End of the Year Wrap Up

Please allow me to start off by talking directly to this year.

Mr. 2011:

You sir, are a jerk. A very oddly craptacular year. I feel that this year, unlike previous years before you, had been an unconditional violent love. You greeted me a few months into the year with a Louisville Slugger Baseball Bat, to the back of the head and proceeded to break my legs all while saying "it's for your own good".  I'm pretty sure that explains everything in a nutshell. And for that moment, I'm thankful. I hate you, but I'm still thankful. 

This year has been a whirlwind of events for me. For those of you who already knew me, you've most likely seen the major changes I've made and strides I've done to better myself. For those of you have gotten to know me over the past several months, I'm lucky to have you in my life. 

I really feel that this year needed to be over a long time ago, but that could have been due to my own impatience. Overall, I'm glad it didn't end. A good chunk of this year really sucked. I mean it was not even craptacular, it was just crap. Lots of headaches and struggling to find who I am, and where I'm going. 

I'm very proud to annouce that this next year is definitely a new year. A new year in more ways than before. I know I know, you can always start a new year whenever you want. You can start new hobbies, thought processes, ect ect. But it most definitely helps to have a solid starting point as 1/1/insert year.

I got goals my friends. Big plans. Lots of things that go into many aspects of my life. I'll be writting an entry in my regular blog for goals either today or tomorrow. This coming year is going to be an Epically Awesome year. I can feel it.

My toast to you; my friends and family, all of you who I hold so dear and respect so much, Thank you. Thank you for the time you've spent with me, the advice you've given me, and the extreme patience you've had with me. I pray that this coming year be a year of trials, hardships. Yes, you read that right. I want the best for all of you. I want you to gain strength and knowledge. I want positive growth and pure happiness to well up inside you as you see where you've been and where you are now. I want positivity to flourish in your everyday life from the superhero like strength you gained from the turmoil you faced. My friends, you are all incredible in you're own specific way, and I only want this year to be one of increased blessings and awesomeness for all of you. I would not be the person I am today, if I had not encountered this year with your guidance and help. Again, I'm eternally grateful. Tonight, I have a single drink for all of you, wherever you are, Thank You. 

Good bye 2011, thanks for breaking my legs and making me re-learn how to walk.

Oh, and if you didn't like my toast, then this one works too.

‎"May your coming year be filled with magic and dreams and good madness. I hope you read some fine books and kiss someone who thinks you're wonderful, and don't forget to make some art -- write or draw or build or sing or live as only you can. And I hope, somewhere in the next year, you surprise yourself." -Neil Gaiman

-Me

Killing Romance

This particular blog title could be interpreted a couple of ways. I could be describing how to kill romance, or I could be going on about romance that kills.  I haven't quite figured out which yet. Personally, I think this might just be me describing what I feel romance is and how it might be a complete myth made up of half a life time of movies and television.

Romance, by dictionary.com is defined as:

1. A novel or other prose narrative depicting heroic or marvelous deeds, pageantry, romantic exploits, etc., usually in a historical or imaginary setting. 
2. the colorful world, life, or conditions depicted in such tales. 
3. a medieval narrative, originally one in verse and in some Romance dialect, treating of heroic, fantastic, or supernatural events, often in the form of allegory. 
4. a baseless, made-up story, usually full of exaggeration or fanciful invention. 
5. a romantic spirit, sentiment, emotion, or desire.

I almost feel like I don't need to go on after reading the definition. "fanciful", "exaggeration", "imaginary setting"; those all seem like a solid basis to go off when saying that romance never existed to begin with. But, there's a small piece of me that believes it's not any of those. That it IS real. As ridiculous as it may sound, me being a guy and all (I highly doubt any other guy would admit to this) but with the child like hope that I still hold on to at the young spry age of 31 (32 in a month), I believe that Prince Charming DID wake up Snow White, that the Prince DID find the right woman for the glass shoe, and all those other fantasy stories about the guy getting the girl and sweeping her off her feet.

Okay okay wait, that was over the top. Those stories are WAY over the top. That can't happen today, right? Well, technically I think it does. I think it still can. I think it's very incredibly possible for it to continue on today. Hearing stories of friends and family getting married and how they proposed to the other. I have some great guy friends who really brought it, I mean, they went all out to have a surprise and do it right. Best part is, that it was a surprise and the woman never even saw it coming.  But it's always the guy putting on the romance. Sure there's PLENTY of moments that I've heard of a woman putting it all out there for the guy. I've had the great luck of actually experiencing it once or twice. It's because of my small amount of experience on this subject that it's difficult for me to believe that it actually exists. Or it could be that it's difficult to surprise me because I'm always paying attention to the smallest amount of changes that go on around me.

I have always had huge grandiose ideas, (did I use that word right? bah, whatever). I've got extravagant ideas, events, settings, theories, and small presentations that go on inside this creative brain of mine. I also have what I've thought to be a perfect date, that I have yet to bestow on anyone.  I have ideas that involve a plan, a map and a few extra people to help plan it out. I have no idea where these ideas come from. Most likely my creativity and the fact that my brain has been dowsed in various movies with romantic undertones.

You know what got me the other day? Watching a total guy movie, action and violence, and then, then... ready for this... the guy pushes the girl to the side, to protect her mind you, and then gently and passionately kisses her. Sure, we see that all the time, but what got to me was how the lighting came down to almost a focus on them, and everything around them, except them, went into slow motion. That... that right there, (pointing at the screen), BAM, I mean... ya. That. Of course after they stopped kissing, he turned around and beat the hell out of a some bad guy, and then she was in two kinds of shock, one from the kiss and one of a brutal murder. But I want to focus on that kiss. I know you know what I'm talking about. Many of you married people get it, and maybe a few of you single people do. It's that type of kiss that just sucks the air right out of the room.  Maybe there's fireworks, but I think this one is different. This is one of those moments where nothing else existed, life... life just... stopped. Breathtaking.

Time is relative. I think that is great proof of it.

I've gotten a little off track with where I was going, so you'll have to forgive me for backtracking a bit. I've written many times before on what I think a healthy relationship is. This part is not to be taken lightly or disregarded. I think passion and romance is almost one in the same thing. I think it's incredibly important to have the same passion you would for a favorite hobby or sport, as you would for a romantic interest. More so actually. I believe, and hope, that when there is some real fire in your heart, that just looking at the other person makes it burn hotter and brighter. Now please, don't take it as a sexual thing, cause that's not at all what I'm talking about here. If I was, I would have said a fire in your pants, but I didn't, I said your heart. The heart is the key to all of this. To feel that undying flame inside your chest and just to feel over joyed and excited when they look at you, smile, or whatever else drives you, that's probably one of the greatest feelings.

I think that when two people, find each other, with that same level of passion, the romance between them is epic... no... legendary. Ya..... legendary. HA! I think I just like saying that word... legendary.  Seriously though, could you imagine what would happen? Yikes.

I really shouldn't be writing at 3:30am, my writing is all over the place and I can NOT able to stay on track to save my life.

My point that I've been trying to make is that I want romance, and passion, and I want it to be shared with me, instead of me always trying to, or for the most part, wanting to share it with someone else. I'd like to experience what others have experienced and would like to know that it's not completely dead and only one gender sided. I've only heard of it, or, well.. I have seen it, but maybe not as often as I would have liked to completely fulfill this odd need of mine.

Okay okay... that's it. No more. I don't even know what I've been typing anymore, I just know that insomnia sucks and not being tired tends to lead to some interesting brain activity. Sigh, I hope this blog didn't suck. I'll re-read it tomorrow.

Just a simple Bible Verse

"...God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them.This is how love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment: In this world we are like Jesus.There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

We love because he first loved us."

1 John 4:16-19

Redesigned

Check it out! I just redesigned the whole page. Well, actually just the background. But I'm very pleased with it. I've been wanting to do this for awhile. I also merged some blogs into this one. I had another blog that some people might be familiar with. It was called Personal Chaos. I'm no longer using that blog and have moved on to this one. I felt that it was a good time to transition. I've gone through a lot of changes this year and because of it, I've grown up a lot more. "Personal Chaos" was more of a definition of the chaotic madness that went on inside my head. Now that I feel I have it mostly under control, I understand more things and I've matured, I can move on to this blog. This one will be regular blog for most everything. I'm quite excited about it. I think "Brain Jibberish" is a great description of what some of my writing is, jibberish. 

