his part). I stayed because I wanted to stay. I filed for unemployment, but due to the governments lack of speed, PLUS the problem of finding a roommate to move in for September, I will no longer be living in my current residence as of the 28th of September. I know, it sucks, I liked this place a lot, had some fun here we did. But times are changing, and things have to happen for a reason.
Where will I live?
I'm moving back into my parents house. Not so bad, I mean, I was originally really bummed out about it. But it is what it is and I love my parents and get along with them. It'll help me save money, help my parents out a bit in the process too. So it's a win win situation I suppose. But I'm not gonna be out of here for a couple of weeks, in the mean time, I'm just sitting at home, using the pool, pool tables and gym as much as possible. And enjoying the quiet time I have.
As for future plans:
If contract work comes up and is offered to me, I might take it... I'll probably take it. But I would like to take this time to pursue my dream of acting. Finally get my teeth fixed... no more snaggle tooth and crooked teeth. And pay off a couple of bills too if I can. I'll get some head shots and maybe take a class or do some theatre work too. Who knows, but I like the freedom and the paychecks, god willing they come regularly, will keep me well funded for any endeavor I choose.
Because of that, I'm feeling more and more like my old self. Free spirited and fun. It's been awhile and I've had some stress lately, but it's nice to relax and do what I want for a change. I live for fun and that's all I ever want to do. Have fun.

So ya, that's what's going on.
My labor day weekend turned out pretty awesome. I had some friends come over Sunday and we hung out, pool, billiards and some loud game playing... George sucks at James Bond Golden Eye on the N64 (oh yes, I went old school... (I just said N64 is old school, does that mean the original Nintendo is Ancient? good god I'm old))
And on Labor Day itself I had the great fun of being able to see Kristen and Katie, a couple of the raddest chicks I know (there's others who are just as rad, they know who they are so don't get butt hurt.. ;) ) But I got to have some social time with people I didn't know, do some bowling... I got a 144!! Unbelievable. I got a picture on my phone. I'd put it up, but I'd rather show you in person so you will believe me. But ya... a 144 in bowling. And that was after I bowled a 54. Pretty awesome I know. Then it was off to do some Karaoke. Where I did a great rendition of Rainbow Connection for Kristen using my oh so famous Kermit the Frog voice. Oh ya, I did it in a bowling alley bar. *shrugs* I'm cool like that, hahaha. And then I tried singing Moondance by Michel Buble... but I started laughing pretty hard when Katie did something to distract me in the audience. Oh good times. So now it's 2:10am and I should sleep. Hope everyone else's weekend was just as awesome.
Thanks to everyone who could join me and share some good times and laughter.

Just because...

Nuclear pool droppings

Okay, for starters, I've been keeping a small log of my dreams and nightmares... its weird stuff. But I decided to start making them public... maybe you got something more interesting to say about it? Anyways, I'll tell the dreams, recap the main points of it, then look up those points on dreammoods.com. I find it interesting.

So I had 2 dreams, actually nightmares. The first one last for probably the full hour of the first of my sleep, I remember walking up an hour later. This dream seemed super real. One of my close friends had died in the dream. He choked on a piece of food. I remember standing there being told he died, and thinking about how I had just hung out with him earlier that night. Then as I leave the room I was told in, I walk right into a warehouse where all his stuff is being sold, like a supermarker... but its a warehouse. It was weird, I remember getting super pissed and trying to grab some of the stuff, but the one lady there wasn't too forgiving and kept saying that she is trying to sell stuff. Then I was told how he choked on food, and I started thinking "Hey, he's a smart guy, he wouldn't have died from that, because he would know how to dislodge the food or at least get help" and that was enough brain activity to get me to wake up. It was so real, it was scary. Then I go back to sleep only to walk right into another nightmare. For starters every body of water, ocean, lake or river had chlorine in it... not salt. Same with pools. And I had just got out of the pool thinking about how they should put salt in it to keep clean, not chlorine. Well there I am standing in the middle of the road on the side of a mountain, with a perfect view of Los Angles. I'm talkin' to some guy who says he has these rocks that when you put them in the water, they purify the water... and the glow in the dark too! HAHA... I laughed and looked into the bucket and saw just regular rocks. Whatever. Then I look out towards the view of LA and notice that the sun is setting... but the sky is just a light, semi dark blue. I look at the rocks again and they are glowing different shades of green, "Huh, they DO glow in the dark, haha." Then, all of a sudden the sky turns black... like midnight black. I look at the guy and we both think, wow that was weird. Then there's a HUGE bright light, and where LA was, is a giant growing glowing orange and red and yellow ball.... which turns into a MUSHROOM CLOUD! I look at the guy, and we both say HOLY SHIT! And run... I start running cause i know I'm gonna feel the wind from the explosion. I try and grab something on the side of the road, and notice a huge metal door in the ground, a bomb shelter, I try and grab it, but the wind already got me... I wake up.

