Something Begets something else...

I had a pretty awesome weekend. I'll just put that out there now. A nice little boost to the confidence. Which of course was needed, oddly enough. Actually, I guess it's not that odd for me to have low confidence. I can fake it pretty well most of the time. But honestly, it's lower than it should be. It's been that way for awhile. But the weekend was nice. I got to see my little brother at Disneyland for a few hours, did a short film shoot, and got to see other friends at Disneyland for awhile too afterwards. And that was just Saturday! Sunday was all family, and a couple of friends at night. All in all not too shabby.

Of course, the yang of this yin (or is it the yin of this yang, whatever) is the turmoil in my head has moved to a different level, I think. I've experienced sadness, depression, frustration, and now anger. I was very frustrated and annoyed with certain circumstances that were completely out of my control and completely irrational for me to even think about. It was quite annoying. But, I'm doing slightly better today and just have to keep reminding myself that I'm working me to be the best person I can be. It's a battle of wits against myself and a vicious game that I must win. It's a constant fight of keeping my head strong stubbornness on the task at hand and pushing forward to where I need to be, want to be, and supposed to be. I'm becoming stronger inside and a little outside. Growing on a spiritual and emotional level. Growing up in a maturity and a personality kind of way. Realizing that my dreams can only be attained by me. That the only real person who should have faith in my abilities is me. Nothing is impossible. I'm not a complete failure, I'm just taking my time to figure out the best possible way of getting to my destination. It's very possible to attain anything I want. God didn't make me to settle and stay where I'm at. Many times I should have been dead, but I'm not. There's a reason I'm still on this earth.

And... I'm spent.

Clubbing women is better than clubbing seals

So... random event. Random events are always the most fun in my opinion. One, you don't have enough to build a solid reasoning as to what your expectations might be for the evening. Two, surprises to me are typically always welcome, given the right company for said surprise. With that being said, I get a call at 10pm tonight to just... go out and party. Typically the definition of "party" to most people might mean a crazy alcoholics wet dream. But in this case, that was not it. It was more of a relaxed, let's have a couple of drinks, kind of night. Which is what it was, and being that, it was still fun. After going to the first bar to witness various younger women hitting on older men, and a couple of middle aged men hitting on two women who were clearly twice their age, we left. 2 drinks down, and some food. Next door, the bar had literally, 4 people. We leave. We stop at a random bar on the way back to my house, that I had never been to, but has been around for a very long time. And what we saw was unbelievable. On a Wednesday night (a Wednesday? Yes... Wednesday) we find that everyone and their sister was at this bar/club. I couldn't get over it. Un-friggin-believable. It's literally underground, with 3 bars and some pretty decent techno music spinning on the actual dance floor side.

Now that I've got your attention with HOW we got to that point, I'll continue with my observations. I like to analyze couples and individuals and figure out the non-verbal behavior. It's very interesting to me. I was witness to almost every woman attempting to flirt with these saps who would end up buying them drinks. No thank you. I'm sorry, but I've spent enough money on previous relationships, with little to no return, that I feel, quite possibly, a little jaded. Not sure if that's the right word. But unless there's a strong bond, you're my friend, and/or my girlfriend, spouse, lover, whatever... I won't be buying a drink for you. Buy you're on damn drink. First off, I'm broke. Secondly, why would I buy a drink for a total stranger? I wouldn't buy a homeless guy alcohol, why would I buy you one? Oh... right, because you got boobs and you're dressed like a whore, right. I totally missed that part. Well then, here let me get you a drink. Enjoy your water, it was free. Just ridiculous how much effort women and men put in to get each other's attention. Even when they are totally not interested, most women will be polite, unless otherwise provoked by a drunk guy. It was just an observation of course, but still... I think it's stupid to buy drinks for someone you'll never see again.

P.S. Alcohol is an amazing sedative, and I've needed it badly.

Giberishitty is fantastical nonsense

WARNING: The following may not make sense to people who are sober, or people who do some form of brain altering medication. But the following is written from a purely creative side of my brain where I don't require those adjustments.