So ya, I'm excited.

Nothing...

I wanted to write last week, but unfortunately I couldn't come up with a good general topic to write about. Hopefully this week will be calmer for me to have something to bring up and talk about in a general way. I have another blog however that I'm writing in that is a bit... well. way more personal if you want read that.
-this guy.

Metaphorical Balance

I've discovered just how important balance is in one's life. Sure, it seems like a pretty basic idea and concept, but think about it for a second. I'm not talking about regular patterns. A regular pattern can cause a something of a "rut" or cause some unrest and problems. I'm actually talking about total and utter balance.

Think about the ying yang sign. A constant balance of dark and light, good and evil, ect ect ect, blah blah blah. It's kinda like that. What I'm refering to is a balance of the mind, body and soul; mental, physical, emotional and spiritual. Habits, not patterns, can help keep a solid balance in check. 

I'm fully aware that on occasion when I write, I tend to use words that other people might have their own definition of, and by own definition I mean, their own personal meaning of it. So, let me explain what I mean between habits and patterns. Habits would be exercising (running, lifting weights, ect), or a regular hobby (social dancing, building or fixing things, learning something new). Patterns would be having a regular routine in which all of those things go in a specific order day in and day out. For me, as an example, I was running every morning, and dancing every night. With the additive of work and moving, my pattern was thrown off, and attempting to find time a proper schedule to keep my hobbies in line, has caused me to feel unbalanced. It had a snowball effect. By not running, I wasn't having my spiritual and emotional time to unwind and prepare for the day, causing me to feel a bit out of sorts as I dealt with mental concepts from work and such; as well as my physical self was creating more energy than it knew what to do with causing a bit more anxiety and pressure in other areas of my life. 

Through all of this, I've realized how important it is to have a proper balance, much like cereal commercial, it's part of a well balanced diet to keep everything juggled properly. 

I really wanted to write a lot more on this subject, but quite honestly, it's pretty cut and dry and there really isn't much else I can add to it without making it sound way more personal that I want this blog to become. So for those of you who might read this, add some insight. I'd love to hear it.

Brain Leakage from another blog.

Over the past several weeks, many things have been abundantly clear to me, or at least made clear through many various things. My own personal validation and humbling experiences and how important it is to hold on to and not forget about. Secondly, a lot of my thought patterns in regards to relationships, my past, and romance in general, as well as my view on sex, or sexual content in a relationship. Lastly, it's SO important to have balance. I mean,... seriously. Important. So where do I start?

Personal Validation
I believe I've already talked about this. But the value of having accomplishments and goals and motivation has always fallen short with me. I always belittled myself and anything I've done. I've never owned anything as my own, and quite honestly any confidence you saw as a friend or lover or whatever you were, well, that was fake confidence. I never truly had it. Sure, I came across cocky, arrogant and sometimes just way to full of hot air, but that should only be proof of my incredible acting skills, no? Just start at the beginning of this blog! Or heck, look at some of my old writings on my old blog ( ). Sometimes it was genuine I'm sure, but all in all, it wasn't there. It was pathetic and sad. And really, whereas I might have tried to get some kind of self-confidence security from a friend, a family member, or most of the time from a girlfriend, it all came down to myself and my own inabilities to recognize my "potential?" I don't know if that's the right word for it, but it fits, so I'll go with it. As I've gone on this journey of depression and self-actualization, I've most definitely grown and gained my own source of strength through various small goals and medium sized goals on my way to becoming a fully grown confident mentally and emotionally healthy adult. Not really mature 100% of course (I still have way more boxes of toys than dishes and clothes, but I'm close at least)

The final piece, I think, was the job. I had been missing that for quite some time. As I came into my own self-awareness and learned about my faults, my insecurities, and fears and whathaveyou, I felt this increasing feeling of a work ethic. It became more and more important to me to work and to strive for something. It's most definitely new ground for me. Wait, don't get me wrong. I've worked before, and when I do, and I'm on the job, I really do work hard and want to get it done as fast and effeceintly as possible. Problem is, I get bored after I finish a job, or I might finish it WAY too quickly in which case I've put myself out of a job. Regardless, the point is that I've had a work ethic that was strong, just not the motivation to go find a place to use it. The past several months have helped to strengthen that drive and to teach me just how important it is to have money, friends and family in my life. How those connections can help in so many various ways.

Oh, and I know I'm missing out a HUGE part of all of this. Many friends might not be of a christian belief, and that's cool. For me though, I gotta say that all of this, the very roof over my head, to the awesome little dog sitting on my lap right now (my friend's dog) is a total gift from God. The job, the family, the friends, the experiences, all of it. I mean, wow, really? I can't tell you how many times I have told God thank you and how many more times I'll keep doing it. I can recall various moments in my past where I had been so overjoyed with happiness and thankfulness. I mean, it's a little old news now, but when I had met my last x, there were so many times driving home that I had just laughed and screamed out of happiness and thankfulness for her. But I digress. The main thing to take away from this is that a job is quite important, but doesn't make you who you are. What makes you important is how you feel about yourself. Sure, a job does help, but what it comes down to is being able to accept yourself for your faults and issues and problems and fixing those emotional, mental, or spiritual blockades in a healthy permanent fashion. I'd add physical blockades, but if you fix the other problems first, that one goes with it. It's truly and eye opening experiences.

Relational Catastrophic Metamorphosis
So many things have added a new perspective to my almost permanently and slightly jaded view on relationships as a whole. I can start from my 3rd party view of how couples should be interacting and the honesty and integrity that is involved in it. I could also add in the importance of how a man should treat his woman, and how he should respond to certain situations, as well as how he should handle himself as an individual and as a spouse. I could go into how a female should do the same as well, or the subject matter of how she would handle herself and interact with the husband. I could go into great lengths on the importance of understanding and compassion and communication needed between two people. Maybe I would start with many of personal opinions about what I might want or do want, or feel I deserve and need. I could write a novel on it actually. I've been hanging out with a lot of female friends and married couples lately. To be completely honest, it's added so much insight and perspective that I feel my brain might implode on itself. I'm gonna start there.
The thing is, sometimes we need a reminder as to why a relationship is even important. I've been super incredibly stubborn about dating as a whole, and even still, after all of this thinking and pondering and analyzing, I really still don't want to date at all. However, as many people will be happy to hear, I'm not completely prone to being turned off by the possibility. Let me get back to my point. Getting the compliments, hearing the love from others, and really just feeling the love and affection coming from, well, another female... well it reminded me of something. Keep in mind it's all been platonic and just being awesome friends, but feeling that warmth, it reminded me of something I actually missed that I had forgotten about. When you don't date, don't go out and don't get any kind of... ANY kind of physical affection or love from another person, you forget what you are missing. I mean, ya... sometimes you'll see a couple kiss, or hug or whatever, but it's not quite the same as having that particular hug that says thanks, or just kinda hits that emotional level at your core...... sigh.... can I sound cheesy or what? I'm sure I could add more sap to that sappiness, but let's just stop there ya? I'm hoping you get what I'm talking about. It's absolutely not a sexual thing mind you, it's a deeper feeling than some purely physical interaction between a man and a woman. Its been moments like that; moments that have reminded me and defined the reasons for wanting a relationship. I'm sure I still have some baggage and issues to move past before I can overcome my total stubbornness and lack of "want", but it's a start for those who are cheering for me, so just take what you can get.
Watching and observing female friends, couples and their interactions with each other, it's been inspiring. I almost want to write a list of things I want. But I'm afraid that by writing that list I might be dooming myself to a life of complete singularity as it would be pretty specific and might only add to my level of stubbornness. All in all, it's been a very interesting 2 weeks. I'm sure I'll add more to this subject later, but for now, I think that's a big thing.


There's one last subject I want to talk about, but I'm still processing it and feel it'll be best suited to be written near the end of the week

More Insight from a 3rd Party into Healthy Relationships

The following is an excerpt from one of my many blogs. I felt it was something I should share with everyone, a little bit more insight into me... enjoy.

