Growing upwards

At what point do we completely lose our innocence? When does your life become so much of a blur of events that you don't even recall some of the more pivotal smaller things that happened? I've been thinking a lot about how the tiniest of events have formed me.  I might have mentioned this last week, but I wanna expand off of it (also cause I don't have any other general subjects I can talk about, personal stuff? sure, but I got a blog for that too).

This might sound a little random, but do you remember when you started using deoderant? I sure don't. I have heard enough stories to be told that I was the "smelly" kid. Okay, maybe not stories plural, more like one story, but it's enough to know that at that age I was pretty stubborn about some pretty stupid things. Certain things like hygine and eating and walking are just regular skills one learns in life in order to survive. But nobody teaches you about money, or dealing with relationships, or feelings, or work, or school, or anything else for that matter. That's all learned behavior from somebody else.

I know from my own experience, that most people base their romantic relationships off of their child hood role models' relationships. If it was an abusive family, the abuse continues. If it was a free spirited "hippy" like family, then most likely the child will end up having those as well. But there are those few people who are able to look at what they went through and decide that they DON'T want that and become, or try to become, as aware of the issues as possible before they happen.

There's a small problem with that. By trying to prevent one set of problems, another one arises. I don't want to take away from any of those people who have over come the odds and created something that is way healthier for them in life than what could have been. Not at all. I'm actually honored to know some of those people and respect them a great deal. I just find it amazing that life never stops, and that every day has something new to learn.

Personally, and I didn't want to open this side up on this blog but it fits, I've experienced more change and growth in the last 6.5 months than I have ever dealt with before. And yet, I'm still learning. Just as I've tackled another hurdle in life, there's another one to tackle. But the thing I'm noticing is that the new hurdles aren't as high or big as the new ones. My personality might have changed a little bit as well. For a person to become self aware of their personal issues and fight to change those problems to prevent them from wrecking their life is a very difficult task. Weird thing is, that fits for every individual. I'm friends with all types of people from all walks of life. The most interesting people are the ones that still smile despite being pummeled by life's wrecking ball.
Oh, and keeping a smile doesn't mean ignoring the situations and hoping they get fixed magically. It's doing your best to not let the worst parts get you down. At some point you just realize that you have to keep going. You have to stand back up, dust yourself off, and learn from it. I mean really really learn from it.
The saying "You hear me, but you aren't listening" makes total sense. But I think that same idea can be used for learning; "You're seeing it, but you aren't feeling it" or "You're learning, but you aren't growing".... oooooo I like that one.
Personally, I did a lot of learning, but not much growing. It's very difficult to grow from mistakes. I've learned that mistakes are great to learn from. But I didn't take those mistakes and apply them in more general practices. Instead they were used as more of a specific tool to avoid that situation from happening again. I don't think I'm explaining that very well, it makes sense in my head unfortunately. I have a lot more on the subject, but I think I'll stop here for now. There's some other writings that need to happen to further my thought process.

The plan to write at least once a week is still in effect, so far so good.

Changing Memories, Remembering Time

I've been going through a lot of boxes lately. So far I've cleared out quite a few boxes of garbage, and given quite a few things to Good Will. But there are a few things that have come across my eyes that I've... well... that have caused hesitation.

I'm not sure how most people are, but for me, I can be a pretty sentimental kind of guy. No, I don't cry over anything, but I do tend to hold on to some ridiculous things. I only say ridiculous because you'll probably find it to be ridiculous; receipts, ticket stubs, small notes, letters. Basically I've found small memory boxes. Memory boxes for me involve little reminders of a relationship I was once in. Sometimes it includes birthday cards from family, thank you notes from sisters, or written frustrations about my life at that time to myself. But as I continue to dig through the box, I'm slowly reminded of random memories of a relationship that once was. I've come across a few pictures, a few cards, a poem from one, a receipt of a Cirque Du Soleil (my first ever!) trip from another, receipts of a trip to Yosemite, ticket stubs to some movies, the list goes on and on. Not to mention the old cell phones that carry pictures and text messages... so many text messages... so many!

It's amazing to me. So many memories. The smallest thing can trigger me and send me back in time. I remember this poem, I remember that woman, that feeling, both bad and good. I remember the beginning, and the end. I remember the perfume. For some reason I ALWAYS remember the perfume. I'm like a dog, I'm about as hairy as one, sheesh. I move on to another visual aid and get thrown into a whole other world of memories, more rich and vivid then before (probably cause of the recentness of it). Loads and loads of smiles. I come to discover myself smiling in brief intervals as I peruse the paper memories, and my brow furrows.

Has my past been reduced to just a Vans shoe box? If someone was to go through all my boxes, what would they discover? Well, for starters I can tell you that they would start to think I was a child; 5 boxes of Nerf guns and ammo, about 8 boxes of video game equipment, 4 boxes of comic books.
So what's left? Hats. Lots of hats.
So now I'm an adult who can't let go of his childhood, and pretends to be other people by wearing different hats. There's your psycho-analytic mumbo-jumbo for the day. No. I think the real information about who I am comes from those few boxes that go completely ignored. The "shoe boxes".

I carry a lot of memories with me. Usually most of the past relationship reminders are discarded before a new one starts, but of course there are always those few scraps of memories that stick around. It's unfortunate that after I'm long gone and no longer of this world, all that is left are paper memories. But as I exist, every moment I've lived and breathed, every relationship I've been in, love or lost, sad or happy, good or bad, have formed me to who I am today. Can anyone else say that?

What happens when someone refuses to allow a relationship, past or present, change and grow them? Is that even possible? I believe that's the utter definition of being resistant to change; refusal to acknowledge change in oneself due to the occurrence of a relationship. I'm proud to say that I have not experienced that. My "shoe box" only contains grains of sand from a time past, and not the results of the outcome from those grains resting.