Of course I would write something like this in a state of confusion when up is down and down is up and words don't compute in the proper metaphrases that my brain has comp-you-tated. I've always done as I will as I want, I will do, but never I should, or shouldn't. Because what the brain wants the brain feeds on. The lifeless corpse of words best fallen dead in the battle against thought and reason. Why would I have it any other way? I'm a brain who can't live under water unless there's a cliff to jump off. I pretend that the non-existance of a said historical algorithm can only collide with the electrons of the hyper-active self aware cells that run rampant amongst the thought buildings of yore. It's simple really, If I always did what I couldn't I'd have nothing to do but shouldn'ts. But I don't do what I should have done and will do and end up doing something complete doo doo, to be honest. So ifs and thens get in a battle of could and didn't, and it becomes a drawn out battle of words and numbers that mount up to a sizeable donation to insanity. I believe that the reincarnation of my lost hair follicles will come back to haunt me in dreams that will force me to remember where I had been and why I'm not there now. Licking stamps is an old tradition of suicidal torture that can only be undid if one was to play with marbles. If I had a dime for every penny that I had found, I would have had some cash to buy a better haircut. Unfortunately the hour glass is broken and seems to go on it's own accord, fast slow fast slow fast slow. I always yell for it to speed up to a slow stop so that I can get on teh right buss to crazy town. If I had only bought the right carborator I probably could have gotten my tricycle fixed so that I wouldn't be on the wrong train tracks trying to take off in a dual propeller plane. It's a ridiculously absurd scenario to wonder what the existence of my feeble attempts to correct wrongs would have led me in. Thinking leads to thoughts that shouldn't exist in the material realm. In a physical plane there are no pilots, just an off on switch for the auto pilot that has holes in it and was drunk once before. Drunk on stupidity and choices that Trebec said were wrong cause they were formed in the womb with questions. Figure it out he says, I just punch him in the face and say What is my fist in your mouth? Doubt washes me graciously as I sit up in my bathtub of mud and ex-foliate my ear drums. I like to hear the thoughts I think I thought I heard. I think it thinks that I thought I cared about the caring thoughts that thoroughly transpired during the thirty-frice force of the fifth dimension. It's a number in elbritronics. I've created a monster under my bed to fight the one in the closet. The try eating each other once the light has escaped my eye sight. I live in a world of thoughtless brain activity that continues to destroy my inner peaceful workings. My choices, my curses. Curses! Foiled in foil again by curse-ed thoughtless thoughts that have burned me alive at a steak on a barbeque. Yum! Good times await those that have finally found the piece they were looking for and didn't destroy the puzzle piece that they needed to complete their life. Oops, I did. Unfortunate, because I needed that piece to finish my life puzzle on time before the judge. Now I'm in a hole digging upwards to find sunlight to bless my face and clear my brain. Puzzle piece, oh puzzle piece, where fore art piece that was so quietly fanatical. You spoke silence until I was deaf. Next time yell your whispers so that my eyes can see them more clearly and this mornings issues aren't on the door step. Note to self: choices are made and consequences are lived with, but the clock keeps ticking up the seconds till better brightness.

Something...

I have no idea why I'm typing right now. I just have a feeling that I need to type and write something insightful and meaningful. Of course, this is me we're talking about, so I doubt it's gonna have too much meaning to you. Maybe me, but not you. Hmmm. Well, where do I start? I guess I could just start with the weekend. Sure, let's do that.