Ya. So, let's recap, death of a friend, warehouse, choking, pool with crystal clear water and some ripples in it, green rocks, a hill, red yellow and orange, and an explosion and massive wind. All those subjects.

DEATH
To dream about the death of a loved one, suggests that you are lacking a certain aspect or quality that the loved one embodies. Ask yourself what makes this person special or what do you like about him. It is that very quality that you are lacking in your own relationship or circumstances. Alternatively, it indicates that whatever that person represents has no part in your own life.
To dream of your own death, indicates a transitional phase in your life. You are becoming more enlightened or spiritual. Alternatively, you are trying desperately to escape the demands of your daily life.

WAREHOUSE
To see a warehouse in your dream, represents stored energy or hidden resources. They also refer to memories. You may also be putting your ambitions and goals on hold.

CHOKING
To dream that you are choking on an object, suggests that you may find some advice/remarks/situation hard to swallow or difficult to accept. In particular, if you are choking on food, then it may be an expression of self-guilt and unnurtured feelings.
To dream that someone is choking you, indicates that you are suppressing your emotions or that you may have difficulties in expressing your fears, anger, or love. Consider the phrase "being all choked up". Alternatively, you may feel that you are being prevented or restricted from freely expressing yourself.
To dream that you are choking someone, signifies feelings of aggression. You may also be trying to prevent something from being said or revealed.
Choking dreams are often a fearful experience and it is not uncommon for dreamers to awaken from them.

POOL
To see a pool of water in your dream, indicates that you need to understand and deal with your emotions. You need to dive right in. Alternatively, a pool may indicate your need for cleansing. You need to wash away the past.

WATER
To see water in your dream, symbolizes your unconscious and your emotional state of mind. Water is the living essence of the psyche and the flow of life energy. It is also symbolic of spirituality, knowledge, healing and refreshment. If the water is calm, clear, then it signifies that you are in tune with your spirituality. It denotes serenity, peace of mind, and rejuvenation.

ROCKS
To see rocks in your dream, signifies permanence and stability as expressed in the familiar phrase "as solid as a rock". It may also indicate that you are making a commitment to a relationship. Or you may be contemplating some changes in your life that will lay the groundwork for a more solid foundation. On the other hand rocks may also symbolize stubbornness, disharmony and unhappiness.

BLUE GREEN ORANGE RED YELLOW
Blue represents truth, wisdom, heaven, eternity, devotion, tranquility, loyalty and openness. The presence of this color in your dream, may symbolize your spiritual guide and your optimism of the future. You have clarity of mind.
Depending on the context of your dream, the color blue may also be a metaphor of "being blue" and feeling sad.
Green signifies a positive change, good health, growth, healing, hope, vigor, vitality, peace, and serenity. Green is also symbolic of your strive to gain recognition and establish your independence. Money, wealth and jealousy are often associated with this color.
Dark green indicates materialism, cheating, deceit, and/or difficulties with sharing. You need to balance between your masculine and feminine attributes.
Orange denotes friendliness, courtesy, lively, sociability, and an out-going nature. You may want to expand your horizons and look into new interests.
Red is an indication of raw energy, force, vigor, intense passion, aggression, power, courage and passion. The color red has deep emotional and spiritual connotations.
Red is also the color of danger, shame, sexual impulses and urges. Perhaps you need to stop and think about your actions.
The color yellow has both positive and negative connotations. If the dream is a pleasant one, then the color yellow is symbolic of intellect, energy, agility, happiness, harmony, and wisdom. On the other hand, if the dream is an unpleasant one, then the color represents cowardice and sickness. You may have a fear or an inability to make a decision or take action. As a result, you are experiencing many setbacks.

EXPLOSIONS
To see explosions in your dream, signifies a loss and displeasure in business. It may also mean that your repressed emotions and rage have come to the surface in a forceful and violent manner.