So, over the course of the last several months, I've been making mental lists, as well as probably a few written ones, as to what I need, want and require from a relationship. Now let me clarify something, for starters I'm going to refer to this whole subject in general terms, or at least try to, without making references to any one individual. Furthermore, I've already known what the difference is between need and want, and don't feel I need to go into too many specifics about either one, and only want to touch on a couple of the topics under that subject of need and want. On with the show...

I want someone who is secure in themselves. Better yet, I require it. I, in no way, want to sound conceited at all, and of course still realize that I'm growing and learning, and will never stop. But, I will say that if I'm going to be strong for myself, and secure in who I am in my beliefs and self-aware of my problems and issues, then I need someone who is in that place as well; someone who knows what their issues are, what their problems are, where they need to be watchful of with their habits. I'm not about to get into a relationship with someone who can't communicate properly with me about a problem they have about a habit or a choice I made. It's as simple as being a mature, reasonable adult who can recognize their own personal issues, as well as be understanding to their loved one in regards to their personal issues.  I have plenty of healthy awesome couples to pull from as examples if this idea baffles you. But it's true. It's possible. I've always known it was possible, but I also feel that at the very least ONE person has to be able to be strong enough to identify the concept and utilize it in a healthy way.

Secondly, I require passion. Passion is a wild word. It's different to so many people. And to be perfectly blunt, most people would relate the word passion in regards to a relationship, to mean sex, or "sexy time". But that's not the case here. When I use passion it simply means being able to express a love or desire for something or someone in a completely unhindered and unrestricted fashion. That's what I'm talking about. To me, passion can be expressed in numerous ways. For instance, one example could be if the man got up early and got his wife gas for her car before she was awake, making sure she didn't have to do it later. That's a small form of passion, to me at least, that shows his love for her. Doing things without being told. And something that also falls under that, that speaks to me on loud levels, is simple hugs and kisses. Just walking over and giving me a hug, randomly, for no reason, but just cause she loved/missed/wanted me. A simple hug.

I'm a physical person. I express my love in various romantic gestures (if given the chance) but being physical is one that I respond to best. And honestly, it's not sex. It's not of the sexual nature. It's really just simple kissing and hugging. Those two things are so under-rated it's ridiculous! Is it just me, or did anyone else ever enjoy just making out with your love on the couch. Okay okay... I'll admit it, I'm a hopeless romantic. I'm cheesy, sappy, and sometimes totally lame. So what? You like it, don't lie. It's endearing, no? So I have this soft sweet side, don't tell anybody.

I don't feel wrong in these two ideals. I think it's important to have both in order to have a healthy relationship. Sure, honesty, respect, communication, ect ect are important no doubt. But to be in a relationship without feeling the least bit amount of passion, unrestricted, straight up, raw, passion... well that's just horrible. And what about being secure in oneself? Couldn't it be impossible to have a healthy relationship if both people had issues and refused to deal with them from the onset, or at least strengthen each other to help deal with it? I believe that both are so important that, I require that as well, as I'm feeling way healthier and strong in all my current walks of life.

There's more to it of course, but this is the biggest general area part of the blog. Some of you I've already talked to about it, others I have not. I'd love to hear more insights as to what you all think.

Thanks.

BAM sucka, whaaaaaaaaaaaaat?!

Look at this guy! I'm a dangerous machine that has the new strength to get through adversity. I've been refined and sharpened to be an incredible weapon of adversity to pierce the heart of struggle and beat the hell out of discouragement. I've been down and out, low and gone, lost and stupid, hurt and depressed, pained and deathly, I've been in a world that had one color. Now? Well, NOW this guy is on top of the world. Okay... not on top of the world, but I'm pretty close to the north pole and I'm sure it's just a matter of time before I conquer the world and I can stand on top of my mountain again.
Nobody understands the importance of a job until you don't have one for way too long. It's ridiculous how long it takes to get one now a days and the negative effects it can cause without having one. It's annoying and totally discouraging. If there's one thing I understand it's how homeless people become homeless. Most of the time people don't give a thought about it and think they are lazy and shiftless. But what happens when YOU lose a job? When YOU don't have family or friends, or you become depressed, and struggle to just get by? What happens then? What happens when you can't afford to buy food? When you aren't plugged into some kind of community to help you out? You go homeless, you sell your stuff to TRY to make it work. You call up everyone you know, you reach out and you get desperate. You start collecting recyclables. Not because you want to help the world, but because you want to help yourself. A man's gotta eat, right? So you keep looking, keep trying. What happens when you don't have a cell phone, no internet, no computer. How do you get a job then? What happens when the water gets shut off, and there's no more money for soap or deodorant? How can you even walk in when you smell like the same garbage you threw out a few months ago? Sucks huh? Ya... well I'm blessed. I'm a little lucky, but mainly blessed with the people in my life.

So now I gotta job. It's been a while since I've been this excited and happy. I feel that there are endless possibilities and anything can happen now. I feel like I've gained some of that random innocence back that I lost as a kid. I'm in awe of the world and excited for what's next.

Think about the greatest moment of your life. The best time you ever had, or the moment you were just totally happy and at peace. Ya, that moment, I remember that time. I miss h... it. I miss it. But now? This moment right now? I got a job you fools!!!! It's a level of peace I haven't experienced in quite a few months. Okay, a lot of months.

Current state? Happy. Hahahahahahaha... I'm happy. Oh... and I ain't stoppin here... no no no no no no no no. I'm gonna keep going. What does that mean? Ask me. I got plans. I got ideas. I got theories and thoughts and a process. I WILL get what I want. I WILL NOT stop. I have changed. I changed in so many ways. I have the most unbelieveable clarity and it's incredible. Sigh. Thank you God, my family, and my friends for sticking with me on this one. ooooo... facebook note time. 2 of 3 blogs written... on to the next.

The importance of being validated...

So, this will be the first blog of 3 blogs I'm writing in the next 24 hours on various internet avenues. Congrats on starting here (if you start here). (EDIT: The other writings will be more personal on my other blogs, not on this one)

There's a lot of people without work. So many friggin' people. It's such a wide variety of people, it's insane. I've heard of so many random statistics on it. Apparently, there's all levels of college out of work, all the way up to people with a Masters Degree. I also recently heard that 50% of people between the ages of 18 to 34 are out of work. 40% of that group between the ages of 24 to 34 are also living back home with their parents or with some friends. My source for the information? My mother. What? Isn't Mom always right? Oh, I also heard that 50% of all statistics are made up.

Regardless of the stats, the truth is widely known, no work out there. Here's the thing about that. People, no matter how mentally healthy, and psychologically strong a person is, needs  to have some kind of "validation" and I use the term loosely. There's unhealthy validation, being accepted by certain people, waiting and hoping for the compliments to build up your self-esteem, basically dependent validation. That's not healthy... I, um... heard that once.
Then there's, what I like to think, a healthy validation; having goals met, making achievements, or a societal validation. An example is getting a job, or having a job. Sure, having some time off, being able to do what you want whenever you want, is nice. Going on vacation is supposed to allow for a recharge of the personal batteries, but usually ends up exhausting you more. But always being able to come back to the job, well, that's a comfort that many people forget about and take advantage of. If there's one thing I know, and I know this ALL too well, I'm like the expert on it now, "you never know what you had until it's gone." I don't know the quote, and I don't feel like Google'in that Sh**. But I'm hopeful you understand my point.

Unfortunately, money makes the world go round. Unless you wanna be the guy in "Into the Wild" and go off the grid and live off the land, having money is required. It may not be the most important thing in the world, but it's definitely one of the most helpful things to have.

My personal opinion is this, Americans might be getting into a very big depression mood here once more and more of the unemployment runs out. Not having a job, that can break families, friendships, relationships, and a person as a whole. It takes a lot of strength to stay strong in the face of adversity and not crash.

That's just one of my thoughts for this week. Hopefully I write sooner next week.

Growing upwards

At what point do we completely lose our innocence? When does your life become so much of a blur of events that you don't even recall some of the more pivotal smaller things that happened? I've been thinking a lot about how the tiniest of events have formed me.  I might have mentioned this last week, but I wanna expand off of it (also cause I don't have any other general subjects I can talk about, personal stuff? sure, but I got a blog for that too).