Yesterday was an awesome bike ride along the beach. Just an absolutely beautiful day in Southern California. A nice balmy 80 degrees outside with just a touch of a breeze. I rode about 10 miles, got my Jamba on, and then rode back. It really was a great day. But here's the thing. I've been trying to keep busy, what with looking for a job, figuring out my goals, doing some freelance work, and hanging out with my friends, I've been semi-distracted. Saturday had NOTHING to offer me except alone time. I typically have that 10 fold during the week. So to call and text pretty much all my friends that I thought might be available, or some that I hadn't talked to in awhile and find out that everyone was doing something, that was weird. I don't recall that actually ever happening. I've always been able to get a hold of someone to do something somewhere and have a great time. But the last place I wanted to be was at home. Eventually, after some much needed self-motivation, I went on the bike ride. It was great. I forgot exactly how much I truly love the beach; the sand, the waves, the bonfire smells, the salt air, even the sound of the waves gets me pretty giddy. Love it. That was pretty much my whole weekend.

I also had signed up a few weeks ago for a play that is working with the community out reach program to inspire kids to read more. Which, now that I've written that, sounds pretty noble. But honestly I didn't mean it to come across that way. The director keeps saying its a BIG DEAL, but... eh. I think it's great and all, and fun, but it's just something to get me back into acting. Every Sunday at my local church is a rehearsal for 4 hours. Today was one of those days (since today IS Sunday and all) and I actually think I'm finally starting to get a feel for the character. The vibes and energy I was getting from the cast and director were very positive and I think this is gonna be a great stepping stone for me for other projects. I needed a confidence booster, and I think today was a small step towards that.

I'm a little scatterbrained, so I'll wrap this up with Friday evening. Friday I met with a good friend and had a great talk about our current situations and where we're headed. Had a few drinks and then went on to a local dance club. Not your typical local dance club mind you, but an old Big Band style dance club. Classic music from the 30s, 40s and 50s... ie Swing Dancing. I used to go all the time. I'm talking about 3 to 5 times a week. Then life happened, met someone, yadda yadda yadda, I don't go anymore. It was originally used to help me become a better person. I used to be the guy who would try something new and if it was too difficult, I said it was stupid and never tried it again. But after a failed relationship, I didn't want to do that anymore and worked hard to change that outlook. I did well. Then it was used again to help boost my self-esteem, and gain new friends and such, and it worked real well. It became a hobby that I enjoyed, again, 3 to 5 times a week. But now, now that I went back. It's nice to know that I can still dance, despite not going for months. Unfortunately I don't think I'll be going again for awhile. It just, for lack of a better term, was weird. I felt this weird feeling... a "been there done that" kind of feeling. I mean no disrespect to anyone there, I still love it and all, but something was just saying, "There ya go. Good times, move on, time for something new". Finding something new might be a little difficult, what with no money or job. However, I'm keeping a positive attitude and anytime the negative feelings arise, I'll do some pull-ups because A) it slows my negative energy and builds positive forces from within, and B) I tend to feel way better afterwards.

So most likely, I'll be have some huge arms and chest near the end of the week. hahaha.

Alright I'm done.

Current Music:

Deadmau5

How to grow goals in your own backyard...

Most people, most, not all, have had goals. Growing up you knew what you wanted to do. Or maybe you didn't, but you figured it out. I'm probably being ridiculous about this, but I've always felt that I should have goals. Okay, wait, not always... just in the past few years. I have ideas, but no goals. Sure I'd like to go there, or do this, or try that, and be this guy, but ya, doesn't work out that way. I've also realized through extenuating circumstances of the heart, that it's pretty much required to have goals, ambition, drive. Alas, I have none of this. If it IS there it's buried, buried deep inside my conscious. It's past the lack of self-confidence, it's past the false bravado, it's past all the piles of BS that I've told and the false promises to myself. The main door was the lack of self-confidence. Goals. Dictionary.com has this to say about the word goal.

1. The result or achievement toward which effort is directed.

2. The terminal point in a race.

3. A pole, line, or other marker by which such a point is indicated.

an area, basket, cage, or other subject or structure toward or into which players of various games attempt to throw, carry, kick, hit, or drive a ball, puck, ect., to score a point or points.

The rest of the definition just goes to explain the "game" aspect of the word. Some synonyms for the word "goal" would be target, purpose, object, objective, intent, intention; or as a number 2 suggestion would be finish.