WIND
To dream of blowing winds, symbolizes your life force, energy, and vigor. It reflects changes in your life. To dream of strong or gusty winds, represents turmoil and trouble for you. You are experiencing much stress in some waking situation.

Other nonsense in my head

So I've had a lot of time to myself recently due to the fact that I'm not working right now (my contract went up so I'm just enjoying time off). And I've had a lot of time to think. My mind wanders considerably and most of the time it's really nothing worth writing down in my "memoirs". But lately I've been thinking about the word love.
That's a pretty strong word ya know? I mean. Lots of people tend to throw it around and I'd like to think they know what it means. But that's a really really strong word. Sure, you got variant degrees of the word love. I love ice cream and dark chocolate. But I'm not a freak who likes to, you know, do stuff with it. That's called a "fetish" kids, not love (or just overly obessive, and in which case requires a psychatric evaluation).
There's love for your friends, family love, love for your pets, love of your hobbies, love in the admiration of someone else. But what about the love of a spouse, or a romantic partner. I think it's possible to love a few people in your life, and even to fall into love even fewer than that. But what about true love. Nah. I don't think that exists. I think that when you are in love with someone, that that would be the truest form of love. Making it a true love, yes, but not a true love in the definition of fairy tales. True love is that ever deeping love you have for someone. The kind that makes you do stupid things without thought. The kind that is so hard to resist that it's nearly impossible to let go of the person. It's the kind where you can't think of anyone else but them. It's a great and evil love all at the same time. I'm pretty positive that it's not easy to fall out of "true love" as it is to just fall out of regular love. If you love someone you can start to dislike them and get annoyed by them and eventually just not want to be with them anymore. But if you are "in" love, which would be my definition of true love, then you take the good with the bad.... sortaspeak. Sure there's things that annoy you and things you don't like, but you accept it because thats who they are and thats what they do. There's just too many positives to view any of the negatives.
Now I don't think any of this makes me a romantic by any means, but it's just a thought that goes through my head. When people say I love you, what do they mean by that? Obviously I can cross off family and friends on the list, cause I know how they mean it. But what about the romantic relationship? What about afterwards? When all is over and it didn't work but they still say it? What's the point at that time for saying those words? It's not like it has the same meaning, right? It's lost its depth. It's like firing your best cook and telling him that you'll miss his cooking. What's the point in firing the guy in the first place?!?! Seems kinda futile and stupid if you ask me. I mean if there was still potential in a possibility of random circumstances sporadically changing to maybe have a spark again, then sure, why not I guess. But isn't that just leading the poor sap on? Is "sap" a gender specific term? I don't think it is, I use it as a non-gender specific term here.
So I guess I'm actually contradicting myself here. I do believe in true love, but only if "true love" means to be "in love".
I've been on that road. Unfortunatly that particular road has come to a dead end a couple of times and I've had to go back and try a different path, but I'm hopeful that eventually I'll find a road that doesn't have a dead end.

You know what the worst part about being me is? Is that I can actually argue this whole thing and convince myself that I'm wrong. This paragraph started concieted, I realize that, and it wasn't intentional. I was just mearly trying to make the point that everything I said above I could easily argue and most likely convince myself that I'm wrong... and somehow get me to buy myself a coke. I suppose now that I've said all this you, being the reader, feel like you've just wasted your time, grasping the reality that Matt has no idea what he's talking about. Yep. That's right. Most of the nonsense I write doesn't make any sense.... no different from when I actually try and have a conversation. HAHA. So... uh... congratulations on wasting your time! I win.

This picture is totally New York

Tuesday. Not too a shabby of a day. This morning we got in line at about 8:15am to try and get some tickets for the Conan O'brien show. And by about 4:30pm we discovered that we wouldn't be able to get tickets. But the day wasn't wasted. Not at all. I got to go and check out Nintendo World... which was totally awesome! (I'm such a little kid) Plus I got to go to the 3 story Toys R Us! Also very awesome. Those were what I was almost most excited about. Aside from the fun with my sister rocking out on Rockband in Nintendo, we took the NBC tour, and got to go to the top of Rockefeller Plaza. I got some amazing pictures from there. Actualy I got tons of amazing pictures today. I had a 2 New York hot dogs, which were really good too. After looking at Times Square and then eating at some random restaurant where are Greek waitress picked on me (she was really funny and really cool), I saw my first Broadway (off-broadway?) Musical called 'Title of Show'. It was absolutely hilarious. Seriously an amazing show. It was a really good day. Now I'm just relaxing in my bed about to go to sleep. I can't wait to type on my computer about te bizarre stuff. I'm kinda sleepy. Night.