This might sound a little random, but do you remember when you started using deoderant? I sure don't. I have heard enough stories to be told that I was the "smelly" kid. Okay, maybe not stories plural, more like one story, but it's enough to know that at that age I was pretty stubborn about some pretty stupid things. Certain things like hygine and eating and walking are just regular skills one learns in life in order to survive. But nobody teaches you about money, or dealing with relationships, or feelings, or work, or school, or anything else for that matter. That's all learned behavior from somebody else.

I know from my own experience, that most people base their romantic relationships off of their child hood role models' relationships. If it was an abusive family, the abuse continues. If it was a free spirited "hippy" like family, then most likely the child will end up having those as well. But there are those few people who are able to look at what they went through and decide that they DON'T want that and become, or try to become, as aware of the issues as possible before they happen.

There's a small problem with that. By trying to prevent one set of problems, another one arises. I don't want to take away from any of those people who have over come the odds and created something that is way healthier for them in life than what could have been. Not at all. I'm actually honored to know some of those people and respect them a great deal. I just find it amazing that life never stops, and that every day has something new to learn.

Personally, and I didn't want to open this side up on this blog but it fits, I've experienced more change and growth in the last 6.5 months than I have ever dealt with before. And yet, I'm still learning. Just as I've tackled another hurdle in life, there's another one to tackle. But the thing I'm noticing is that the new hurdles aren't as high or big as the new ones. My personality might have changed a little bit as well. For a person to become self aware of their personal issues and fight to change those problems to prevent them from wrecking their life is a very difficult task. Weird thing is, that fits for every individual. I'm friends with all types of people from all walks of life. The most interesting people are the ones that still smile despite being pummeled by life's wrecking ball.
Oh, and keeping a smile doesn't mean ignoring the situations and hoping they get fixed magically. It's doing your best to not let the worst parts get you down. At some point you just realize that you have to keep going. You have to stand back up, dust yourself off, and learn from it. I mean really really learn from it.
The saying "You hear me, but you aren't listening" makes total sense. But I think that same idea can be used for learning; "You're seeing it, but you aren't feeling it" or "You're learning, but you aren't growing".... oooooo I like that one.
Personally, I did a lot of learning, but not much growing. It's very difficult to grow from mistakes. I've learned that mistakes are great to learn from. But I didn't take those mistakes and apply them in more general practices. Instead they were used as more of a specific tool to avoid that situation from happening again. I don't think I'm explaining that very well, it makes sense in my head unfortunately. I have a lot more on the subject, but I think I'll stop here for now. There's some other writings that need to happen to further my thought process.

The plan to write at least once a week is still in effect, so far so good.

Changing Memories, Remembering Time

I've been going through a lot of boxes lately. So far I've cleared out quite a few boxes of garbage, and given quite a few things to Good Will. But there are a few things that have come across my eyes that I've... well... that have caused hesitation.

I'm not sure how most people are, but for me, I can be a pretty sentimental kind of guy. No, I don't cry over anything, but I do tend to hold on to some ridiculous things. I only say ridiculous because you'll probably find it to be ridiculous; receipts, ticket stubs, small notes, letters. Basically I've found small memory boxes. Memory boxes for me involve little reminders of a relationship I was once in. Sometimes it includes birthday cards from family, thank you notes from sisters, or written frustrations about my life at that time to myself. But as I continue to dig through the box, I'm slowly reminded of random memories of a relationship that once was. I've come across a few pictures, a few cards, a poem from one, a receipt of a Cirque Du Soleil (my first ever!) trip from another, receipts of a trip to Yosemite, ticket stubs to some movies, the list goes on and on. Not to mention the old cell phones that carry pictures and text messages... so many text messages... so many!

It's amazing to me. So many memories. The smallest thing can trigger me and send me back in time. I remember this poem, I remember that woman, that feeling, both bad and good. I remember the beginning, and the end. I remember the perfume. For some reason I ALWAYS remember the perfume. I'm like a dog, I'm about as hairy as one, sheesh. I move on to another visual aid and get thrown into a whole other world of memories, more rich and vivid then before (probably cause of the recentness of it). Loads and loads of smiles. I come to discover myself smiling in brief intervals as I peruse the paper memories, and my brow furrows.

Has my past been reduced to just a Vans shoe box? If someone was to go through all my boxes, what would they discover? Well, for starters I can tell you that they would start to think I was a child; 5 boxes of Nerf guns and ammo, about 8 boxes of video game equipment, 4 boxes of comic books.
So what's left? Hats. Lots of hats.
So now I'm an adult who can't let go of his childhood, and pretends to be other people by wearing different hats. There's your psycho-analytic mumbo-jumbo for the day. No. I think the real information about who I am comes from those few boxes that go completely ignored. The "shoe boxes".

I carry a lot of memories with me. Usually most of the past relationship reminders are discarded before a new one starts, but of course there are always those few scraps of memories that stick around. It's unfortunate that after I'm long gone and no longer of this world, all that is left are paper memories. But as I exist, every moment I've lived and breathed, every relationship I've been in, love or lost, sad or happy, good or bad, have formed me to who I am today. Can anyone else say that?

What happens when someone refuses to allow a relationship, past or present, change and grow them? Is that even possible? I believe that's the utter definition of being resistant to change; refusal to acknowledge change in oneself due to the occurrence of a relationship. I'm proud to say that I have not experienced that. My "shoe box" only contains grains of sand from a time past, and not the results of the outcome from those grains resting.

Just a random thought of the week. I'm sure next week will be filled with more excitement.

So...
What's in your "shoe box"?  Have you resisted change?  Have you changed for worse, or the better?

Insight into the dynamics of a healthy relationship (excerpt)

The following is from a personal blog of mine (if you want to read it, email me and I'll add you to the list). I felt that this is something everyone should read, as I found it a little enlightening. Again, this is just a small excerpt. Enjoy.



"There's a handful of relationships that inspire me. Friends and family. One thing I've noticed for all of the healthy relationships is this: Individualism. Each person is an individual and is able to keep their independence while still being able to share life with their loved one. It's incredible. Neither one becomes upset, angry, frustrated, or annoyed with their loved one over small issues, and has no problem showing some level of affection for each other. Nothing crazy of course, no make-out sessions or nothing, but a few couples have expressed some level of passion for each other in just their simple kissing.
There's also a strong level of honesty. Almost raw in it's entirety. It's truly impressive. Each person excepts the other in every way, faults, and hobbies. Neither person tries to change the other, or stop them from doing what they like. Granted I am on the outside looking in, but yet, over the years of knowing these people, or just the months in some cases, it's been the same consistency.
It is truly amazing. Very inspiring as a whole. The honesty and passion seem to be the most distinct while watching these people interact with each other. They don't attach at the hip, they don't become needy or selfish. There's a very genuine and raw love for each other. A compassion of unequaled comparisons. One couple will be completely honest about everything, which at first, was a bit shocking, but eventually was endearing. One couple are more individuals than the others. But yet, despite not always being at the same place together, when they are, you see two lovers who are total best friends, and don't require constant companionship everywhere they go; they don't need to be at every place together.
I've seen couples that inspire each other in total silence, just being themselves and pushing their abilities to their fullest because their loved one is pushing themselves, and in turn they are inspired and motivated to do the same.
I've seen couples love each other for the quirkiness of their separate personalities.
I've seen/heard couples get frustrated in situations at a party, or some event, but the understanding from both people are so great, that any kind of argument or frustration hardly lasts even a day, if not an hour!

So, what do I want? What do I deserve? Well, I think my friends and family would say I deserve the best. So, I'll agree with them. I deserve the best. But what do I want?

I want what they all have of course. I want a best-friend I can be honest with, no sugar coating, no judging. I want to be able to tell them ANYTHING, and EVERYTHING at the same time. Actually, I think it would be cool if I didn't have to, they just got it without saying anything. I have faults, I make mistakes, I want someone to accept me for those too. I want honesty and passion. I'm not saying that I have to be attacked with kisses and such all the time (not that there is anything wrong with that) but I want a kiss that expresses, or at least attempts to express the depth of their love for me every time. A simple kiss, a simple hug. Even a look. If you've ever been in a relationship, you know the look I'm talking about. I've seen it on just about every couple I've referred to. It's a look that people give when they love someone. Actually... I've seen it more from the females to the guys, when the guys do something kinda... weird, or quirky. Again... it makes me smile.