What's interesting to me is that goal and finish are almost one in the same thing. Yet most people don't get to finish, because they never learn their goal, objective in life, to strive towards a finish line. So here I am, a very young 30-something, trying to figure out how to go about getting my goals and making them happen. Have I had goals before? Have I ever met any of those goals? Did I actually write down my goals and then forget about it? Who am I and what do I want are the eventual questions I come to in this line of questioning that I've developed. So let's answer some of these shall we? Go get a cup of water, or snack, cause this might be a long blog.

Who am I?

I'm a dork. I've been called a dork since elementary school and it hasn't changed. I'm a joke-ster, and I enjoy laughing at just about anything. I'm a nerd. I'm not the typical nerd though. I have interests in comic-books and definitely video games. But still... who AM I? that only answers what I do, and what people call me, and what I like. I'm currently a man who is trying to find answers. Man-child more likely. I'm a guy who hasn't figured out anything at all and is now finally looking at who he is and what he wants. I'm selfish, I'm cocky, but I'm also kind hearted (don't tell anyone!). I'm introverted and extroverted. I'm contradiction to myself most of the time.

So, I know who I am. What do I want? Where do I want to go in my life journey?

Good question. I want to be able to help my family and friends financially. I want to be a good representation of what a Christian male is, as well as just a normal guy surviving in a un-normal media played out society. Tom Hanks comes to mind. I don't know his religion, it doesn't matter. The point is, he does amazing movies, great actor. But I'm sure he's a normal guy off set. Some of these celebrities get too big for the bridges and start demanding things like royalty. Not me, no sir. Simple stuff.

Now the task of getting to that level ensues. How do I get there? What do I do to get there? All the normal questions. I met with a life coach the other day. Very helpful and really built me up. But he also said something very important. You want my help, you write down what you want to do with a time line involved; things that are achievable without being ridiculous on time restraints. If I want his help I have to do that. He also added that "You can continue doing what you are doing now, and that's fine, but you don't need me for that. You want something done, a goal a place to get to, then I'll help." Strong words. I barely know the guy, but for some reason I don't want to let him down, as I know it would let me down as well. And I've been down a lot lately, so I think this could actually work. Only a few people inspire me. It's very difficult to do that I guess. I'm really not inspired by anyone. Thinking about it now, I've never been inspired until after a relationship ends and I see my true faults through my analytical microscope and decide to change and become better. So is that what's going on now? It's the years my brain has been talking to me, and now I'm finally gonna do something about it? It's an interesting phenomenon. It's exciting and kinda sad at the same time. Sad that it's taken me this long to learn it. I learn quickly and here it's taken me way longer than others to figure out the importance of a goal, a finish line. I think someone people find it and start doing it for the wrong reasons. I believe that unless you ARE selfish, you might not get as much out of it as you could have. Again, a sad point to make, but a point nonetheless. So, I guess here's to goals and the wonderfully weird world and new frontier that I'm about to explore. There will be some major changes I'm sure of it.

Not normal

Normally I won't bother reading what I wrote. I tend to just shut off and write whatever comes to mind. But lately I've been reading everything I've written, and I'm no sure this is related at all, but I've been eating hardboiled eggs every morning for breakfast and it feels like my brain is overdrive. The electrical pulses have been firing quite rapidly, and it's become quite annoying. I hardly ever think. That's just a thing I do. I open my mouth and words come out, and I believe I've written about this before. Honestly though, that's what happens. I just start talking. I could be in a conversation about very intricate matters of the heart and brain and start analyzing while I'm talking and come up with a perfectly logical explanation (if not hypothesis) to continue on with the conversation bringing up better and more valid points as the discussion goes on. Is that how normal people have conversations, or do they actually think about everything before hand and come to their own feelings and conclusions about subjects before engaging in a topical conversation? I'm sure most people already have their minds made up about certain subjects like religion and politics, but what if it's a spur of the moment conversation that they might not have thought about before. How fast does their brain operate to come to an end thought? I'm by no means saying that I'm a super genius by any means, but merely making an observation that it seems like I'm coming up with very thought provoking ideas and concepts on a spur of the moment level, where others interpret my responses and words as a "you've been putting a lot of thought into this, haven't you?" kind of deal. Sometimes, yes, but most of the time... most of the time, no; I have not put as much time into the theories as one might assume.