Just a random thought of the week. I'm sure next week will be filled with more excitement.

So...
What's in your "shoe box"?  Have you resisted change?  Have you changed for worse, or the better?

Insight into the dynamics of a healthy relationship (excerpt)

The following is from a personal blog of mine (if you want to read it, email me and I'll add you to the list). I felt that this is something everyone should read, as I found it a little enlightening. Again, this is just a small excerpt. Enjoy.



"There's a handful of relationships that inspire me. Friends and family. One thing I've noticed for all of the healthy relationships is this: Individualism. Each person is an individual and is able to keep their independence while still being able to share life with their loved one. It's incredible. Neither one becomes upset, angry, frustrated, or annoyed with their loved one over small issues, and has no problem showing some level of affection for each other. Nothing crazy of course, no make-out sessions or nothing, but a few couples have expressed some level of passion for each other in just their simple kissing.
There's also a strong level of honesty. Almost raw in it's entirety. It's truly impressive. Each person excepts the other in every way, faults, and hobbies. Neither person tries to change the other, or stop them from doing what they like. Granted I am on the outside looking in, but yet, over the years of knowing these people, or just the months in some cases, it's been the same consistency.
It is truly amazing. Very inspiring as a whole. The honesty and passion seem to be the most distinct while watching these people interact with each other. They don't attach at the hip, they don't become needy or selfish. There's a very genuine and raw love for each other. A compassion of unequaled comparisons. One couple will be completely honest about everything, which at first, was a bit shocking, but eventually was endearing. One couple are more individuals than the others. But yet, despite not always being at the same place together, when they are, you see two lovers who are total best friends, and don't require constant companionship everywhere they go; they don't need to be at every place together.
I've seen couples that inspire each other in total silence, just being themselves and pushing their abilities to their fullest because their loved one is pushing themselves, and in turn they are inspired and motivated to do the same.
I've seen couples love each other for the quirkiness of their separate personalities.
I've seen/heard couples get frustrated in situations at a party, or some event, but the understanding from both people are so great, that any kind of argument or frustration hardly lasts even a day, if not an hour!

So, what do I want? What do I deserve? Well, I think my friends and family would say I deserve the best. So, I'll agree with them. I deserve the best. But what do I want?

I want what they all have of course. I want a best-friend I can be honest with, no sugar coating, no judging. I want to be able to tell them ANYTHING, and EVERYTHING at the same time. Actually, I think it would be cool if I didn't have to, they just got it without saying anything. I have faults, I make mistakes, I want someone to accept me for those too. I want honesty and passion. I'm not saying that I have to be attacked with kisses and such all the time (not that there is anything wrong with that) but I want a kiss that expresses, or at least attempts to express the depth of their love for me every time. A simple kiss, a simple hug. Even a look. If you've ever been in a relationship, you know the look I'm talking about. I've seen it on just about every couple I've referred to. It's a look that people give when they love someone. Actually... I've seen it more from the females to the guys, when the guys do something kinda... weird, or quirky. Again... it makes me smile.

I think I finally get how a healthy relationship should be. Nothing hidden, everything open. You can't have a true real best-friend for life if you aren't willing to explain EVERYTHING, and tell them anything. There shouldn't be any fears of "will they not like me? will they be angry?" ect ect. Not one relationship had any fear or insecurities.
Some might argue that I wouldn't see any of the turmoil when I'm hanging out with these people. But that's just the thing. There are so many awesome couples in my life, and some that I've known my whole life, and others I've gotten to know over a few months, that the variety is huge. I WOULD see it. I personally love to people watch; analyze non-verbal behavior and really understand human development. It's become quite a second nature to me to see when someone is upset, frustrated or angry. I can just tell when someone is hiding it, or acting. And sure, some of the couples have shown that frustration completely masked with a smile, because the atmosphere didn't ask for that kind of frustrated behavior to be shown.
Every couple goes through some kinda of turmoil or trial at least once.
But not one of these relationships I've looked at has ever gotten to a point of extreme anger or frustration. Not once has someone felt compelled to keep something from the other out of fear or anger. It's amazing. The level of happiness that exudes from these people is incredible."


And that's it. I'd love to know everyone's thoughts and ideas on this if you got them. (I suppose I'll post this on my facebook too)

First post

I have way to many blogs. I really should stop making new ones, but sometimes it's just fun to create new things, to write and design and just... well, ya know, be creative. So I created a new blog. What's the purpose of this one? To unite ALL my blogs under one roof hopefully, and to have a stable regular place to just write.

I've gotten a lot of feedback from some of my writing lately and many people are fans of my words, apparently. So I figured, I'll just continue to write but in a more stable setting. There's three blogs that I have... well, make that 4 actually... um, this one makes 5. Here's a breakdown of those blogs; One blog is for total personal private use, another is for more therapeutic nonsense that is open to anyone who asks to see it, a third is my comic strip, and the 4th one has been my personal blog for a long time. Unfortunately I felt it was time to change and stray away from that blog. There's some great writings on there, but there's a lot of history in that blog, and as I've most definitely changed (more this year than ever) I feel it's time for a completely fresh start. So here we are.

Plus, I'm only writing some absolutely ridiculous information here to help lengthen the blog posting so I can see exactly what the blog looks like in a full design. So I suppose I'm actually wasting your time here, which kinda sucks for you as I'm sure you were hoping for some awesome new information or theory or idea or concept generated by my superb weirdness. Unforuntaely you will have to wait on that one. Good news is that I plan on writing at least once a week. If you have suggestions or want to know my opinion about something, PLEASE do not hesitate to message me. 

Thanks,

Me