I think I finally get how a healthy relationship should be. Nothing hidden, everything open. You can't have a true real best-friend for life if you aren't willing to explain EVERYTHING, and tell them anything. There shouldn't be any fears of "will they not like me? will they be angry?" ect ect. Not one relationship had any fear or insecurities.
Some might argue that I wouldn't see any of the turmoil when I'm hanging out with these people. But that's just the thing. There are so many awesome couples in my life, and some that I've known my whole life, and others I've gotten to know over a few months, that the variety is huge. I WOULD see it. I personally love to people watch; analyze non-verbal behavior and really understand human development. It's become quite a second nature to me to see when someone is upset, frustrated or angry. I can just tell when someone is hiding it, or acting. And sure, some of the couples have shown that frustration completely masked with a smile, because the atmosphere didn't ask for that kind of frustrated behavior to be shown.
Every couple goes through some kinda of turmoil or trial at least once.
But not one of these relationships I've looked at has ever gotten to a point of extreme anger or frustration. Not once has someone felt compelled to keep something from the other out of fear or anger. It's amazing. The level of happiness that exudes from these people is incredible."


And that's it. I'd love to know everyone's thoughts and ideas on this if you got them. (I suppose I'll post this on my facebook too)

First post

I have way to many blogs. I really should stop making new ones, but sometimes it's just fun to create new things, to write and design and just... well, ya know, be creative. So I created a new blog. What's the purpose of this one? To unite ALL my blogs under one roof hopefully, and to have a stable regular place to just write.

I've gotten a lot of feedback from some of my writing lately and many people are fans of my words, apparently. So I figured, I'll just continue to write but in a more stable setting. There's three blogs that I have... well, make that 4 actually... um, this one makes 5. Here's a breakdown of those blogs; One blog is for total personal private use, another is for more therapeutic nonsense that is open to anyone who asks to see it, a third is my comic strip, and the 4th one has been my personal blog for a long time. Unfortunately I felt it was time to change and stray away from that blog. There's some great writings on there, but there's a lot of history in that blog, and as I've most definitely changed (more this year than ever) I feel it's time for a completely fresh start. So here we are.

Plus, I'm only writing some absolutely ridiculous information here to help lengthen the blog posting so I can see exactly what the blog looks like in a full design. So I suppose I'm actually wasting your time here, which kinda sucks for you as I'm sure you were hoping for some awesome new information or theory or idea or concept generated by my superb weirdness. Unforuntaely you will have to wait on that one. Good news is that I plan on writing at least once a week. If you have suggestions or want to know my opinion about something, PLEASE do not hesitate to message me. 

Thanks,

Me 

What are YOU doing?

I can tell you what I've been doing, lots of things. I'm entrepurnurializing my life. Don't try and figure out what that word is, or if it's spelled wrong, its not. I made it. Isn't that marvericulous? Seriously, I've been knocking on so many doors, that opportunity will have to open one of them. I'm working on making a video game for Android devices, I'm increasing my skills at swing dancing so that I can compete and enjoy that hobby and skill more, I'm starting a small group at my local church, I'm running 3 to 4 miles a day, I'm eating healthy, I'm in contact with 2 or 3 different video game developers to get a job, I've submitted my headshots to random commercial, and talent agents, I've applied to many clerical, entry level office jobs, grocery stores, retail stores, ect ect. I've also finally started working on my own comic strip. I've set up ad space on it, and even added a support feature in case some random person wants to donate to the "my empty pocket" charity. I've also been helping with a documentary, as an assistant editor. I'm really trying to get the ball rolling in a direction. I know I've spread myself out pretty thin, but honestly, I think at this point it's important to knock on as many doors as I can to see what opens up. I got nothing left to lose; no job, no money, no woman. Wish me luck, and pass the word along about my comic strip. Thanks and stay awesome.

http://outer-ja-bip.blogspot.com/

Inner Strength at the weary part of a battle

Many things have been brought to my attention over the past few days. Which is always impressive to me as I continuously learn and adapt and grow exponentially every time. What was discovered? Allow me the chance to enlighten you my good sir (and women).

The worst part about goals, is the hardest part. The worst part about accomplishing, fighting the battle, and pushing forward, is the hardest part. What does that mean? It means that when you are about to win, or you're about to beat that goal into utter submission, to take the gold, to get the trophy, to feel that sense of accomplishment, or joy from attaining and winning, you have to deal with the preasure, the weariness, the exhaustion, those moments of dispair when you feel you just can't go on. Ya. THAT is the hardest part about goals and pushing forward.

There have been critical moments in life where there was something you wanted to do, and starting it might have been hard. But as you continued to do it, it got easier, and more enjoyable. Then, it got difficult. Maybe not out of the blue, but at some point, it started. It could have been a hobby, or a skill set, anything. It doesn't have to be physically or emotionally difficult. Simple things like just a simple "plateau"ing on your skill level or knowledge base. It becomes draining, and exhausting to push past it. Moments where you don't WANT to go forward, too tired to move, too tired from fighting.
Oh yes, those are the hardest moments. To continue to find strength where you don't think you have anymore? Bah. Screw that. There's been moments where I'm playing a game, having fun, staying up late, swing dancing, or whatever else it is, and I get soooo tired and exhausted, but I don't want to stop, cause I'm having fun. Did I give up? Nope, I kept going. I trudged through it and got my second wind. There's ALWAYS a second wind.

It's been incredibly difficult in life lately for me, and yet I continue on. I'm trying not to look so much to the future and what I don't have right now. Instead I'm trying to deal with today, the strength I have for today, and use it. To acknowledge what I have now, and what I need to do today. I'm at the hardest point right now, the battle is at an all time high and I have to find that second wind and make it happen. Continue on, the battle will be won, maybe not tomorrow, maybe not next week, maybe not 6 months from now. But it doesn't matter. I just know that I'll conquer all of it. I have to, I'm too far into this crap to stop now. What's the point in stopping? To catch my breath? No. All breath needs to be exhausted before endurance can be built. I just made that up, you can use it, quote me, cause... I'm awesome.

I should change my blog to Personal Awesome, or Awesome Chaos. Captain Awesome Chaos. Admiral of Chaos that is awesome. My awesome personal chaos.

Maybe if I say it enough times, "I got this", I'll convince myself it's true. That's how it's done right? I've pushed myself physically, and I'm accomplishing those goals. I'm pushing myself mentally, and eventually those blocks will be destroyed. I am struggling emotionally, but it's only the peak of exhaustion. I got this.

"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up."
Galations 6:9
The rewards are too great if "we do not give up."
I will never give up again. I will constantly strive to be the best person I can be. I will grow and be strong on every level. Nothing will stop me. I am the Hulk, and the Hulk Smashes! Boom sucka!


I got this. Just watch. It's difficult now, it'll get difficult later, maybe more so, but it won't stop me. Just watch.

Brain Sprinting

I'm running.
Fast. Quick. Swift. Agile.
The sweat is running wild,
crawling over my face and body,
getting caught in the wind.
My pores shut down and stop exerting themselves.
I'm in overdrive,
my body turns pale,
the blood is rushed to my legs
for the final sprint.
My breathing
exhausted, labored, steady, ready.
The force of the speed at which I run is daunting.
The goal appears in the distance.
The turmoil is and pain is extensive.
The damage is numbing.
The sweat has started again on my face.
It sprints to its' own goals.
I wake up to find my brain breathing heavily,
and tears on the pillow.
The goal is just within reach.
I got this.

A need

I have the feeling, the need, to write something. Unfortunately, I don't really have too much to say. Don't get me wrong, I have plenty of thoughts and theories and other nonsense crammed into that small brain of mine, but most of it shouldn't really be spoken or written out-loud. Ah... I know.

I've still been doing my bike and run every early morning for a few weeks now, which is longer than I usually stick with some form of exercise, so I'm feeling pretty good about myself lately. I've got my head on straight finally and it's not AS crooked as it was before (still a little lop-sided, but not everyone is perfect, right?). If you are curious about what I'm talking about with this "crooked" nonsense, I suggest the blog entry "Taking A Chance", or you can click the subject link on the left side called "Changes" for a list of the important blogs.

During my 10 mile bike ride, I listen to a podcast from church, and when it's over, I do a lot of introspective thinking as well as a ton of prayer. For some reason I feel I say this at the beginning of every blog entry. I should stop doing that. Anyways, during one of those moments the lesson of holding grudges came up. That's where this blog is headed today.