Ahh New York...

I finally made it. Not quite a hop skip and a jump away. More like 2 planes, a train and a subway ride to my sister's apartment in Queens sounds better. first off let me tell you... I RODE A TRAIN! It was awesome. Once again I was a little kid who couldn't sit still. I got a lot of goofy pics of my youngest sister Kim. And some pics of the outside scenery between Parksburg Pennsylvania and New York New York. It was really awesome getting here today. The train made a brief stop at the Philadelphia train station where I got a philly cheesesteak and some taco bell. I can honestly say that California's Taco Bells are way better. Once in New York one of the first things I saw was the Empire State Building. Way cool. Took a subway to my sister's place. That was pretty awesome. It's super hot down there though... quite disgustingly hot actually. Susi's place is really cozy and nice. Eventhough there's a train track about 10 yards or so away, its nice. Tomorrow will be pretty exciting cause I'll be seing more of New York and possibly going to see the Conan O'Brien show tomorrow. Can not wait. It's finally nice to spend time with just my sisters. Different cause my parents have always been there, but still fun.

Just the first sentence of the picture..

Its Sunday and I'm still in Pennsylvania spending time with my grandparents, my uncle, mom, both sisters and shawn (susi's boyfriend). Friday was very uneventful. Nobody was home except me and I woke at about 1pm. Searched for food and found nothing incredible or hardly edible. I was ale to make 2 hardboiled eggs but it tok me an hour at least due to the fact that I'm retarded and can't opperate the stove to make water boil. I also got to see my friend Chris and his girl for a couple of hours and get real food. Then I was up for hours with my uncle gary playing some pc game. Saturday was pretty much the same; games all day and hysterical lauging with my uncle. The rest of the family came in later that night. Today gary, mom and us kids did sme mini golf, took pictures of random Amish, and many other random things. Plenty of laugter everywhere. I love it. New York is tomorrow evening. YAY!

My plane ride...

So it starts at 1pm. I'm sitting on the plane. I can't wait. The adreline is at a slow start, but I can still feel it all the same. I'm sitting right over the wing closest to the engine. So if the jet engine blows up, I'll be the first to go, which is okay with me. I've taken some pictures with my phone and suprisingly they didn't turn out half bad. This is gonna be a long day. I'm saving this message so that I can add to it more after I land. I'll probably post at the end of the day. "Leav-ing on a jet plane..."



Well I'm currently sitting in a terminal in Atlanta Georgia. It's very thunderstormy outside, lightening and such. I love lightening. I've also come to the conclusion that I'm quite morbid. Landing on a wet run way I thought it would be cool to spin out and do donuts. I also forgot how much I love flying. I swear I was like a little kid hyped up on too much sugar. I kept giggling as we took off an I couldn't stop looking out my window and back out the opposite side's window. Luckily the older women who sat next to me thought it was cute, and not annoying. I don't think there's really anything else to say about this terminal.

Sheesh. Weather and planes don't mix. Due to the rain here in Atlanta I've been delayed 1 one hour. I'm on the plane now, but still that totally sucks. Good news is I'm over the wing right by the engine again. I think this is a perfect place to be. If the plane suddenly goes down, that's an out of control long death or incredible pain before death. If the engine blows up and I'm right there... swift death. Perfect. WHOA! I just saw the radest lightening outside. Plus I got two windows. Fantastical.



I finally arrived. Waiting for my baggage. Everytime I get on a plane tons of quotes from the movies airplane pop into my head. And when the plan is about to land more quotes come into play. But when the plane finally touches the ground its trying to slow down I hear Roger Rabbit shout "BRAKES! BRAKES! WHERE ARE THE BRAKES!"

I really don't have anything else to say. Here's to another day. Yay for mobile blogging. hahaha. I hope my sister doesn't read this before I see her on Saturday. That would totally suck.

Can you read me now?

I'm just testing to see if I can actually post blogs this way. This would be pretty awesome if it works.

Vacationing... and other randomness

How is it possible to go on a vacation, a trip you've planned to relax and have fun, and you always come back more sore, and less relaxed then when you leave? I recently went to San Diego... recently being last weekend. I was there from a Wednesday to a Sunday, 4 nights for those who are keeping track. It was awesome times. So here's the small adventures we went on.