Assume: to make an ass out of you and me.

That I believe to be quite true. Especially when you start to assume what others think or feel. That causes major conflicts and problems and I really try to do my best with NOT doing that. Quite a difficult chore for some.

Today is a little better than the rest of the week. As pathetic as it may seem, the only way to get my brain to slow down is to take a nap. Which I'm oddly not a fan of actually. Battling my own brain is a weird experience. In the past when situations of the heart arose I just distracted myself with whatever hobby I could that required me to forget about the current life crises that would be happening around me. A friend told me that this ending is gonna be the biggest one for me; it forces me to be introspective, as I have no hobbies to pull me away from the thought process, and because of the introspective manner, this one has the most to learn from it. Personally speaking, I think I already learned now and don't need any more focus on it. But I also suppose it's a healthy moment for me to be forced to look at it (despite my personal frustrations).

This blog has TOTALLY not gone the way I wanted it to go. Too late now, we're on the path in the jungle and the brush is pretty thick. But you know what? I got a MA-CHET-EH, so let's make a new path shall we?

....... ........ ........

thinking..... I had a thought for a second, but it vanished, the subject as goals deserves it's own blog... fine... I'll just do that. On to Part 2!!

And then poetry happened

You're in for a treat tonight kids, I have TWO blogs for you. Today at some point another one will happen. And before I continue, there was more I wanted to add to the last post. But continuing on with that one I felt my only bring forward more confessions from behind my new titanium walls, and I didn't feel it completely appropriate to confess more of my insides to the outside. Truth be told, it would probably only end up hurting myself and others to continue on with a discussion of emotions and feelings and all that silly nonsense that causes us to be weird and stupid and make mistakes and such things. Right... so... anyways...

I have a personal blog, where I can divulge all of the aforementioned humanity that I apparently have, and do a brain dump without others reading and judging and becoming hurt by it. Sometimes it's just a beration (to berate: I made it up) on myself. Well, if you haven't noticed yet, my blog titles tend to be half a sentence, or a couple of words. In June 2008 I was dealing with a ton of retarded stuff, life had taken a drastic turn to help build my initial walls. So here's a poetic tribute to those who were responsible. The only thing I'm adding is punctuation. I'll call it:

18 entries

Friggin spiders dreams.

It's not what you think

through a fog of confidence,

a vague memory of a dream.

Just sayin...

miss me?

Nightmares, my fav-or-ite...

retard feeling,

amazing.

It's easier,

dreams upon dreams,

numbered dreams.

Finally,

good bye my love.

Once again

I'm an idiot.

Not today...

hate.

I like it. It's an interesting conglomeration of vivid information. I especially like the last part. I'm sure there was more I wanted to add here, there always is. I guess I'll end with two songs that I've been enjoying a lot of lately:

Given up - Linkin Park

I need a doctor - Dr. Dre and Eminem

yep. The horizon better get bright quicker than slower, I'm getting impatient in the dark.

Interesting tid bit...

I'm a pretty fart smella, I mean smart fella. I re-read some of old posts, mainly 2008, and it made me happy. Sure it was some information that wasn't the greatest; ie a bad a relationship, grandpa dying, house fire, ect. But what made me happy was that what I learned, I kept. I didn't discard it. I always thought I'd learn things and then slowly go back to my old ways, but I've actually made a difference in my life based on my past experiences. How human like of me! That made me feel good. I also think I'll be blogging more, writing down more of my thoughts on subjects and such. I feel its a good way to keep track of what I do and did and helps me to remember where I've been and where I'm going.