I've held some grudges in my day. My family and friends know this. I'm a very stubborn person and if I feel wronged, or disrespected, I'll write off the person, or hold a grudge against them. I didn't really know what holding a grudge was until I actually really thought about it. Apparently there's a couple of individuals, mainly family members, who I've held a grudge against. My father taught me (I'll never forget this), "Mess with one bean, you mess with the whole burrito." Ahh, classic father insight. So when I felt one of my sisters, or one of my parents were wronged, I held a grudge against them. Lately, I've been trying to let it go. And for the most part I have. There is an individual (family related) that I still hold a grudge against, but that's only cause I felt hurt or disrespected by them.

Look, the point is this, and it's a tough fact, but holding something against someone doesn't hurt them, it only hurts yourself. I think many people lose sight of that and forget that that's what is truly happening. Opportunities are missed and life isn't shared. Who knows what the future holds, anything could happen. ANYTHING! Nobody knows when they'll die, or who will die next. Wouldn't it suck to have that grudge against someone and then never be able to say something to them again? I've been trying to live a more fruitful life. Really trying to keep my eyes and ears open to what's around me and be more thankful for the opportunities that have been presented to me. Granted, I still don't have a job, but yet, I'm still alive, I still have enough money to eat, and pay bills. I'm diligently looking now, more than I was before that's for sure. Cover letters still allude me a bit, but for the most part letting go of the grudges and just acknowledging the existence of that person or doing my best to just let the pain and hurt that was caused go, has really kinda lifted me spirits and taken a little weight off my shoulders. By no means am I saying to forgive immediately, or not to feel those feelings, not at all. Just don't dwell on it. I dwelled, I simmered in it. I held on to it like it was a part of me, like an extra toe... completely useless, but it was mine! Of course, who am I? Right? Why should you listen to me? I'm just some dude writing a blog. Simple life experiences is all. You never know who can do what for you in the long run and what you could learn from others is completely invaluable. I've been reaching out to people I don't normally talk to, or see or visit with, all cause I want to learn from them and I feel that they might have a better insight into how to live life than I might.

Now I'm sure I could throw some bible versus or some religious stuff at you at this moment, or during the whole blog entry. But I won't. Instead, only if you are interested, I'd suggest going to http://thecrossing.com/ and clicking podcast in the upper right corner. So far my favorite series is Crazy Love... those really hit home for me, as well as Memories. I've listened to those quite a few times. Good life lessons for the most part.

I feel I should have a tag sign off message, but I don't. So just deal.

The Battle...

The fight in my skull rages on my friends. Conflicts arise, and treaties are broken. The revolution has begun and The Clan of Old Habits are in fact dying hard, as The New Thoughts continue to fight strong.

Sometimes I love my analogies, I think they're quite descriptive and occasionally make me laugh. I've been wanting to write for a few days now, but the last post was, and IS very pivotal for me and I also feel that it could help others as well. So if you still haven't read it, I highly suggest it. Again, as a small warning, it's semi-religious based, so take what you will from it. I've also been adding labels to some of the blogs to properly categorize some of my writings. It's adds a better structure to the blog as a whole. With that being said I might add a new label to show which blogs are my personal favorite. Also, I'd like to state that I don't read what I write. I mean, sometimes I do, but for the most part, I don't ever look back immediately after I write it, and critique, edit, or spell check (well I do spell check while I'm writing). I will typically just write what ever my thoughts are, and the words in my head as if I was speaking in person. It seems to be the best and easiest way for me to empty the thoughts out and allows me to continue moving on throughout my day without an increasing headache.

Now that I've said what I wanted to say, I suppose I should get on with the blog and why I was writing in the first place.
I've started running, kinda. Well... no, I actually am I running. I've been trying to get up at 6am, but 6am turns to 6:30, which turns to 7, to 7:30, and one morning was 8:30. Today, 7am. It's been 4 days! Give me some credit here. Being I was going to bed at 4am a week ago, this isn't too bad. I want to get up at 6, but my bed is so comfortable! And I haven't been sleeping well (friggin dreams man!)
So I start with a 10 mile ride along the pacific coast, which I gotta tell you, is very refreshing. I'll listen to a podcast from my church, and then do some meditating and praying on the way back. That's 30 minutes one way, 30 minutes (roughly). Then once I drop the bike off at home, I just run around the block. The first day was crappy, pushed myself to go as far as I can, but made it about half way? Then I decided to go just a bit further then the last point, and I actually ran a lot slower this time, which really does make a difference. Made it about 5/8ths of the way around the block... which is just a bit more than half for those who don't do math. Today, I made it around 75% of the block. Tomorrow? I aim for the whole block... then THE WORLD! MWAHAHAHAHA. right.

Why all the running? The exercise? Aside from the fact that I'm totally diggin' the body tone I've acquired, and that some of my shorts and pants are fitting way better, I'm working on building structure for myself. The last entry had a brief description of it. If I can build a better foundation for myself, I can build a better structure to build out from. My procrastination is a major key that I need to fix within myself in order to move forward and be the best person I can be. So, if I start getting up at an (outrageously) early time, I can get the exercise in that I need to remain healthy, and focus on my tasks during the day. Before this, I was just kinda, doing whatever, whenever. Middle of the day bike ride kinda takes most of your day away from you. By time I was finally ready to do something, it was 9pm. Not so good really.
I'm also working on limiting my distractions. This is a big deal. Really, the only distraction that has ever been for me is video games. As a guy, most people might assume women, bars, drinking, would be a distraction. And where as the occasional drink, or bar would be enjoyable, it was never cheap. And women? I can pretty much assure you that women haven't been a distraction for me since I was single. Just because other guys think about sex all the time, doesn't mean I do.

I feel that I'm in a pretty healthy position in my life, I'm slowly ridding the darkness, and poison  from my head and body and making a better, more stable... me. I refuse to let time run this one though. My ambitiously lazy self can't abide by that. And I am just too impatient to wait on "time" to move forward. So I'm gonna make it happen faster. My brain is already moving fast enough, just a matter of getting my body to go the same speed.

I got this.

Everyday living

So. Here I am, after a nice 10 mile bike ride, and after listening to my local church podcast from a few weeks ago finally. The message is something I should have heard a long time ago. And I feel very strongly that I need to write about it, because this is something EVERYONE deals with, not just me specifically. I'll start with a verse... wait... let me preface something.
For those of you are readers, or at the very least my friends who are not religious, keep in mind that I have no qualms with what you choose in life, I don't judge you in any way shape or form, it is not my place on this planet to do so. I think you're awesome in your own way. This of course is my point of view, my faith and a part of who I am. SO, if you are at all offended by anything that I say religious wise, I apologize in advance as I am not one to offend on that level. So there's my preface.

Ephesians 4:31-32
"Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you."


Sounds like a pretty good standard for living life. Now the message itself had more to do with memories. Holding on to the bad memories, feeling the resentent, the "what if" feeling, and guilt. So many things going through my brain right now, so please forgive me if this seems sporadic.
I've had a lot going on mentally and emotionally lately, learning various things about myself through an incredible growing process and a full on restructure of my brain. Through this process it has come up that I belittle myself fairly consistently on just about everything I've ever done. Most recently of course, it has also come to my attention that I have extreme guilt and "what ifs" about an ended relationship, as well as other events, but we'll stick to the most recent one.  Learning to accept what I can't change. Learning to let it go is a huge thing for me.

I analyze things, WAY too much. I also like to fix things, and when I feel I can fix it, I want to. Problem is, I need to accept certain things that I can't fix, or change. The past is one of those things. I've been hurt so often from past relationships, and on some level I'm carrying it with me. I need to just accept what can't be changed.

Through the 30 minute podcast, I learned that I need to just give this broken body, not just heart, but all of it, to God. Whereas I thought I had, I truly hadn't. It's a certain level of acceptance for things that I can not change. Holding on to those hurtful memories, those chances I feel I could have fixed something, are only hurting me more. Some things I can't change. Bleh... that left a foul taste in my mouth. I still know what I want, who I want, and what I need. Letting go of the guilt, letting go and realizing that I'm not a failure, that mistakes happen and I need to forgive myself. God forgives everything so that isn't really the issue here for me.
There's 2 approaches to letting go of guilt; condemnation and confession. I've been doing the condemnation thing for a long time. I've confessed mistakes and errors now.