Wednesday:
Got there roughly at about 3 and walked 2 miles over to the convention center. The hotel we stayed at wasn't bad, it wasn't fantastic. Let me just say that I'm thankful the elevator held up while we were there, and I'm still trying to figure out why this hotel needs a helipad.
So we walked the 2 miles to the center, and got to witness the first of the hard core nerds who attended this year's comic book convention, or as it is more widely known, Comic-Con. We got our passes and then continued to wait till about 6pm when the opened the doors to the exhibit hall. The exhibit hall, for those who are oblivious, is an incredibly massive hall that houses huge constructed booths to showcase new products, and new films. Some of these booths will give free stuff away, or have famous actors, directors, writers, and others giving autographs. This year they had it a little bit more organized with the major companies like Sony, and DC, and Warner Brothers in the center of the hall, to the left were video game companies like Capcom and Konami, and to the far right were all the sellers. Merchandise was sold everywhere. The first day wasn't fantastic, but it was pretty awesome with exclusive toys and collectibles practically everywhere you looked and tons of free swag.
After letting it all sink in, we left, at about 8pm. We took a shuttle back to the hotel, and then caught a cab back to Gas Lamp, about a mile or so away from the hotel. This is where it really starts. During the course of that night I gained the taxi cab driver's cell number for later pick up, 2 bouncers knew us, and if I remember correctly 3 bartenders. Not a bad night to start off.

Thursday:
This was practically a full day of convention nonsense. With random pictures of booth babes, and tons of panels to sit in on. Oh... ya.. panels. The Comic-con isn't all just a ploy to suck you dry of your precious green with promises of invaluable nerd-dom. No no no. There's also panels. Rooms to go to and other halls to sit at and listen to some of the more idolised people in the entertainment industry. Writers, actors, directors, creators, you name it, they were there. The movie industries usually take up Hall H. Hall H seats upwards of 6500 people. Keep in mind that that's probably 1/5 or 1/6 of the whole convention. The rest of the downstairs is taken by the exhibit hall, which should give you an idea of just how big it is. Usually the movie industries give away the most free crap. Shirts, posters, bags, random worthless baubles that when you were little ment something to you, but now you look at and think "what a waste of money."
So after spending a full day at the con and then walking back to the room. Not only were our legs and feet tired, but we were pretty exhausted as well. Ordered some Dominos and was about ready to call it a night when my own curiousity had gotten to me. You see, on Wednesday night, the Head of Security at a random bar we had visited and checked out, was having a Vampire Night. I wasn't planning on going, but after about 1 hour of sitting in the room, I got restless. Eventually Jeff was coaxed into going and we walked back down to the bar.
Vampire Night = Weird shit. Ya... seriously. Hollywood paints vampires as sexy and naughty and crazy weird. They are all but crazy weird. Standing there listening to some weird randition of Ramstien and watching random sized women in what I guess was lingerie that had been found at thrift mart only added to my nausea. It wasn't until the whips came out that I started to actually get really scared. It was probably the worst car accident I've seen. And I use that metaphor because it was exactly that. Your own curiousity got the better of you, you slow down in your car and stare, because you want to know how bad it is. Afterwards, you feel like an idiot for slowing down and wished you hadn't had looked. Well, that's mostly my sentiment on this subject matter as well. Once the tall queer looking stick in a speedos got up on stage to have his turn with a whiping, I threw in the towel, said my good byes and went to the Bitter End. The Head Security (George) was in shock about the weirdness as well as the bartender chick (Tatanya). Meanwhile there was a good version of some musical impersonator downstairs that I actually kinda enjoyed.
That was about it for that day. The taxi was in Del Mar, so another 1.3 mile hike back to the hotel. OH and I swear I thought I saw Jean-Claude Van Damn! Screw you Jeff it was him!