Today I met with a life coach. Ya, a life coach. I truly never thought I'd ever actually need one. And it's not that I do. I just need someone to kick my butt, direct me, keep me on track... keep my accountable. That's the most difficult thing for me. I most likely have A.D.D. because I'm so easily distracted and bored with things. It's really amazing that I've had long term relationships actually considering how easily bored I get. So with that said, I've got ideas about goals and no way to process it, to figure it out, to get onto the tracks and start moving. But this guy... this guy... he's put the right ideas in my noggin to get me moving. It's a start.

I've been, obviously, feeling pretty down the last few weeks, and yesterday was a total off day for me. A breakup can be pretty brutal. Takes a lot out of you. And when you had that to the lack of a job, the lack of anything coming down the works that looks like a solid job, and add no direction onto that, depression and lack of confidence can take a good choke hold on you. Well, yesterday was a culmination of that nonsense. It happens, everyone deals with it. I wrote a post back in 2008 about walls. How everyone has them. I still believe that. I also wrote how I was going to have walls. And I did, then in 2009 I wrote about getting rid of those walls. I think there's a fine line, a balance, for those walls. Make them too high, nobody gets through and you are completely blocked from ever feeling what love is and how a strong connection to someone, and in the process you could push someone away. Walls too low, you leave yourself open for attack by forces that can really do some nasty harm to you both emotionally and physically. It's a balance, see? I guess if I had a draw bridge for the big walls, or a gate for the small fence, life wouldn't be too bad. You pick and choose who can get inside the walls. I think that's what I'm doing now. I might have made the decision to break-up, and although it wasn't my finest moment ever, it still hurt. Due to that hurt I felt my walls shoot up real quick. It was if there was some secret installation underground, and when the button was hit, BAM! They shot up. I've installed a draw bridge this time though. I think that's the safest way to play any kind of "Game". But also, this is a formal note, that I've pulled out of whatever "the game" is. Dating and the like are just too much work and too distracting. More friends? Sure. More people and connections? Bring it on. Romantic relationships? Forget it. Ya ya ya, blah blah blah, the right one is out there, ect ect ect. On a purely logical explanation and without getting to statistical about it, I'll just say that based off of my track record, and my absurdly wild romantic notions, it ain't happening. Plenty of people will argue with me, and sure, maybe, MAYBE I'll be proven wrong someday. But let's not hold our breath, huh? I've experienced all I want to experience with relationships for the time being, and will focus on me now. Which, I know is selfish, and also ironic since I'm trying to be less selfish. But we (me, friends and family) all agree it's about time. It's something that is long over due.

I highly recommend the next blog.... which will be about goals. It's gonna be a good one.

Oh, and how do you like the new setup? The background and layout I think are perfect. I'm very happy with my artwork, it's got a weird feeling to it and I'm curious to know what people think.

-me

Not really the happiest post...

So, I originally had something else written here, but my personal walls got in the way of sharing too much with an outside internet world. So I've decided to re-write something in a more calm fashion.

Sometimes we make choices that we weren't 100% sure at the time. I tend to live my best by no regrets. Sure I've made a TON of mistakes and been lazy A LOT, but I've learned from it and grown from it. It hurts initially, but it's over quickly and you realize it was for the best. No doubts. But lately choices I've made tend to come back and haunt me and I have to continuously remind myself why I made that choice, what my ultimate goal was, what my hope was and why... why why why I did it in the first place. Am I learning? Am I growing? On top of these questions is the constant struggle for survival, for happiness in a spiraling downward motion. It's stupid really how difficult it is for me to keep this stupid grin on the whole time. Hey there's some information that most people don't know. I've always fought against the sadness. It burns my brain sometimes, but I refuse to use any kind of drug or so called "vitamin". I push it to the side, to the back, out of the way. Keep the high energy, keep the smiles, keep the laughter. I thought I heard once that the most depressing people are comedians. The heartache the pain the torture.