The truth is, I haven't lost it all. It's not that I will never be happy again. I'm being protective now, but chances are I'll find my medium and get to a good par level.

Things I'm currently working on. 
Trying to create a structure for myself.
If I can create a strong foundation, I can start to build myself up, become stronger on all levels. Starting simple is key, just simply getting up early.... 6am? 7am? And going for bike ride, a swim, or dare I say... a run?!?! wth? Wait, I have running shoes?! weird.

Trying to find strength for myself.
A friend recently told me that the trick is to have your own inner strength to pull from, not to depend on someone else for strength. Of course, at the same time, if I need help, don't be so proud or prideful that I can't ask for it. Sometimes weakness happens, and in those cases it's OKAY to ask for help and need help, it doesn't make you a weak person. BUT, what DOES make you a weak person is not having your own inner strength to motivation to get something done. Saying is most definitely different from Doing.

I'm doing my best to accept what I can not change, which is the past. I've accepted those faults that were mine, and that weren't. But accepting those things is only the beginning. Accepting is only half of it. Needing to be preventative for future problems, being aware of my faults and fixing them. Really doing my best to be the best person I can be, on a mental level, physical level, emotional and spiritual level. As impatient as I am, I know it'll take time, but I'm very confident that I can be at a great place by the end of the year. My brain is in overdrive, mind of matter. I got this.

And where I wanted to have that quick fix, or that moment to breath and feel something, I think it's better to figure out my stuff on my own, so I can look back and feel better about myself that I did it. That I've accomplished it and pushed past the hardest time in my life.

I got this.

Feetnote:
I got running shoes... but how do I start running?

Wait... wait... what?

Success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life as by the obstacles which he has overcome.
- Booker T. Washington (1856 - 1915)


We meet again 3 AM. Here we are, facing the inevitable question, why am I still awake?  Only to receive the same *shrug* that I always give. Now... whereas my previous blogs have been, weird, random, and from what I've heard, depressing, I'm gonna change it up a bit. We'll start with a nice change of pace into a happy area, then I'll mosey on down to something that might make you think a bit, or at least give you some more insight into me. 


I just recently finished acting in a play, recently being... Today (yesterday... whatever). It was The Lion, Witch, and The Wardrobe. I had a lot more fun than I thought I would, which I really mean in the nicest way possible of course. I didn't expect a bad time, but with my outside struggles in my life, and trying to negotiate time for the play with the craziness that happened, I'm a little bummed out I hadn't had made it to more rehearsals. Needless to say, the 3 performances we had were awesome. Everyone pulled their acting butt together and the show came out pretty friggin' awesome. Granted, it was my first live stage production, but still, good times were had. The play was done mainly for little kids as a step towards helping with illiteracy. The kids would read the book over the past couple of months, and then be invited to sit and watch the production. One of the coolest parts for me was at the end of the show, we gave autographs. And to see these little children shyly ask for your autograph, was just a humbling experience, and reminded me of the innocence that waved bye bye to me awhile ago.  
Not to discredit anyone or anything about the play, but I'll admit that my own narcissistic tendencies came out and I was very much enjoying the laughter that I caused from my acting, as well the attention that was delivered. Whereas I thought I might not want to do a stage production again for various reasons, I actually think that the reward is quite enjoyable, and wouldn't mind doing another one somewhere else. Plus, it helps that all the people in the play were really awesome and fun to joke around with. It most definitely a great change of pace for me, and was very much needed. If you missed it, and it was because... well, you just didn't want to go, then you suck, but for the very few people that made it out to see me, you're awesome and I owe you a big hug... cause that's all the payment I can afford at the moment. 


Now the other part I wanted to talk about was the quote at the top, here, I'll post it again,
Success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life as by the obstacles which he has overcome.
- Booker T. Washington (1856 - 1915)
I believe that everyone experiences their own turmoil and obstacles and grow and learn from those situations on their own time in their own way. Sometimes doing their best to ignore the problems, but always ending up having to battle it and figure it out eventually. I also believe that it's best NOT to compare to other people. My obstacles are mine, mine alone. Nobody else experiences what I'm experiencing, nobody else knows exactly what's going on. Sure, there's people that can identify with me, the feelings, frustrations and a few thoughts might be the same. But it still remains my own war that I must win. Sometimes I've noticed that while talking to other people, they might have a really bad experiences in their life that don't even equal to mine. Plenty of things come to mind, and many of those things I remain to be incredibly thankful for. I still have a roof over my head, I have a great family and amazing friends, and my health, for the most part, is good. I'm not sick or dying. I'm very capable of running and walking. With that all said, I'd like to actually focus on the quote here. I've always thought, in regards to just me, that to be successful in life, I had to gain some level of financial stature or socially accepted property. Because of that thought, I've consistently belittled my own achievements, never giving credit to any of them, let alone acknowledge that I actually did something. But this quote destroys that theory. Some of the experiences and situations I've dealt with were tough for me. I emphasize "me" because that's the truth. Those obstacles, that might seem so simple and easy for other people, was not for me, and some continue to this day to be difficult, but the war is not over till the battles have all been won. Side note: I apologize for the military references, it's due to a stupid Facebook strategy game. I guess what I'm saying is that this quote, in one quick simple way, helped me realize just how jacked up my thoughts have been. 
Plus, someone said something today that helped me realize that there is more to this obstacle thing. It always gets worse before it gets better. That sounds real pessamistic, but honestly, I don't think it is. If you're at your lowest, then things can ONLY get better right? If you are really sick, the worst feeling you get at the peek of the sickness is just your body fighting it hardcore, doing it's best to gain the upper hand. 
Last point:
I've also realized that I'm in a "learning phase." One of the coolest things about life is that you can make it whatever you want it to be. If I wanted to, I could just get up, empty my bank account and just drive somewhere else and start over, completely. Of course that would be insane given the people and responsibilities I have, but still. The idea that even at 65 or even 80, if I wanted to learn something, I could do it... just because I wanted to. There are so many open opportunities for learning things it's ridiculous. I just like the idea of being able to still have that chance. Of course... responsibilities come into play; bills mainly, but I suppose for other people it would include house, car, family, career, ect. 
I think I'm rambling now and not making much sense, and since I've been writing for about 30 min, I should probably stop. 


Guess I'll try and sleep now.


Footnote (cause I don't like PS)
I miss _____

Here we are...

3:50am. Long day. Would have been even longer if I had actually gotten out of bed when I wanted to. The last 3 months and 2 days have been a very... VERY... interesting turn of events. I've never learned so many things about myself, and continue to do so in so many ways. Not like a "what the? where did that mole come from" kind of new things about myself sort of way. More of a "I didn't know I could do that" kind of way. My brain has been filled with so many thoughts, old, new, present tense stuff. My energy has been pulled in so many directions and I'm feeling exhausted, not so much on a physical level, no, not at all (I mean, I'm still awake right?) but more in a mental and emotional level. Which quite honestly I don't recall ever actually happening. I'm tired. I'm tired of so much. And yet, I keep pushing myself. Keep pushing, headstrong into an unknown, by myself. By myself. Interesting. I mean, normally when I would have said that, indicate a solitary action, it would evoke a sense of loneliness. But now... now it's more... hmmm... I don't know what. I'm just in it. I'm knee deep in the mud and I'm still wading through it. It seems to get deeper, but at the same time, easier to walk. Perfect analogy right there. Wading through mud. I'm deep in it, it's taking forever to get to the other side, and yet, for as slow as I'm moving, each day seems just the slighest bit easier to walk. Of course there are off days where I just seem to sink lower and not go anywhere. But On some miniscule, deep feeling, inside, there is a microscopic amount of hope. Which, I guess as long as it's there, things must be getting better. At some point you have to let go, and just... I don't know... just let it happen. It being whatever YOU want to call it. I call it faith... God... I'd say love, but I think saying God will be good enough for me. It's just a struggle. Not being able to just skip ahead to the end of the book, being forced to read the book and analyze each part of the story. That's the real work. Understanding the story. I really am pretty tired. Must... push... on... 

What... am... I.... doing....