Friday and Saturday:
Nothing really extremly wierd happened. I got a random knot on the back of my head, and I got 4 mosquito bug bites and a spider bite from falling asleep on the helipad. For those of you who know me, that's semi normal. The rest of the weekend involved standing around in line to listen to some overpaid people talk about a movie I don't really care about only to find out that I'm not getting any swag. Waste of time. Randomly wandering the halls of the exhibit hall, meeting a few people I admire (Co-creator of Venture Brothers: Jackson Publik, and Jimmy Robinson: Co Creator of the Joker). Got to see a really down to earth easy going Hugh Jackman talk about his new movie Wolverine. Which looks amazing by the way. George came down Friday, and so did Elliot with some random friends. George Jeff and I went out, while Elliot and his friends "enjoyed" the room. Saturday Jetsun joined George, Jeff and I, while Elliot took off. Saturday was interesting. Not much going on, we played a lot of pool, and enjoyed ourselves at random places.

Sunday:
We ate at Denny's after checking out just in time and then parted ways after breakfast/lunch.

Overall it was a fun trip and it really made me feel like I could make a home down in San Diego. I really enjoy going down there and have been thinking about my options at this point. FYI for everyone, I have more pictures of comic-con... well... about 5 good ones. But the real pictures should be viewed at my friend Albert's page. He has a great camera and took amazing photos. Some of which I was there for. This can be viewed at
http://patrick005.com
Enjoy the pictures.
Hopefully on my next trip, which will be here sooner than I think, I will be able to blog through my cell. I know that sounds nerdy and lame, but it actually has a kinda cool sound to it to me. I'd love to be able to write down those events and thoughts after they happen. Maybe it's just me. Eh *shrugs* whateva.

One more time...

So for those of you who were quick enough to catch the former blog, congrats. But for those who weren't able to see it in the last 3 hour span... sucks for you. I don't normally delete anything, but it was pretty lame and pathetic and there was no thought-out thoughts (shut up, that makes sense).
I'll write another blog about my vacation, but right now, I just want to semi rant and talk about something that is on my brain.

I believe a lot of things. And also I don't believe in very many things either. Yes yes yes, I know, I read a particular blog and it had thoughts in my head. But I've had these thoughts over the weekend and whereas I wanted to write them down on here, I couldn't for lack of a computer or connection. So here I am, writing it now.

I believe there is something called love. I don't there is TRUE love. I think that's a fantasy that we've created to make us feel optimistic. I believe there numerous people for one person. Not one. In no way am I saying that cheating is acceptable because of that statement. My thoughts are that if you are with someone who you love more than anything, and then they die, then there are backups to that one. It's possible to love more than once. I believe that. I don't believe that it's easy to be IN love with someone. There IS a difference between loving someone and being IN love with someone.

When you become IN love with someone there's a different chemistry going on in your head. I also think that you can grow to be in love with someone. I also think that you can just feel a hardcore connection and be in love with someone right off the bat. I know that sounds odd and crazy and make believe like, but I believe that. I believe that it's possible to get "swept off your feet" and "fall head over heals" and all that garbage. I think that's what being IN love is. Sure, you might not feel that way all the time. But the idea is always there. You can't ignore them. You can't leave them alone. You can't stop thinking about them. They could have done some seriously messed up stuff, emotionally or physically, but you are still just insane about them. That's part of being IN love. To me it is. Being willing to deal with all the crap that flies at you from their mouth, or the drama or baggage that they might carry with them. Being willing to take a bullet or sacrifice anything you have for them... that is being IN love. I don't find it to be that rare.
To love someone... well, that's simple. You enjoy their company but don't think about them all the time. Now let me clear something up really quick here. I don't mean "all the time" as in every moment of every moment. (ya, that's right) I mean that you think about them more than others. You do things first for them then other people. They are on your mind more than other people are. I believe that you can love someone and grow to be in love with them.

One of the major things that a lot of people forget is that everything is work. Family, friends, love, relationships... all of it is work. There's not one thing that isn't work about it. You keep in contact with family and friends, you try and stay in touch, visit them, say happy birthday, whatever it is, its work. You have to or else you won't feel the love from them back, because they feel like you don't care. And vise versa, if they don't try to show you, you feel less love for that person. When it comes to a romantic relationship though, its work. Sure, the first 3 months or 5 months, or friggin awesome. Who doesn't love that part. Learning about each other and exploring what makes that person tick. That's how you fall in love, or learn to love someone. You appreciate who they are, and where they come from. But things get boring after that. People grow to know each other so well that it becomes boring. And then they long for what they had. What was 3 months ago, is no longer there. So now comments like "you changed" or "your not the same as when I met you" or the ever famous conversation that starts with "we need to talk" start happening more frequently. This is where work comes in. Not from just one side, but both. Both sides need to work to keep the attention span, or to feel love from the other person. Random-ness is a must. I've learned this in a hard way.
Budgeting time and making time and having money and making money and making a relationship work is tough. So what's the point in having a relationship? Because there's the knowledge that you have one person who will always be there for you no matter what. When you fall you don't fall alone. When you have a great day, you can share it with that person and they will enjoy it with you. Sure friends and family can do that too, but getting a raise or a new job is way more enjoyable when you can share that newness and the benefits from it with someone. Plus, when you're down on your luck, your loved one cheers you up. Makes you feel good about yourself. To grow and experience life together is an awesome thing that should be cherished and hoped for. All the work you put, all that effort pays off.