I find it interesting that some of the choices we make can change your life and others' lives. I don't regret what I did. But it still pains me. Logically it would make sense that if I made the choice I wouldn't feel the pain. Of course that's not the case. Many times people make choices that still hurt, for years sometimes. I am very attached and have difficulty sometimes just letting it go. It doesn't take much for me to fall back into an old pattern and climbing back out of that hole is very very draining. I thrive on positive energy and do my best to surround myself with positive people. But in a situation where my very own personal world seems to crumble around me, all I can do is hope and pray. Seriously, what else is there to do? Of course of course, I do my best to push past it, make things right and fix problems that have risen and make the best of my situation. That's an instinctual behavior passed down through the ages. The struggle of humanity I suppose. You make due with what you have and hope for the best while still trying to make the best of what you got. With the instincts work, and all that aside, I say the best you can do is pray and hope. If you ain't got hope, you won't push forward. You only push forward because you THINK and HOPE things will get better. If I can just get here, I know things will get better. If I can just do this, I hope that will happen. But here's the thing, hope, thinking.... different than knowing. I suppose I just have to KNOW it'll get better. I hope I know someday that it will absolutely get better.

Doesn't change how I feel now unfortunately.

poop.

Me

There's been a lot of changes since the last entry. I didn't read the last entry recently, but I'm sure it's been a long time. I've been doing a lot of soul searching and directional searching for myself lately. I feel that I'm finally starting to get a better grasp on what's going on with me and how I operate. I already know that I'm a selfish guy. That I come across very selfish to some people and that I sometimes do things for just me. If I don't want to do something, I won't do it. Well, I've been working on that. Part of my inner exploration led me to the theory of why I am selfish. It's only a theory mind you and not a proven one at that. I do believe being selfish IS in our nature as we always have to look out for number 1 as a survival instinct. But in this case I'll be talking a little beside that point.

For starters I have a great family and awesome friends (some of which are the exact same). I have family that is behind me on whatever I choose to do and can be right there with me during the hard times. Same goes for friends. And where as I have friends and family in my corner rooting for me and pushing me, I have nobody in my corner kicking me in the butt. I just don't. I know what has to be done, but it's a matter of lack of motivation. If I was working, different story, I work, I work till it's done. End of story. But in an everyday setting of striving to a goal, nobody is there to kick my lazy butt. Simple things like eating, sleeping, cleaning (laundry, room, bathroom, ect) those don't count. Those are things that HAVE to be done. My problem is I haven't quite realized a few things.

A) where I'm going. A direction. A forward movement to get me from point A to point B. There's no point B though, so where am I going?

B) with no direction, there's no movement, with no movement there's no motivation. wait... no goal, no motivation, no direction, no movement. That's better.

How is this leading to me being selfish? How is this just not me explaining how lazy I am? Well, since there is nobody there to nag, push, prod and kick me where I need/have/want to go, I have to do it myself. Why do I do it? What is my motivation? Me. I have to do it for me. Nobody else will step up to seriously just kick me. Relationships, all of them (romantic or not) it appears people are too scared of being a nag in my eyes, or hurting me somehow, or hoping that I figure it out. Well, I figured it out, and I figured out that I have to do this for me. I have to get to that goal for me.

Since this blog is all honesty, let me continue with the tradition and say I'm not the best I can be. I'm not the nicest guy in the world and I haven't been greatest friend I could be to some people. I have been stubborn, selfish and mean. I'm well aware of my sharp tongue and how quick I am to use it on someone who I think is an idiot. Which really isn't a very nice thing. I mean I still feel that idiots should be told that they are idiots, but maybe in a nicer way as to make them feel that they shouldn't be an idiot anymore and to read a book with words and not picture books anymore.

So... here I am, 31 years old last January. Alone to my own devices with about 10 dollars in my checking account. A direction? To be better than I have been. To see my own worth and potential and live up to it. To really try and kick my own butt to be the person I'm supposed to be. I really can do anything, and it's about time I actually try and live up to it. I've hurt a lot of people and neglected a bunch of others. So I'm sorry for doing that. Even though it's selfish thinking, I'm hoping that somewhere along the way I can discard that and have a better reason for doing what I do.