Sometimes when I type my brain goes faster than I can handle. That sounds like a pride thing, or that I'm bragging, but I'm not. I have too many thoughts to slow down sometimes and with the new healthy diet and such, I feel like I'm having a harder time concentrating on anything... which isn't quite a good thing. So I'll apologize in advance for a sporadic listing of thoughts that might occur as I continue to type my brain snot onto the screen.

For starters, I've noticed that I have a mystery follower. Which at first I was very happy about. Well, actually I'm still happy about it, cause now I'm writing for someone else besides myself, although I supposed I should still just continue to write for me since that's what I've always done on this thing, and writing for someone else now might change how I actually type. Yay, a run-on sentence! So to the "mystery" follower (oooooo... mystery! scary!) I will say "Hi" and welcome to my blog of randomness and sometimes non-sense that drips out of my ears on the internets... interwebs? This thing that floats around in cyberspace. Congrats, you found me. (I'll laugh now if I suddenly have no more follower after this post) Dang it! (allow me to elaborate on that exclamatory on the next paragraph)

Recently I've been discovering way more than I want to about myself (read the blog "Taking a Chance" to catch up). The most recent discovery is that I have a great habit (use sarcasm font for the word great) to belittle any alleged achievements that I've apparently made. For example, I have an Associates Degree from a junior college. Apparently that's an awesome thing. But I was in school for 6 years before finally getting it. Ya, a junior college... 6 years... not much of an achievement. My sister went to college for 4 and walked away with a Bachelors, and I know another amazing woman who has a bachelors and a masters, and I'm sure a ton of other pieces of paper that say she's pretty smart. Look, I don't NEED a paper that says I'm smart in a specific field of study, it would be nice for the social ramifications, but need? I'm a smart guy. Unfortunately my procrastination skills are par to none and very impressive, and being that I seem to ALWAYS land on my feet, get by with the greatest of ease and absorb how things work abnormally fast; due to all of those skills and traits, is why I'm where I am at today. Knowing the problem is half the battle apparently. Whereas some would say at least I learned this at a young age, well... first off, I might look 21, and occasionally act like a 15 year old, but I don't think 31 is really qualifying in the young department as much. Aren't 30s middle aged? Or is it 40s now? Whatever, I need to learn to take joy in something with regards to myself. So here goes...

(big breath)... ... ... .... ya... I got nothing. I'll feel better when I get win this battle. I've got some really great "leaders" in my life... and I use leaders, cause the word counselors makes me feel a little uneasy. I have a direction, and finally some hope. Oh, and it doesn't hurt to up the game a bit by taking some Omega-3 vitamin pills, right? Am I right? Ya... this guy knows what I'm talking about. (point to steroid induced athlete)

So in ending my one person conversation, I'll say that I'm actually a lot meaner to myself than to others. Which I think if anyone ever saw how I am to people I think are idiots, or have experienced my extreme wit, they would know that that's not a good thing. So here's a toast (my favorite toast ever) May the best of your past, be the worst of your future... but since we're drinking to me (which you shouldn't be at 10:50am) just change all the "your"s to "my"s.

PS

I miss watching cartoon movies in the theater.

Another turn...

Another turn to make a u-turn at a road that was a path that used to be less traveled has become my undoing. It's a path I've walked and ran, and sat and cried on that now has gum stains and rubber tracks. I've disappeared into a forest to make friends with nature, only to discover that Smokey isn't a bear, but a very large beaver with an abnormal tail. I'm searching for answers in a library filled with picture books when I'm color blind. The weirdness of the randomness that has happened in the sphere of awkward permeates through my hair follicles to my brain, only to distort the world around me. Beer goggles makes night vision sleepy. I can't function with the railroad spike in my chest, but I seem to be running wild with the swarm of bees in my skull. It's a funny thing that laughter happens when my nose hairs tickle, but breathing doesn't do it. I've mixed the chemicals wrong only to protect the concoction of a virus that has spread from my finger tips to my ears and back down my spine. Ah, what a glorious day it was when it might have happened the other day months ago, but the time king spit on me and broke the mirror and pissed on the greener grass. Damn you, you fool! I was going to mow it down and plant daisies there anyways, but my lawn mower broke and I can't find the right parts to get it going. Doesn't matter anyways, the neighbor moved and took all the dirt. So I'll just cover it up with duct tape, cement glue, plaster, clay, play-doh, silly putty, wood glue, elmer's glue, gorilla tape, scotch tape, sand, cement, construction paper, and then drop a giant metal door with a super lock combo so nobody can get to it. Because that was MY planter and nobody can't plant anything there anymore. But I'm not pouting. Nope, that would be stupid for me to pout for something that disappeared and wasn't mine to begin with. Nope. I'm making a claim of my personal fortune and future empire and standing on my mountain looking down on all the happy people as I stand there in the wind, like Peter Pan. Just... breathing. Admiring in jealousy and envy. I will never have everything that I can't have in the world of perfection because it's been shattered by the very rock that I tried to skip on the surface when I was a kid. Ah, my inner child just got lost in the mall and I'm debating if I want to find him or leave him for adoption. There's a strong possibility that his undying romantized hopefulness will one day disembark for eternity, where I would be stuck with an old man pretending that he didn't crap his pants because he doesn't want to be old. What a weird story to dictate to the nonexistent children that never spawned because I was too stubborn to acknowledge the rightfulness of my ways. Ah, to live and die in a realm of absolute ridiculously wired knots. I hate the love that burns my chest. Get me a glass of water, maybe that will calm the stitches. Good times indeed.

Taking a Chance...

So, in keeping with the title of my blog, "Personal Chaos", I'm going to be very open about some very personal information. As I don't quite feel anyone actually reads this anyways, and the people close to me who want to know what's going on already know, I'll just talk about it here. What the hell right?

Well, my non-existent readers, turns out I have a problem with depression, or emotional instability. How did I come to this conclusion? Well, after making a half-semi-poor judgement call and breaking up with someone I love, I then continued to spiral out of control to a dark place that I was once at before. No, no, not a dark room, or a cave. I'm talking about a taboo word for people with depression... ya know... suicide? Ya, that place. I was there. I looked it right in the bottle. No dice. Instead I did what every depressed lunatic wouldn't do, reach out for help. After 3 months of extreme analyzing, I've come to many conclusions. 1) I've been like this since I was a kid. 2) I've completely separated my intellect from my feelings, so I have no communication between the two. 3) I've always put on the face of a happy guy because that's what people expect to see from me.

Those are just a few examples. I was on watch by some friends, and family. There's lots of love surrounding me, and lots of prayer. I've been seeing a therapist now for a couple weeks. It's been very interesting and eye opening. I'm learning so much each week and my brain is killing me. I mean seriously, it's killing me. I have to re-wire 31 years of habits and thoughts. That's like... well, like a lot of things that involve wires, or knots... or both. My sporadic mood swings (from very sad to a random par level) usually happen at night, or briefly when I first wake up. I've done real well to keep most of my feelings and such from outside sources and won't let anyone see them. I've always bottled up my emotions and set it aside to be dealt with later. Unfortunately that's one of the major problems; procrastination. I've been doing it since I was a kid, and now I'm still doing it. Not only did I do it with projects, but with my own emotions. I've been thinking in every direction now and I'm not even getting warmed up. It's mind boggling how bad my situation really is. I also discovered my lack of communication in a relationship in regards to my feelings is all due to the same procrastination feeling. Today I learned that I belittle my "alleged" achievements and tear myself down, as well not understanding why someone would be proud of me. It's a mess in the attic. Nice cage, crazy birdy. So ya, how's all that information for ya? That's been my last few months, and it's been hell, how has yours been? And this whole time, even though family and friends are there, I've still felt alone. Prayer only works so much. I've tried more distractions and attempts at reaching out to others, even as far as my lost love. But alas, my attempts have failed, and apparently I will be forced to go it alone. Into the darkness I go, to fight and hopefully slay these demons. I just wish I could be home before dawn, but I fear this may take WAY longer that I'm expecting. I'm sure there's a ton of other stuff to say, but this might still be a bit too much to comprehend all at once. Just know that I'm still breathing, and that the regular blogs will continue... or the kinda regular blogs will... that is if you read this crap.

PS. Keep in mind that I have been getting my exercise, my sunlight, and eating correctly to try and stop the poison from eating me whole. So far... not much of an improvement.