Inner Strength at the weary part of a battle

Many things have been brought to my attention over the past few days. Which is always impressive to me as I continuously learn and adapt and grow exponentially every time. What was discovered? Allow me the chance to enlighten you my good sir (and women).

The worst part about goals, is the hardest part. The worst part about accomplishing, fighting the battle, and pushing forward, is the hardest part. What does that mean? It means that when you are about to win, or you're about to beat that goal into utter submission, to take the gold, to get the trophy, to feel that sense of accomplishment, or joy from attaining and winning, you have to deal with the preasure, the weariness, the exhaustion, those moments of dispair when you feel you just can't go on. Ya. THAT is the hardest part about goals and pushing forward.

There have been critical moments in life where there was something you wanted to do, and starting it might have been hard. But as you continued to do it, it got easier, and more enjoyable. Then, it got difficult. Maybe not out of the blue, but at some point, it started. It could have been a hobby, or a skill set, anything. It doesn't have to be physically or emotionally difficult. Simple things like just a simple "plateau"ing on your skill level or knowledge base. It becomes draining, and exhausting to push past it. Moments where you don't WANT to go forward, too tired to move, too tired from fighting.
Oh yes, those are the hardest moments. To continue to find strength where you don't think you have anymore? Bah. Screw that. There's been moments where I'm playing a game, having fun, staying up late, swing dancing, or whatever else it is, and I get soooo tired and exhausted, but I don't want to stop, cause I'm having fun. Did I give up? Nope, I kept going. I trudged through it and got my second wind. There's ALWAYS a second wind.

It's been incredibly difficult in life lately for me, and yet I continue on. I'm trying not to look so much to the future and what I don't have right now. Instead I'm trying to deal with today, the strength I have for today, and use it. To acknowledge what I have now, and what I need to do today. I'm at the hardest point right now, the battle is at an all time high and I have to find that second wind and make it happen. Continue on, the battle will be won, maybe not tomorrow, maybe not next week, maybe not 6 months from now. But it doesn't matter. I just know that I'll conquer all of it. I have to, I'm too far into this crap to stop now. What's the point in stopping? To catch my breath? No. All breath needs to be exhausted before endurance can be built. I just made that up, you can use it, quote me, cause... I'm awesome.

I should change my blog to Personal Awesome, or Awesome Chaos. Captain Awesome Chaos. Admiral of Chaos that is awesome. My awesome personal chaos.

Maybe if I say it enough times, "I got this", I'll convince myself it's true. That's how it's done right? I've pushed myself physically, and I'm accomplishing those goals. I'm pushing myself mentally, and eventually those blocks will be destroyed. I am struggling emotionally, but it's only the peak of exhaustion. I got this.

"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up."
Galations 6:9
The rewards are too great if "we do not give up."
I will never give up again. I will constantly strive to be the best person I can be. I will grow and be strong on every level. Nothing will stop me. I am the Hulk, and the Hulk Smashes! Boom sucka!


I got this. Just watch. It's difficult now, it'll get difficult later, maybe more so, but it won't stop me. Just watch.

Brain Sprinting

I'm running.
Fast. Quick. Swift. Agile.
The sweat is running wild,
crawling over my face and body,
getting caught in the wind.
My pores shut down and stop exerting themselves.
I'm in overdrive,
my body turns pale,
the blood is rushed to my legs
for the final sprint.
My breathing
exhausted, labored, steady, ready.
The force of the speed at which I run is daunting.
The goal appears in the distance.
The turmoil is and pain is extensive.
The damage is numbing.
The sweat has started again on my face.
It sprints to its' own goals.
I wake up to find my brain breathing heavily,
and tears on the pillow.
The goal is just within reach.
I got this.

A need

I have the feeling, the need, to write something. Unfortunately, I don't really have too much to say. Don't get me wrong, I have plenty of thoughts and theories and other nonsense crammed into that small brain of mine, but most of it shouldn't really be spoken or written out-loud. Ah... I know.

I've still been doing my bike and run every early morning for a few weeks now, which is longer than I usually stick with some form of exercise, so I'm feeling pretty good about myself lately. I've got my head on straight finally and it's not AS crooked as it was before (still a little lop-sided, but not everyone is perfect, right?). If you are curious about what I'm talking about with this "crooked" nonsense, I suggest the blog entry "Taking A Chance", or you can click the subject link on the left side called "Changes" for a list of the important blogs.

During my 10 mile bike ride, I listen to a podcast from church, and when it's over, I do a lot of introspective thinking as well as a ton of prayer. For some reason I feel I say this at the beginning of every blog entry. I should stop doing that. Anyways, during one of those moments the lesson of holding grudges came up. That's where this blog is headed today.

I've held some grudges in my day. My family and friends know this. I'm a very stubborn person and if I feel wronged, or disrespected, I'll write off the person, or hold a grudge against them. I didn't really know what holding a grudge was until I actually really thought about it. Apparently there's a couple of individuals, mainly family members, who I've held a grudge against. My father taught me (I'll never forget this), "Mess with one bean, you mess with the whole burrito." Ahh, classic father insight. So when I felt one of my sisters, or one of my parents were wronged, I held a grudge against them. Lately, I've been trying to let it go. And for the most part I have. There is an individual (family related) that I still hold a grudge against, but that's only cause I felt hurt or disrespected by them.

Look, the point is this, and it's a tough fact, but holding something against someone doesn't hurt them, it only hurts yourself. I think many people lose sight of that and forget that that's what is truly happening. Opportunities are missed and life isn't shared. Who knows what the future holds, anything could happen. ANYTHING! Nobody knows when they'll die, or who will die next. Wouldn't it suck to have that grudge against someone and then never be able to say something to them again? I've been trying to live a more fruitful life. Really trying to keep my eyes and ears open to what's around me and be more thankful for the opportunities that have been presented to me. Granted, I still don't have a job, but yet, I'm still alive, I still have enough money to eat, and pay bills. I'm diligently looking now, more than I was before that's for sure. Cover letters still allude me a bit, but for the most part letting go of the grudges and just acknowledging the existence of that person or doing my best to just let the pain and hurt that was caused go, has really kinda lifted me spirits and taken a little weight off my shoulders. By no means am I saying to forgive immediately, or not to feel those feelings, not at all. Just don't dwell on it. I dwelled, I simmered in it. I held on to it like it was a part of me, like an extra toe... completely useless, but it was mine! Of course, who am I? Right? Why should you listen to me? I'm just some dude writing a blog. Simple life experiences is all. You never know who can do what for you in the long run and what you could learn from others is completely invaluable. I've been reaching out to people I don't normally talk to, or see or visit with, all cause I want to learn from them and I feel that they might have a better insight into how to live life than I might.

Now I'm sure I could throw some bible versus or some religious stuff at you at this moment, or during the whole blog entry. But I won't. Instead, only if you are interested, I'd suggest going to http://thecrossing.com/ and clicking podcast in the upper right corner. So far my favorite series is Crazy Love... those really hit home for me, as well as Memories. I've listened to those quite a few times. Good life lessons for the most part.

I feel I should have a tag sign off message, but I don't. So just deal.