That's pretty much what I believe. I know the bad and the good of a relationship now. I know how things can go from great to worse in a matter of seconds. Nobody has enough of an attention span to do the same thing over and over and over. It's horrible. Being different and changing it up and doing new things is an awesome way to keep going on everyday. I honestly couldn't think of a better feeling that having the knowledge that you have that one person.

One more thing before I wrap this up.
Walls. Everyone has some form of a wall up. Everyone. A tiny little mound of a dirt to the Great Wall of China. I understand why you might have it too. As I've developed my own walls. I've finally built some. I really didn't have any. I honestly believed that I didn't. I put all of me out there every chance that comes by. But I've learned that's not good. Plus, I've discovered that if you have walls up for too long, you could end up hurting yourself more than you would others. Discovering those inner walls and being able to take that chance to let someone in is a huge task. But in life you have to take risks or you could miss out on awesome wonderful things.

Over the past few years I've changed my mind on a lot of things. Sure I might be more or less spiritual. I've got more of a zen quality to me now. Plus some random ideas like how I wanted to have 3 kids... hahaha. Ya... if I have kids, cool, if not, whatever. I had the notion that being that I was the last one with the family namesake, that I HAD to carry it on. I've discarded that idea and I'm taking a more *i don't care* attitude. I'll be happy with what I have whenever I have it. I also want to move to places and travel and do random things. I refuse to just sit day in and day out and not do something fun and exciting when I can. Ya... I think that's it.

So ya...

I have this other blog on this site as well, but I've made it personal. Why I just announced that I honestly have no idea. It's 2:27am and I don't have to get up at 5:30am anymore. I think at this hour, and being up for nearly 24 hours I'm allowed to say things that don't make any sense. But then again. When DO I make any sense? Half of the words and sentances and stories out of my mouth have no point and no reason to them. It's like I talk to enjoy hearing myself talk. But that's not the case at all as I really don't enjoy hearing my own voice. Maybe I just like being part of a conversation or "conversing" with people. 24 hours is a long time.... and the day went by surprisingly fast too. Which is a good thing being that I don't have to work again till... well... hopefully a week or two before september. Of course, I wouldn't mind the WHOLE month off... that would be cool. Tomorrow I start my vacation. San Diego... whoo hoo!! I think I've annoyed enough people with that information. HOLY CRAP. I just remembered a dream. *to the batcomputer*... or something like that.............................
So much for that. I always go to dreammoods.com to look up my dreams. I'm fascinated by translations of such random ongoings in my sleep. The dream I had was me at a huge long table... sitting right in the middle of it... have my own plate of food... and it was my favorite... just piled high with food. It was a happy dream. Now I'm hungry damn it. bah. Sleep should be good right about now. ... uh.... ya. I think I'll do that.


one last thing:

"balls"
to properly understand what that means....
http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/408342 - Masterminds 1
http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/420990 - Masterminds 2
http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/432902 - Masterminds 3

Just click where it says watch movie. It's worth it.

"Balls"

"I've been blogging..."

Not that much time, but enough to see that I haven't been on in awhile. Things are good. Work is almost done. The contract is up on the 25th, but I'm out on the 22nd. Tuesday the 22nd is my last day. I'm soooooo excited. I'm gonna be going on a nice road trip down to San Diego. I seriously can't wait. Then I don't work. No work for a month. Unless a new contract comes up. But I don't want to work. I want to go to the beach EVERYDAY. It's gonna be awesome. FRIGGIN AWESOME!!!! Whoo Hoo!
So ya, since the last post I've been doing great. Just working and going out on the weekends. Nothing major, nothing minor. Just living life and finally back to being comfortable with myself. GOOD GOD I CAN'T WAIT FOR MY VACATION TO START!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHA.